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Not the self control needed to keep from eating. Thanks to yesterday's fill, I'm currently honeymooning in the luxury resort of little food = long satiety. Yay me. No, I'm talking about the self control it takes me to remove myself from a conversation with no constructive outcome. The self control it takes not to yell and scream and tear out my hair when someone exhibits just how widespread the stigmatization of the obese in our culture has gone. It's so accepted in our culture to hate obesity and the people who suffer from it,that we have successfully convinced the obese to hate themselves. Personally, I hate being fat. I hate it so much that I underwent weight loss surgery in the hopes of becoming thin. But I spent enough years in therapy in the meantime to understand that the reason we hate obesity is the same reason why racists hate minorities and homophobes hate gays--because we are afraid of them, and afraid of what they tell us about ourselves. We have managed to convince ourselves that people with the disease of obesity (and yes, the National Association of Chronic Disease Doctors classifies it as a disease, as well as many experts in endocrinology and associated sciences) are entirely at fault for their own condition and should view them selves with the same condemnation and disgust and shame that our culture view them. Do people who are overweight generally eat too much? Yes, but science is only beginning to understand that there are biological reasons WHY we eat too much, that there are disorders systems in our bodies (endocrine, neurological, etc) that do not react the same way that those in individuals without the disease react. There is something more wrong with an obese person than that they eat too much and move too little. If eating less and moving more were a real solution, no one would be fat, and WLS would not exist. It makes me so angry and so emotionally hurt when people who struggle with obesity deny the idea that it is a disease, that it is not just a matter of being greedy and lazy and no damn good that makes us weigh too much, because if we agree with the rest of the world that we should hate ourselves, what hope for real happiness will we ever have, no matter how much weight we gain or lose?

I made the choice to do this surgery because I knew in my heart that I could not reach the goals I dreamed of without humbling myself and admitting I needed help. I needed big help. The decission was made apointments set and a surgery date set all with in a month. When you pay cash it can go faster than waiting for insurance. Day of surgery I was not nervouse. Lets go and get er done! After surgery I remember coming out of my being "under" feeling a lot of pain in my stomach. I remember that being the first thing I mumbled. "it hurts" They probably gave me meds because it calmed down. My mouth was like full of cotton. I had no moisture. It was terrible. I could not even have ice chips which i so despretly needed. That night they took me to do a leak check. I had to sip this very bitter tasting liquid and they watched it go down my stomach on an x-ray machine to see if there were any leaks. It was awfull. I wanted to throw it up but I did not. It was nice to have moisture though. Now time for ice chips. That was Heaven sent. It was just hard for the first week. I got up right away to walk like they said. I didnt even need a nurse to help. I left the hospital the next morning by noon. The next week was really hard. Sipping water, Desperate for broth, not hungry but wanted regular food. Not really tired. Hated the protein shots until I discovered to put in a big glass of gaterade and water or crystle light. Then they are easy to take in. I had pain for the first 5 days. I had to take pain meds. Then one day I woke up feeling great. It was hard to sleep on either side. Now that is just fine. Really the first week is ugly and say seven is smooth sailing. Its been worth the work. I am down 14 lbs. The scale has not moved in about 5 days. So far so good. Change is upon me. Jody

well, finally get the go ahead for my op and there are no operations in april, so, i will have my sleeve in may, This is really testing my patience, but totally at peace, i will have my sleeve on the day God provides, my trust is in Him, xx

Ok, so I went to the doctor yesterday for my two week follow up appointment. I have lost a significant amount of weight considering I had dropped below 35 BMI by the time I had my surgery. I am officially down 18.6 lbs at 2 weeks! Excited and I can fit into realy old clothes. Also, this is the first time I have been this weight in 12 years. Absolutely ecstatic about that. Now onto why God really watches over me...so many people said I shouldn't get the surgery, yada yada...but the best thing that could have happened to me happened yesterday. The surgeon sent my stomach off to pathology and they found an indicator of a type of non-Hodgkins lymphoma. This I would never have known had I not gone through this surgery. So that was a Blessing in disguise just as my prior denial from my insurance for lapband was a Blessing also. Anyway, where am I at now. I have entered into the 2nd stage foods for my diet plan. It appears to be a little different and a little more liberal than most. I can pretty much eat alot of different foods now. Obviously with the exception of harsh breads, nuts, etc and of course caffine, sugar, high carbs, etc. At my first meal I measured out 3 oz of food. I was sooo excited to eat and feel normal. Wow, let me tell you I ate 1.25 ounces and I overfilled myself, it was hilarious! I felt like I ate an entire Elephant, but it was such a small amount. It was oddly humerous. What I stepped back and looked at is what others see when I eat and will probably always see. To them, and to my current mind, it wasn't enough, but boy oh boy my tummy let me know. I now at least know my sign of feeling stuffed or full, yep I have the dredded LOUD burp. Hilarious trying to go on dates when I got that going on! Oh well, I digress. Hope everyone here is having a wonderful day!!!

I had some tuna fish last night (chopped in the blender, of course). I had eaten some the night before with no problems, although it did give me a heavy feeling in my chest. Last night, I ate it, and got the heavy feeling in my chest and some bad hiccups/burps. I would get them in the past if I don't drink while eating, so figured it would be a problem after surgery because of not being able to eat and drink at the same time. I'm not sure if I'm just not ready to eat tuna yet, if I ate too much, or ate too fast. The hiccup burps got so bad that I took a couple sips of water hoping to make them go away, even though I knew I wasn't supposed to. It didn't help. A couple minutes later, I started getting a nauseous feeling, mouth started watering, etc, and I knew what was coming. So, I walked to the bathroom and vomited. I felt so much better afterwards. I guess I need to be more careful about what/how much/how fast I eat.

I'm truely all smiles this morning. I went in to have a fill on tuesday and i weighted in at 216. I weighed myself today for the March challenge and i was down to 213. This has made my day. So I started my day off with an egg white veggie omelete. If I had this to do all over again I surely would.

Highest known weight: 205 1/18 DOS 179 Week #1 171 (-8) Week #2 167.4 (-3.6) 11.6 total Week #3 165.8 (-1.6) 13.2 total Week #4 163.8 (-2.0) 15.2 total 1 month 2/18 161.4 17.6 total Week #5 161.4 (-2.4) 17.6 total Week #6 159.6 (-1.8) 19.4 total Week #7 157.4 (-2.2) 21.6 total Week #8 155.2 (-2.2) 23.8 total 2 months 3/18 154.4 (-7lbs from month 1 and -24.6 total) Week #9 152.8 (-2.4) 26.2 total Total weight lost from highest: 52.2 Bmi: 27.9 I am pretty happy with my numbers so far. I don't feel like the "fat girl" so much anymore. I have decided that when I hit 150, I am going to clean out my closet. I tried on some clothes the other day and I am thrilled. As far as shorts go, the 12s are a little big and the 10s are fitting well. I am also able to fit in 1 pair of size 10 jeans, so I'm thrilled about that. I am not going to miss all the 16s and 18s that I have! I also take measurements once a month, and I have lost 5.5" at my waist, 3.5" from my chest, 5.25" from my hips, 4.5" from my abdomen, 2" from my calf, 1" from my arm, and 2.75" from my thigh. I have even lost 1" in my neck. I still feel like my lower stomach is my worst problem area. Also, my legs are still huge. Of course, my boobs are shriking faster than I'd like. :-( I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I can eat pretty much anything without a problem (maybe that isn't such a good thing after all. lol). I feel really good. I just haven't really had any problems. Even my scars are really looking great! I am getting tons of compliments from people saying how good I look, which is so great to hear. As far as future weight loss goes, I am trying to tell myself I will be happy with 5 lbs a month. I am sure it will start to slow down now. I am actually quite surprised that I am still losing over 2lbs a week. I think I'd like to stabalize between 120-125, so that is really only about 33 more pounds to go. I would love to reach that goal at 6 months out, but that may be unrealistic. A normal bmi for me is 136, so I'll be thrilled to get there. I feel pretty confidant that I'll be there by 6 months post op. I am really excited for each phase of this. I am now it the low 150s and I can't wait to hit the 140s. It has been a VERY long time since I have been there and I'm only 3 lbs away!! As far as working out goes, I have been doing okay, but I really need to step it up again. I have kind of slacked over the last few days. I'd really like to get at least 3 really intense workouts in a week. That's all for now.

Okay so I am going to be totally 100% honest here on what lapband has meant to me: 1- A chance to like how my body looks. 2- A chance to shop in the "normal" section. 3- A chance to be healthy as I age. 4- A chance to take my life back. 5- A chance to learn. I know many of these are vain, but it's the truth. I mean be honest here, who doesn't want to look in the mirror and go damn I look good- or at the least look in the mirror and go uh, I look pretty good. For the ladies out there, I am sure you will agree- it's nice to lose weight and see that little glimmer of somethin' somethin' in your significant other's eye. I want to be sexy for my hubs and have him be proud of what I look like on the outside as he is about what is on the inside. And, yes, dang it- it feel darn good to be able to buy clothing the size doesn't have a W attached. I am 32 now and while I was healthy when I had surgery with no health issues and rarely ever needed a doctor- I knew that those days were numbered. I knew it time I would likely end up diabetic like my dad, or with heart issues like my brother and grandfather or any other major health problems. I wanted to insure that as I age I can do it in a healthy manner. As far as taking my life back, I had come to the point where I realized food ruled my life. My co-workers and I would spend an hour in the mornings discussing and deciding on where we would go for lunch. I ate crap and would feel like crap. I would over eat and have horrible indigestion and stomach cramps that would make me feel aweful. I wanted to rule my food, not it ruling me. Leaning- I think I will always be a learner/researcher. I love to read and study- I could be a professional student if I had enough money. I have read a lot of health, food, calories- basically how our bodies work. I like understanding things better. Now I know if I would have know some of this earlier, boy it would have made a difference. The way I look at food and what I put in my body is totally different. But, will I ever eat something totally decadent and sinfully calorie loaded again - yep. Being honest here- I fully intend on having some Red Velvet Cheesecake Factory Cheese cake for my anniversary. The difference in pre and post band - that cheese cake slice will not all be eaten by me and it will now follow a huge equally calorie loaded meal and it will not take place multiple time of year. This is not about restricted myself for everything I love, it's about a balance between over doing ( which was what I did before ) and driving myself crazy with restrictions. This journey is going to be long, God willing, (the rest of my life). Everyday is a choice, every meal is a choice - I am the only one to blame or pat on the back for my choices because they are MINE. I want all the things that the band gave me a chance at, but the only way I am going to achieve it is if I do my part. The only person I can cheat is myself.

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When I first decided to have VSG, I didn’t initially come to this board. I did my research, talked to my Drs. and went through the process. Any questions that I had, I was able to research through the internet and typically I found answers. If I couldn’t I would discuss them with my Dr. or my nutritionist during my 6 month pre-op requirement. I found this board just days before my surgery. I came here looking for mutant people like myself. People whose life had spun out of control and sought solace and comfort in excessive food and drink. People who had decided that they have had enough of the churn. People that were taking the steps to improve their health and their lives. People that actually allowed themselves to be spread out on an operating table and let a group of strangers cut out a perfectly good stomach. You see, I don’t have a lot of support at home as my spouse had RNY a few years back and failed to maintain her weight and is fairly obese again. She’s been pretty passive aggressive about the whole thing and, well that’s a whole Jerry Springer episode all in itself. I don’t have any close family, and I didn’t share my surgery with anyone who was particularly close friend wise. For some unexplained reason, I needed to be in a tribe for this journey, so I found this board. I came here and I met a whole raft of nice people, people that I enjoyed conversing with on a daily basis, mutants like myself (you all know who you are, and I thank you for the friendship that you all have extended to me). I learned things on this board and I contributed and tried to support. As I did, I came to realize that this surgery is a whole lot tougher on some people than it had been for me both physically and mentally. I guess that I had focused so much on trying to lose the weight and get healthy, that I didn’t see WLS as that big of deal. I’ve done every diet, taken nutrition classes as part of my school work, was a pretty faithful follower of good gym habits; I just couldn’t put down the fork and the cup. I barreled through all this like I always had, by not taking any prisoners. It never occurred to me that others weren’t like that, so it was an eye opening experience to hear the struggles of others. As I tried to pass along my experiences and support, I started getting offline messages. Some were funny, some were more questions, but over the last couple of weeks, I got a couple that were just down right mean. I was being chided for responding in an honest and forthright manner, not being judgmental, but offering an opinion based on experience and facts. Then last week, I was perusing a thread over in one of the other sections that basically called out the so called “vets” on the board for hijacking threads and interjecting silliness and nonsense into too many threads. The poster felt like all this should be relegated to the chat room and policed off the boards. What really melted my butter was a reply by someone that I had truly respected, and someone that had been chastised openly on the board for some of their responses, actually agreeing with the poster about how some of the “vets” handled their posts. This was someone that I had actually defended and sent a message of encouragement to, now blazing away at others (and myself, in my opinion) on the board. It was a wake-up call that maybe there are mutants here that don’t come here for the same reasons that I do. Maybe they feel that this should be a very narrow, well patrolled repository of information and facts, and that there’s no room for a joke and a smile and a bit of irreverent behavior among the tribes people. So, last week I decided to take a few days away from VST and figure out what I wanted from it. Had I graduated from the tribe of mutants? Was this drama that seems to interweave itself into threads on a regular basis worth it? Had I really been that callus in my responses as I was accused of being? I even visited another gastric sleeve board just to get a perspective of how the other tribes live. Then, it dawned on me that we all come here to get something that we need. It might be information, it might absolution, it may be reassurance, and it might even be a joke when we need one, but we all come here seeking something. Because my reasons for being here are different from others, I shouldn’t be castigated for offering an opinion or a word of tough love or even warm and fuzzy encouragement. I shouldn't feel bad to have a joke with a fellow mutant about some nonsense. But, I have decided that for now, it is best that I don’t participate as regularly as I have in the past. I want to continue to learn, I want to see how others react to their quest for health, but mainly I want to be with my tribe. I can do that from the lurkers chair just as easy as I can by participating and I don’t have to sweep the drama from my mailbox. Thanks for listening – I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the courage to make the life altering changes necessary to live a long and happy life. Peace.... John