Leaderboard

I've finally completed all of my insurance req's and am now awaiting approval. Since I've completed my requirements I guess this entire process has become really 'real' to me and it scared me. I kept asking myself if I really NEEDED this surgery...why couldn't I lose wieght on my own? Am I being lazy and taking the easy way out? Is it worth putting myself under the knife and having major surgery when I'm already too lazy to eat right and exercise? Am I wasting my family's money by having surgery? etc, etc, etc. Well tonight my sweet 5 year old ittle girl innocently made a statement that first broke my heart and then made me realize without a doubt this surgery is the right thing for me. We were driving home and she asked what would happen if I started to drown (We have a pool and swim a lot. I used to teach swim lessons and water safety, so water safety is REALLY important to me). I said, "Well, if I was truly drowning and couldn't get out, hopefully someone would help me out of the water." She replied (Here's where my heart broke...) "But Mommy, you're so big. How would they be able to pull you out? You're too heavy." And THEN she tried to backtrack...that broke my heart even more. She shouldn't have to worry about what she says to me and if it hurts my feelings. She shouldn't have to try to change what she said to make me feel better - - she's FIVE! AND THAT DID IT FOLKS. I almost broke down in tears right there in my car. I can hide from cameras, I can hide from the mirror. I can ignore the fact that my clothes are too tight I can hardly zip my pants. I can look past my double chin. I can choose to not look at my stretch marks. I can ignore being breathless just from walking from my car to my house. I can not pay attention to the fact that I now have to undo my top button to my jeans when sitting at my desk because it is digging in to my stomach. I can pop another blood pressure pill and ignore my high blood pressure... But I cannot ignore the fact that my kids notice I'm overweight and that kills me. I guess up until then I knew I was wayyyyy too heavy but since no one else would address it I could go on my merry-way and ignore it. But there's no ignoring it anymore. I have to do something more powerful than myself so that I can stop living a hollow life and stop living in the shadows, hoping no one addresses the fact that I am unhealthy. The heck with the fact that I am so unattractive anymore, I am unhealthy and am not the role model that my kids deserve. So I'm having this surgery. I don't care how it happens, I need this surgery. I need to lose weight. I need to get healthy. I need to start caring about myself. I need to start caring about my family and their future - - with ME in it.

I'm going to lay out some thoughts I've been having. My intent is not to minimize the experience of anyone else, but simply to offer my own thoughts and beliefs. I know this journey is different for all of us, but I am always saddened when I see a post about how a pre-op person can't wait to "be skinny" or "look hot" or "feel good about myself again". Skinny does not equal happy. Skinny does not equal hot. Skinny does not equal feeling good about ourselves. There are just as many skinny people who are unhappy, unattractive, and down on themselves as fat people. Happiness, feeling attractive, and feeling good about oneself are characteristics generated from within, not without. A few years ago, at a very low point in my life, happiness seemed to me like a foreign concept. I could not remember the last time I had felt genuinely joyous or happy about anything. Intellectually, I knew that there were many things in my life that were desirable. I had a good job, a comfortable house, a dependable car, some money in the bank, food in the fridge, etc. But despite these things, I was unhappy. Now, I had good reasons to be unhappy, or so I thought. My marriage was failing, I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never be a mother, I wanted desperately to change my life but felt completely stuck, and so on. I remember reading somewhere that happy is a verb...it's an action, not a passive condition. I began to wonder...if I truly felt that there was no spark of happiness or joy in my life, who's fault was that? Who was responsible for my happiness? The answer, of course, is me. I was failing myself. I was not loving myself, or being kind to myself. I decided that if happy was an action, I was going to try and exercise my happy muscle. I was going to try and find one thing to feel happy about for a few minutes every day. My goal was 3-5 minutes a day of active happiness. I thought that would be super easy. After all, I had been able to identify good things in my life, so how hard could it be to think about them for a couple of minutes every day? Well, it was actually harder than I expected, but I stuck with it. I had to set a timer in the beginning, but I made myself do it every single day. Gradually, I noticed it got easier. Some days all I could come up with was something like the weather, or the fact that my bills were paid on time, but damn it...if that was all I had, then I was damn well going to focus on it & feel happy for 3 freakin' minutes. I eventually began to notice that I felt happier overall. I'm not sure why, because by this time I was just divorced and trying to figure out dating at 270 lbs & maintaining my new house, etc, but regardless, I felt happier. After meeting the man who has become my 2nd husband, he said that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I always seemed happy. I'm not saying that this is somehow a magic bullet against bad stuff happening, but holding happiness in my mind for a few minutes every day helps me to deal with the inevitable downs of life. It seems to me that consciously taking time to feel happy each day has somehow made a state of happiness more accessible in my brain. It's been almost 7 years since I began my happiness quest, and I can honestly say I feel happier today than I ever have in my life. To quote Charlotte in the Sex and The City movie, "I feel happy every day. Not all day every day, but every day I feel happy." In choosing to have the sleeve, I absolutely do not expect it to make me happy, because I'm already happy. I feel pretty good about myself today, this minute, at 300+ lbs. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Yes, I have pain every day & difficulty walking, but I still feel good about who I am and what I have to offer in my small corner of the world. I am aware that I am probably judged negatively by some people because of my weight, but I don't even really notice that. Today, I find it so much easier to find things in my life that make me genuinely happy. I am definitely looking forward to weighing less and seeing an improvement in my mobility, but I don't think it will make me somehow better or more acceptable or a more worthy person. I am enough, right now, just as I am. We all are, and we are all so very precious. Today, right now, at this very moment, we are beautiful, and we are valuable, and we are enough. I believe that with all my heart, and I hope you do, too.

I am still on my learning journey and getting back on track after gaining 3 lbs. This may not sound like much to you, but I know that 3 ends up as 6, which will end up as 12 if I don't nip it in the bud now. When I left work yesterday I headed for my weekly grocery trip. I had my list and my meal plan. Got very little processed stuff, mostly meat and veggies, and the fur kid food. Came home, unload and unpacked and put everything up. I started our dinner - we had chicken alfredo (totally homemade using spagetti squash and my from scratch low fat/cal sauce with lots of veggies). I went and weeded my garden while waiting for the hubs to get home (I got baby squash and cucumbers). Once he got home, we ate (left overs galore- we both ate and we both have lunch for today and I have enough for tomorrow to). I did dishes and then headed out to cut the grass. We have a .25 acre yard and I push mow it. After finishing that I put down my fire ant treatment being that I was attacked. Then in the house to set up the next days "stuff", shower and spends some time with the hubs. So as you see my afternoon was full, this is a normal day in my life- I am pretty much moving and doing something all day except when I have to sit at my desk at work. After the busy day, I settled down with the hubs to watch a little TV. I was already 9. After a few min of laying there in the chaise lounge I started thinking oh, I need a snack. I deserve it, after all I push mowed the lawn. Then the little voice came from deep inside that ask, are you really hungry? The answer was honestly NO- head hunger was creeping in. I squashed that real quick- got a bottle of water and sucked it down hung out with the hubs and my fur babies for a while longer before hitting the sheets. The point to all of this is, it doesn't matter how long post op you are, how long you have done things right, or how committed you are- things will always pop up to make us want to eat. We have a problem- we want more food than we need. The only way for me to lose weight and keep it off is to recongnize these problem times and areas, face them and squash them. Normally, I would go in for a fill, I haven't had one since Feb. However, I know I still get stuck a lot so I am not sure a fill is the best route for me right now. I will go in next month for my 1 year follow up and let them check it then, if the doc says it's time for another fill, then we will do it, because he is the expert. While a fill might help me deal with these things, at some point I must face the demons of my eating problems and lean to cope. I encourage everyone no matter where you are along this journey to keep your eyes open and be on the watch for these little demons to creep in. They will, for some more than others, but if we keep our eyes open and are mindful of them we will beat them and come out on top. When I was working in a drug treatment center, I often times talked to my patients about developing coping skills. Things to do when they were craving their drug of choice, well I must do the same thing when I am craving or wanting food when I don't need it. Maybe I am slow on the take off, maybe I wasn't 100% ready when I had surgery. But, I am waking up from a fog and realizing I have a problem with food and I must deal with it now before it gets me. I have a tool to help me with this, it is up to me to use it and to develop other tools to deal with my addiction.

My, my, my... where do I even begin? Let's see. My life has drastically changed. I'm a different person, inside and out. And oh yeah, I found someone who loves me and my child and wants to marry me. Yup. Life is good. Wait... no.... life is GREATTTTTT! Bottom line, my life didn't begin until I had VSG. Plain and simple. No diet, no magical pill, no trainer workout session would ever get me to the point where I am today. I'm now smaller and weigh less than I did when I was in high school. I had a lifetime membership to the fat kids club, and now I'm on the outside looking in. If I could afford to pay for all my overweight friends and family to get this surgery, I would do it in a heart beat. This has been a high photographic month for me. My boyfriend and I are NOT engaged... yet. However it's on the horizon and we had formal pictures done with my son, and then last week I went on Vacation and he and I went to Las Vegas for 4 days with friends, followed by a week with my family in Colorado. It was amazing. And I lost weight on vacation.... my sleeve is a miracle worker! While the pounds aren't coming off as drastically as they use to, they are coming off. I'm still eating a pretty clean diet, and I work out 3 to 4 days a week for a couple of hours at the gym that has onsite daycare for my son. My schedule is a hectic mess, but once again- if I can do this- ANYONE can do this. There is no magical one thing I did. I did it all. I worked out as much as I could, forced my water consumption, and ate clean. The sleeve did the rest, and the proof is in the pics. Interesting side story: While on vacation I visited with my aunt, who has been my stand in mother my entire life, has been battling with a number of major issues that have made her gain 90 lbs over the past 7 years or so. Always a pillar of health, when menopause set in, followed by a major back surgery, she couldn’t stop the weight gain. Last month she found out she has major artery blockage, horrible cholesterol, and high blood pressure. They put her on a super intense strict diet. I sat her down, and told her EVERYTHING. She knew I had VSG, but I told her the good the bad and the ugly. I even told her I went to Mexico for the surgery (she was VERY upset, and I figured this might be her response…). Then she said something interesting- she told me I was a walking billboard for VSG. We went to lunch and dinner several times together, and she was watching my eating and drinking habits, and started asking me how I was a 2 bite wonder? How I could eat a little bit of everything but not binge? And asked me about how my hunger has lessened, if not almost totally disappeared.She has never seen me so healthy and happy. She said my weight really messed with my head and my life decisions, and she sees how drastically I’ve changed over the past year, and she was so proud. And also found out VSG is covered by here insurance! She has already made the doctors’ appointments to look into it. I’m so blessed and thankful; she looks at me as a success story. She said she would NEVER have considered it if I hadn’t done it. While I wish I could get all of my overweight friends to invest into the VSG surgery, it’s absolutely humbling that someone so close and important to me would consider this surgery. I truly hope she follows through with it, and I hope I’m there when she has surgery. Height: 5'9 Highest (Surgery) Weight: 216 lbs Current Weight: 147.1 lbs Weight Loss to Date: -68.9 lbs 1st Primary Goal Weight: 169 (Achieved 11/27) 2nd Optimal Goal Weight set by Doc: 145 3rd Final Personal Goal Weight: 135 Sleeve Journey: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 8/17/12- PreOp/Surgery Day w/Pics Posted in Blog Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2) Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2) Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8) Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-22.5 lbs) Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9) Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5) Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1) Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-11.6 lbs) Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5) Week 10 (10/26): 177.9 (-3.5) Week 11 (11/02): 176.8 (-1.1) Week 12 (11/09): 174.7 (-2.1) Week 13 (11/16): 173.3 (-1.4) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 11/17/12- 3 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-8.6 lbs) Week 14 (11/23): 173.1 (-.2) Week 15 (11/30): 167.3 (-5.8) Week 16 (12/7): 168.1 (+.8) Week 17 (12/14): 164.6 (-3.5) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 12/17/12- 4 Month Anniversary (-8.7 lbs) Week 18 (12/21): Holiday Break/Vacation- No Scale Available Week 19 (12/28): Holiday Break/Vacation- No Scale Available Week 20 (1/4/13): 164.5 (-.1) Week 21 (1/11): 161.5 (-3.0) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 01/17/13- 5 Month Anniversary (-3.1 lbs) Week 22 (1/18): 161.7 (+.2) Week 23 (1/25): 158.7 (-3.0) Week 24 (2/1): Out of town- No scale Available Week 25 (2/8): 157.2 (-1.5) Week 26 (2/15): 157.2 ( .0) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 02/17/13- 6 Month Anniversary 157.2 (-3.3 lbs) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 03/17/13- 7 Month Anniversary 153.9 (-3.3 lbs) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 04/17/13- 8 Month Anniversary 150.8 (-3.1 lbs) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 05/17/13- 9 Month Anniversary 147.1 (3.7 lbs)

Wow, what a powerful moment. Thank you for sharing. Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mom.

You made me choke up. I don't have kids, but your words rang so true! Good luck in everything, wish you nothing but the best!

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog post! I appreciate the support! I wrote it when the feelings were SO raw so that when I lost this motivation I could go back and read it and reread over and over again...I'm sure I will have moments when I'm afraid but those won't compare to what I felt last night. Thank you SO much for the support. I love this place

You go, girl!