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I believe anyone that has 85% of their stomach removed will lose weight. You can't help but lose, if you are limited to 4oz of food every few hours. Now the big question is, where is your hunger coming from? Only you can figure that part out. Is it from emotional eating, boredome, stress, or is it because you have hunger pangs caused by the hormone ghrelin? From my own experience, I knew that my hunger was real (even though I had eaten 2 hours earlier, I'd be hungry again). It wasn't until I talked to my surgeon that he told me that I had an excess of the hormone ghrelin (produced by the stomach). The bigger the stomach, the more of the hormone produced. The surgery stopped my hunger pangs. I have not had that nagging sense of hunger (other than my stomach growling) since surgery 7 weeks ago. And 4 or 5 oz of food keeps me satisfied, whereas before, I could eat 1 lb of steak and know I'd be raiding the fridge in 2 hours. And I don't have any cravings anymore for certain flavors. Whereas before, I'd think about something that would taste good and I couldn't get the thought out of my head until I ate it - and a lot of it, not just a small portion. Don't get me wrong, you can sabotage yourself after surgery. There are foods, called slider foods, that are calorie dense (ice cream, peanut butter) that pass through the stomach quickly, so it's possible to eat more. And it is possible to just graze all day on snacks that are high in calories. The sleeve gave me the control over my eating that I needed. When I eat, I have full control of what I eat. I can pass on the donuts or just have 1 and be satisfied. With the exception of pasta - it triggers my sugar cravings. So I have to be real careful about eating it. But I don't know if I'd the same success if my hunger was tied to my emotions instead of hormones. I really believe food was an addiction - one you can't quit and never touch again. Other addictions can be quit and never touched again. But what if a heroine addict, smoker or alcoholic knew they had to take some every day or their body would die? What if they had 75 TV channels that ran commericals for cigarrets every 10 minutes during their favorite programs? Or had reality programs (like the best places to pig out or the food challenges) devoted to the best places to get their fix and showed people taking drugs and loving it? Could the addicts just reduce the amount they took every day and never over do it or would they give in to the nagging voice in their head telling them how good it was going to feel? Ok, rant over. :-)

My official intro, you may know me as DrmBig4Evr, or Kathryn, but allow me to introduce to you The High Heeled Ninja Assasin. Going through the official pre-operation phases from research to pre-authorization, approval and now finally pre-op status I have gone through a number of emotions. I know all of us have pre and post op. In reflecting on this past week I realized a number of items I wanted to blog about, but didn't get around to it. This morning I realized the best way to do this is to write this blog and title it appropriately. All of my life I have been known as a fighter, a fighter against adversity. Now, I realize that is not enough. Why fight adversity to gain a "normal" sense of life when I can go up against my fears, additions (food/abuse), problems full force as a ninja and break through each one and move FORWARD?? I've been living my life the wrong way. A little background on my past, but this past does not define me... * Teen mother * College Graduate * Abbusive Relationships * Supportive Family * Narcissistic Husband * Overweight * Single Mom of 2 beautiful boys, turning 11 & 18 at the most appropriate time, the weekend of my surgery * Professional & Strong Woman I have allowed the above "classifications" define who I am. I thought I was embracing adversity and overcoming it when I should have fought through it and kept moving. There are those to remind me that I am too young to have an 18 year old and to them I say simply, I know. However, I noticed that I also have appeased my biggest interloper, my ex-husband (Nov 2012), by giving into his demands and putting my life on hold as not to "rock the boat". When I decided on this journey it was mainly for quality of life puroses, medically speaking, but what I have realized I've gained is a change of a QUALITY LIFE. You may be wondering about the title of my blog. Well, obviously the ninja assasin may be self-explanatory. I will overcome AND advance forward very calculated and strategically. However, the high heeled part is specific to the abuse I have received over the last 13 years of my life. The physical abuse stopped about 10 years ago, thankfully, but the emotional, financial, and manipulative ways continue on today. I have clawed my way out and I am finally seeing a light. I was told I do not look good in heels, but I LOVE wearing them. I am not too tall, but not short either. 5'5.5" with 3" heels would make me as tall as many men. Being overweight, heels made me feel pretty. I used to blame my ex for his opinions stating it was his insecurities. Typical Napoleon complex in my opinion. However, I bowed to the abusive behavior, I started buying more flats, and why not I had back problems anyway. I didn't realize how upset I was about this control until I was faced with attending a R&B concert and I "asked" if I could wear heels with my dress and I was told no, I look unnatural. WHAT???????? I wore flats and rocked them, noticing I was the only one with them on. NOW? Its time for ME. I am going in full force with my heels on assasinating any negativity and facing adversity like a Ninja!

I remember during my undergrad studies in Psychology reading a paper that talked about people who were addicted to gambling and a peculiar memory trait that only allowed them to remember the times that they won. This caused them to constantly misjudge the odds when placing a bet, because the were overly optimistic about their chances. I think that we who are fat have a similar trait, but in reverse. We only remember the times that we have failed in our journey to be fit, and so when there is temptation, when there are rough spots we err by forgetting all the scale victories, all the nsvs, all the times that we beat temptation and made a right choice and we only remember the times when we failed. So we believe that failure is inevitable and give in. Today has been a hard day for me, I am experiencing a bit of bandster hell, combined with a generous portion of head hunger and emotional eating and the only thing I can think about is why bother, I am just going to fail anyhow. No, I haven't given in to those voices, but I have had one NSV after another this last week, I am within 4 pounds being at the lowest weight I have been at since I was a freshman in high school, and yet my failures are the memories parade before me today. One of the things that the people of the Old Testament did when God did something spectacular in their lives was they built a marker, a pile of stones to remind them of the victory that had happened in that place. I think I need to start building some markers in my life so that I can concentrate on the victories, and not the defeats.

To say that I am doing the happy dance is an understatement. Tomorrow is day one of my pre-op liquid diet. Whoo Whoo. Not for the liquid diet, but that I am two weeks away from getting sleeved. It blows me away that my dream of being healthy is finally coming to fruition. I have been overweight for over 20 years when I get right down to it. It has been a very horrid experience at times. This disease is treated so differently than anything else in the world. The hatred that I had for myself was devastating. Every time I lost a job, every time I lost an opportunity for something I dreamed of, every time I thought of going on a trip, I tried to lose weight, but my system would not allow me to do that. Between drugs I was taking, to the addiction I lived with daily (food adiction) it just never seemed to get any better. No matter how hard I tried, it wouldn't work so I would suffer in silence. For once in my life everything is sunny. I was pre-approved for starters four months ago. I went through everything that had to be done. Got all the approvals, did all the paperwork and got a pre surgery date of April 18th. Then a miraclehappened, I ws told that my insurance no longer required six months of dietician visits to be approved. My paperwork was turned in on February 12th, insurance approced on the 15th and now I am scheduled on March 7th. In addition my out of pocket has dropped by $400! Come on folks, nothing like that happens to me. It must be right. Today I technically had my last supper so to speak. The office had lunch for everyone and since my birthday is this Sunday I can't have cake so I had my cake, and meatballs and potatoes and gravy and everyhting I love for one last time. Tomorrow is day one of the liquid and I will make sure in my mind it is like a gourmet meal. :-) Oh and did I say I am excited. My hubby will finally have a thin wife and I will be able to see my grandchildren graduate from high school. What could be more perfect than that? I will be checking in daily from this point on so I can record how things are going. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my perfect life!

It's been about 10 months since my surgery and I've lost 109.5 pounds total with about 30-40 more to go. It's...strange...being on the downswing of this rather amazing journey. Looking back over everything it's crazy to see how much life has changed in less than a year. I mean, I started out at 280+ pounds and plagued with constant exhaustion of all that extra weight on a 5'5 frame. Now I'm at 171.4 and I run 3+ miles at a time, zumba, kickbox, yoga and am looking into joining a climbing club. Some of the issues over the last 10 months have been harder to deal with than others. For example, I intellectually knew that my hair was probably going to thin but actually standing in the shower with practically hunks of my hair in my hand was....emotionally hard to deal with. For all of those who are just starting this process I highly, highly HIGHLY recommend using Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair serum to help prevent loss and regrow hair. Expensive, yes, but worth it. It not only slowed the hair loss down but my hair is growing in thicker than ever! Another interesting aspect to deal with has been the body/mind disconect. It's just plan weird to go into a store and have no clue where to go or what to start trying on. Your body is melting away so fast (especially in the beginning) that its shocking and you feel like your mind says one thing, the mirror says another, and your body lost 5 lbs during the 2 minutes you were trying on pants and now you have to go back into the store and find a smaller size. Fun, sure, frustrating, definitely. In the beginning my weight loss was meteoric. It seemed the only thing I had to do was sneeze and I lost a pound. Once I hit 6 months, it started to slow and while that is sometimes frustrating I think it's also better mentally. I now have a chance to get to know my own body and to actually see where I'm losing weight. I measure inches lost once a month and it's been a great way to see that I'm still making progress even if the scale hasn't really moved. I basically take everything in 10 lb blocks and have little mini goals set to help keep my spirits up during stalls. Oh, and I also need to thank pneumonia. The 170's will always be The Pneumonia 10 since I pretty much zipped through them during 1 week. I finally went to the doctor thinking I had a bad ear infection/sinus infection and found out that I actually had that AND a bad case of pneumonia. Oops? While I wouldn't lie and say that I'm sorry that the 170s kinda just melted away from my fever and lack of interest in food, I would also have preferred not to have the plague. Gotta look on the bright side though, right? At least I now know why I've been so exhausted for the last week. So I'm in the bottom bit of the 170s and I can actually see what my body is going to look like. I've been overweight for so long and since before puberty finally let go of me that I'm not exactly sure what my body type is. Hourglass? Lean runner physique? Pear? Delicate southern blossom? Hunchback of Notre Dame? *amused*. Yet now when I look in the mirror I can actually see the line definition of where muscle ends and the layer of chub begins. I can tell that my legs/arms/face are thinning faster than my middle and that the last 20 lbs will all be in my stomach area. My mom carries weight the same way and so it's not that big of a surprise. I have a feeling that those last 20 will be the true "Battle of the Bulge" and will be both frustrating and delightful. I'm actally rather pleased that I think I'm going to get the body type I've always secretly wanted, which is more lean runner with enough feminine curves to be interesting but not be Jessica Rabbit. Both delicate and strong. My mind/body disconect has lessened over time and it's getting easier to know that this is me. That when I go out in public that people don't look at me and think "look at that fat girl". When I go to the doctors now I dont get the automatic "you are so obese you have to lose weight" talks from a doctor that is also oftentimes also overweight. (Yeah, anbody else ever notice the double standard of that?). I feel strong within myself and more confident every day. I've learned how to deal with what people say about my weight loss and how to deflect or disregard their comments. Its amazing how many people feel they have a right to comment on weight loss and tell you that it's either 'too fast to be healthy' or that 'you are turning into skin and bones and need to stop'. That last always makes me laugh because I look so thin in comparison to how I looked before, but it's still obvious that I'm carrying extra weight. My basic response to most questions on how I've managed to lose weight is that I had a "Lifeystle change". While I'm not ashamed about having had the surgery I also don't think it's every Tom, D.ick and Harry's business to know. I neither require, nor want, a casual aquiantance's judgement on my choices. And trust me, people have strong opinions one way or the other on having weight loss surgery. There are so many changes in my life that I want to make and this has helped give me the confidence to go after what I want. I want to look back in another year and be as amazed as I am now about how much life can change in a short amount of time. For everyone who is thinking about doing this...you will be amazed at how great life can become. I'm not going to lie and say that it was always easy, but it has been worth it and I would do it all over again.

All I can say is WOW at my preop appointment with my surgeon I was 274lbs and today I stepped on the scale I was 249lbs. My surgery was just over two weeks ago and I feel amazing. I go back to work tomorrow which is a little nerve racking because I know how important it is to get my water in and I'm a nurse on a busy med/surg unit, but I went from wearing a 3XL scrub to a 2XL scrub since surgery. I can't wait to wear scrubs that I haven't been able to get into in over a year. I can honestly say the worst part that I had was my first two days post op, other than that I have felt great. I'm excited to see what is going to happen as I continue my journey with my new sleeve and my new life....

Day 6 status post roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery. The past five days of a clear liquids diet has made it abundantly clear to me that if I thought I had turned a new leaf, I definitely hadn't. Me: I'm hungry Ed: Oh, that food smells so good, doesn't it? It would be so good to take a bite. Look at it, just sitting there. Me: I'm going to turn away and not look at that Ed: Yeah, but whoops! There it is again. One of your kids left a perfectly good bowl of noodles drenched in Alfredo sauce just sitting there. Oh, the thought of eating it! Me: Distract! I'm going upstairs! Ed convinced me to just try purees a few days before I was supposed to. I did. It went okay, so he talked me into advancing the diet to purees a day early. I countered and decided on full liquids (liquids you can't see through but that still go through a strainer, like milk). Except he talked me into cottage cheese at night, just for fun, and I struggled to resist him. Me: One cup, and that's enough. Ed: Fill you up! Fill you up! Oh, it feels so good to fill you up! Don't you love that stuffed feeling? Don't you feel better now? Go take another cup. You can, you know, it's legal. Me: But I felt sort of full even before I finished the first one. I won't have a second one. Ed: DOOOO IT! Get up! That's right! Go over there and get another one, and make sure you pack it tight too! Level it off so it looks legal. There. Make an excuse now. Me: (to my daughter) "And I even get to have seconds! To think that this would have been two bites in the past -- haha! -- sigh." I don't want to eat another. Ed: But it does look so good. Really savor it. That's how you can justify it. You have 30 minutes to eat and it's only been 15, so you may as well. Me: But it doesn't taste so good any more. And I feel full. Ed: EAT IT! Me: Okay. And then later when I was in my daughter's room: Ed: Look! It's those powdered rice crispy things. What are they called? Puppy chow? There's three on her desk -- no SIX! Jackpot! You can take them without her looking. Do it! Me: I am not going to take them. They are soooo not on the diet! Ed: Take those three! There. You got them. Now the other three, right back there. She can't see you. Me: Why am I doing this. I'll throw them in the trash can. She noticed I'm doing something. Ed: No you won't. Walk out. Hide your hand. Real casual like, by your side, as if nothing were in it. Me: I'm going to dump them in the trash when I get out. This could really hurt me if I eat them. Ed: Eat them. Just chew them up good. Me: But the carbs! It's pure refined flour and sugar! Ed: Eat them! Good, good, now another... and another... Chew them slowly if that makes you feel better. Me: God. I hope I don't get dumping from this. How can I have cheated the first day I'm off clear liquids? Ed: Except you weren't, right? We ate that baby food meat for two days now, didn't we? Me: I feel so awful. Ed: There you go. You blew it. You didn't need any more food, but you had it anyway, didn't you. Didn't it feel good though? Me: No. It didn't. I feel horrible. Ed: You should. You never really will learn. You're going to start a blog, aren't you! You think you'll stick to that daily schedule you made today? You won't. You'll get bored like you always do and walk away. Sure, sure, maybe you'll get published some day, or maybe you'll just help someone. But really, you're going to quit like you quit everything else. You probably just gained back some of those pounds that you lost. And you didn't exercise today either. Hah! Fat lotta motivation you had for that, right? Me: But I thought... I was at least trying... Ed: But you failed as usual. Put it off. Screw this. Go to bed like you always do. Me: Okay. I'm not trying to shift the blame. There is no other person who is "forcing" me to eat the way I do. These are conversations I have in my head all day long. However, I've begun to read a book called Life Without Ed (Jenni Schaefer, 2004). In it, the author describes how she became the patient of Thom Rutledge and conquered her eating disorder by process of separating herself from these thoughts that had become so very internalized to her and later, as a separate "being" was able to end the relationship she had with the eating disorder/ED/Ed. I'm hoping that by blogging along as I read the book, I can experience some of the recovery that she has. Although the author describes a cycle of "starving, bingeing, then purging," it is just as easy for me to substitute the words "eating until I can't feel any more." Too easy. I have sought help for the craziness that causes me to eat when I'm not hungry, to eat until I'm stuffed, and then to eat more, but I'm told this is not an eating disorder. Like hell it isn't! So for now, those of us who don't binge and purge or starve ourselves, those of us who just have a problem with "poor food choices," or "portion size" and "not enough exercise" can go through the motions and get ourselves weight loss surgery. But why do so many of us not reach our goal, or gain so much of the weight back, eventually? Because we still are in the grips of disordered eating, or whatever you want to call the process that makes us want to eat when we're not hungry. I didn't even know that another way of eating existed until I had my third daughter. If she is not hungry, she will not eat. Plain and simple. She "saves up her hunger" when she knows she is going to her dad's for visitation, because she doesn't want to disappoint him by not eating. You see, if she forgets and has a snack after school, then she literally cannot eat dinner at his house, and ends up having a late dinner with me when she comes home. Or she will just skip dinner altogether, since she doesn't like feeling full at bedtime. One time I found a third-eaten Reeses Peanut Butter Cup laying on the counter. I had just enough restraint to ask her what that was all about before I devoured it in one bite. Her answer? "I took a bite and then I wasn't hungry any more." I gave birth to this child? Seriously? She definitely has her dad's genes, those of the calm observation that "If you just stopped eating after supper, you'd lose a lot of weight. It worked for me!" And of course it did. He snacked out of boredom or because he liked the taste of the food, but he really could take it or leave it. So he left it, and reached his goal weight within a month. If only it were that simple for the rest of us. But I see that I've gone on a rant, so I'll just shut up now and go to bed.

I had my first fill on monday. It went great. It was a really weird sensation, but didnt hurt at all like some people said it would, so thats good. From monday to this morning i have already lost 3.5!! i'm so ecstatic to not be hungry all the freaking time!! I did throw up the first time last night tho. That wasnt as bad as people said either. I think i just ate too fast and then drank water. I'm excited to learn about what having a band is like and what and how i can eat now. I feel like the journey has finally begun and i'm excited for the first time in a long time!

I found this information and I thought it was good to post it's something that some of the long term sleevers have concerns about even some of the newbies have concerns about what if: Weight regain after bariatric surgery can be an uncomfortable subject and one that both surgeons and patients want to avoid talking about, but can’t. To be sure, weight regain happens – the real question revolves around the cause. We understand that the choice to have weight loss surgery was a big one and the return of weight (in any amount) is disappointing. But understanding the way our bodies work and what may be behind the weight regain can help us address the issue more effectively. First and foremost, don’t get down on yourself. In all likelihood, your surgery did work and you are doing the right things, but our bodies change. As our bodies change, so too do our needs. Natural Regain: Some weight regain after bariatric surgery and especially gastric bypass is normal. If you regain 5-10% of your excess body weight after a few years of losing consistently, don’t fret. Speak to your surgeon, but it is likely no problem at all. Diet modification: Many of us tend to overdo it in our diets. It is tempting to over-diet, but the results can be counterproductive. Crash diets can even cause us to retain more fat than a diet of moderation. Be sure that you follow your diet plan closely and work with your dietician to ensure the very best results. Exercise habits: As with diets above, there is a fine line between good and bad exercise. Understanding the exercises to which your body responds and working with an exercise physiologist can help ensure that your exercises are doing good and not harm. Pouch or stoma enlargement: The stomach pouch and/or stoma (the opening into the stomach) can in fact stretch over time. This can cause mild or significant weight regain and can be corrected with one of several simple outpatient procedures. Revision Surgery can be effective, but ONLY as a last resort. Simple outpatient procedures and even major surgery can be used to revise an unsuccessful primary procedure. While revisions are generally effective, they do carry a higher risk of complications and all other solutions to the weight regain should be implemented before considering a revision procedure.

So far so good. I got up at 5am and did 20 minutes on my treadmill at level 3 with a 2 incline. Goal is to work up to 45 minutes before surgery. I also made arrangements with my trainer to work with me after surgery to minimize the saggy skin. Bless her heart, she is only charging me $30 a week. My goal is to run a 5k, then a 10k, then a 1/2 marathon. Of course this will take lots of time, but I am determined. This morning is going well so far. Seems strange that I am not hungry. I had my first protein meal at 6am and will have my second at 9. It was orange cream flavored and I mixed it with Almond Milk. YUM. Been sucking down the water too. Since I can have Crystal Light with my water I mixes Sunrise Orange with it and it is delish. Brought some beef broth and jello with me to work so I will have some variety throughout the day with my five protein shakes. I am not stupid to not know that this is not going to be easy, but like anything else, once I get through the third day I will be on zoom. This means too much to me to screw up now. Follow up - it is not 420 pm and I am almost done with day 1. whoo whoo. My favorite part of the day was the jello. It gave me something to chew on. LOVED IT!! I think if I keep up my upbeat attitude it will go swimmingly to the end. I sure do hope so anyway. Downward here I come.