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Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse. While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from. During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone. Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior. If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that. I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these. Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction. For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them. So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.

Yup I cheeked it on 4 different scales okay who wants to Zumba with me now

So last Thursday, May 16th I had my long awaited surgery . It has now been a week of recovery, and shakes and learning and whining . Yes, whining, I am going to be totally blunt and honest here. On the 15th I freaked out b/c I was expected to have morning surgery on the 16th, well I found out I would have to wait till 3:30 p.m. I freaked, all plans thrown to the wind, the babysitter, hubby's work sched. My mum & dad helping out, and on top of the needless endless pain of hunger, b/c clear liquids the night before, and are you serious, make me wait another whole day w/o even jelllo or water?? I was freaking out, I felt these ppl were crazy, sadistic and cruel, hadn't I jumped through enough hoops for a whole year?? Needless to say, after some soothing talk from my hubby, (let's face it, after 39 hours of no real food, you can be a irrational crazy hideous cranky hating ppl monster ) that it will be fine, we came this far and we will get this done and never look back. So we did, the nurses were fantastic, I got wisked in, changed in to a baer warmer johnnie, quite pleasant and kept me warm, and soon enough, urine test, vitals, hooked up to my iv and meds given, paid copay etc... boom. It flew, I put on my lovely head cover and was brought into the er, I scooted my butt onto the other operation table and slid over and a nurse put a mask on my face and asked me to breathe. Whallah, that was it, out like a light. I woke up in a grog but not a fog. My nurse Debbie was fantastic, she talked to me, and checked on me, and I was surprised that I was not nauseaus at all, which made me sooo relieved. I have had 3 prev surguries, 2 c-sections, and one gallbladder and the nausea was horrible from the anesthesia. She was amazed that I was smiling, I said, I have waited for this a long time. After what was about 45 minutes I was brought into another room and saw my hubby. My tummy I did check out as soon as I got a sec alone, and it didn't feel so bad, but I was on some good drugs I guess, lol. After another hour of observations and care, I was cleared to go home. My hubby already had gotten my prescriptions filled, pain relief pills and something to help me move my bowels b/c of the pain meds block you up. Now let me say the first day I was oblivious so I just rested. I didn't feel hunger so it was a relief, though I sipped from my little med cup, at prompting from my hubby and Mum. I did sit up, but kept falling asleep, so as soon as 6 pm came I went to bed. Now let me say, I highly recommend a pillow shopping spree. Get yourself a body pillow and two or three new pillows, heck grab some funky pillowcases too, this helps with comfort and for those dang gas pains from surgery. I HATED those pains, as soon as I lay down they hit. I learned to sleep with them tucked under each side b/c side sleeping was not a option. Hubs was helpful to stack a backrest pillow (sit up pillow w/ armrests?) with two more pillows so I could sit up and watch tv w/ the kids in bed or just sit up but have my feet up. It was comfy and everytime I had to get up I just hugged my pillow and it helped with the pain. About this time I started to be aware of the state of my body. I had a huge bruise on my right arm I assume from the shots given, and on my same arm, I had long red lines from the blood pressure cuffs. I still had not seen my staples as of yet, but I assumed from my prev surgury from gallbladder they would probably be the same. I started to feel the tenderness of the top of my mouth and throat, and some pain inside my lower right lip, probably from being intebated? I was amazed that I didn't feel this till now. By Saturday I started to feel hunger, my gas pains were fading, and when I ate, I filled up quickly and I was getting the hang of my shakes and sugar free pops and Fruit2o water. Though I do not like the taste of the chewable vitamins (yuck!) or calcium citrate, I break it up, one with each breakfast, lunch, dinner so I don't forget. I look forward to my fat free greek plain yogurt, I mix some sugar free hawaiin punch drink mix in it (grape) and it is yummy. As for the cottage cheese, I tried, I can't do it , I didn't like it before or now. I like the protien shake mix, and I like boost and atkins and pure protein shakes. At lunch my favorite thing is mixing a strawberry atkins shake w/ crushed ice and a red sugar free popsicle, I do add some whey to it too. It smells and tastes amazing. The soups help me feel normal like I am eating something, as for jello, I do have it but I am on burnout mode for that. Though I did try to ambrosia it w/ some of my greek yogurt mix, and it wasn't bad, but not great either!! Now my incisions are healing well, but Sunday was my wall. I was having incredible pain, it burned and felt like a tearing pain . I called first thing monday, and they checked me out and said this was normal to take my pain meds and relax. The belly button area is tender but below my biggest incision is the burning pain, it is awful, I take one pill, b/c two makes me totally sleep and out. I am moving about easier and walking is a cinch, stairs easy too. But having 2 kids, it is hard. I tell myself to knock it off, and my hubby is wonderful about helping but I feel bad when my 3 yr old wants to sit on my lap and I can't. But it won't be for long and I know it. I will tell you, I feel like a old fuddy duddy and why??? B/c I get happy when I have a bm, yes a bm . I had my first little poo on Sunday and I was so happy, and later that night I passed gas and let me tell you, the feeling was relief, it felt amazzzing . Passing gas is wonderful, b/c your body feels so much better afterwards . I say this b/c it is what it is. Now the hiccups I get are weird, but I can't explain why but they just are, I noticed these Tuesday, I'd rather not hiccup. So this is it so far. Now I have to get some Mederma to be ready to slap this stuff on when I get these itchy staples off, the scar is going to be much bigger than I thought, I am quite shocked and wish I had been shown some pictures of the scars before the surgery b/c it did make me sad, it is little to complain about but I just didn't know how big me scar would be on my left side, I mean wowsa.

Today is my 3 weeks out of surgery! Loving it! I am now on pureed foods (which isn't so bad)...sometimes things upset my stomach even though they didn't at first. Its going to have to be process of elimination on what I can and cannot eat. The only other issue I am having is I am soooo thirsty I feel like I can never drink enough WHICH to me is worse than feeling hungry LOL. Other than those two things I am extremely motivated and energetic. I'm down 20+ lbs. I personally DO NOT see a change BUT everyone tells me how good I look and my clothes do fit loose compared to what they were before surgery. I'm actually down 1 shirt size and 1 pant size (however I'm still wearing clothes from before my surgery).

I really need help. i have gone back to the dietician, spoke with the doctor, and even went to my regular doctor for some assistance. The weight still has not budged. They said add more protein so i did that. More aerobics ...still no change..kept a food diary..nothing. I have now went into a slump, I am eating as the dietician has required and i am now getting deressed because i am not moving forward. 3 months is a lonnnnnngggg PLATEAU. Does anyone have any suggsetions. i have had 8 fills in 9 months . Every month since the surgery. I have Prayed and cried ..and feel helpless.

Sorry yall! Me: "u must have the wrong #", Keisha: "do u kno Josh?"..Me: "yes thats my husband" Keisha: ur husband, Josh cant be married, he is over here EVERY day and some nights as well. Me: (starts 2 cry) well since u didnt know YES, he is married and we have a son. Keisha: I knew about his son, he has brought him over here before Me: (complete anger) Well let me tell u this, u better not EVER call my phone again and if u continue 2 mess with my family I will find u and it wont be pretty. Keisha: I dont have 2 come for him, he keeps coming for me (hangs up). I started crying & I grabbed my baby, I held him for what seemed like hrs & of course Josh is not home. I got up, went into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle..I cooked, cried & ate! Probably 2 hrs later, here comes Josh thru the door....I didnt even know what 2 say 2 him. I put the baby 2 sleep, then I told him we need 2 talk. We sat dwn & I told him everything she told me & he said, she doesnt mean anything & he's not going 2 tlk 2 her anymore" & this bastard actually started crying...lol A few weeks went by, me & Josh were laying in bed tlkin...he said baby, the Lord called me 2 preach, I looked at him, he was crying & I said u cant be serious, he said that he is very serious & he was going 2 change his ways & he was so sorry 4 all of the things he's ever done 2 me blah blah blah. Time went on & Keisha called again 2 tell me that Josh needs 2 bring her cd's back 2 her...she said they got in a fight the day after she tlked 2 me & she hasnt seen or heard from him since. I have 2 say, I had a sense of relief but I was still so hurt. I dont think she actually wanted any cd's but she just wanted 2 know what was going on. Anyway, 1 night we were sitting in Bible study & Josh said, "I have 2 tell u something, I will tell u after church." I had that bubbly feeling in my stomach like wht is it now but it cant be bad after all he is a "preacher" now. After, church was over we got in the car & I said "whats up now?" He said, " I dont know how 2 tell u this but Keisha found me & she saying that she is pregnant! I just looked at him & I said " U know what, I hate u..I wish I had never met u, I shoulda listened 2 all of the things my moma had 2 say about u, then I wouldnt have 2 feel like this..Is she really pregnant? He said, "I dont think so but she say she is." I turned & looked out of the window as we drove all the way home & I could remember having a feelin of rage, thinkin that I should kill him but if I did my son would be left without either 1 of us. When we got home, he begged me 2 forgive him, he said he has not seen her in months nor has he tlked 2 her. I believed him BUT I told him, if she is pregnant then u didnt protect urself & therefore was not worried about my life at all, ur selfish! The rest of the week was completely quiet in the house, I didnt say anything 2 him & he didnt say nothing 2 me. On sunday, we went 2 church & I watched him sit in that pulpit like he had it all 2gether, I left out of the back with the baby & we just sat in the back of the church as I cried. I was wondering tho, why wont I leave him, whats wrong with me? After church, he came lookin for me, I told him the baby was crying so I brought him out 2 walk around for awhile. We got in the car, went home & his phone started ringing from a private #...so of course I was listening real close as I COOKED dinner, he said, "what, where, ok man give me a minute"...so I came out if the kitchen & he said, "Im going 2 the store real quick & I will be right back". I looked at him & rolled my eyes as he left, he was gone about 30 mins, when he walked thru the door...he said, "I seen Keisha at the store & she still says that she is pregnant & I dont think she is, she didnt have any papers 2 prove it." I looked at him & said , "u left out of here 2 meet her?" He said, "I had 2 know." At that moment, I felt like he needs me...while I look back I see exactly how stupid I was for just stayin there taking whatever he dished out because I never had a family so I wanted 2 keep mine 2gether..I was a fool & I fooled myself in2 thinkin that he loved me. Anyway, we moved 2 another apt. (we moved 13 times the entire marriage smh), while we were cleaning the apt we were movin from...Josh left his phone in the kitchen while he went 2 take the last load 2 the new apt. Of course I looked thru it but I was shocked because I didnt see ANYTHING outta place, until I READ the messages. He had alot of messages back & forth between him & a dude named "Kenneth"...so I read them. One message said, "I'm not about 2 run after u behind ur baby...if u want 2 be in this baby life u need 2 say that or leave me alone" another read, "come see me 2day & bring me some of that ice cream u brought monday" another read, "are you going 2 leave her or what." As I put the phone back dwn Josh comes RUNNING thru the door tlkin about he left his phone, this time I wasnt going 2 play the good wife & not say anything. When he came in the room I was in I started punching him everywhere...he had a fight on his hands 2day & I wasnt going 2 stop until 1 of us was going 2 the hosp. After about 1 hr of fightin he threw me on the ground & he kicked me, he said, "im am not going 2 leave my kids behind because u want me 2, if thats my baby ima be there for it, rather u like it or not." We went 2 the new place & I was in the bathroom crying by this time my baby could tlk & he said, "what's wrong mommy?" What do I tell my baby, I couldnt tell him what was really wrong all I could say was "mommy dont feel good baby", he said, "ur stomach hurt, u hungry?" I cried more & said, Yes baby lets get something 2 eat." Days went by, weeks went by & Keisha was calling the house like everything was all good, she told me that she was getting an abortion because she didnt want 2 bring a baby in2 the world like this & that she didnt want 2 mess up my family. Are u serious, u dont think u already done that? That next week I went 2 the doctor he weighed me, I was 426 lbs & he told me that I had PCOS & that I would never be able 2 have kids again & since I had 1 already 2 be glad. I went home devestated, & with my stupid self I told Josh that maybe they should keep the baby because I wouldnt never be able 2 give him that again. I was depressed, devestated & for days I cried & ate all the time. Maybe a week went by & Keisha called 2 tell us that the next day she was aborting the baby & could she come over 2 tlk 2 Josh for a few minutes. He said, Yes come on over. I wondered, how could he be so disrespectful 2 me, why would he say yes 2 her coming over? So he went outside 2 tlk 2 her & he came in 2 hrs later, I asked wht happened & he said, "she told me how u been tlking about my mom, she told me how u been calling her everyday forcing her 2 get that abortion, this is all ur fault." I couldnt believe that he was blaming me for his screw up & she was lyin on me just 2 try 2 tear us apart. He slept on the couch, me & the baby in the room..in the morning he woke up & he was throwin up & all quiet so I assumed maybe he's sick. Later that day I called Keisha, I said, "are u ok?" she said, "yea,why?" I said, "didnt u have that abortion 2day, she said," Oh yea, Im good." I knew then that something here just aint right. So, as the weeks & months rolled by I didnt hear anything else about or from Keisha until 1 day Josh came home & he said that he had seen Keisha & confronted her about the abortion papers, he said he asked for a reciept or paperwork from her even being pregnant in the 1st place because he believed it was all a lie. Come 2 find out it was! With my stupid self, I felt bad for him that she played him like that but at the same time he DESERVED it! Things started 2 look up, Minister Josh was trying 2 act better, now dont get me wrong, he was so much fun 2 be around, very smart & had lots of things 2 tlk about all the time but he was a *****! I guess being on the right path was old for him, I found out about more & more women, he even had a std from 1 of them...the baby was growing up & I was getting bigger...we moved maybe 3 more times since then, him cheating became the norm as sad as that sounds. Women were calling me, sending me messages on myspace it was awful. Well, in our new place 5 yrs later I was cooking some quesadillas (if thats how u spell it) & I went 2 lay dwn after I ate but I was feelin really sick & I was thinkin I over did it on the cheese & stuff. So in the middle of the night I had 2 go 2 the bathroom & when I got done there was ALOT of blood but it was from my stool...so of course I was scared & I went 2 the doctor the next day...she said let me run some test, it will take a few days 2 get the results but let me give u some anti inflammatories for ur stomach. Cool, got my prescription & we left. A few days went by & I got a call from the doctor who said, Mrs. White, dont take that medicine that gave u becuase u're pregnant!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm 9 weeks post-op and have lost 28lbs. My clothes are looking sloppy and I'm feeling great about it. I have absolutely no regrets about this decision. I did start to fell like I could handle a few tortilla chips and a slice of bread here and there, not a smart decision. I researched the process of Ketosis that is happening to my body and decided if I wanted to take advantage of this small window of about 9 months to 1 year when the weight loss is most likely to happen, I had better get serious and stop eating simple carbohydrates. I have done that now and feel really good about it. I guess I was trying to test my sleeve or something. I will be diligent about what goes in my mouth knowing that "Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels". Yea Me! Getting enough water has been the hardest part of this journey and I am so trying to get better with that. Like so many people have said, "I wish I had done this sooner", better late than never. When I have lost 50 lbs, I will share pictures. Thanks for reading.

Does anyone on this Blog come from the Andover,Ma.area? I need to find a support group fast. I am only 4 months in and already using food as an emotional crutch to some hard times. The scary thing is that It actually hurts to eat certain foods and yet I am anyway. If this is not a sign that I need help,I do not know what is. So if anyone knows of any place I can go to talk to other People who are going through what I am..I would really appreciate it. The place I got the Surgery only meets once a Month and not at a convenient time for me.

Hello Fellow Banders, I commented on my flipped port a year ago. The good news is that I got serious on my diet and exercise and lost 25#, Even better news, a new doctor moved to my town. I had put off getting my port fixed because I didn't want to go to mexico again and I couldn't find a local doctor to fix it and then do the fills. I love my new doctor :-). He replaced my port today and removed the scar tissue from my ugly looking original surgery scars. I guess nothing worth doing is easy though. ,,,, Things didn't go as planned. 1.The taxi couldn't find my house, so he was 20 minutes late. But he showed me a cool short cut and still got me there only 5 minutes late. 2.The doctor got delayed with something else and so my surgery started an hour later than planned. But the time gave me time to pray and I sang to myself Amazing Love a bunch. I felt very close to God by the time I went into surgery. 3. We were just doing a local and flipping the port. So it was kinda cool to be awake and be aware of the surgery. 4. Just when I thought he was about done, he showed me the port and said it needed replacing. So they had to put me under. But the next thing I know, I'm waking up in recovery feeling good and my wonderful Son-in-Law is there to take care of me. So each setback seemed to be offset with a gift, God is always showing me his love. Good Journey All, MaggieGT Amazing Love :-) I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken I'm accepted, you were condemned I'm alive and well Your spirit is within me Because you died and rose again Chorus: Amazing Love How can it be That you my King Would die for me Amazing Love I know it's true It's my joy to honor You In all I do I honor you Coda: You are my King Jesus, You are my King You are my King Jesus, You are my King **************************************************************************

So I have been overweight since I hit puberty. It wasn't an issue until several years ago. After, I started having children the weight just never disappeared and then after some time the weight just continued and continued to increase and now I know that I need to do something. I don't think that I'm ugly or unslightly but life isn't as enjoyable as it should be and I kow that if I lost the weight I would be a more lively person. So here I am started the journey to the rest of my life.