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Procrastination is the fear of success. People procrastinate because they are afraid of the success that they know will result if they move ahead now. Because success is heavy, carries a responsibility with it, it is much easier to procrastinate and live on the 'someday I'll' philosophy.” Denis Waitley I've often asked myself "What is it you're afraid of?" This is a scary question, because once asked, there is an implied responsibility to change something in our lives. Identifying what scares us can be difficult. One tool my counselor gave me was that after every response, I was to ask myself "Why" until I got to the point I had identified the root cause. In business we called this "drilling down" and it can truly be gut wrenching and painful. An example of a root cause analysis might go like this: *Why can't I lose weight? I eat more calories than I expend. Why? I'm always hungry. Why? I don't even think about how I feel. Why? I feel uncomfortable and want to eat when I think about how I feel. Why? I don't know how to change. Why? I haven't learned how to change the way I eat. Why? I'm afraid I will fail. Root cause: fear of learning how to eat properly and take personal responsibility for success or failure. This "personal responsibilty" issue is a big one. Many of us have been victims of abuse, neglect, crimes, etc. When we continue to live in the "victim suit", we give our abuser our power. We do this because we haven't faced the reality that someone we trusted and loved hurt us. Facing that reality can be more painful than living as a victim, or so we think. When we face the facts and hold our abuser responsible, there is a big shift in power and responsibility. We take ownership of our actions, feelings and well being and we give the guilt and responsibility for the abuse back where it belongs, with the person who hurt us. Sitting in a chair and telling a therapist that your mother didn't protect you from a predatory male in your family can be one of the most painful truths to acknowledge. The person who was responsible for nurturing, protecting, putting you ahead of herself, did not. I know, I've done it, it hurt like hell. Once we acknowledge our truth, whatever it is, we take back the power to change our lives. We first work on the thoughts, the negative self-talk. Practice telling yourself that you are worth it, you are powerful, you will change one thing at a time. Maybe, this week, you give up one carb loaded treat you think you enjoy (I say think, because often we don't really enjoy them...it's a habit, not a pleasure). Next is the action step: Just do it! Throw it away if you have it in the house, then buy something healthy to eat as a substitute. Maybe you're the type of person who does it cold turkey...rid the house of ALL processed foods and beverages. Think of the power you take in doing this! Imagine yourself eating healthy nutritious foods and taking control of your own life. Action steps are the key in this process. WE CANNOT CHANGE ANYTHING WITHOUT A VERB. I think I can turns into I will when we add the action step. My band journey, though not as long-lived as I would have liked, has been this type of process. I WANTED to lose weight, but I took no ACTION that would result in me losing weight. When I went on Medicare Disability, the opportunity to make this change became available and I jumped on it. I started calling different hospitals and WLS clinics to see if they accepted Medicare...that was a tough one. Finally, a really kind person at the University Hospital directed me to another local hospital who she knew took medicare for lapband or RNY. When I called to make an appointment, they got me in within a week. I took action. I took the power. I took personal responsibilty for my success. I wouldn't say my weight loss journey was easy...it's had it challenges. My band was the perfect tool for me, keeping me free of hunger for 4-6 hours after a very small meal. Even empty, I'm rarely hungry. Losing my band and not being able to revise is extremely scary...I need to ask myself WHY. Here we go again....

How To explain away my scars? OK, this is awful so don't read if you are easily offended and do not appreciate a sick sense of humor. Warning! Don't read if you are easily offended! Last Warning! Sick Humor below!!!!! Shanked in prison... Shuts them up every time! - VSGKirk Some idiot: What happened? You: I had abdominal surgery. Idiot: What kind? You: The kind that involves the abdominal area. - newat52 Tijuana knife fight. - Kristina J. I had some "woman issues " - chell1978 Texas mosquito bites I was knifed by an exotic dancer in TJ. Full contact scrapbooking injury... When you get the weird look, you can fill in that scrapbooking is getting really intense now that scrappers are trying to make the hobby "athletic enough" for the Olympics. Bears. But never mind my scar, you should check out my awesome new rug! My wife said somtimes I don't know my place. Tell them you are trying to avenge your father and ask if they have six fingers on their right hand. Two words, "Satin sheets" I don't want to go into details, but suffice to say, I won't be allowed in that Benihana for a while. The first rule of Fight Club is 'don't talk about Fight Club' They say you can't get blood from a stone - well, the IRS tried! Remember when your mom told you not to run with scissors? I was watching the DIY network and they did a show on bodylifts... A zombie tried to eat my brains and missed. Tell them as much as you'd love to talk about it you just can't because your defense attorney and parole officer advised you to keep your mouth shut until after the trial. I got this in a bar fight when I used to ride with Hells Angels. That's where the aliens probed me Don't worry about it. Because of me, they now have a to put on warning labels! Well, let me just tell you this: You should NEVER EVER, under ANY circumstances, go out with a guy/girl that you met on the internet. "I was oyster hunting." They give me a blank stare. Then I say, with a wink, "You've obviously never been oyster hunting before." I was at this party with Marilyn Manson and everyone was giving out hugs. I lost a fight with a can of tuna fish. I slipped while making a salad. I fell asleep, and the clown got me. I'll just put it this way: when they tell you not to feed the bears, it's for a damned good reason. I'm a blade sharpness tester "I had an accident with a scalpel." [person asks why] "Well, you know that guy who woke up in an ice bath and his kidney was gone? Er... this had nothing to do with it. Honest." You know how dogs chase their tails? Well it has nothing to do with that. Nor does it have anything to do with cat scratches. Or the faeries that visit me nightly *ramble on*... What was I talking about? I thought those security tags on pants just sprayed ink, but apparently they spray shards of broken glass, too. "Oh, these?" *embarrassed face* "I know they look horrible, but the sex was INCREDIBLE!" "...Are you consipring aginast me? What's with all the questions? Who wants to know the answers?" *and upon interrupting "I'm doing the talking here" and then continue to ramble until they back away. "...They'll come and get you too. Run while you still can" Knifed by an exotic dancer. Terrible. Yes, they're nasty that way. I had unprotected sex with a porcupine. I took my lizards for a walk and they held on for dear life. The neighborhood cat and I had a disagreement about the paw prints on my truck. The police didn't comply with the terrorists' demands fast enough, so they took it out on us hostages. I keep falling off of cliffs trying to catch that damned roadrunner. The voices told me to do it. I did this as a sacramental offering to my dark lord, you prick. ::Smile:: In my past life I was a ninja. It sucks having parents who are sadists. My boyfriend and I accidentally went overboard during our last S & M session. I moon light as a stunt-woman who dives through glass windows. Look at your scars and frown You mean you don’t have any? Well, last time it was an alien baby. I’m actually kind of relieved. I had a narrow escape from a firing squad. Now that is an interesting question; it all ties in with the eternal enigma: why are we here, for what purpose does life on earth exist? go on about the meaning of life until everyone gets bored and goes away Carving a turkey is harder than it looks You want me to show you? smile evily Don’t EVER give blood abroad! Well, I tend to get a little violent with the computer when it doesn’t cooperate. Oh those? Bad juggling accident. I don’t like to talk about it. I’m much better now Oh these? Hmm, I dunno, they’ve just always been there. Well, I mean, ever since I took over this body, anyway. Strange, don’t you think? Ozzy Osborne is my uncle and we have some kick butt family reunions! Those psychology experiments are soooo not worth the extra credit… Oh my god! Never, EVER try taking candy from a baby! A reminder of my Pirating days.... My trained attack dragon did before I got him trained... I had a duel. Did you know chickens aren't all soft and fluffy? Playing Slug Bug with a cat is a reaaally bad idea. Oh this? *point at scar* That's where my twin used to be attached. Lightsaber battle I kicked Chuck Norris' ass all I got was this lousy scar! Tell them you had to help Jack Bauer escape from the Russians and that's the last time you'll cover his pansy ass. Narrowly escaped a zombie attack Fell on the runway-it's Fashion Week Rachel Ray's dog attacked me. I just tell people it's a "sex wound." My husband is ... just ... a WILD MAN, what can I say? That's all folks! Really, that's all there is. No hablo the english? There isn't anymore. Stop scrolling! Ok, okay, one last one. It's where the alien burst out. What, you think they only come out of chests? Satisfied!??????????

Well today is a lovely day. My jeans...the ones I have been wearing for a few years...at least the size of jeans anyway (they never last that long because my thighs rub holes in them!!!)...have been getting really loose on me. I have one pair I can wear for about an hour before they just fall off. Which is really fantastic. So this morning I reach into my closet and pull out this pair from Maurice's that my mom bought me awhile back. And I took a DEEP breath. Then slowly, one foot then leg at a time, I pulled them on. They went up my legs(and didnt get stuck BEFORE my hips), then they went OVER my hips, then glory be...THEY BUTTONED!!!! I couldnt believe it. AND not only did they button, they were not tight ANYWHERE!!! I could grab excess fabric in my butt area and my thighs!!! These jeans were a pair I couldnt even get over my hips a few months ago. A full size smaller than the ones I had been wearing. And Maurices at that!! I think they run small!! (ok my experience, but that is what I am sticking to telling myself). What a great NSV!!!!! (because I needed it...no weight loss this week), but I will take the full size smaller, and I WILL ROCK IT!!!!

If you are easily offended stop reading now- here come some tough love! I am a human, a woman, a wife, a mom to 4 wonderful fur babies, a daughter, sister, friend, emplyee, co-worker and many many more things. I have a big life, but that doesn't mean I need to be big. I am the first person to tell you I am NOT perfect, I have my vices, and life gets the best of me at times. I use to think I was active - I was kidding myself. I came home from work and stayed there- not moving any more than I had to. I was lazy, I am still lazy, but I move now in spite of it. If you are like me then I am sorry you gotta get your fat tusey up and move. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the same result. Soooo, if you want to and expect to loose weight, guess what you have got to CHANGE!!!! If you sit on your big butt and do nothing you will NOT loose weight!! If you continue to eat unhealthy things and large portions you WILL NOT loose weight!!!! Sorry, but it is the truth!!! I am speaking to myself as much as I am others. I push myself to get up and do things. For instance, yesterday I working in my yard for a bit - planted a few flowers after work. Then made a healthy dinner (tacos - mine with out the shell). After dinner I went to a friends house and treated their yard for fire ants (they are blind and can't see the little buggers). I came home played with the dogs, got a shower, got stuff ready for today, cleaned the kitchen. You know what after all that I felt good and then slept good. You have to push yourself sometimes to move. If you don't want to exercise find something you do enjoy that gets you moving and DO IT!!! I love gardening. Even though I live in the city, I put in a 20 x 3 row garden in my yard and am planing some yummy veggies (cumcumbers, peppers, tomatos, squash). I plant flowers in my front yard and am working on relandscaping that. I love working with my hands so I am finding ways to do that but that make my body active while doing it. I love walking the dogs so I do that instead of WALKING to exercise. It's all in how you define it. As far as eating goes, we all got fat by eating things we don't need and to much at a time. To start with I thought if I just cut portions I would be fine - WRONG. I have since learned a lot of things I ate were not as healthy as I once believed. I read labels now. Do I do with out things - some, but not many- Am I unhappy about that - NO. For instance I LOVE alfredo yum oh. Alfredo sauce at a resturant and store bought is really not good for you- full of fat and calories. Sooo, I experimented and created my own healthy alfredo sauce that the hubs and I actually like better. I've also experimented with other recipes and veggies to make them healthier. How do you do this - read a labels, experiment. I enjoy cooking so I get up and move around my kitchen and experiment. I have lots of friends and family who don't mind being gunie pigs. I cook and dance around my kitchen to some good 'ole country- guess what I am burning calories while doing this . Yeah, I have only lost 55 lbs in 9.5 months- but hey I have lost half of my excess body weight. I am in a size 14- so that says something. Plus I am learning more everyday about what leading a healthy life style means and making small changes all a long. While it is FRUSTRATING, SUCKY, CRAPPY, to loose slowing after having surgery, I am loosing. Plus, like others have said this is not a race- this is a life long journey. I will get to a healthy weight it won't be tomorrow, but I just as well enjoy the journey and learn as much as I can so when I get there I can stay there!! Sooooo, CHANGE already you are worth it. If you are a person who can't make a lot of changes at once, make little ones along the way- they will add up.

They say the journey of a thousand miles begins with 1 step. What they don't tell you is that the journey is a b*tch if you're on step 1! 1/14/2015 Well it's been a few months since I last walked. November to be exact. With the cold weather and injuries and sinus drainage, I was pretty much out of commission. We were at it hard during September and October, hitting new highs on speed, sometimes going as fast as 3.9 mph for 3 miles. But November, my partner hurt his ankle and was out for 3 weeks, then I got terrible sinus headaches from breathing the smoke from neighbors burning piles of leaves and then the cold rain set in. So here it is, the middle of January and we haven't walked a mile per day. Fortunately, I've actually lost weight in that time and kept it off. My new job keeps me moving quite a bit. 8/26/2014 Wish there was more the report, but it's still HOT in Texas. Most days the temp is around 91 with a heat index of 101 when I walk. I've had to start wearing a water soaked towel around my neck and a hat while I walk to complete 3 miles. I've come close to heat exhaustion a few times and had to head over to the water faucet and soak my head till the dizziness clears. I thought I'd have built up a tolerance to the heat by now, but doesn't seem like that is going to happen. Good news is, the worst of the heat is over, once we hit September temps will slooooooowly creep down to the low 90's every evening. And by October, we'll be back in the 80's. I can't wait to see how fast I can do 4 miles when the temps are down in the 80's. Hopefully, I'll break the 15 minute mile. :-) 7/30/2014 I know I keep saying this, but OMG!!! IT'S HOT IN TEXAS! The good news is that today was a cloudy day and I managed 4.25 miles @ 3.6 mph. I should be up and above 4 mph by the time cool weather rolls in during October. The heat is still in the 94 - 95 degree range with a heat index of 101 - 104. And as Madge said on the Palmolive dish-washing detergent, "You're soaking in it." :-P I'm still walking 5 days a week and hugging every inch of shade I can find! But I had to cut back to 3 miles, down from 4. I was just getting too dizzy and sick - even with using a water soaked towel to keep cool and carrying a water bottle. Monday, I had to stop at 2.5 miles and go soak my head under a water faucet. I hit a point and knew I had better get cooled off or something bad was about to happen. 7/24/2014 OMG!!! IT'S HOT IN TEXAS! For the past week it's been between 91 and 94 degrees with a heat index of 101 - 104... during the evenings... when I'm walking! I've had to begin carrying a wet towel and carry a water bottle to prevent dehydration and heat exhaustion. But aside from that, I've managed to walk between 3 and 4 miles in about an hour, averaging 3.5 - 3.7 mph. And haven't missed a day this week. But you gotta believe it when I say I was looking for ANY excuse to skip walking after work. But alas, the weather has been clear during the evenings and all the rain has managed to miss my exercise hour. I wonder how much it would cost me to have a crop duster fly up and seed some clouds just around the time I supposed to start walking???? 7/04/2014 Another 3 miles (including 1 mile in total of jogging in short stretches) in the record book. It still amazes me when I think back to just 18 months ago when I would go to bed wondering how much it would hurt to walk from the car to my desk at work. The Texas heat is a monster and I was really dreading walking (I mean baking) in 94 degree heat with a heat index of 101. That was yesterday! But I got rained out at the last minute. :-) ****Does happy dance**** I know, I know, I should be like those workout gurus and tell you how much I missed not going out there and sweating my ass off. But I gotta be honest and say I will take any "HONEST" excuse to duck out on walking in this heat. When I say "HONEST EXCUSE" I mean just that.... a real, "believable", reason (rain, when my car had a flat 2 weeks ago, or I feel like I've been pushing myself to the point of injury or sickness). Skipping a walk just because I don't feel like it is not enough. So this morning the I had planned to walk with a friend at Claiborne Park just north of Vidor, TX. We normally do 3.25 miles and I've been increasing the distance I've been jogging. But the radar shows rain headed right for us in the next hour or so. So we cancelled it. Instead I ran around my neighborhood. One lap around my block is approx. 1/2 mile. 2 long sides and 2 short sides. In 70 degree weather, I managed to run 12 of the short sides for a total of 1 miles....And the amazing part was I could have done more! So we'll see how much more tomorrow when I'm back out at Claiborne. 6/29/2014 Can't believe how well my attempts to jog are working out. Averaged 3.5 mph for 3.25 miles today. I walk a figure 8 style track and managed to jog the 4 straightaways all three laps. My next goal is to jog 1 mile non-stop. Shooting to reach that goal by the end of July. If the heat gets to be too much for me, my fall back plan is to go back to wearing the 30 lb weight vest and speed walk the trails. 6/19/2014 Another 3.25 miles down. Speed is still slow at 3.1 mph. Temp 91 degrees. Managed to make the whole circuit on 13 swallows of water. It's a pain to have to carry a water bottle on the trail, but it beats getting heat stroke! It's been tough getting used to the Texas heat. The heat's really been kicked up a notch since the end of May. I thought it was bad when the temps were in the high 80's. Oh how I long for those days. My walking partner calls me the shade hunter. He's much more tolerant of the heat. He can walk in full sun for the whole 3.25 miles, while I zigzag on the trail - going from one patch of shade to the next. I think I may actually be walking farther than him, but he carries the GPS, so I have to go by his distance and time. Doesn't matter to me though, just completing the whole trail every day is a win. 06/18/2014 Man is it hot! The Texas Summer heat is just getting its stride and things are baking in the park. I'm up to 3.25 miles each day/ 3.1 mph while wearing a 30 lb vest. Fastest speed without the vest was 3.6 mph for 3.25 miles. Thinking it might be time to try the couch to 5k plan. Not really sure all this effort is worth the results. It's a vicious cycle - the more I get in shape the farther/faster I have to walk to burn the same amount of calories. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 10/02/2013 Hit a new personal best time at the park. 3.2 miles an hour, did 3 point something miles in about 53 minutes or something close to that, I've forgotten the exact time. :-) But at least I'm getting better, both in distance and being able to recover enough to walk at the same intensity day after day. It seems like only yesterday (actually it was Jan 2nd) that I started my walking program by taking the long way around the office to the bathroom. :-P Just goes to show that taking small steps can add up to bigger things later on. 7/11/2013 Well, I lost Gilligan, my pedometer. I named him Gilligan cause he was my "little buddy". Not sure where he ran off to. I left the house with him on my hip and at the end of the day, he was gone. So now I have Gilligan the 2nd or Gilligan the Next Generation, depending on your point of view. Gilligan II is a little smarter, so hopefully he won't get lost. He keeps track not only of my steps and mileage, but takes into account my weight, lists calories burned, total steps, aerobic steps (meaning any walking continuously for 10 minutes or more) and tells me how long I've been aerobically walking . And he remembers everything from the past 6 days. The good news is that I've graduated to a 2 mile trail in a local park. It has lots of ups and downs - and the occasional rabbit/armadillo/snake/Pimp butterfly on the trail to keep things entertaining. And I'm able to make the walk 6 to 7 days a week. My 1st goal was to be able to complete the 2 miles every day 6 to 7 days a week. I have reached that goal as of July. The next goal is to start increasing my speed. See if I can break the 45 minute mark for completing the trail. Current best speed is 46 minutes. 5/17/2013 Finally! Made over 10k steps a day for 6 days in a row. My original goal was to do it for 5 days in a row. Plus as an added NSV, I have graduated from walking on flat, level surfaces to walking in a parking garage. I do the 1st 5k steps in the morning on level ground, but at lunch, I step it up (no pun intended) by going out to a 3 story parking garage. Having to walk up those inclines between floors add a whole new level to the phrase "pain in the butt!" :-P I was walking next to a coworker yesterday and she said, "I smell smoke." I said, "That's me. I'm not just hot, I'm SMOKIN!" For those out there that have feet and knee pain like me, it pays to move, no matter how little. That's how I started out 5 months ago. I could barely walk from the parking lot to the store without limping and being in a lot of pain. But I always parked at the far end of the lot and minced my way into the store. And I set a goal to walk the inside perimeter of my office every time I went to the bathroom or had to leave my desk. That was 4 to 10 laps a day. When we move to a bigger office in Feb. I set a goal to make 4 laps a day around the office (approximately 1200 steps plus the 500 steps from the parking lot to my desk got me up to about 1700 steps a day). When I got to the point where I could tolerate the 4 laps with no lasting pain, I added 4 laps at lunch. Then 5 in the morning and 5 at lunch till I could do 10 each time. That took several months to accomplish and I usually only could do that at most 3 days a week and be in pain for the other 2 days. Now 10 laps twice a day is too easy, so I changed to going into the parking garage at lunch. The inclined ramps are easy on my ankles and ups my aerobic activity. Plus it gets me out in the sun - gotta have my Vitamin D! That's how I did it. Little changes add up. Now I've got 2 ladies a work who SAY they want to start walking with me - but so far it's only been talk. :-) This is from today, 5/17/2013. It's gonna break my heart to reset it in the morning! 2/19/2013 Just checked my pedometer when I got home and finally crossed the 10k steps goal or 4.5 miles in 1 day. I usually on get in around 2.5 to 3 miles a day, but today I had a lot of extra walking at work and for the 2nd day this week I've been able to walk additional laps around the building at lunch. Hopefully my feet and hips will allow me to maintain or surpass 10k a day from now on. Update:3/28/2013 Still managing to get closer to my goal of 5 miles/day, 7 days a week. I'm averaging 4.5 miles/day 4 days a week. My hips no longer hurt, just some muscle soreness. And my feet are usually only a little painful after walking but the pain is almost gone the next day. The people at work are starting to take notice of my walking before work and at lunch time. Commenting on my weight loss, that may sound encouraging, but I'd rather stay unnoticed and unremarked on. Noticing my weight loss and exercising will only lead to questions - ones I'd rather not answer. I've had one or two people comment on how much they need to start walking with me, almost daily, but they never seem to find the time to do even one lap around the floor with me. I never made those type of comments when I'd see people working out, cause I knew that I wasn't going to make the effort. So why try to fool them and me? If I did, it would feel like I was apologizing for being fat and feeling guilty for not exercising. I didn't feel like any kind of exercise plan was going to do me any good. I was too far gone. As Ralphie May said, "This is way past a diet coke fix." 3/4/2013 I'm still walking 3 - 4 miles per day, 5 days a week, but getting past 10k steps a day is tough. My feet and hips are pretty sore the day after doing that many steps and it limits me reaching 10k more than 2 or 3 times a week. But I keep working at it. As long as I'm walking every day, I'm getting closer to my goal.

Well, it's official. My surgery is on the 27th. The good news is that my pre-op diet is only for 5 days and it won't be too much of an alteration of my current eating habits. From my research, I already had a good idea of what the pre-op diet was going to be like, just didn't know how long I would be expected to be on it. I had prepared myself mentally for a 2 week liquid diet. So it was really a surprise to hear that it is only 5 days and I can drink as much of the high protein/low carb shakes as I want and eat soups (like chicken noodle) as long as they don't contain high carb vegies like potatoes. I've already figured out a combination of dutch chocolate EAS carb control shakes with 1 scoop of Total Soy (chocolate) that tastes great and has a combined 30 grams of protein and 11 grams of carbs per 20 oz shake. I highly recommend getting a shaker bottle with the little ball spring inside. It really breaks up the Total Soy powder making a smooth creamy shake. I bought a 2 pack at Sam's club for $12, and I saw them at Wal-Mart for $7 each. But with the 2 pack I can keep one at work and one at home. I figure I'm having the same thoughts and feelings as others in the pre-op stage. So I wanted to share a moment I had last week that makes me laugh at myself now. I had a small panic attack until I realized how stupid it was. I actually got worried that post op, I wouldn't be able to eat as much I as I could in the past. Stupid, right? But I guess it plays on my basic fear of change. How am I going to handle being thinner and how people will react and treat me at work and socially. As it is, I have 40 years of knowing how people treat the fat me. Now, I have to worry about how people will treat me as a thin person.

Today is my pre op appointment with the anestisiologist and my Doctor, Dr. Lolar. Im reading all the different forums and blogs and im getting so excited for the surgery on the 22 I have been waiting my WHOLE life for an opportunity like this finally!! Here we go!! The possibilities are endless!!!

So I have to admit, I'm not a fan of calories. Rather, counting calories. I am just no good at it. I cook everything myself, and have NEVER EVER found out how many calories are in what. I eat small amounts, I am not eating crap. And obviously I am not counting calories. Today for supper I made an awesome deer chili. I ate one cup of it. Was so good thought I'd go back for seconds. There I was in the kitchen, spoon in hand, and I thought...What the heck are you doing?? So I put my bowl in the sink and I was done. But how many calories did I eat? I havnt a clue. 3 lbs. of deer meat, tomatoes, tomato sauce, and 2 cans of beans. Made a HUGE pan. But how many calories in just one cup? No idea. See the thing is I dont even remember the nutrition lady telling me how many calories to eat in one day. Yes, I am pathetic....and lazy...about the calories anyway. Every one is talking about 800-1000 cal a day. I think thats what I am doing...but have no idea. I even tried the my fitness pal thing. NO internet service where I live unless I am at home with WIFI. So that does me no good when I'm not at home. I really do eat good. Still just having a protein shake for breakfast...which I know has 160 calories. Having a cup of food for lunch (no calorie counting). Then the same for dinner. Maybe yougurt for a snack. Cannot stand the greek stuff so Yoplait light (90 cal). And usually I eat cottage cheese (80 cal?? per 1/2 cup) with one of my meals for more protein. So I know the store bought calorie content, just not what I cook calorie content. I'm not good at that. HMMMM..add all the ingrediants up, measure the whole pan of food, then divide to get one cup....UGHHHHH!!! So here is what my goal is. This weekend going to Sam's going to get some fish that I can just prepare for myself (individual servings). Then surely I can measure 1/3 cup of veggies or some side dish and finally start counting what I am eating. I know with my 11 year old son, the 22 year old nephew, and the hubby at home, this kind of supper wont do for them, I will continue to cook all the things they like, but for me, I have to change. Gotta do it. Because I am worth it.

So, I went to my third nutritionist appointment yesterday and I am down 8 lbs. I had been stressing out because I lost 5 and then gained 2 back, but nope...I'm down 8! My appointment went really well and she said that she would let me take my gastric bypass 2 class in April instead of May. That means I see her in May and June instead of May, June, July and my paperwork will be sent for approval during the July board meeting. I must say that time is definitely flying and I'm getting excited. I now have to get some blood work done for some type of bacteria to make sure I do not have it, an EKG, and my mental health evaluation. I'm hoping for an August surgery date, fingers crossed! Thanks to all that sent encouragement in my last blog. I got this!

So I've had my band for six weeks now and I'm definately struggling. I go back and forth with feeling incredible and depressed. I'm down 30.5 pounds from my highest weight and thats great but I've only lost a pound in the last three weeks and it's frustrating. For the most part I follow my planned diet, I know "for the most part" doesn't sound very good but I am trying very hard. I'm sixteen so it's frustrating looking the way I do. I've ate very healthy and excersized my whole life, so my normal pediatrician was always shocked as to why I was so heavy, but hey we are who we are. I need my band tightened and my appointment to talk to the nurse-practitioner is this monday so I'm excited, yet very nervous for that. I need a friend to talk to about my struggles with weight and the surgery but nobody knows. I have only told my parents, brother, and grandpa. I don't want people to know because they are so judgemental. It's hard that no one knows about my surgery not only because I need a friend to talk to but also because I go to parties, sleepovers, and other normal fun teenage stuff that causes it to be hard. All my friends eat is mostly junk and sometimes it's hard to find things to eat. (I usually bring some protein shakes though) I want to tell some of my friends, I'm just not ready yet. I don't regret having surgery at all. I love my band and I'm proud of it, it's just hard as I'm sure all of you know, I'm excited for my new healthier life, but I'm also excited to get out of this little funk I've been having.