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Ok here we go!! My sugery is two weeks from today and I am starting my own version of the Pre-Op diet!! If anyone has read my previous entries you will know that I decided to start cutting stuff back and out since the day my surgery was booked (April 1, 2013). For the last two weeks I have been carb free and in dietary ketosis… so this week I have decided to go clear liquids only throughout the day, and one sensible low carb low fat protein rich meal for dinner – it will be chicken or fish with a low carb vegetable. Day 1, 12:24… I am FREAKING HUNGRY!! However, I am going to withstand this physical discomfort because I know that on the flip side, it will be gone. Why am I torturing myself you may ask? Because I feel that the challenge I will face following my surgery will be as much mental and emotional as it is physical. I want to learn now, over the next 14 days how much protein my body needs, and when, along with the various other nutrient requirements (Multi Vit, Calcium,D, B12). My resolve is not to feel unwell or weak the first couple of weeks following my surgery, but moreover; to not panic and start climbing the walls because there is nothing solid going into my body. I hope it works. So far, the gradual decrease has been working for me. I feel physically stable, and mentally empowered. I have lost 18 lbs this year, and 39 since my top weight. Neither refined sugar nor caffeine call the shots anymore so now I tackle ghrelin – I hope it knows the strong stubborn b***h its up against. In other news, my sister will now be coming with me to Juarez and I am super excited. She is as silly as me and I think we will have a ball. My bf/ ex bf?? whatever he is now... has not been home since Monday. We have talked and “made up” so to speak. I don’t believe there was any affair or any of the sort going on... because I know exactly where he stayed (and with whom). However, to get in a snit and not come home or check in for a couple of days after a fight, is extremely childish and disrespectful - especially for a man in his 40s!!!. My feeling at this point is that he is waiting for me to ask him to come home. That’s not happening. I love the man, but I am far to old for this crap, and I have a wonderful son to think about. And really, if I can get over Chocolate, I can get over Justin! :Þ

How long has it been? How long since I felt like I was the right size and weight and everything about my body was acceptable? And, bigger question... Where did this bloated, waddling, unhealthy, wide loaded woman come from that keeps showing up in my mirror and in pictures that get taken with my family? Looking in the mirror is so hard, especially in the evenings when I'm getting ready for bed and seeing "all my glory" and realizing I really am as big and ugly fat and tired looking as I feel. Arrrrggghhh! Is that really me? How did I let myself get to this point? I sit in a dressing room, my cute little teenage daughter (13) trying on adorable trendy little outfits and dresses. I see her spin and pose as she gets in a pink princess thing. She walks back in to try another one on. I'm sitting on a bench holding several hangers of other dresses and feeling tired, again. I look over at the mirror and see myself and I lose it. I cry and almost start sobbing right then and there. It hurts so bad. I used to look like her and I thought I was fat. Is that what doomed me to this? Was it because I didn't thank God for how I looked then? Did I take it for granted? Honestly, I have thought I was fat from eighth grade (5'7", 130 lbs) when I began to get taller and a little wider in the hips than my little petite and pretty and girly classmates. That's the same age as my youngest daughter. I already hear occasional little comments she makes of herself and things that are not just perfect. I want to make her see how beautiful she is and embrace it! When I look back at pictures from that time in my life (high school years), I wanna go back and slap her (myself) silly for not appreciating how pretty I was. I really had such an adorable figure. No, I didn't have much in the way of boobs, but I had curves in other "right places." I got attention from boys. I looked great and was tall and thin really, until I had my second child at 22. In all truth, I know a lot of the explanations and reasons that I am in this place physically. I know there are a variety of things to blame from four pregnancies, perhaps a few medical causes, nutritionally bad choices, laziness, pain, bad marriage, stress, genetics, environment, and probably a few I haven't read about or dealt with yet. Now in the last three years I come to the point where I have these little break downs like in the dressing rooms multiple times, or getting ready for a night out or to go to church and just sit in my closet and cry and hate myself. I've done it getting out of bed (rather, heaving myself out). Mentally being in a state of fury at my limitations that I know are self-imposed when I try to help my daughter move out of her college apartment and I can't even carry a 15 pound box down a flight of stairs without having to rest 10 minutes and huff and puff like I ran a mile. This place is my "low point"... my "end of the rope". I'm at the bottom and exhausted enough to finally admit I need MAJOR HELP. And THAT is what brought me to WLS and specifically VSG. There is a change in my focus that has helped me transition slowly, day by day from disgust with where I let my weight go and my new found hope and belief in myself I have begun to feed little by little with that hope. I can do this... I can do this... I really can be healthy and fit again. There is a tool I can use that I never really considered. Thanks to where I am in my life, the fact that we have good insurance through my husband's job and the support and encouragement he has showered on me constantly... I'm ready. I'm feeling that by this time next year, I'll be looking in mirrors and pictures and saying "WOW, I knew that pretty girl was still in there somewhere under all the fat."

I guess the band is really working because i haven't gotten hungry yet. That doesn't mean that i dont have the urge to eat tho. I guess its all in my head. I'm not really in that much pain. It only hurts when I try to get out of bed and walk around and stuff which i have to do often. I tried a different protein shake and i think its too thick because it hurts when i try to drink it. I'm gonna try a different protein shake and see how it goes. I might just be that the shake is too thick because when i drink water or some other kind of 'thin' liquid i be okay. I'm complaining now but i know in the long run it all will be worth it!

It's a week before my TOM, so maybe that is why I am feeling this way, but ugghhh! I got up this morning like any other, weighed after potting, 190.8! Geez, how, I am following the rules. I want my 189 back or lower!! Moving on with the morning routine, I put my clothes on and go to fix my hair. I had on a sleeveless top (I had a shirt to go over top that I would put on before leaving), as I am doing my hair. I lift my arms up to begin curling- OMG!!!!! My arms, OMG- they are huge, that is what a thigh should look like not my arm and the hubs says my arms are smaller- OMG!!! How big were they? Then my eye drop down- I fail to see any of the postives that have come with losing 50+- I only see the remaining fat rolls! I see how my tummy still pouches, my back fat- UGH- I am a huge fat hippo!! I feel like having surgery did nothing for me- ok I realize that isn't true, but I am in full pitty party mode. I have only lost 54 lbs in 10 months- I am a failure - others have lost so much more. Why didn't I have bypass, then maybe I would be smaller now. I am sick of getting stuck at meals! My pitty party was in full swing. I wasn't just thinking all this the hubs was sleepily listening. Finally, when I turned and said if I am this freaking huge now, just how big was I really before I lost the weight. At that point the hubs just said I love you and you are beautiful to me and turn and walked out!! He knew there was no talking to me at that point, I was firmly in the mode. As most men can relate, when a woman is in this mode there is nothing a man can say and not get in trouble for, so it is best to be quiet- my husband know this all to well. Now a few hours later I am at work, still down, but not total pity party. I am just in the mode of ok, this sucks I want to lose more, I am tired of this being so slow, so what do I do now. As much as I do not want to add a more rigourous exercise routine to my plan, I think that is the next step I need to do. Also, trimming carbs even more- I dont' like this, but if it helps and get me to where I want/need to be then I gotta get with it. So tonight after work- I do have the push mow the lawn (I actually do enjoy this- gives me time to think while doing something productive that has a postive result I can see when I am done). I am also going to have a talk with the hubs, I am going to need support from him to kick it into the next level. He has always been supportive and loving and I know he will be this time to. So how many of you have pity party days, where you still feel like a beached whale?

7 weeks Post Op and the Honeymoon is OVER for me. The first 3 weeks the weight melted off, then I had the dreaded stall. The stall broke and now I am losing 1-2 pounds a week. Which is great! BUT, it is definitely work! I am having to make very conscience decisions about what I eat and to exercise. Sound familiar?? Sounds like the standard eat less, move more mantra that every doctor/nutritionist has told me my whole life. DUH!! See, I am one of those "lucky" ones that can tolerate anything. Nothing makes me sick, I guess I have a sleeve of steel to quote someone else. Now, I am limited to how much I can eat which is definitely a good thing. Because I CAN eat anything doesn't mean I SHOULD. This weekend was my eye opener. We had people over and I discovered that I can drink...DANG! I had a couple drinks, and I munched ALOT. I can eat a little something, then a little bit later I can eat a little more. I felt like I was eating all night. I did keep track of everything on Myfitnesspal on my phone so I have a really good idea of what it really looked like. When you add in the drinks (which were vodka and diet cranberry, which is a decent choice) I ended up close to 1200 calories for the day. Pre-Surgery that would have been a GREAT day. However post surgery that was very eye opening for me. I could see very clearly that my choices and decisions are going to make a huge difference in my outcome...regardless of the surgery! The surgery helps, for sure, but I am still going to have to do the work or I'll be right back to where I started!! So like any normal person, the next day, I picked myself up...took the lessons to heart...and started over. Made good food choices and kept exercising. I say "like any normal person" because previously this would not be the way I handled it. I would have said "oh well, I blew it so I might as well quit" and my one day of bad eating would have turned into 2, then 3 then a week. I am alternating between walking and riding my bike (the picture is of me the other day with my uber-cool cruiser bike!) and I just found out that 24 hour fitness has a great deal going on so I think tomorrow (pay day) I'll be joining the gym too! I think that's a good reward for losing almost 50 lbs!! Heaviest Weight: 281 3/6/13 Surgery: 257 (-24) 3/13/13: 251 (-6) 3/20/13: 245 (-6) 3/28/13: 238 (-7) 4/3/13: 238 (-0) FIRST MONTH -19# 4/10/13: 237 (-1) 4/17/13: 235 (-2) 4/24/13: 233 (-2)

Good morning! After a solid week of battling the same damn pound, I dropped it Monday, and two more since then It is a great and rewarding feeling to get on the scale and see those changes. It makes the extra time it took to dig out a weight watchers recipe and cook versus grabbing fast food that much more rewarding. The weather is finally breaking here in Michigan, and it's beautiful out!! Can't wait to get out and walk every single day again- I miss it sooooo much! I'm back horseback riding again, which wasn't something I had given up due to my weight or anything...but I kind of see now, looking back, I gave up a lot of stuff indirectly becuase of my weight. I didn't feel like going out, I wasn't in the mood, didn't have the energy, etc. I love getting out now- getting dressed and going out in the world. I'm almost to my 1/2 way point in my journey...down 49# total, with 56# more to go. I'm excited to start seeing myself IN pictures with my kids, instead of just standing behind the camera all the time. I'm excited to get dressed and know that nobody is noticing me for what is or isn't showing- it's like an entirely new outlook on life. I have always had my weight weigh really heavily on my mental well-being and my attitude, so I'm glad to see as I shed pounds, my attitude changes, my life is better, and I'm so much happier! Had to share some uplifting stuff today- I know that I haven't been on as much, and I want to be able to track my journey on here as well as maybe help someone out that is questioning if this is the right choice for them or not. I know everyone is different, but I would do this for myself 100xs over if I had to. I finally have my LIFE BACK Have a great day y'all!