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Many of you know my story, banded February 2012, reached my goal weight in December 2012 and have been trying to maintain that weight since. Many of you say I’m a success and look to me for advice & guidance. My biggest fear with this journey has been gaining my weight back once I reached my goal. I never feared the surgery or the weight loss; I knew I could do it. But, could I handle maintaining this weight for the rest of my life? Tonight, I failed. I failed myself, I failed my band and I failed my family. I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hide in a corner so no one will know….. But, I must face it and confess. I had purchased a box of chocolate drumstick ice cream cones for my step daughter this weekend. She ate 1; tonight I ate the other 9. YES 9! At 170 calories that is 1, 530 calories in less than 1 hour. One right after the other, big bites shoving them down as fast as I wanted. The band didn’t stop me, in fact it didn't make a sound, let me gobble away a lot of hard work. I write this confession with tears running down my face. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I knew I would f** it up and I did. I can’t even tell you why I ate them. My evening routine was no different than any other night, wasn’t bored or depressed or stressed. I saw the box, opened one knowing darn well I shouldn’t and then the only thing that stopped me was getting to the bottom of the box. I honestly wished to get sick so I would stop. It was complete sabotage. I was trying to failure. I have to face this and stop it. I do not want to gain weight, I do not want to binge eat like this and have this sick feeling. I had to make myself write this blog, I had to face up to it. This is the only way to grow and learn. I am only human doing the best I can. I will put this behind me and move on.

The Beginning Growing up I use to tell everyone I was born fat so I am going to die fat! My story starts on July 28th 1983 my wonderful mother gave birth to a beautiful 10 pound baby girl…. Me! My parents told me I was the biggest baby in the hospital and I was proud of that. Who ever thought that this was the beginning of my obesity life. I am not going to sit here and writing about how I was teased when I was growing up and how I eat everything is sight because I will be lying to you guys and I am many things but I lair I am not. I was never tease about my weight growing up. So what cause me to become plus size diva? One word boredom. I was never athletic in school but I was involved in a lot of different activities like girls scouts, drama clubs and etc. Majority of the time all I did was eating junk food and when I was at home I was eating junk food either because I was bored. Fast forward to my high school life preferably my Senior year. Me and my best friend (Note: Just in case you are wondering we are still best friends!) were going to join the Air Force together but I had to lose 40 pounds in order to join. Guess what? I did as a matter of fact and I lost about 60 pounds. Impressive Right? Too bad I inherited my dad’s feet and could not join because I have no arch in my feet. True Story! I was devastated but life goes on and so did my weight. Life in my 20’s the yo-yo dieting years! Who wants to play I’ve been on that diet game? Since I couldn’t join the armed forces I decided to work for the government and started going to college. I always struggle with my weight and I spent most of my twenties trying out different diets. I gain back 50 pounds that I lost before with a new set of boobs. No I didn’t get a boob job I think 20% of my weight gain went to my boobs. For the longest time I have maintained my weight from 225 to 235. Then all of a sudden I was either losing a friend and a relative every year. I took my frustrations out by eating food. I am an emotional eater and I can admit that. My last diet that I was on was Weight Watchers I actually did pretty well on it until I hit a plateau then I never got back on track. I learned how to accept weighing at 250 or 255 and maintaining that. Until August of last year… For the past 4 years I’ve been maintaining my weight 250 to 255 but this time around my Wii fit (my scale) Said 267! I swear I thought my Wii fit was lying. Until I weighted myself on several scales at work and I found out the harsh reality. Why I chose to have the lap band….. A Quarter life mid crisis! After many bottles of beer and soul searching, I told myself “I gave obesity my 20’s I refuse to give obesity my 30’s!” I decided to start working on a better me. I watch a Weight Management seminar online to get a better understanding on my surgical weight lost options. I immediately knew if I was going to pick a WLS it was going to be the Lap band. Why, because I didn’t want my stomach to be cut in half, my inside to be rerouted and etc. Sorry but that does not sound healthy to me. I didn’t wake up and said I was going to get the lap band this was a 7 month process. I wanted to try to lose weight on my own first but at the same time I went to a local support group to help me with my final decision. I am glad I went to a local support group because some of the YouTube videos I found scared the crap out of me. October I made my decision to get the lap band. On February 9th I got my approval letter from my insurance company and 2 months later (April 9th) I got my surgery date May 1st 2013! I am looking for to my healthier lifestyle and a new me! My goal is to be 20 pounds lighter on my 30th birthday! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading

I was banded a little over a year ago, I've lost over 80 pounds and I am at my goal weight. I also drink wine every evening. I don’t hide this from anyone. I have posted such information several times and when I get PM’d about it I answer honestly. I knew when I decided to get the band that I would have to change my life and I was more than willing to do just that. But, I was not willing to give up my wine. I enjoy wine, I like the taste. My husband & I often go wine tasting at some of the Texas wineries. So, I decided that wine was going to be a part of my lifestyle. From day one (& before) I have enjoyed my evening wine. Yes, the evening of my surgery I had a glass. I count the empty calories (110 calories for 5oz of wine, approximately) and I am careful. I know that wine relaxes the band right along with you. So if you drink too much and the munchies set in…..everything will go down & then some. I am responsible with my wine. I don’t drink for the effect of the alcohol. I drink wine because of the taste. You wonder, does my doctor know? Of course he does, I tell my doctor everything. Hiding information from your doctor only hurts you. My thoughts are this, if you have something you love and you can manage it then you should enjoy it. Make it a part of your plan. I have a friend that has a treat once a week of their favorite fast food meal, and another who has a single serving bag of Cheetos every day. Depriving yourself will not work. If you are anything like me, you will get resentful and end up splurging and hating yourself after. Enjoy your love, just manage it and you will succeed.

I had my sleeve done on March 30, 2013. This is my story so far… even though I feel like I am eating like a bird, my weight loss has come to a halt! I am upping the exercise a bit to see if that helps. The lack of weight loss is frustrating, however, I am fitting into smaller clothes! It is the best decision I have ever made regarding my health. At first I felt very sad - I missed chewing - doesn't that sound weird? But then after a few weeks I was allowed to have soft foods and the desire to chew up some meat was fulfilled! Now I find that I don't even really enjoy food - it is a chore to figure out what I want to eat. I make sure I get my protein drink in each day and a V8 along with the vitamins and calcium citrate; the rest is just filler. Nothing tastes as good as it used to before the surgery. If this keeps up, it will be a breeze to lose more and keep it off for life! Food was my best friend that I turned to whenever I needed to calm myself, soothe my mind, celebrate an occasion, and so on. The surgery has severed this relationship - it's been like losing a friend that I depended on for moral support. But now I realize that food was not my friend – it was a crutch that was bringing me down – not holding me up. I am learning new ways to cope with life – it is wonderful. I think anyone who has struggled with weight should consider this surgery. The recovery is painless and the scars are minimal. I can’t wait to uncover the thin person that is inside this chubby body – what a treat that will be! Good luck to all!!

So, I went for my 6 week follow-up visit on Thursday, and also saw my primary care physician the same day. First, the follow-up. My surgeon was very pleased with my progress. I've mentioned about the scale discrepancies before. The first visit with the doctor, his scale and my home scale showed the identical weights (274), so that's what they had as my starting weight. Every visit since then, their scale has been 5-6 lbs higher than the home scale. So according to them I went up to 280 before the surgery, but they still have 274 listed as my starting weight. This last visit, they had me in a different office than usual, and that scale was 7 lbs higher than the home scale. So according to them, I have lost 36 lbs, even though at home I know it is 43. I'm not going to argue, they are still very happy with 36, and I would be also if I didn't know it was actually 43. Now for the primary MD visit. He was amazed at the difference in how I looked, and my weight loss. My blood pressure was 110/80, and he said that in 2 weeks I can start cutting my BP pills in half and he would evaluate me again in 6 weeks. This is huge for me, getting off the medication was one of the major reasons I did this surgery. Also, big news - on Friday my wife was sleeved! That's why I haven't blogged about this other stuff until today. She is doing pretty good now, her recovery has been much different than mine. She has had a bit of a rougher time than I had, but I know she will get through it.

Day 6 - Monday, April. 22nd. The weight "falling off" has slowed down. I'm seeing my weight fluctuate back and forth about 2 lbs throughout the day. Typical. My lowest weight daily will be early morning before I have any intake. I think the 3 lbs that fell off in 10 hours a couple of days earlier was a fluke (with my scales). Today, that 3 lbs is definitely gone. I awoke groggy from the pain pill I took Sunday night. I felt buzzed most of the day. I hate that feeling. No more pain pills for the sake of sleep. I used my 4-lb hand-held weights for arm and shoulder exercises/ strengthening. Even five minutes of it while sitting on the sofa is better than nothing. I ate SF Butterscotch pudding for breakfast (made with Double-Milk). The Fruit 2-O peach water has become one of my favorite drinks. So is Snapple Peach tea. I need to make a pitcher of decaf tea sweetened with Stevia. The only ready-to-drink tea I have here has caffeine in it. And, I think it is playing a part in my restlessness at night. I don't think I drank enough, so I am going to log the volume now. I haven't been journaling my intake. Bad girl. Adding protein grams in my head really isn't accurate enough. Ethyl thinks so, too. (Ethyl is the name I gave my body, since I am listening to her more than ever. I'm learning she has a lot to say. Don't worry... I won't end up with a split personality from this.) I came up with a great idea last night. I'm looking forward to testing it on the regular diet stage. When I crave a crunchy snack, I'll pour a little Special-K High Protein flakes into a little bowl and eat them. Dry. They taste really good. The protein is needed anyway. And, if I mince them up really good, I'm hoping Ethyl will like them, too! It satisfies the psychological desire to crunch something. Showering and washing/drying/styling my hair exhausted me. I had to rest for an hour to regain my strength. My protein drink helped pick me up again. Mid-afternoon, I decided to push myself to walk. The more I move, the quicker I can flush out the toxins from anesthesia and those pain pills. So, off we went, the dog and me. Two blocks to the local park. Upon arrival, I sat and rested. I was tired! No! Just two blocks? Before surgery, I'd walk to this park and do 5-8 laps on the jogging path (power walking - not jogging). I hadn't even started the first lap and I had to rest? Okay. Ten minutes later, we were walking the lap. (One lap = 3/8 of a mile.). I had to sit and rest halfway through the lap. Ten minutes later, we resumed. And, this was no power walk. It was a nice leisurely stroll. I'm pacing myself. When the 1st (and last) lap was completed, I had to sit and rest again for 10 minutes. Trying to get enough strength to walk the 2 blocks home... Tempted to call my husband and ask him to come get me. No shame in that. I still made progress! But, I'm determined to finish what I started. So, I finally returned home. An hour had passed and I had walked less than a mile. Ha ha ha! That's ok! This is Baby Steps. I don't expect Ethyl to be able to break my walking record before April 17th. This is a new life. New beginnings. I'm doing just fine. Still no nap. I should be taking advantage of this time and sleeping more. After two months camped out with my sister in ICU (Jan-Mar), I am still sleep deprived. Hard to turn off my thoughts. I'll work on a good nap tomorrow. This forum has been so helpful and filled with great advice and tips. Someone told me the burnin' in my sternum was probably tomato soup. Of course! I hadn't considered that! Thank you for the good advice! And, I find I can share my story of my battle with my insurance company to help others, too. That makes me feel good to know I can give back. So, I changed my Display Name here from PBCNasher to SqueakyWheel&Ethyl. We are one and the same, you know.

Had to share Pretty damn proud of myself!! Left to right (Jan 2103- pre op, 3/30/13, 4/22/13)

Day 5 - Sunday, April 21st. I didn't sleep peacefully. Lately, I've been sleeping propped up on several pillows and it still feels foreign. I can't shake this headache. I think it's caffeine-withdrawal, but it could be aggravated by the residual general anesthesia administered during surgery. I have a history of not tolerating anesthesia well over weeks and even months after it was administered. My liver doesn't process toxins as well as the average person. It just takes longer to dissipate. I think I did too much Saturday. I felt like a rock star and wanted to do a lot. Going shopping was probably premature. I woke up Sunday feeling like I was hit by a bus.... Figuratively speaking, only. So, Sunday was much quieter. I SHOULD have napped, but, my mind was constantly going. I take care of my younger sister with severe CP, normally. She lives with me. We finished a 64 day hospitalization just a month before my surgery. I say "we" because I stayed with her. Pneumonia and a host of other life-threatening illnesses almost took her from me, but she recovered. She got her first tracheotomy and came home with a ventilator (life support). I have aides lined up to take care of her during the day and evening for two weeks while I recover from my VS. my husband does night duty. But, yesterday, there was a few hours that my sis and I only had each other to care for us. Not much needed to be done, but I needed to stay awake for her sake, so I never rested like I should have. Also, I think I hurt myself. I shredded up 1/2 of a slice of (2% milk) cheese and put it in a mug with my hot tomato soup. I'm suspicious that's why I have this continual burning sensation in my sternum even today. I'm doing mostly clear fluids today. I'll do my best to get my protein in, but I'm going to be conservative about everything today. My surgeon changed me from Nexium to Pepcid. I'm not sure that was best for me. Sunday night, I couldn't relax enough to get comfortable and fall asleep. I finally took an Ultram about midnight, hoping it would help me rest. It did. But today, Monday, I feel very drugged and sluggish. I think I'll put the pain pills away and just ask my husband to massage me till I fall asleep if I have another night like that. The physical pain is almost completely gone. Just a few tender places on my tummy. I'm looking forward to getting back to work, but I need to get that pain pill out of my system first. I can't think clearly today. I never like feeling drugged or drunk. This, too, shall pass. Am I sorry I had the surgery? Not at all! These quirks are to be expected and will pass. I'm really looking forward to how much better I will feel by my 52nd birthday in August. I consider April 17th my other birthday and will celebrate it every year.

Met this guy online and we finally decided to go out the weekend before last. I told him about my surgery up front, so that he can understand what's going on with me. We met for coffee, but ended up going out to eat. He first said that we should go to the Mexican place next door, but then changed his mind and said there was a healthier place we can go eat at. I told him he didn't have to decide on a place that's healthier just because of me. Honestly, I really wanted Mexican food badly. LOL We ended up going to this pita sandwich place. It wasn't bad at all. The sandwich I got was under 300 calories. I opted to get the grilled chicken breast to make sure I got a good amount of protein out of it. I was only able to eat half of the sandwich. This sleeve is really hard to get used to, mentally that is. This last weekend, he took me out for breakfast. I had a spinich and cheese omelet. I declinced the toast, but went ahead and let them give me the hashbrowns, but didn't eat them. I ate only half the omelet. Gave me bad stomach pains. I'm thinking I must not have chewed it well enough. The restaurant is owened by this older couple and the lady asked me if I wanted a to go box, but gave me a horrible look when she asked. I so wanted to tell her that the food was really good, I just couldn't eat very much, but I don't think she would have understood. After breakfast, we went to a park and walked around. It was nice to be around someone who is so understanding and suggests that we do things that he knows is not only healthy for me, but also for himself. I really wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again, but that was mostly because I wasn't sure if men would understand my situation. I am glad that I did find someone who is being supportive and understanding. Can't wait to see where the next date goes....

hi friends, I have been on my liver shrinking diet since last tuesday, I started off trying the milk n yoghurt diet but after running to the loo at tea time decided to do the food diet like last time, I have lost 10lb in 5 days, I will get weighed tomorrow and it could be more, I had put 6lb on since christmas, so am pleased to have got that off and a good start to being near to my 19 stone goal for the day of my op. I am finding the diet much easier this time and i think this is because i am having 2 eggs srambled on one slice of dry brown toast for the first meal of the day. I have a salad for lunch, 1 soya yoghurt and 1 apple at teatime and veg n lean meat cooked in my slow cooker for evening meal, i have being having 800 cals, 1 day i had 995, and lots of nas squash, tea with soya milk allowance. I am having mixed emotions this time, last time i was excited all the time, but as it was cancelled and 7 months later back on, until i wake up and they tell me it is done, I won't let myself be too excited. I know God is with me and my trust is in him, really hope i continue to be so positive and have no fear on the day, ive worked hard and waited 2 years 7 months for this, many friends are praying for me, thanks be to God, will write again before my op, x I know this is what i want and God is with me, its the natural feelings i have to ignore, and i will be so happy when i wake up to find its done. How i feel at the moment I would have it tomorrow.