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OK, I guess I jumped the gun a week ago when I said I was no longer obese because I weighed 227 and my BMI was 29.9. Ever since then, I've been fluctuating between 227 and 229. Guess I'm in some sort of a stall. Oh well, I'm not really stressing over it. I know I'm still doing all the right things and it will move when it wants to.

On May 17th I will hit the 5 month mark on my weightloss journey. I've officially lost 63 lbs since surgery, made it into Onderland (at last), experienced the dreaded stall, had my pants fall off because they were simply too big (I call it the Pants on the Ground Phenomena), cursed my scale which I swear was broken for a month, had my rings fall off my hand, gotten tons of great compliments, rediscovered mirrors, stopped hiding behind people in pictures, flown on Southwest planes where people actually chose the seat next to me even though there were many others open, been ushered out of the plus sizes section at a department store by a well meaning sales lady who thought I was lost, started wearing high heels again, eaten too much too fast and puked, gotten very drunk off of very little alcohol, learned how much I love solid proteins, started exercising again, and have started reaching out to old friends as part of my reconnection plan - which was part of my New Years resolution. My life is 100% happier. I cannot imagine NOT having this surgery. I look forward to what lies ahead, and I although I expect that I will be cursing my scale again at some point, I have faith that the remaining 73 lbs will be worked off in time. In many ways, I've restarted my life at age 40!

So I have been through all the emotions scared unsure happy sad calm etc. I am sure I still have some to go. I can only imagine the days or week leading to surgery. I can tend to be doom and gloom when facing the unknown! Then the dreaded pre-op liquid diet! I get snappy when I am hungry and I am sure my family will just love me those 2 weeks. I have been researching, picking brains, and trying to get me ready for this for over a year. I can see the end. Last week when I was approved I thought, "FINALLY" then some strange feeling of panic, and sadness. This was it, it went from I want to have this surgery to I am having this surgery. I mulled over this panic and sadness for a week. I realize that I am scared of changing me (never knew I kinda co depended on fat me until I was faced with finally get rid of her). I am scared/panicky ofcourse of complications and death. I have two young children. I am scared that I may fail. So I have been sitting with these feelings for a week. I woke up today and I know I am on the right path. I am sure those doubts will rear their ugly heads as I near my sleeve date but I know this is right. No ones opinion or advice can change my mind. I got this. Well today I do! What a crazy journey! I also decided to stop the chaos and focus on what is going in my big mouth. I pretty much eat healthy meals it's the in between when I am hungry that gets me. I need to make wiser snack choices. So I'm back on the wagon so to speak. I am even going to replace a meal and snack with a protein shake. So we will see how this goes. Ever since I put in my paperwork I admit I have been having food funerals. So that madness HAS TO STOP! Those funerals are just adding guilt on top of all the other emotions I am having. I am back in control! Happy Monday to us all!

I want each of you to know that you are my heroes. The more I read about each of you, the more I admire you. My prayer for you all this week is for courage, self confidence, energy, hope, and love. Where ever you are on your journey, I applaud you. Pat yourself on the back. You are a great person. As you look in the mirror each day this week, say out loud, "I am someone's hero." Whether you take one step at a time or many steps at once, you will get there. Looking back is only for learning, not dwelling on. Judy

Yep... I'm feeling majorly guilty today... yes.. I just finished working out.. I should be happy right? Burned over 500 calories - BUT that doesn't make up for the fact that I was extremely out of control this weekend.. blah... totally didn't follow my eating plan. Granted, I had a wonderful time.. but honestly these 'relapses' aren't going to help me with my goals... I wasn't logging my food and after doing it this morning I so went over my caloric limit on BOTH Saturday and Sunday... of course I did work out on Saturday - so I don't feel so badly about that.. but I am pretty disappointed in my inability to resist temptation... I have known for a long time that I am addicted to food - especially GOOD food.. and in addition to that - I am also an emotional eater. Face it. I love to eat. But I also know that THIS behavior is also the behavior that got me to 495lbs the first time... so alas - though I made some really poor choices this weekend, looking on the bright side of things? I did get up this morning and kicked butt during my workout.. that's something right? So I take it one day at a time... and make a personal vow to make good choices in my eating and drinking - TODAY... because I can't do anything about what I did this weekend.. so I move past it...

So, I am completely new to blogging but thought I'd give it a try. I'm hoping that by putting my thoughts, fears, and hopes down, it will help me through my journey of weight loss. If in the process, it happens to help any of you who stumble across my writings, then that's even better!! First of all, although I have not always been obese, I have always been "chubby" and/or have struggled with my weight and had an issue with food. I am an emotional eater. I eat if bored, angry, depressed, happy. . . you name it, and I'll eat for it!! I come from a very Italian family who solved everything with food. I recently came across a diary I kept when I was in high school. Most of the entries were about me complaining about how fat I was and if I could only lose a few more pounds I'd be able to fit into a bikini!! I couldn't believe how fat I thought I was when looking back I know for a fact that I was 120lbs at my heaviest in high school!!! Most of my weight gain came about after a miscarriage, losing a baby when I was 23 weeks pregnant, then from my first and second successful pregnancies. I ballooned eventually up to 252 lbs and this was way too much weight on my 5'3 frame. My back hurt, my knees hurt, I had high blood pressure, pre-diabetes. The list goes on. I tried many different weight loss programs, diet pills, gym memberships, etc. Nothing worked. I finally got up the courage to go for Lap Band. This is my physical, mental and emotional journey. First off, I was banded on 3/1/13. Liquids one week, pureed one week, soft solids one week then. . . regular food. Lost about 18 pounds. No problems to speak of until I went for my first fill on 4/9 when my doc found a kink. . . literally. He could fill but not aspirate! Apparently, my tubing had kinked he believes due to intra-abdominal pressure within the first few hours or days of banding! So, he only filled about 1.5 ccs. Went 4/11 for an x-ray, and lo and behold. . . staring right at me is a very sharp kink that of course, my doctor and the GI fellow both could not manipulate manually to unkink! Fast forward several weeks, and here I am again fresh out of surgery on 5/3 where I had to have the port replaced. Luckily, it wasn't as invasive as the first surgery, so I am not experiencing any of that wonderful chest, back, shoulder pain, etc., Basically, just pain at the incision site. This poor site has already been used 3 times! Originally to remove my gallbladder, then for band surgery #1 and now #2! Any more incisions in that area, and I think the scar will stand up and slap me!!! Now I'm on liquids until Tuesday when I see my doc again. He filled my band to 3ccs. Total weight loss so far is about 24 lbs. I'm hoping all will be well this time. We will see!!! I'll update again after I see my doc on 5/7. Wish me luck!!

Rule #1 - Cardio Walking is not wonderful. The only part I do like is getting outside and attempting to beat my previous time. Yesterday, I walked an 18 min. mile. That may not sound like much, but when I first started my mile was around 30 mins. - if I could do a mile. So, I am trying to follow the program and get better, and faster but I can’t say that I love every minute of it. Walking is boring. If I could get away with it, I wouldn’t walk. Maybe if I could figure out some way to bring my computer with me on a walk I’d have a different attitude. And while some people are very adroit at using smart phones for everything, I tend to crash into cars, trees, and big rocks if I don’t concentrate on where I’m going. I always try to walk with a buddy. That way there’s someone to talk to and hold me accountable for showing up. And, it’s a safety thing as well. If we happen upon a bear or wolf on the trail, I don’t have to worry about out running the bear. I only have to out run my buddy! I’ve thought about getting one of the new exercise office desks. So I can stay in the house and walk. Basically it’s a treadmill with a desktop mounted where the controls are normally placed. I could walk and surf at the same time. But if history is any predictor of the future, it will just become another thousand dollar clothes hanger. Running - I think it is one of my bucket list items. It would be nice to be able to run again. I don’t think I’ve ran more than a few steps since high school. Even then, I really couldn’t run more than a quarter mile, but even that distance seems like a pipe dream at this point. So, I will only be running if someone or something that wants to eat me (and not in a nice way!) is chasing. And, let’s be honest, the evil thing will more than likely get me. Just like in Zombie Land – “The 1st to go were the fatties.” That reminds me … I need to check my bathroom and make sure there are no zombie clowns waiting in ambush. Keep Pimpin That Sleeve!

This week I have been confronted with more and more people noticing my "physical changes". This makes me feel very vulnerable and I am not sure why? I have been heavy my whole life and I think, for the most part, I have "accepted" this about myself. Even "identified" with being heavy. With time, I have compensated by having a BIG personality in order to be "seen". I drove myself to accomplish many things. For instance, I was a good student, I worked very hard on my career and got promoted because of it, I am a good friend, sister, daughter, etc. I really felt that, aside from my weight, I have a lot to offer to the world and I am displaying this in other aspects of my life. Until my weight became a VERY unhealthy issue, I really didn't think it held me back from living my life. The more people focus on my physical changes...the more I want to hide. Hiding was never an issue when I was heavier. I have noticed that taking a compliment has been difficult, that the more people focus on how "good" I look...the more I have tuned down my personality in order to now take the focus off myself. My brain still has not caught up with the changes my body has made. I am hoping the journey will help understand these new feelings and vulnerabilities. Perhaps accepting a new identity and a new normal. I am learning a lot about myself and as much excitement this process brings....it's also dusting up fears that I didn't even know I had.