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My initial loss with my band was amazing (and a little scary), but the joy of seeing pounds dropping off on a daily basis was truly fantastic. As I was looking at my weight this morning, I noticed that I had only lost 5 pounds during the month of April and was tempted toward the negative by comparing my loss with what I did when I was first banded. Then I started to think about my bike ride on Sunday, 28 miles, 23 miles two days before, Both at speeds that it took me 5 months of work up to last year to be able to sustain for 15 miles. I thought about my spin class and the progress I have made during it, where I had to stop and rest halfway through when I first started. I thought about the fact that it is time to go shopping for clothes again because my pants are starting to bunch at the waist when I tighten my belt enough to hold them up. I thought about the fact that I am down to one belt because I haven't punched holes in the other two. I thought about the fact that the fat percentage on my scale hit a new low number this morning. I thought about all the weight that I lost on WW, and how 5 pounds in a month would have been a cause for celebration. Yup, the low hanging fruit of my band journey is all gone, but that's ok I burn more calories when I have to climb the branches to reach the higher fruit. Father God, please help me to remain thankful for all that you have given me instead of focusing on what I don't have...

I planned this surgery for a year. I dreamed about it for a lot longer than that. So, when my surgery finally got approved and scheduled, I immediately hid it from almost everyone close to me. No one at my office knows I was sleeved. Only my husband, best friend, 2nd Mom (my mom's best friend.... She stands in for my Mom), and one brother (of five siblings). Everyone else knows the "vague truth" story.... A procedure done to remove some of the fat in my liver and "roto-rooting" to discourage more fat build-up in my otherwise compromised liver. Still.... Sort of the truth. So, what's the big deal? Why am I hesitant to just say, "yeah, I got sleeved to lose weight?" Why is there shame around that? Is it because John Q Public who has always been height-weight proportionate is quick to judge it? It's the easy way out, right? More admiration and respect goes to those who lose weight on their own and keep it off. Right? Somehow, this is cheating? It's cheating to sacrifice 80% of a vital organ for the REST of my LIFE? It's the easy way out to never get to enjoy a big Thanksgiving meal with my family EVER again? I'm taking a short cut by undergoing general anesthesia and getting punctured - not once - but five times in the gut? It's just a vacation for me knowing my hair is going to fall out and I can only hope it grows back? Right. Still, I feel the social stigma of the shame that goes with. Today, I've been reflecting on this. And this is the peace I'm making with it. Society says they admire a person who loses weight "on their own." This includes people using appetite suppressants. An appetite suppressant is just a tool to prop them up, but THEY are the ones doing the HARD work. THEY are having to change their eating habits and choices. They couldn't do it without the appetite suppressant. It is a needed tool to accomplish their ultimate goal - lose weight. The sleeve IS AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT. The difference is, IT actually WORKS, and works for the long-term FAR FAR FAR better than any prescription drug that is swallowed. And, I'm not adding chemicals to my body. I'm not forgetting to take it, or changing my mind about taking it, or dealing with unpleasant side effects. I have an appetite suppressant THAT REALLY WORKS! And, after the weight comes off, I won't rebound like most people do who "do it themselves" (according to John Q Public). So, I am thinking that we Sleevers have a responsibility to TEACH others. We have every right to hold our heads up with pride for being COURAGEOUS ENOUGH to make this lifelong commitment to change a lifelong brainwashing about healthy-eating and healthy-living. I refuse to accept any snide remarks from anyone. I will communicate pity to them for their ignorance and lack of evolving. And, I'll certainly offer to enlighten them on how one should think about their health going into the 21st Century. Sleeving isn't just giving me my life back. It is SAVING my life. I'm not ashamed of myself. I'm PROUD of me! I found a RELIABLE tool to use to lose weight. The most reliable tool available. This is the hardest work I've ever loved!

I'm channeling my inner Dori and singing to myself...Just keep swimming, just keep swimming...in more ways than one. Today is 8 weeks and I lost a whole pound this week. So my 9# loss in Month 2 is a lot less than my 19# loss in my first month. BUT things are definitely changing...so I've just gotta keep going! I joined a gym last week. After a little fiasco with the first gym I tried (a very uncomfortable experience) I ended up joining a gym that the whole family can go to. They have 3 pools and a great kids program and I think it's going to be a great place for my whole family. I have gone everyday since I joined and am doing a lot of swimming. I'm not a very fast swimming but I can definitely tell I'm working parts of my body that haven't been worked in awhile. My step daughter is a water polo player and she has taken it upon herself to be my personal trainer and is having me do her water workouts....well my version of them anyway She is either going to whip me into shape or kill me...LOL My kids are swimming with me, and it's been interesting to hear their comments about Mom getting in and swimming and not just sitting on the side soaking my feet. Apparently, I have been missing out on a lot since I got heavier . So I am walking, and biking, and swimming...trying to get in 5-6 days a week of some sort of activity. So even if the scale isn't moving very much, I KNOW I am in a very different place than I was last year at this time. I'm not the heaviest person at the pool, and I'm not the skinniest...but I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin!!! Heaviest Weight: 281 3/6/13 Surgery: 257 (-24) 3/13/13: 251 (-6) 3/20/13: 245 (-6) 3/28/13: 238 (-7) 4/3/13: 238 (-0) FIRST MONTH -19# 4/10/13: 237 (-1) 4/17/13: 235 (-2) 4/24/13: 233 (-2) 5/2/13: 229 (-4) SECOND MONTH -9#

"It ain't over till the fat lady sings" So, I think I'll write a song about this struggle and drama and love/hate relationship with food and my experiences with being obese....errr, I'm FAT...then I'll sing it and it'll be OVER. Ha ha ha... well, maybe not. Maybe I'll change the saying to "It ain't over till the fat lady sleeves!" There are so many things I can't do, or choose not to do because of my weight. It's like a prison in ways (weighs)..and self-imposed sometimes, other times because of things I can't control. Some things are just literally impossible to do. Like running, fitting into a roller coaster seat, etc. Other things I won't do because it embarrasses me to do it or I'm afraid of being judged (wearing shorts, having my picture taken) Silly and sad and vain at times, but true. Singing is one of those things in my life that people say I should do more of. Why don't I? It's because of my weight. I absolutely LOVE to sing, and I believe I'm pretty good at it. My husband even bought me a guitar last Christmas and I attempted to learn to play it three or four times till it made me cry trying to hold it and play it with nearly no lap and a belly that looks like I'm about 7 months pregnant. Then, of course, I feel guilty because it looks like I didn't totally adore him for buying it for me - he loves me to sing. Of course, being overweight doesn't prevent me from singing, physically speaking, other than I seem to have more limits on my lung capacity. There is, however, the lack of energy, and being depressed about being unable to lose weight without WLS and be healthy and realizing how it affects my family and my goals and our future... all add up to mean I don't feel much like singing these days. I admit the way I look affects my self acceptance and esteem. What's there to sing about? Yeah, and the occasional pity party. So, WLS is my "swan song"...lol. I'm gonna be the fat lady singing that my losing battle with FAT is OVER. I'm gonna use this WLS tool to kick the BUTT of obesity in my life! And, this got me to thinking about all those "little things" and "big things" I will be so very happy to do again, or things that will be different (in a good way), whether it's because of the physical limits, or because I choose not to because of my weight and size and my feelings of guilt and frustration for not keeping myself healthy and fit. So, the parts of my life or things that will change or improve when I am at my healthy goal weight --- (from 295 to 150-ish) Energy - Hugs - Clothing - Shoes - Less pain - Marriage - Travel - Sleep - Pictures - Singing - Swelling - Exercise - Activities - Social life - Family get-togethers - Summertime - well, here's some detail...in no particular order and by no means complete: 1. I can walk into a "normal people" department store and find a cute dress that fits me. How happy I will feel... because I will always remember what it was like before, at 300 lbs.... (No more crying in the dressing room, I have to get a bigger size? good grief, how hard it is to move around just to change clothes because I'm sweating and it's a small space and the mirror is mean to me.) 2. I can wear cute shoes. I can wear strappy sandals. I can wear heels. I can put shoes on without holding my breath. (No more "supportive" shoes for plantar faciitis-hopefully, so no more heel pain and knee pain, hip pain that presently prevent the heels and cute shoes I want to wear) 3. I can sleep.. fall asleep for a nap anywhere... spend the night anywhere. Sleep will be good. (No more CPAP needed. Sleep Apnea cured.) 4. Climb stairs, walk fast, walk all day shopping (No more getting totally out of breath to the point I black out or wheezing like I am dying) 5. Fit in things/seats.... - be it plane, train, roller coaster... or restaurant booth, movie theater, desk chair, swing, stadium seat. (No more fear of breaking a chair, not fitting and being told I'm too heavy, no more pain in chairs that are not big enough for me, no fear of the terribly judgmental looks from passengers on a plane or train as they see me get on - hoping I'm not sitting next to them...uugghh) 6. ENERGY ... Oh my, that one applies to so many areas - or every area of life. 7. Sex ... I'll leave the details unsaid - but this is a priority. It's gonna be better than my present weight allows it to be. 8. Mom & Grandmother things - My grown children are close to marrying age and in serious relationships which means upcoming weddings and not too many years till they'll be having kids, too. The thought of being healthy, energetic and active for the future is great motivation here too. 9. Long life - My husband and I have been married three years this July. It's not our first go-around, and we have a LOT of things to enjoy as we grow together and we want a long, enjoyable future - not one filled with pain, health problems and limitations. 10. I'll SING - I have committed to pursue this talent in a way that will be personally fulfilling and hopefully inspirational. It's not that I can't sing now, while I'm overweight... but I feel as though losing my excess weight will be like a curtain lifting to reveal the "me" I've been all along, but finally I admitted needing help to find again. So many more... but for now, that's what I'll remind myself of today. This is why the surgery will be worth it. The pain, the challenge, the new habits, the struggles, the day to day choices, the realization and commitment to the lifestyle changes, and the milestones that may come slowly. Flutterby (it's gotta be what butterflies were really called first... there it goes, fluttering by) and I'm coming out of this cocoon too... soon!

Oh my word amazing words!! And so true. I stopped telling people after some huge negativity!! I was weak.. Cheating.. all I need is willpower!! And a good gym! Ha if only my eating habits were that easily controlled!! I was looking into amphetamine based appetite suppressants (with the risk of all the major side effects) and I was like "Rachel what are you doing?!!"" I encountered one person yesterday ( I told my 3 closest friends here) I felt I had to as we eat out so much and knew they would be suspicious. 2 of my friends said how brave I was.. Very encouraging. The other one said not one single word & tried to change the subject!! I am still shocked & upset by this. We sleevers are brave and committed to giving up something we had a relationship with all our lives! We have made a decision to break an unhealthy habit which would eventually give us heart disease... Diabetes.. High blood pressure etc! How can this be the easy way out?!! It's not. I was also a daily consumer of alcohol (2 glasses every night!!) I am not missing this & I have never gone 4 weeks without! So I agree whole heartily that we are very very brave & it's not the cheats way out!!

Yep... can you believe it? I'm back! I'm feeling pretty good today - except pretty sore... but no worries - I stuck to the pre-op diet (no problem there.. and totally avoided temptation!!) AND best of all? Just finished with my workout! Yay!! Actually I got up this morning - forced myself out of bed, did some morning stretches to warm up and then jumped on the bike for a bit and went for a little ride.. That definitely woke me up!! However today at work - I noticed I was still a bit sore (even after doing cool down stretches) so of course I was determined to make sure I got some cardio in... I mixed it up though - I just danced.. heh heh...a bit weird right? Yep right here in my living room.. just turned on the music and danced.. and you know what? I had FUN!! and wow was I sweating... I soooo love Pandora's Latin Workout Radio.. that kept me going for a good 30 minutes and even better? I burned a cool 350 calories whoo hoo!! I love that I made the purchase of a heart rate monitor - at least it gives me an idea of what I am burning - and when I need to step it up or slow it down! I think for this whole 'exercise thing' to work for me - in addition to keeping myself in a routine of my cardio workouts on the bike and the elliptical along with the weights to tone - I think I will have to have some fun too.. and I'm thinking dancing should do it! It was a bit weird for me (as I've never been a GREAT dancer) but hey.. I'm MOVING this body of mine and enjoying every minute of it... pretty cool... found something new... Anywho - Just wanted to keep the lapband world out there updated.. Thanks again to all of you who keep me inspired!! Toodles!!

Thank you for the reminder! I needed that today!

I have a serious problem with wanting instant gradification. I think I've always been this way. My mom says patience was never my strong suit. I guess this is way gaining weight was so easy for me. You eat, it taste good, instant grad. Where the calories don't build up to pounds quickly so I don't see the negive consequence so fast. I went into this surgery knowing that the loss would not be instant, however I did believe I would have lost more by this point (only 55 lbs in 10 months). I did well the first little bit, but then it has taken me 4 months to lose 10 lbs. I worry that I've lost all I will lose, a co-worker has told me over and over that with lapband you only lose 50 to 60 % of your excess body weight, and I am right there. With exercise I also find it hard to keep on schedule. Due to my desire for instant gradification I find it difficult to say walk, do the elliptical, lift weights for x length of time because I see no result afterwards. Now, I love cutting my grass (I push mow my .28 acre), working in my flowers, even cleaning my kitchen and house because when I am done I can see a difference- instant grad. I know I need a regular exerecise plan, but I am having a really hard time sticking to one. I can go a month maybe two then I slack off due to other obligations that get in the way. Once I don't do it one day it makes it hard to get back at it. The hubs fusses at me for this, but he does the same thing. At one point we were walking the dogs on the trail behind the house every night, but long hours at work rain, we don't do that now. My eating I think I am doing well with. I am making good choices, eating small portions, and drinking water. I know that limiting my carbs more than I have already done may help me get it down even more, but I worry I wouldn't be able to keep that up long term. I am a meat and potatos girl, always have been. I think basically I need to suck it up, put on my big girl panties, stop wining and do something!!! I find it easier to cut carbs than I think, I had a much easier time letting go of soda than I thought I would. The exercise may still be an issue, but maybe I will be more apt to do it if I get a gym membership- I don't like to waste money. I am in contemplative mode right now, the pity party is over, I am planning now to get over this hump. I want to kick my want power into high geer!! Please any one who want to kick me in the seat of the pants, bring it on. I want to move forward!

Hiccups are what's called a "soft stop". This means they are a signal from your band that you are approaching full and you need to put down your fork and walk away. If I ignore the message, it can get ugly...