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Even though I work in computers now with the school system, my college degree was actually Counseling with a concentration in Substance Abuse. While working at a drug treatment center I worked with patients on developing coping skills to help them deal with cravings to use. We would tell them, they must avoid people, places and things that are triggers; some to the point of having to live some where other than where they came from. During that time I was in denial that I myself was an addict, but my drug of choice was food. Unfortunatly, I can't avoid food. I must eat, but as I continue on the self reflective journey I have been on of late, I realize that I have food triggers. Cookies- I love them, they are buttery and chewy and oh so good. If I make cookies and eat one, I can't stop- I must eat more. Ice Cream is another problem, I love ice cream, any shape or form- cones, cups, shakes- yum. So I know, no ice cream should be kept in the house because I won't stop until it is all gone. Now you may say, where is you will power, where is your want power? I do want to lose weight, but there are times where it is like an out of body experience, I realize what I am doing is wrong and I will regret it, but I can't stop- this is classic addict behavior. If you are able to use your want power to prevent you from ever slipping up- awesome for you- but addicts many times can not rely strictly on that. I am actully going back and reading some of my old college textbooks to help myself with this addiction. While I have lost a little more than half of what I want to lose, in order for me to lose more and here is the key- keep it off- I must figure out my triggers and develop coping skills for dealing with these. Is this journey easy- heck no! Will it be worth it- heck yes. But, I feel I will be much more successful long term now that I am looking at this for what it is! Just like drug, tobacco, alcohol addiction is a life long battle- so is food addiction. For those of you who what I am saying rings true, take a look at yourself- what are your triggers- what can you do to cope with them. So with that- Hello, my name is Kim and I am a foodaholic.

Kime, couldn't agree more, I am the child of two adult alcoholics, I am 20 times more likely than the average person walking down the street to be addicted to something, but alcohol and recreational drugs have never been a problem, food has always been my drug of choice. I firmly believe that the pleasure centers of my brain light up like a pinball machine when I eat, just like a junkie shooting heroin into his arm. But I also believe that want/will power don't stop at just what I put in my mouth, they encompass using every tool at my disposal to try and beat this addiction, even pulling out old college text books, attending support groups and following the rules the Dr. gave me. Don't give up, don't give in, keep fighting!

Yup I cheeked it on 4 different scales okay who wants to Zumba with me now

Nice blog. I have always said that addiction, meaning drugs etc. you can live without and food you can't. There is always help for these and not enough for food addiction and we can't live without food. People look at addicts like, I feel sorry for them, I hope they get help. Then they look at the food addict like, that fat person, pig etc. Sad but true. I use to eat a pint of ice cream almost every night. I don't buy any. I love very dark chocolate and still have it but small pieces. I had birthday cake when my MIL turned 90 and it was too sweet, I was thrilled! Enjoy your day and long weekend.

In the mean time don't forget you can chat with people here. Have you tried the chat room or maybe you can PM someone on here going though what you are going through? Sorry I can't answer your question about a support group in your area, maybe someone else will know. Sorry your having a hard time. I'm sure you will find what you need. Good luck. ~~~Stephanie

That's so awsome! I think I'll pass on the Zumba thanks very much.

Sorry yall! Me: "u must have the wrong #", Keisha: "do u kno Josh?"..Me: "yes thats my husband" Keisha: ur husband, Josh cant be married, he is over here EVERY day and some nights as well. Me: (starts 2 cry) well since u didnt know YES, he is married and we have a son. Keisha: I knew about his son, he has brought him over here before Me: (complete anger) Well let me tell u this, u better not EVER call my phone again and if u continue 2 mess with my family I will find u and it wont be pretty. Keisha: I dont have 2 come for him, he keeps coming for me (hangs up). I started crying & I grabbed my baby, I held him for what seemed like hrs & of course Josh is not home. I got up, went into the kitchen to make the baby a bottle..I cooked, cried & ate! Probably 2 hrs later, here comes Josh thru the door....I didnt even know what 2 say 2 him. I put the baby 2 sleep, then I told him we need 2 talk. We sat dwn & I told him everything she told me & he said, she doesnt mean anything & he's not going 2 tlk 2 her anymore" & this bastard actually started crying...lol A few weeks went by, me & Josh were laying in bed tlkin...he said baby, the Lord called me 2 preach, I looked at him, he was crying & I said u cant be serious, he said that he is very serious & he was going 2 change his ways & he was so sorry 4 all of the things he's ever done 2 me blah blah blah. Time went on & Keisha called again 2 tell me that Josh needs 2 bring her cd's back 2 her...she said they got in a fight the day after she tlked 2 me & she hasnt seen or heard from him since. I have 2 say, I had a sense of relief but I was still so hurt. I dont think she actually wanted any cd's but she just wanted 2 know what was going on. Anyway, 1 night we were sitting in Bible study & Josh said, "I have 2 tell u something, I will tell u after church." I had that bubbly feeling in my stomach like wht is it now but it cant be bad after all he is a "preacher" now. After, church was over we got in the car & I said "whats up now?" He said, " I dont know how 2 tell u this but Keisha found me & she saying that she is pregnant! I just looked at him & I said " U know what, I hate u..I wish I had never met u, I shoulda listened 2 all of the things my moma had 2 say about u, then I wouldnt have 2 feel like this..Is she really pregnant? He said, "I dont think so but she say she is." I turned & looked out of the window as we drove all the way home & I could remember having a feelin of rage, thinkin that I should kill him but if I did my son would be left without either 1 of us. When we got home, he begged me 2 forgive him, he said he has not seen her in months nor has he tlked 2 her. I believed him BUT I told him, if she is pregnant then u didnt protect urself & therefore was not worried about my life at all, ur selfish! The rest of the week was completely quiet in the house, I didnt say anything 2 him & he didnt say nothing 2 me. On sunday, we went 2 church & I watched him sit in that pulpit like he had it all 2gether, I left out of the back with the baby & we just sat in the back of the church as I cried. I was wondering tho, why wont I leave him, whats wrong with me? After church, he came lookin for me, I told him the baby was crying so I brought him out 2 walk around for awhile. We got in the car, went home & his phone started ringing from a private #...so of course I was listening real close as I COOKED dinner, he said, "what, where, ok man give me a minute"...so I came out if the kitchen & he said, "Im going 2 the store real quick & I will be right back". I looked at him & rolled my eyes as he left, he was gone about 30 mins, when he walked thru the door...he said, "I seen Keisha at the store & she still says that she is pregnant & I dont think she is, she didnt have any papers 2 prove it." I looked at him & said , "u left out of here 2 meet her?" He said, "I had 2 know." At that moment, I felt like he needs me...while I look back I see exactly how stupid I was for just stayin there taking whatever he dished out because I never had a family so I wanted 2 keep mine 2gether..I was a fool & I fooled myself in2 thinkin that he loved me. Anyway, we moved 2 another apt. (we moved 13 times the entire marriage smh), while we were cleaning the apt we were movin from...Josh left his phone in the kitchen while he went 2 take the last load 2 the new apt. Of course I looked thru it but I was shocked because I didnt see ANYTHING outta place, until I READ the messages. He had alot of messages back & forth between him & a dude named "Kenneth"...so I read them. One message said, "I'm not about 2 run after u behind ur baby...if u want 2 be in this baby life u need 2 say that or leave me alone" another read, "come see me 2day & bring me some of that ice cream u brought monday" another read, "are you going 2 leave her or what." As I put the phone back dwn Josh comes RUNNING thru the door tlkin about he left his phone, this time I wasnt going 2 play the good wife & not say anything. When he came in the room I was in I started punching him everywhere...he had a fight on his hands 2day & I wasnt going 2 stop until 1 of us was going 2 the hosp. After about 1 hr of fightin he threw me on the ground & he kicked me, he said, "im am not going 2 leave my kids behind because u want me 2, if thats my baby ima be there for it, rather u like it or not." We went 2 the new place & I was in the bathroom crying by this time my baby could tlk & he said, "what's wrong mommy?" What do I tell my baby, I couldnt tell him what was really wrong all I could say was "mommy dont feel good baby", he said, "ur stomach hurt, u hungry?" I cried more & said, Yes baby lets get something 2 eat." Days went by, weeks went by & Keisha was calling the house like everything was all good, she told me that she was getting an abortion because she didnt want 2 bring a baby in2 the world like this & that she didnt want 2 mess up my family. Are u serious, u dont think u already done that? That next week I went 2 the doctor he weighed me, I was 426 lbs & he told me that I had PCOS & that I would never be able 2 have kids again & since I had 1 already 2 be glad. I went home devestated, & with my stupid self I told Josh that maybe they should keep the baby because I wouldnt never be able 2 give him that again. I was depressed, devestated & for days I cried & ate all the time. Maybe a week went by & Keisha called 2 tell us that the next day she was aborting the baby & could she come over 2 tlk 2 Josh for a few minutes. He said, Yes come on over. I wondered, how could he be so disrespectful 2 me, why would he say yes 2 her coming over? So he went outside 2 tlk 2 her & he came in 2 hrs later, I asked wht happened & he said, "she told me how u been tlking about my mom, she told me how u been calling her everyday forcing her 2 get that abortion, this is all ur fault." I couldnt believe that he was blaming me for his screw up & she was lyin on me just 2 try 2 tear us apart. He slept on the couch, me & the baby in the room..in the morning he woke up & he was throwin up & all quiet so I assumed maybe he's sick. Later that day I called Keisha, I said, "are u ok?" she said, "yea,why?" I said, "didnt u have that abortion 2day, she said," Oh yea, Im good." I knew then that something here just aint right. So, as the weeks & months rolled by I didnt hear anything else about or from Keisha until 1 day Josh came home & he said that he had seen Keisha & confronted her about the abortion papers, he said he asked for a reciept or paperwork from her even being pregnant in the 1st place because he believed it was all a lie. Come 2 find out it was! With my stupid self, I felt bad for him that she played him like that but at the same time he DESERVED it! Things started 2 look up, Minister Josh was trying 2 act better, now dont get me wrong, he was so much fun 2 be around, very smart & had lots of things 2 tlk about all the time but he was a *****! I guess being on the right path was old for him, I found out about more & more women, he even had a std from 1 of them...the baby was growing up & I was getting bigger...we moved maybe 3 more times since then, him cheating became the norm as sad as that sounds. Women were calling me, sending me messages on myspace it was awful. Well, in our new place 5 yrs later I was cooking some quesadillas (if thats how u spell it) & I went 2 lay dwn after I ate but I was feelin really sick & I was thinkin I over did it on the cheese & stuff. So in the middle of the night I had 2 go 2 the bathroom & when I got done there was ALOT of blood but it was from my stool...so of course I was scared & I went 2 the doctor the next day...she said let me run some test, it will take a few days 2 get the results but let me give u some anti inflammatories for ur stomach. Cool, got my prescription & we left. A few days went by & I got a call from the doctor who said, Mrs. White, dont take that medicine that gave u becuase u're pregnant!" TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!!!!!!!

I am still on my learning journey and getting back on track after gaining 3 lbs. This may not sound like much to you, but I know that 3 ends up as 6, which will end up as 12 if I don't nip it in the bud now. When I left work yesterday I headed for my weekly grocery trip. I had my list and my meal plan. Got very little processed stuff, mostly meat and veggies, and the fur kid food. Came home, unload and unpacked and put everything up. I started our dinner - we had chicken alfredo (totally homemade using spagetti squash and my from scratch low fat/cal sauce with lots of veggies). I went and weeded my garden while waiting for the hubs to get home (I got baby squash and cucumbers). Once he got home, we ate (left overs galore- we both ate and we both have lunch for today and I have enough for tomorrow to). I did dishes and then headed out to cut the grass. We have a .25 acre yard and I push mow it. After finishing that I put down my fire ant treatment being that I was attacked. Then in the house to set up the next days "stuff", shower and spends some time with the hubs. So as you see my afternoon was full, this is a normal day in my life- I am pretty much moving and doing something all day except when I have to sit at my desk at work. After the busy day, I settled down with the hubs to watch a little TV. I was already 9. After a few min of laying there in the chaise lounge I started thinking oh, I need a snack. I deserve it, after all I push mowed the lawn. Then the little voice came from deep inside that ask, are you really hungry? The answer was honestly NO- head hunger was creeping in. I squashed that real quick- got a bottle of water and sucked it down hung out with the hubs and my fur babies for a while longer before hitting the sheets. The point to all of this is, it doesn't matter how long post op you are, how long you have done things right, or how committed you are- things will always pop up to make us want to eat. We have a problem- we want more food than we need. The only way for me to lose weight and keep it off is to recongnize these problem times and areas, face them and squash them. Normally, I would go in for a fill, I haven't had one since Feb. However, I know I still get stuck a lot so I am not sure a fill is the best route for me right now. I will go in next month for my 1 year follow up and let them check it then, if the doc says it's time for another fill, then we will do it, because he is the expert. While a fill might help me deal with these things, at some point I must face the demons of my eating problems and lean to cope. I encourage everyone no matter where you are along this journey to keep your eyes open and be on the watch for these little demons to creep in. They will, for some more than others, but if we keep our eyes open and are mindful of them we will beat them and come out on top. When I was working in a drug treatment center, I often times talked to my patients about developing coping skills. Things to do when they were craving their drug of choice, well I must do the same thing when I am craving or wanting food when I don't need it. Maybe I am slow on the take off, maybe I wasn't 100% ready when I had surgery. But, I am waking up from a fog and realizing I have a problem with food and I must deal with it now before it gets me. I have a tool to help me with this, it is up to me to use it and to develop other tools to deal with my addiction.