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Today is my 3 weeks out of surgery! Loving it! I am now on pureed foods (which isn't so bad)...sometimes things upset my stomach even though they didn't at first. Its going to have to be process of elimination on what I can and cannot eat. The only other issue I am having is I am soooo thirsty I feel like I can never drink enough WHICH to me is worse than feeling hungry LOL. Other than those two things I am extremely motivated and energetic. I'm down 20+ lbs. I personally DO NOT see a change BUT everyone tells me how good I look and my clothes do fit loose compared to what they were before surgery. I'm actually down 1 shirt size and 1 pant size (however I'm still wearing clothes from before my surgery).

Hello everyone! This is my first blog and post ever! so I'll try my best. I've been overweight all my life. I became obese in my early adulthood years and even more after the birth of my second child. I'm at my top weight ever at 334 lbs. I've been considering weight loss surgery for many years, but I always end up trying to lose the weight on my own and obviously it has not worked. In December 2012, I decided it was time to get serious about getting back my health. I went for my first consultation in January 2013 and started my pre-surgery insurance requirements. I started weight in visits with my surgeon in February and since then I had my psychologist evaluation in February, endoscopy and colonoscopy in March and had to get Iron infusions with a hematologist due to iron deficiency anemia. I went for my last weight in yesterday and was very excited about having done my part with all the appointments and follow ups. I guess the excitement and happiness didn't last me long because the program coordinator informed me today that they messed up and that I needed one more weight in and that my surgeon doesn't have all the reports from the different doctors I've seen I'm a little disappointed because I thought that my surgeon and his staff would have things a little better organized and that they'd let me know if they needed more information or were missing paperwork before my last weight in. I have a lot of things going on at work and it's very hard not to be able to plan and have "life" on hold until I can have the definite date of surgery. I've read many post in this blogging community and it helps to read about people's experiences and what everyone else have gone through pre and post-surgery. I hope that writing about my own dilemmas will help me and other people having the same issues. Wish me luck! Lucy

Ahh, progress. We have a new supermarket in my neighborhood. It is beautiful, brightly lit, with almost anything you could want, from artisan bread to flat screen TVs. And as with all businesses, they are doing everything they can to make the shopping experience as awesome as possible. But they may have jumped the shark on this one: There is automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh and pretty. Just before it goes on, you hear distant thunder and smell fresh rain. When you pass the fruits, you smell fresh cut apples and peaches. When you pass the vegetables, you smell hot buttered corn on the cob. When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay. In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and sausages. When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying. The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies. I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Today I woke up kinda sad every work day at 630am my best friend Lesley calls me and we talk until I get to work. Every 2nd and 4th Thursday she calls me and asks me how was my support group. I got none of those calls last night because Lesley is deployed for 3 months. You would of thought that I would be used to this by now but she is my accountability buddy. So instead of me overeating at work, on my lunch break I went shopping any brought me some shoes as a treat to myself. I just love my new shoes. It’s graduation party weekend for me. I am trying to figure out how I am going to handle it. I was thinking about at one party just have a bottle water in my hands at all times and socialize. Then eat at the last party. Sunday I only have to go to one party and I will eat there depending on what they are having. I am only on week 4 post op so my options are slim but I doubt they will be serving seafood at a High School graduation party. I might bring my mini cooler and put it a couple of protein shakes in my car. My tooth doesn’t hurt as much as it did on Wednesday but I am just taking it slow and making sure I chew my food thoroughly. The pain is tolerable and I think I will be alright. Thanks for reading.

Hey Everyone, My name is Christina Marie and I am 20 years old. I have struggled with my weight all my life, I was a chubby little baby and well, that baby fat never seemed to go away. My doctors always told my mother that I was overweight and needed to lose weight, but unfortunately some habits couldn't be broken. My brother and I ate very unhealthy growing up, our mother was a single mother with 2 kids working a full time job as a nurse and picking up extra hours on the side. We ate meals that were quick and easy- pizza, tacos, spaghetti, cheeseburgers, mac and cheese, fast food, takeout, junk food...you name it. I loved anything and everything with sugar and carbs and was not the athletic type. I wasn't interested in sports, and didn't have very many friends. Always moved a lot and in school I was always being made fun of for being overweight. Needless to say, I spent a lot of time in front of the T.V playing video games...and then eventually the computer. I had friends and cousins my own age, we did go out and do things...ride bikes, roller blade, swim, dig holes in the backyard and play with worms...you know, normal kid stuff... But, more often than not I was indoors with my Sega, Playstation , or art supplies. When I was about 7 or 8 years old I weighed 175 lbs, and that is the smallest I remember being. As I got older, I just gained more and more weight. My weight loss journey started when I was In high school. I tried various diets, joined a gym... that didn't work. I started going to L.A weight loss center when I was about 15 years old. My weight at the time was maybe around 245lbs. I got weighed, did the detox drink, went on the crazy diet. Starved, complained, went for walks. A couple months later, I went down to my lowest weight. That was about 219 lbs. As exciting as that was, I couldn't afford to go there anymore, and I was very hungry. I stopped going and joined a gym. I ended up gaining everything back. I was told what to do and how to do it, but those workouts didn't work for me. I started seeing a nutritionist when I was about 16 almost 17 years old. She told me what to eat, how to eat, what to cut out of my diet. She told me to never drink juice and that juice was where I was getting all my calories from. I cut out juice and did lose a little bit of weight. Not much. At 18 years old she recommended that I go to a weight loss center in Boston,MA. It was easy to get too, it was one train ride away. At this point I was at my highest weight. 287 lbs! I went to all my appointments, did everything they told me to do in hopes of getting gastric bypass surgery. All the staff members were telling me they wanted me to get the surgery, but wanted to see if I could lose the weight myself. They gave me a time frame to lose weight and see where things went. 6 months. I did everything they wanted me too and 6 months later they wanted me to wait another 6 months. I was losing weight doing what they said, preparing for surgery. I walked a lot, ate less, made better food choices. I was graduating from a vocational college and was walking to and from work. Taking trains into Boston and walking to Hospitals for internships, walking to bus stops and stores (who needs a car when you live 5-10 minutes away from Boston?) And even once I graduated, I walked to and from work, to busses and trains. I got an apprenticeship at a tattoo shop, and I walked there. Sometimes I would walk for hours straight... I got down to 239 lbs. I went in for an apt after my 6 months was up, and they wanted me to wait another 6 months! That was it for me. I left and never went back. Then, the guys at the tattoo shop convinced me not to go for the surgery. They tried to play "personal trainer" and help me lose weight. Well, I maintained weight. That was at least something. I eventually left that shop to do something else in my life. At 19 years old, I moved in with a friend of mine in Rhode Island, we ended up falling in love and I got a little comfortable. I tried to maintain weight, but when your with a man who loved you for you- that can be a challenge. We worked weird hours, so more often than not we stayed home and watched movies. We ordered food- and worse! We ordered huge ice cream sundays and pigged out on junk food all the time. I wasn't gaining anything, I didn't think anything of it. Oh well, a year goes by and my weight went up and up all the way to 250. This worried me, so him and I started dieting and going to the gym 6 days a week. I was doing his work outs, drinking the same protein he drank...I went down to 240, then up 5 lbs down 2 up 10. Eventually I decided that I was going to try and get the surgery again. I went to an information seminar in Boston and then weeks later met with a surgeon in at another facility. After speaking with the dietitian, psychiatrist and surgeon...it was a no go. She didn't want to do the surgery on someone my age who didn't have any children yet. I gave up, I figured that if I was supposed to get the surgery I would have been accepted. I tried to do it on my own again, then suddenly I wasn't able to do the workouts I was doing. I was always in pain, I've been that way forever. Back pain, hip pain, joint pain, leg cramps, knees giving out, ankles giving out, swelling- you name it. I couldn't even get a back massage without it hurting. When I was a baby, the doctor told my mother I would never be able to walk. He also said I wouldn't be able to talk either. When my mother was in labor, I got stuck and I aspirated amniotic fluid. I had no oxygen when I finally came out and I had Desipramine Toxicity.I passed away 3 times. The doctors didn't think I was going to make it, they sent for a priest and when he baptized me in the hospital- my mom freaked out. She had a fit and demanded I be sent to Children's Hospital. 3 months later my mother got to take me home and they said that I wouldn't have a normal life. They said I was lucky that I wasn't in a vegetative state, and that I probably wouldn't ever walk or talk. Boy were they wrong, I was such a loud mouthed little kid haha. On my first birthday I got a pair of Stride Rite shoes and off I went. Walking on coffee tables and tip-toeing around the house. I've always had problems with my legs, waking up screaming at night because of cramps...sever's syndrome, tight heel cords, flat feet... I walked on my toes a lot and my mom had to do a lot of leg exercises... but- I could walk! and a couple years of speech therapy and I could talk just fine. ANYWAYS, that has a lot to do with why I wasn't very active. It was painful. At 20 years old I got a lot of tests done to figure out why I am always In pain these days. Why it hurts to be touched on certain parts of my back and why my knees hurt and ankles.... soo many tests. I tested positive for Lyme's Disease, took care of that. Problem was still there. Everything else got ruled out, so my Dr. thinks that I have Fibromyalgia. He suggested that I get the surgery to lose weight and see if that relieves my lower back/hip/knee/ankle pain. He told me I should go to Dr. Ameri at Winchester Hospital, and so I did. Went to 2 information seminars and here I am. I will be getting my surgery on May 20th, 2013! I was 267lbs when I first saw him, now a month and or two later and now having been on the liquid diet for almost 2 weeks I am down to 256lbs! I set my goal to be 165lbs because I don't want to set an unattainable goal and let myself down haha. I figured at 5'3'' reaching that goal shouldn't be difficult considering that would still be overweight for me. Honestly though, i'll be happy at 200! I'm excited to see where this road takes me. It's been difficult, but I'm sure it will be worth it!

"This will probably be the hardest part of the surgery. If you can get through this, you'll do just fine." That is what my surgeon told me two weeks ago when I had just started the Stage I liquid diet. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I had no idea how it would be this difficult. You can't eat any solid food at all for two weeks prior to surgery. That means with a normal, or maybe even a little bigger than normal sized stomach- you will not be able to eat a single thing for 2 weeks. Not even yogurt with little pieces of fruit in it. Sounds easy huh? NO. Definitely not. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning, which will mark my two weeks of being on liquids. It has been a challenge. I made it. I didn't slip up or anything. But, I am so hungry! I'm dying for even just a little piece of toast. Every bit of food sounds appealing and smells really good. My mother came to an apt. with me and asked the surgeon "is there anything she can eat that will make her feel full?" And with a nervous chuckle and a sympathetic smile, he shook his head "no." Now, this would be easier if I weren't lactose intolerant. I've yet to find a soy protein that has less than 3 grams of sugar, I tried the whey protein just to see if I could stomach it. I can't. So I got some carnation instant breakfast, a cousin of mine got the surgery a couple years ago and that is what she used. I am doing a lot better but it definitely isn't nearly as filling.... My surgeon was right. nothing fills me up. You just have to keep hydrated, drink what you can as much as you can without grazing and just toughen through it. Also, without eating solids...You go to the bathroom a lot...whether you want to or not, whether you are prepared to or not. You will go. I suggest that people take it easy those 2 weeks, make sure you are always near a bathroom and have liquid pepto on hand. Pepto Bismol (and store brand versions) have been my absolute best friend through this journey. They failed to tell me that part. Someone should! Haha. BE PREPARED!!! There have been so many times where I just wished I could have taken a bite out of something. A sub, sandwich, hamburger, hot dog...something. And there have been times where I craved mashed potatoes, toast, popcorn...little things I didn't think I would miss this much, haha. Things you don't really ever think about. BUT I made it!!! I met my protein goals, my water intake goals, took my chewable vitamins and my next big step is tomorrow.

I am feeling great!! Here are the stats: Highest: 298 Pre-op 277 Surgery: 261 (I did 4 weeks pre-op voluntarily) Home: 271 (Fluid I guess?) Today: 252 25 since the start of my pre-op! 46 over all from my highest! WHOOP WHOOP! I can’t believe I am a scant 3 lbs away from my 240s… which I haven’t seen since 2005!! Then when I reach 230-235, I am going to try on my wedding dress from my second wedding – I am greedily hoping that day will be June 19 – the same day I take my Motorcycle drivers test. Two victories in one day will be quite fitting I think! 17 lbs in 26 days? It’s possible… but the journey is amazing. My clothes are fitting better, I see a difference in my face and I can feel the difference in my tummy – and my incisions are ITCHY!!! (Which means they are healing nicely!) The first week of clear liquids got to me a little bit… I was missing the comfort feeling of food, although I must say I wasn’t feeling hungry in the traditional sense. I have read that quite a few people have had trouble getting their protein in, so I am glad that I tried a few products before surgery, because the one I have, Alpine Punch by Isopure, is super easy to get in and digest. It mixes just like Crystal Light, and the consistency is nice and thin. I also opted for G2 Gatorade over the last two weeks instead of water, to ensure my electrolytes stay exactly where they need to be. I have been taking a chewable multivitamin, B12 and Caltrate every day 2x, along with finishing my prescriptions. I am down to one left (my acid blocker), twice a day for 45 more days… so that will just be daily routine with vitamins for some time to come. Needless to say by the time day 8 came, I could not wait to eat some low fat cottage cheese and thicker soups!! I made two recipes that are absolutely delicious!! Celery Root soup, and Curried Sweet Potato. On their own they do not offer much in the way of protein but they have proven to be great low cal, healthy tummy trainers and have helped me experiment with how fast or slow and how much to eat. I’ll post the recipes below. I have also had a zero fat yogurt here and there, and decaf coffee with cream from Tim Hortons. That’s pretty exciting stuff, although I have noticed that the added fat in the cream tends to travel at the speed of light (sorry TMI) however, at this point I am using that as a tool! Monday starts the mushy foods “Things I could eat if I had no teeth” phase and I am pretty darn excited about that! Mmmmm…. Baked fish, Scrambled eggs, hummus! I can’t wait!! I don’t think there is much more to say at this point. Doing really well, feeling great. Oh, and last week I contacted my surgeon; Dr. Rodriguez via email because I had a question and he responded within 30 minutes. I will never be able to express how amazing he and his surgical team are. Highly recommended!! Celery Root Soup Ingredients: Small Chopped Onion 1 tbsp of butter / margarine 4 cups of chicken broth (low sodium is best) 2 tsp of thyme 1 large celery root Preparation: Peel and chop celery root into small cubes, set aside Place onion and butter over medium heat in a pot and simmer until onion is soft Pour chicken broth into pot with onions/butter and add in chopped up celery root (there should be enough broth to cover all vegetable) Add thyme Add broth and bring to boil; reduce heat, cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until celery root is tender. With immersion blender or in blender, puree soup. Curried Sweet Potato Soup Ingredients 2 sweet potatoes (2-1/4 lb) 1 tbsp vegetable oil 1 small onion, finely chopped 2 cloves garlic, minced 1 tbsp minced gingerroot, (or 1 tsp/5 mL ground ginger) 2 tsp mild curry paste (or curry powder with a touch of water to make a paste) 4 cups vegetable or chicken broth Preparation Peel and cut sweet potatoes into 1/2-inch (1 cm) cubes; set aside. In large saucepan, heat oil over medium heat; cook onion, garlic, gingerroot and curry paste, stirring occasionally, for 3 minutes or until softened. Add sweet potatoes; stir for 1 minute or until coated. Add broth and bring to boil; reduce heat, cover and simmer for 10 minutes or until potatoes are tender. With immersion blender or in blender, puree soup. CHEERS!

I've bought all the shakes, chew-able vitamins, liquid vitamins, have gone for blood work, upper g.i. testing and started my prep diet without getting any final confirmation until this morning that next Friday at 10:30 I'm scheduled for my surgery. I keep thinking this isn't real. Part of me is scared to give up all of the foods and addictive behaviors that have gotten me to this point but another part of me is thinking this is a rebirth, a chance to learn how to do it all over again and do it right. I think the best advise I've gotten so far is my nutritionalist who tells me that I'm leaving an abusive relationship, one I have always given excuses to, have always forgiven only to be mistreated by it (she's deep). All I know is I feel like a hypocrite trying to help my daughter when I can't help myself. I guess I don't have a choice, I want to be the best mom that I can be and I need to teach her what healthy is, what being strong is, and who I really am which isn't the person who always stands in the back of the pictures if I get in it at all, or the person who only wears black pants not because it's slimming but because color may draw more attention to me.

Sorry yall! Me: "u must have the wrong #", Keisha: "do u kno Josh?"..Me: "yes thats my husband" Keisha: ur husband, Josh cant be married, he is over here EVERY day and some nights as well. Me: (starts 2 cry) well since u didnt know YES, he is married and we have a son. Keisha: I knew about his son, he has brought him over here before Me: (complete anger) Well let me tell u this, u better not EVER call my phone again and if u continue 2 mess with my family I will find u and it wont be pretty. Keisha: I dont have 2 come for him, he keeps coming for me (hangs up). I started crying & I grabbed my baby, I held him for what seemed like hrs & of course Josh is not home. I got up, went into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle..I cooked, cried & ate! Probably 2 hrs later, here comes Josh thru the door....I didnt even know what 2 say 2 him. I put the baby 2 sleep, then I told him we need 2 talk. We sat dwn & I told him everything she told me & he said, she doesnt mean anything & he's not going 2 tlk 2 her anymore" & this bastard actually started crying...lol A few weeks went by, me & Josh were laying in bed tlkin...he said baby, the Lord called me 2 preach, I looked at him, he was crying & I said u cant be serious, he said that he is very serious & he was going 2 change his ways & he was so sorry 4 all of the things he's ever done 2 me blah blah blah. Time went on & Keisha called again 2 tell me that Josh needs 2 bring her cd's back 2 her...she said they got in a fight the day after she tlked 2 me & she hasnt seen or heard from him since. I have 2 say, I had a sense of relief but I was still so hurt. I dont think she actually wanted any cd's but she just wanted 2 know what was going on. Anyway, 1 night we were sitting in Bible study & Josh said, "I have 2 tell u something, I will tell u after church." I had that bubbly feeling in my stomach like wht is it now but it cant be bad after all he is a "preacher" now. After, church was over we got in the car & I said "whats up now?" He said, " I dont know how 2 tell u this but Keisha found me & she saying that she is pregnant! I just looked at him & I said " U know what, I hate u..I wish I had never met u, I shoulda listened 2 all of the things my moma had 2 say about u, then I wouldnt have 2 feel like this..Is she really pregnant? He said, "I dont think so but she say she is." I turned & looked out of the window as we drove all the way home & I could remember having a feelin of rage, thinkin that I should kill him but if I did my son would be left without either 1 of us. When we got home, he begged me 2 forgive him, he said he has not seen her in months nor has he tlked 2 her. I believed him BUT I told him, if she is pregnant then u didnt protect urself & therefore was not worried about my life at all, ur selfish! The rest of the week was completely quiet in the house, I didnt say anything 2 him & he didnt say nothing 2 me. On sunday, we went 2 church & I watched him sit in that pulpit like he had it all 2gether, I left out of the back with the baby & we just sat in the back of the church as I cried. I was wondering tho, why wont I leave him, whats wrong with me? After church, he came lookin for me, I told him the baby was crying so I brought him out 2 walk around for awhile. We got in the car, went home & his phone started ringing from a private #...so of course I was listening real close as I COOKED dinner, he said, "what, where, ok man give me a minute"...so I came out if the kitchen & he said, "Im going 2 the store real quick & I will be right back". I looked at him & rolled my eyes as he left, he was gone about 30 mins, when he walked thru the door...he said, "I seen Keisha at the store & she still says that she is pregnant & I dont think she is, she didnt have any papers 2 prove it." I looked at him & said , "u left out of here 2 meet her?" He said, "I had 2 know." At that moment, I felt like he needs me...while I look back I see exactly how stupid I was for just stayin there taking whatever he dished out because I never had a family so I wanted 2 keep mine 2gether..I was a fool & I fooled myself in2 thinkin that he loved me. Anyway, we moved 2 another apt. (we moved 13 times the entire marriage smh), while we were cleaning the apt we were movin from...Josh left his phone in the kitchen while he went 2 take the last load 2 the new apt. Of course I looked thru it but I was shocked because I didnt see ANYTHING outta place, until I READ the messages. He had alot of messages back & forth between him & a dude named "Kenneth"...so I read them. One message said, "I'm not about 2 run after u behind ur baby...if u want 2 be in this baby life u need 2 say that or leave me alone" another read, "come see me 2day & bring me some of that ice cream u brought monday" another read, "are you going 2 leave her or what." As I put the phone back dwn Josh comes RUNNING thru the door tlkin about he left his phone, this time I wasnt going 2 play the good wife & not say anything. When he came in the room I was in I started punching him everywhere...he had a fight on his hands 2day & I wasnt going 2 stop until 1 of us was going 2 the hosp. After about 1 hr of fightin he threw me on the ground & he kicked me, he said, "im am not going 2 leave my kids behind because u want me 2, if thats my baby ima be there for it, rather u like it or not." We went 2 the new place & I was in the bathroom crying by this time my baby could tlk & he said, "what's wrong mommy?" What do I tell my baby, I couldnt tell him what was really wrong all I could say was "mommy dont feel good baby", he said, "ur stomach hurt, u hungry?" I cried more & said, Yes baby lets get something 2 eat." Days went by, weeks went by & Keisha was calling the house like everything was all good, she told me that she was getting an abortion because she didnt want 2 bring a baby in2 the world like this & that she didnt want 2 mess up my family. Are u serious, u dont think u already done that? That next week I went 2 the doctor he weighed me, I was 426 lbs & he told me that I had PCOS & that I would never be able 2 have kids again & since I had 1 already 2 be glad. I went home devestated, & with my stupid self I told Josh that maybe they should keep the baby because I wouldnt never be able 2 give him that again. I was depressed, devestated & for days I cried & ate all the time. Maybe a week went by & Keisha called 2 tell us that the next day she was aborting the baby & could she come over 2 tlk 2 Josh for a few minutes. He said, Yes come on over. I wondered, how could he be so disrespectful 2 me, why would he say yes 2 her coming over? So he went outside 2 tlk 2 her & he came in 2 hrs later, I asked wht happened & he said, "she told me how u been tlking about my mom, she told me how u been calling her everyday forcing her 2 get that abortion, this is all ur fault." I couldnt believe that he was blaming me for his screw up & she was lyin on me just 2 try 2 tear us apart. He slept on the couch, me & the baby in the room..in the morning he woke up & he was throwin up & all quiet so I assumed maybe he's sick. Later that day I called Keisha, I said, "are u ok?" she said, "yea,why?" I said, "didnt u have that abortion 2day, she said," Oh yea, Im good." I knew then that something here just aint right. So, as the weeks & months rolled by I didnt hear anything else about or from Keisha until 1 day Josh came home & he said that he had seen Keisha & confronted her about the abortion papers, he said he asked for a reciept or paperwork from her even being pregnant in the 1st place because he believed it was all a lie. Come 2 find out it was! With my stupid self, I felt bad for him that she played him like that but at the same time he DESERVED it! Things started 2 look up, Minister Josh was trying 2 act better, now dont get me wrong, he was so much fun 2 be around, very smart & had lots of things 2 tlk about all the time but he was a *****! I guess being on the right path was old for him, I found out about more & more women, he even had a std from 1 of them...the baby was growing up & I was getting bigger...we moved maybe 3 more times since then, him cheating became the norm as sad as that sounds. Women were calling me, sending me messages on myspace it was awful. Well, in our new place 5 yrs later I was cooking some quesadillas (if thats how u spell it) & I went 2 lay dwn after I ate but I was feelin really sick & I was thinkin I over did it on the cheese & stuff. So in the middle of the night I had 2 go 2 the bathroom & when I got done there was ALOT of blood but it was from my stool...so of course I was scared & I went 2 the doctor the next day...she said let me run some test, it will take a few days 2 get the results but let me give u some anti inflammatories for ur stomach. Cool, got my prescription & we left. A few days went by & I got a call from the doctor who said, Mrs. White, dont take that medicine that gave u becuase u're pregnant!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!

So I have been overweight since I hit puberty. It wasn't an issue until several years ago. After, I started having children the weight just never disappeared and then after some time the weight just continued and continued to increase and now I know that I need to do something. I don't think that I'm ugly or unslightly but life isn't as enjoyable as it should be and I kow that if I lost the weight I would be a more lively person. So here I am started the journey to the rest of my life.