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Today was a decent day. I had a very good cheer practice today, and one of my coaches pointed out my weight loss. She is also trying to lose weight but she is not nearly as big as me. She goes "Jess if you get skinner than me fast I'm going to be so mad! You look great!" It made me feel good because not a lot of people have noticed my loss. I stepped on the scale this morning to see that i lost another couple pounds, which was very exciting. I am still struggling to see the loss, I look hard, but I don't notice it or feel it much. I don't see how I don't see it though because today I wore a cheer shirt that is a size large! That's big for me. It's not as big as the shirts I usually wear to practice but it definetly was not tight. It feels good to be able to fit into things that you've been waiting to fit in. I don't see any change in my normal clothes but I have been in my cheer clothes. I used to wear 2XL shirts to practice and now I feel as if I've been swimming in them. I started to whip out the XL and they're comfortable, and now I suppose I'm working on the larges, that's still a work in progress, but I'm getting there. I have faith.

Thought I would share some pics of right after surgery and today.

I have been out all day and saw much earlier or yesterday a question about hair loss. At my monthly support group tonight was the rep from Bariatric Advantage. Her name is, Pat, I think. Pat had bypass surgery 10 years ago. She still looks great. About 4 years ago she started to lose her hair. She had a blood test and her Ferritin showed up very low, around 2 and she said it should be around 40ish. She had to have some medical things done to her but her hair is very healthy now. So she said if you have hair loss get tested for this Ferritin. She also said you have to keep up with your annual blood work because people that have WLS do lose some vitamins and minerals and don't know it. Have a great evening everyone. Arlene

Well today is a lovely day. My jeans...the ones I have been wearing for a few years...at least the size of jeans anyway (they never last that long because my thighs rub holes in them!!!)...have been getting really loose on me. I have one pair I can wear for about an hour before they just fall off. Which is really fantastic. So this morning I reach into my closet and pull out this pair from Maurice's that my mom bought me awhile back. And I took a DEEP breath. Then slowly, one foot then leg at a time, I pulled them on. They went up my legs(and didnt get stuck BEFORE my hips), then they went OVER my hips, then glory be...THEY BUTTONED!!!! I couldnt believe it. AND not only did they button, they were not tight ANYWHERE!!! I could grab excess fabric in my butt area and my thighs!!! These jeans were a pair I couldnt even get over my hips a few months ago. A full size smaller than the ones I had been wearing. And Maurices at that!! I think they run small!! (ok my experience, but that is what I am sticking to telling myself). What a great NSV!!!!! (because I needed it...no weight loss this week), but I will take the full size smaller, and I WILL ROCK IT!!!!

I had my 3rd nutrition appointment yesterday and I am scared! I KNOW that the benefits outweigh the stuff I’m going to have to give up, I just need to get these thoughts on to paper…maybe that will help. I’m feeling guilty that I’m even having these thoughts because I want this surgery so badly. I worry that if I’m having these thoughts am I going to fail, or is this what everyone else thinks prior to surgery and this is normal??? Here is what worries me. One of the things she said was after surgery, don’t drink water (or any other beverage) 30 minutes before, don’t drink during and don’t drink an hour after a meal. When I asked why she said that water speeds up the digestion process and will cause your teeny stomach to digest even faster, which will make you hungry earlier. Makes sense, but I don’t like it! I ALWAYS drink water with my meals, always. I know that in the grand-scheme of things not drinking water at a meal isn’t a big deal…for a few meals, but for the rest of my life??? next is eating meat. She said that after surgery a lot of people can’t really digest meat any longer. She also said that meat isn’t really all that great for you (I’ve heard this before) so that it’s really not a big deal. Well I know health-wise it’s not a big deal, but after having such a love-affair with food for so long, I worry that I will be sad when I can’t order a nice, juicy steak. It’s easy to say something isn’t a ‘big deal’ when you’re not an addict. I’m a food addict. Everything when it comes to food is a ‘big deal’. Portion sizes. She said that your portion size goes down to like the size of the palm of your hand. Holy cow. I don’t eat to be “full” I eat, and eat and eat because I like the flavor of food…to only be able to eat that small of a portion….will I regret having this surgery and will that in turn make me miserable? I WANT to give up needing the comfort of food. I WANT to not overeat any time I sit down to a meal. I want to have something stronger than ME controlling what I put in to my mouth because I just can’t control what I eat at times. I’ve tried so hard and after a few weeks of great will power I succumb and let weeks of good choices go down the drain in a few meals. I know that on the outside looking in these are all really stupid reasons to be concerned. I know that when I read them tomorrow I will look at them and wonder what I was thinking. But right now, today, right in this moment I wonder if the fact that I’m having these thoughts means that I am not in the right place, mentally to have the surgery. Ugh, this sucks! I guess yesterday in talking about everything it just hit me hard that once I have this there’s no going back. Don’t get me wrong - - once I leave this fat, unhealthy body I don’t WANT to go back to where I am right now…it’s just so final and official. I HATE FOOD AND THE CONTROL IT HAS OVER ME!!! I hate the fact that I am doing things to my body that I know if it continues will kill me, yet I am questioning letting it go...I hate this. I think for the first time in my life I am feeling what a drug-user feels! The 'knowing' that you need to give something up, yet the longing for the relationship and comfort that it gives. Not cool, not wanted and not welcome in my brain!

Today is my pre op appointment with the anestisiologist and my Doctor, Dr. Lolar. Im reading all the different forums and blogs and im getting so excited for the surgery on the 22 I have been waiting my WHOLE life for an opportunity like this finally!! Here we go!! The possibilities are endless!!!

Well, I got on the scale this morning, down 29# from 2/28 when I was sleeved. Feeling MUCH better about myself, I know I've posted a lot lately- just can't SEE it in myself yet. I bought a new shirt- in a large, expecting to put it away for the summer when I drop another 15# or so...got it home and felt brave enough to try it on and see how far I was from really being able to wear it....IT FITS!!!!!! I took a pic to send to my hubby, and when I looked at the screen I SAW IT!! I can FINALLY see the change in myself I think people are right- we see ourselves everyday, we most likely have a negative view of ourselves in our head that seems hard to shake....it takes a good 30# to see a change. I still have trouble seeing it when I look in the mirror, but I finally saw the new me coming out in that picture today...so I had to share it. I'm loving my new lease on life, I am so greatful that I was provided with this chance to get my life back on track before it was too late. I'm feeling very very blessed today (and kinda hot too!! ) I love this new me, and I'm excited to see what the rest of this journey has in store for me.