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It has been 3 weeks and 1 day since my surgery. I measured myself the night before. Boobs, waist, hips, arms, legs all. I cried. It was really so depressing. I knew how much I weighed, but when the tape measure BARELY goes around your midsection, that is a real downer. I weigh myself at my personal doctors office on Thursdays. I could get on the scale at home, I just dont want to be a slave to it, so I dont even start. As of last Thursday, I was down 35. (I know You all know it already haha). So today, my mom comes over, tells me how proud she is of me. She is one of my biggest fans and I love her so much. Well, She asks me if I have measured, well no Mom of course not, remember when I cried the last time?? So she thinks I need to and is excited to see so I give in. HOLY MOLY!! I have lost 2 inches EVERYWHERE!!! I dont know how that translates to poundage, but 2 flipping INCHES!! I just smiled!! NO MORE TEARS FOR THIS GIRL!!!

So here I am. I have decided to take a step towards the final frontier of my personal happiness. My health. I have been through a hell of a ride on my journey to today. I have struggled through a dysfunctional marriage to an abusive alcoholic, stood witness to the attack on New York City first hand, narrowly escaped death from sepsis blood poisoning, fought a ten year fertility battle, and buried a friend/lover taken far too young from brain cancer. Life as a human being is hard enough, no wonder I was unable to keep my weight under control – there was too much else to focus on. Today, I am the proud mother of a beautiful two year old boy, I am fulfilled in my 10+ year career with a fantastic company who value my efforts, I own my own home, have a functional car, and am in a relationship with a man whom I have known almost all my life in some capacity… its new… its fresh, but its good. He is kind, and patient and wonderful with my son. The song Good Mother by Jan Arden goes through my head on a daily basis these days – if you don’t know it, check it out on YouTube. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to truly believe that I am finally happy and at peace. There is only one concern left… and that is my weight and my health. I have tried over the years to lose weight and on a couple of occasions have been somewhat successful, most notably loosing 70ish lbs in 2001 on the Dr. Bernstein Diet. But, being predisposed to easily gain, it keeps coming back. Last year I topped my scales (having left my husband 3x in the same year my child was born) at 296! I knew I had to do something and quick. I started an exercise regiment and eating well, and managed to lose 26 lbs in about 4 months. 270 felt pretty good and I started to gain back some confidence in myself and hope for my future. Then suddenly, my guy (who was not my guy at the time) broke up with his girlfriend and landed on my couch!! We were not an item but decided to try and live as roommates until he either found something more permanent or the arrangement was too awkward. Riiiiiiiight. That clearly didn’t and wasn’t going to work. He came with a WHOLE lot of baggage and there were some serious growing pains – the to point where I threw him out of my house in January. That’s what we needed I guess to determine that our friendship (and the stuff that blossomed along with it) was in fact a love neither of us were looking for. But, all that confusion and activity made me put my weight loss on the back burner, yet again. So here I go again, at the start of this year, new diet, new exercise regiment –this is going to be it! I rejoined Weight Watchers (probably for the 18-20th time) and bought myself a treadmill. Starting the year off at 278 I went gang busters being perfectly well behaved with my eating and working out on my treadmill approx 5 times a week at 40 minutes a pop. I was on the move again and dropped to 265. Then suddenly I started suffering from sciatica. So, thinking that the exercise would sort it out, I pushed harder – increasing my efforts to every day and included some workouts on my vibration platform. By the end of February I could no longer sleep or stand for long periods of time without pain. Turns out I have something called Piriformis Syndrome. Apparently what is happening is a muscle that attaches somewhere in my butt and hip is clenching up when I exercise and pinching my sciatic nerve. Are you KIDDING ME? So through acupuncture, deep massage therapy and chiropractic, they are still trying to make the muscle ease up… and I have not been able to work out. I continued my diet plan for a while but then threw my hands in the air out of frustration and so here I am - and back up to 277.8. So much effort to lose it, so easily regained. What I do I know is that I have the will and determination to make this work… all I need is the rewarding results for my efforts. One thing that my fella said to me shortly after we started to cohabitate was, "I dont understand with all that you do, and how you eat, how you weight more than 98 pounds!" That sort of outside review is the justification I needed! :wub: This is a big step... and a bit scary... but I am worth this effort, and there is simply put, nothing I wouldn't do for my boy. He deserves a healthy mommy who will be with him a long long time. Let’s do this thing. May 10, 2013. Dr. Rodrigues at Star Medica in Juarez. I’m ready.

I've posted a link to my video blog here. It's nothing earth-shattering, but these were really helpful to me as I was learning about the surgery, and I promised I'd keep a record like this for myself and anyone else who is interested. Be well!

Good afternoon. As of today April 9, 2013, I have been cleared for surgery. I'm waiting now for my doctor to call with my surgery date. I have to do 2 weeks of Optifast before my surgery but I'm ready for it. I'll keep you posted on the actual date. Anyone else have band to sleeve revision? I see a lot of virgin sleeves, but I want to know what it's like to have the band removed and sleeved at the same time. DEB

So, I went to my third nutritionist appointment yesterday and I am down 8 lbs. I had been stressing out because I lost 5 and then gained 2 back, but nope...I'm down 8! My appointment went really well and she said that she would let me take my gastric bypass 2 class in April instead of May. That means I see her in May and June instead of May, June, July and my paperwork will be sent for approval during the July board meeting. I must say that time is definitely flying and I'm getting excited. I now have to get some blood work done for some type of bacteria to make sure I do not have it, an EKG, and my mental health evaluation. I'm hoping for an August surgery date, fingers crossed! Thanks to all that sent encouragement in my last blog. I got this!

Just like the temps in NC today my temper is warm. Last week I went on a wonderful 5 day vacation with the hubs. We were in Orlando and took in Disney and SeaWorld. It was great and boy did I move it, move it!! My step counts for the days were redic- 22500 the first day and the following days from 15000 to 20000. I only partook on one alcholic drink. Due to band tightness I wasn't able to eat very much. However, when I did eat it wasn't the healthest due to it being away from home. I tried to make good choices, but you just never know what they put in things. I spluged and had ice cream twice - not huge amounts - one cup. The icecream and one crepe was the ONLY desert like things I had while there. When we returned and I weight on the 6th I was up 4 lbs from the 30th when we left. I thought, okay, salt in take was likely higher than normal, plus I was on my TOM. I figured once my monthly vistor checked out and I got back to flushing my system the weight would drop. Well....... Sunday I was down a half lb, Monday down and half more. I have now been at 192.5 for two days. Before leaving I was 190. I was so looking forward to the 180's. I have been in the 190's since Dec and I am soooo sick of it. Since getting back I have remained moving. I have been trying to keep my steps around 8000-12000 a day. I am drinking my water again my TOM is done. So why are those pesky pounds sticking around. I am frustrated. I have been in the same 10 lb range for 4 months- enough already!!!! Frankly, I am worried because what if my body won't let go of more weight? I am sticking to the plan, moving, talking to my doc and my weight is not going down any more. My doc says I have done great and not to worry so much, I should just stay the course and I will be fine. I so want to hit the 140's, my body just doesn't apparently. Have any of you experience long plateaus or extreme slow down in weight loss? Please your expereices are welcome!!!!!!!!

The first week in April is always cause for celebration as I celebrate my birthday! This year, I celebrate a little lighter than last year. Last year, 300 lbs was the number that I stepped on the scale to find along with turning 40. Wasn't real happy with that but figured, I could lose the weight if I wanted to. As the months went by, I wasn't gaining or losing....at least not pounds. I was losing though. I was losing my sense of self. Last August, while attending a funeral service, I sat down on a folding chair during a very quiet and sober moment, and BLAM!!! The chair collapsed right under me. It scared the whole room who thought there were spirits in the room! No. Just an obese lady who was so embarrassed and crying inside. This all happened in front of my 9 year old son too. To reward my embarrassment, I went to Friendly's after that ceremony and drowned my sorrows in a Reese's Pieces 5 scoop sundae which by the way is over 1,000 calories. I promised myself with the last lick of the spoon that "tomorrow, I will begin to lose weight so this never happens again." I actually went to my doctor to get a Lap band Surgeon’s name in August so I could get some control of my world. With the referral in my hand, I was ready. Now here comes October. How much weight have I lost since that embarrassing day in August you may ask? Zero. Did I go to the doctor with the referral? No. Life is busy. I didn’t have time as the school year began and time went by quickly. While attending a Halloween gathering, I sit down on chair that has arm rests. It is a squeeze but I can do it and I certainly don’t want to sit on the white folding chairs! As I sit there, laughing along to conversations and getting ready to grab a plate to eat, CRACK!!! BANG!!! The right armrest on chair I am sitting in is now on the floor. I am MORTIFIED!!! My son, being 9, states in a matter of fact tone, “Again!? That’s the 2nd chair you broke!” I felt like the world stopped, the pumpkins turned, and the ghosts and goblins turned red with embarrassment for me. I didn’t know what to say, where to go, or how to feel. I left the house as quickly as I could. I walked up the street, out of sight from anyone who could see, and cried so hard and with such heartache in my soul wishing I could just be like a ghost and disappear. My husband found me. Didn’t say a word for a while and tried to coax me back into the house as dinner was being served. Dinner? Really? Food? Never again, I thought! I am not touching it! And I didn’t for the rest of the evening. Despite my stomach growling like crazy, I didn’t touch a thing. I just wanted to go home, but I knew I couldn’t as the Halloween activities were just getting underway. Where was that Ghost costume for me to put on so I could vanish was all I kept thinking. As I returned to the dreadful sight of the broken chair, I was comforted with comments like “they are old chairs” and “that has happened before.” Perhaps, but it happened to me. The 300 lb mom. Not the 140 lb mom over there. Or the toddler who is jumping off of it. Come Christmas time 2012 and now it’s time for the family photos to be sent out to family and friends. Needless to say, I hated all of the pictures I took as my face looked like the Kool-Aid man! BIG! I can only crop a photo so much before I have literally cropped my face in ½! I ended up using a photo that wasn’t flattering at all and just thought, deal with it and mailed out the holiday cards. January 1, 2013, my insurance changes and along with that is coverage for Lap Band surgery. New year! New Opportunities! I got an updated referral, went to the doctor on January 11, and decided this was it! Just get it done and make changes! I did what I had to do with lab work and pre-surgery evaluations. I received a surgery date of March 4, 2013. In February about 2 weeks before surgery, my family and I went on our Family trip to Florida and naturally went to DisneyWorld. As I stood in line for Space Mountain, I had that horrible pit feeling in my stomach as I watched people get into the seats, pull their lap bar towards them, and smile with delight for the ride. Those were the “thin” people. What about me? Am I going to fit? When I sit down, will the lap bar pull towards me? Will the ride controls say to me in front of others, “I am sorry, ma’am, but you can’t ride this attraction.” Will I be able to get out of the seat? Will I get stuck and someone will have to pull me out? Such horrible things think about as you go back and forth through the line waiting your turn. I had one little thought in my head that gave me hope: This will be the LAST time you will ever have to worry about this again as you have surgery in 2 weeks! Still, I was worried about the here and now. I couldn’t imagine embarrassing my son for a 3rd time, nor could I imagine what he would say although he apologized a thousand times over the October candidness. I did fit in the ride at Space Mountain (Thank you Walt Disney!) and went 5 times after that which made me feel “normal.” So March 4, 2013 arrives, surgery is successful, and a month later, I am down 23 pounds. This birthday, there was no chocolate cake or mom’s homemade lasagna or alcoholic drinks to raise my glass to another year. Instead, it was a Tilapia fish dinner and one Milano chocolate cookie. Mom gave me a gift card to buy new clothes as my pants look quite “dumpy” right now. No one except my immediate family knew I had surgery so the three comments this past week from co-workers such as “Are you losing weight?”, “You are looking good”, and “Keep up the good work” couldn’t have been wrapped up into a better birthday box. I have a long way to go. 130 lbs still to be exact but it will happen as this past year was turning point for me. I read recently “Do something your future self with thank you for.” I just know that when my next birthday rolls around in 2014, I will reread this blog and smile knowing that I took care of my future me. No more broken chairs, no more worries of fitting in rides, and no more “I will diet tomorrow.” Today is the day. Every day I am dieting and eating healthier. There are no breaks with a Lap Band. It is a commitment to a better me and I have to make it happen………To Future self: We got this girl! :wub: