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Many of you know my story, banded February 2012, reached my goal weight in December 2012 and have been trying to maintain that weight since. Many of you say I’m a success and look to me for advice & guidance. My biggest fear with this journey has been gaining my weight back once I reached my goal. I never feared the surgery or the weight loss; I knew I could do it. But, could I handle maintaining this weight for the rest of my life? Tonight, I failed. I failed myself, I failed my band and I failed my family. I am so disgusted with myself that I want to hide in a corner so no one will know….. But, I must face it and confess. I had purchased a box of chocolate drumstick ice cream cones for my step daughter this weekend. She ate 1; tonight I ate the other 9. YES 9! At 170 calories that is 1, 530 calories in less than 1 hour. One right after the other, big bites shoving them down as fast as I wanted. The band didn’t stop me, in fact it didn't make a sound, let me gobble away a lot of hard work. I write this confession with tears running down my face. I feel like a complete and utter failure. I knew I would f** it up and I did. I can’t even tell you why I ate them. My evening routine was no different than any other night, wasn’t bored or depressed or stressed. I saw the box, opened one knowing darn well I shouldn’t and then the only thing that stopped me was getting to the bottom of the box. I honestly wished to get sick so I would stop. It was complete sabotage. I was trying to failure. I have to face this and stop it. I do not want to gain weight, I do not want to binge eat like this and have this sick feeling. I had to make myself write this blog, I had to face up to it. This is the only way to grow and learn. I am only human doing the best I can. I will put this behind me and move on.

The Beginning Growing up I use to tell everyone I was born fat so I am going to die fat! My story starts on July 28th 1983 my wonderful mother gave birth to a beautiful 10 pound baby girl…. Me! My parents told me I was the biggest baby in the hospital and I was proud of that. Who ever thought that this was the beginning of my obesity life. I am not going to sit here and writing about how I was teased when I was growing up and how I eat everything is sight because I will be lying to you guys and I am many things but I lair I am not. I was never tease about my weight growing up. So what cause me to become plus size diva? One word boredom. I was never athletic in school but I was involved in a lot of different activities like girls scouts, drama clubs and etc. Majority of the time all I did was eating junk food and when I was at home I was eating junk food either because I was bored. Fast forward to my high school life preferably my Senior year. Me and my best friend (Note: Just in case you are wondering we are still best friends!) were going to join the Air Force together but I had to lose 40 pounds in order to join. Guess what? I did as a matter of fact and I lost about 60 pounds. Impressive Right? Too bad I inherited my dad’s feet and could not join because I have no arch in my feet. True Story! I was devastated but life goes on and so did my weight. Life in my 20’s the yo-yo dieting years! Who wants to play I’ve been on that diet game? Since I couldn’t join the armed forces I decided to work for the government and started going to college. I always struggle with my weight and I spent most of my twenties trying out different diets. I gain back 50 pounds that I lost before with a new set of boobs. No I didn’t get a boob job I think 20% of my weight gain went to my boobs. For the longest time I have maintained my weight from 225 to 235. Then all of a sudden I was either losing a friend and a relative every year. I took my frustrations out by eating food. I am an emotional eater and I can admit that. My last diet that I was on was Weight Watchers I actually did pretty well on it until I hit a plateau then I never got back on track. I learned how to accept weighing at 250 or 255 and maintaining that. Until August of last year… For the past 4 years I’ve been maintaining my weight 250 to 255 but this time around my Wii fit (my scale) Said 267! I swear I thought my Wii fit was lying. Until I weighted myself on several scales at work and I found out the harsh reality. Why I chose to have the lap band….. A Quarter life mid crisis! After many bottles of beer and soul searching, I told myself “I gave obesity my 20’s I refuse to give obesity my 30’s!” I decided to start working on a better me. I watch a Weight Management seminar online to get a better understanding on my surgical weight lost options. I immediately knew if I was going to pick a WLS it was going to be the Lap band. Why, because I didn’t want my stomach to be cut in half, my inside to be rerouted and etc. Sorry but that does not sound healthy to me. I didn’t wake up and said I was going to get the lap band this was a 7 month process. I wanted to try to lose weight on my own first but at the same time I went to a local support group to help me with my final decision. I am glad I went to a local support group because some of the YouTube videos I found scared the crap out of me. October I made my decision to get the lap band. On February 9th I got my approval letter from my insurance company and 2 months later (April 9th) I got my surgery date May 1st 2013! I am looking for to my healthier lifestyle and a new me! My goal is to be 20 pounds lighter on my 30th birthday! Wish me luck! Thank you for reading

I was banded a little over a year ago, I've lost over 80 pounds and I am at my goal weight. I also drink wine every evening. I don’t hide this from anyone. I have posted such information several times and when I get PM’d about it I answer honestly. I knew when I decided to get the band that I would have to change my life and I was more than willing to do just that. But, I was not willing to give up my wine. I enjoy wine, I like the taste. My husband & I often go wine tasting at some of the Texas wineries. So, I decided that wine was going to be a part of my lifestyle. From day one (& before) I have enjoyed my evening wine. Yes, the evening of my surgery I had a glass. I count the empty calories (110 calories for 5oz of wine, approximately) and I am careful. I know that wine relaxes the band right along with you. So if you drink too much and the munchies set in…..everything will go down & then some. I am responsible with my wine. I don’t drink for the effect of the alcohol. I drink wine because of the taste. You wonder, does my doctor know? Of course he does, I tell my doctor everything. Hiding information from your doctor only hurts you. My thoughts are this, if you have something you love and you can manage it then you should enjoy it. Make it a part of your plan. I have a friend that has a treat once a week of their favorite fast food meal, and another who has a single serving bag of Cheetos every day. Depriving yourself will not work. If you are anything like me, you will get resentful and end up splurging and hating yourself after. Enjoy your love, just manage it and you will succeed.

It's over with and tomorrow is a new day. You are not a failure, you slipped, we all do some times. Thank you for sharing this. It helps me and I am sure others, that no one is ever perfect. I eat more than 1 cup at dinner. Have a better tomorrow. Hugs, Arlene

My sister in crime! lol we won't talk about Love and her wine!

Awwwh AJ... I feel your pain. Today is a new day and I respect you for blogging about it. Look hard for a trigger, tired, bored, lonely. You logged it so now move forward. One slipo does not a future make! Love you! <Hugs>

Met this guy online and we finally decided to go out the weekend before last. I told him about my surgery up front, so that he can understand what's going on with me. We met for coffee, but ended up going out to eat. He first said that we should go to the Mexican place next door, but then changed his mind and said there was a healthier place we can go eat at. I told him he didn't have to decide on a place that's healthier just because of me. Honestly, I really wanted Mexican food badly. LOL We ended up going to this pita sandwich place. It wasn't bad at all. The sandwich I got was under 300 calories. I opted to get the grilled chicken breast to make sure I got a good amount of protein out of it. I was only able to eat half of the sandwich. This sleeve is really hard to get used to, mentally that is. This last weekend, he took me out for breakfast. I had a spinich and cheese omelet. I declinced the toast, but went ahead and let them give me the hashbrowns, but didn't eat them. I ate only half the omelet. Gave me bad stomach pains. I'm thinking I must not have chewed it well enough. The restaurant is owened by this older couple and the lady asked me if I wanted a to go box, but gave me a horrible look when she asked. I so wanted to tell her that the food was really good, I just couldn't eat very much, but I don't think she would have understood. After breakfast, we went to a park and walked around. It was nice to be around someone who is so understanding and suggests that we do things that he knows is not only healthy for me, but also for himself. I really wasn't sure if I was ready to start dating again, but that was mostly because I wasn't sure if men would understand my situation. I am glad that I did find someone who is being supportive and understanding. Can't wait to see where the next date goes....

So glad, others are experiencing the same as me. At least I am not alone. Tomorrow is my first support group meeting so we will see how it goes. I think I need more than a once a month support group. I drink about 2 shakes a day, maybe 48 ounces of water and kind of munch on things here and there. I am pretty sure I am eating things I am not supposed to but at the same time, things that are not horrible either. All I know is that I ate a hell of alot more before the surgery and always maintained the same weight, way too heavy but always the same number. Now, I eat a fraction of what I had before and can't seem to shed anything so something ain't right here. I usually eat a big tablespoon of cottage cheese in the morning with reduced sugar jelly and maybe some scrambles egg. I feel like I can eat alot more than I should be able to??? Thanks to both of you that responded. it really helps. Please stay in contact with me

I have read all these chats and You all have given me some good ideas. I am 4 weeks post op as of tomorrow and haven't lost a pound since i finished my two weeks of shakes post op. To be honest with you, I am extremely frustrarted and really don't know what to do. I am not sure what to eat and when. At this point I have lost 31 pounds and am extremely stuck! I really want to maximize my weight loss at this time but Have really no support medically and am completely lost. Help please if you have any advice. Thanks