Leaderboard

I found a poem a few years ago after coming back from a mission trip to Africa.... I came acrossed it again today and it helped calmed my nerves for my appointment tomorrow. BE THANKFUL Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire, If you did, what would there be to look forward to? Be thankful when you don't know something For it gives you the opportunity to learn. Be thankful for the difficult times. During those time you grow. Be thankful for your limitations Because they give you opportunities for improvement. Be thankful for each new challenge Because it will build your strength and character. Be thankful for your mistakes They will teach you valuable lessons. Be thankful when you're tired and weary Because it means you've made a difference. It is easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to hose who are also thankful for the setbacks. GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive. Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings. ~Author Unknown~ When I am going through my highs and lows throughout this process I am going to try and remember this.

The rearview mirror is my best friend. I'm always consulting it, flicking between the road ahead and what has just passed. For me, I'm obsessed with understanding and learning. I never take "I don't know" as an answer. There ARE no mysteries, there is always a reason. Maybe we don't understand it at the time, but that's what rearview mirrors are for; they are the teacher's answer key. And the more I know, the better I get. So here I am one week from getting my band replaced and am glancing at the rearview of my band failures and successes. I feel very different than the first time I was banded, and it's made even clearer by the new people I am befriending here on LBT. All the questions and the anxiety and the excitement, it's like looking at a photograph. It makes me smile and I'm probably more excited for their journey than they are, knowing what's coming. I want to be a good leader, a great example, and most of all I want to not repeat my own mistakes (for I am still a human leader). I wasn't perfect on the band like many others I see. I have a food addiction. And the first step in anything is owning up to your misses. I remember the first few months with the "magic fill" - I was a kid in a candy store, eating cookies and ice cream or high fat stuff. I would MARVEL that literally, two squares of a Hershey's bar would satisfy me. I would fold up the candy bar and put it in my desk drawer. I'd open the drawer just to look at it and boggle at the fact that I didn't WANT it, and I could say no. That never, ever happened to me. I destroy food like Godzilla with a hangover. I would sneak ice cream as a 7 year old when my mom was in the shower. The taste of food was unparalleled joy, all the time. And I enjoyed my bad food for a while when I was newly banded, because I had power over food for the first time in my life. I did eventually get too cocky and the band would interrupt a nice dinner I'd made or purchased, and all the food was put away because I had to PB, or just felt awful. Try having something stuck on a date....ruins the mood. I needed to go through that embarrassment and wake up call to get back in balance. Play time was over, it was time to work. Then I got in line with the band; roasting chicken thighs and carrots for dinner, portioning things out. Talking more with whomever I was with and letting food fall to the background. I never felt deprived because my food choices were just that - MY choices. It was so empowering I cannot even describe it. I literally felt like a normal person because my relationship with food was changing. This time around, I'm not even interested in bad food, or the permission to have it in small quantities. I have tasted normal sized clothing, I have tasted normal relationships with food, and I absolutely hate where I am now. I'm 40 lbs less than my heaviest, but I feel worse than I ever have. For 6 months now I've been heavy (half the time with a baby...the last 2 months of pregnancy were awful!) or healing from a c section, and lugging around more fat with sleep deprivation. I used to feel GREAT! I want to feel GREAT again. The band makes me feel GREAT because I feel in control. I am out of control now. And rereading my past entries, I fought and fought for stability with a constantly failing band and a less than ideal mindset. I am blessed and lucky to have a second chance. I'm not squandering it. Open eyes, looking ahead and behind, changing the bad and repeating the good. It's not all daisies on the journey, but yeah, when you get there, it's a freakin' field of flowers

As many of you know I have a special needs son....who is in and out of the hospitals . Well he just came home from his latest stay and this was the first time I wasnt the fat mom It made such a differance...so many things I never realized... I was so much more of a advacate this time...I was not afraid to go ask for a nurses help...or any thing that I thought would make him more comfortable or even for myself....When it was time for his meds and they were not there...I didnt feel like Oh gawd...what should I do...I knew what to do and I did it...and to my surprise I think I was treated with more respect...or at least its how I felt on the inside and that all showed on the out side... And any one who has ever slept on a hospital cot over night knows how that feels when your 100 lbs over weight.....and this stay it still wasnt comfy but it wasnt uncomfy with the added OMG blankets dont move and uncover my big O butt while I sleep... After some stays I can remember being so hungry but I wouldnt dare ask for anything from the nurses.....what would they think the fat lady wants more food !!! This time...I asked if I could get some SF jello...or some crackers and peanut butter... and I was proud of that....simple pleasures being with in a normal weight ... I can not thank my Drs and Nut for the new life they gave this lady !!!

Previously I cut all ties with my publisher for personal reasons. So I decided to submit my manuscript to one of the hardest to get published, publishing companies in the United States. I did this about six weeks ago and figured well they said I would hear something in two weeks. So I gave up. I continue to write everyday because I love to do it and well..... I think I am pretty good at it. So today came the email and I didn't want to open it because I knew it was a rejection email. After all this time it had to be right? WRONG WRONG WRONG! Not only did they accept my manuscript but said this: Congratulations Cheryl! Tate Publishing has accepted your book,"The Prevalence of Love" for publication. This email is to inform you that we would love to move you to the next step in this process and get you a contract to look over. I have been reading through your submission and I am certainly impressed. This is a project that we are really interested in taking on. I just want you to know upfront that I really enjoyed your work and we are excited about this opportunity. Please take some time to read through the material and let me know if you have any questions. It is important that you know what it is about your book that caught our eye and you need to realize that a lot of time and effort goes in to each review of every submission that comes to us. Your book has been chosen on the basis of writing ability, concept and most importantly- marketability. It is with great pleasure that we welcome you as one of the 4% chosen out of tens of thousands each year to become a published author with us. Congratulations![/font] I was moved by your short stories and the encouragement that radiates in your writing. We are very honored to have you come our way and look forward to working with you on this project. [/font] Yes they read every single submission they get and my book was picked! Over the years my writing has improved drastically. I not only just produce books but I write for Yahoo Voices, The Examiner, Angies Diaries and many other websites. With perserverence I have been given an opportunity that most authors never have the chance to get. It is hard to get published and while I have been publshed for quite some time by another publishing company that is being sued by many authors for their lies and deciet, I have broken through to a publisher that is by far hard as hell to get published by. So today I do my happy dance and now you all know what I do instead of thinking of food. I write.[/font] TIME FOR A BIG HAPPY DANCE

I reached my ultimate goal of 125lbs. My starting weight was 186lbs. My bmi is 22.1 now. I'm 5 months out, today!. I'm starting to appreciate just being able to coast and maintain weight. I'm curious to see how that goes. I'm wearing all of my old clothes from my previous skinny days! It has been fun gradually melting into them again. I haven't had to buy alot of clothes through my journey. Bought some just to encourage/reward myself along the way. Don't have alot to write right now. Will write more as I enjoy being at goal. can't wait until summer' I got a brand new Harley last september and plan to hit the road with my new bod this summer. Gotta get a tan yet and I'll be ready. Call it a mid-life crisis whatever, I can't wait to start my fun new life!!!

Things to be Excited for When I get FIT Register for a cycling class in March Bike with my Dad in May from my university to home! (60 miles) Getting away with wearing only ONE sports bra (not 2 or 3) Buying any clothes that I want Wearing normal width boots Having a regular towel fit around me Run a 5K with my dad RunDinsey 10k 2014 with my dad Sit on an airplane comfortably People actually don't mind sitting next to me in class or on the bus (if I get into grad school) To not be fetishized on dating websites Actually making eye contact with people instead of wishing I was invisible Not be afraid to smile in photos because it makes my face look even fatter Taking the stairs instead of dreading them Not being hot all the time (although my hands and feet are like ice now) GET TO ONDERLAND be able to do at least 5 real pull-ups and 20 push ups And finally, to try to love myself even though everyday is a struggle. In other news, I went to my school's gym on Friday to get used to everything. I brought my friend with me Monday night, and I went tonight, too. Unfortunately, I got such bad blisters on Monday, I could only stick to the bike tonight. I'm doing really lousy getting in all my fluids. I think I might get in about 40oz? I'm not really keeping track of my protein, but I estimate it's somewhere around 40g-50g. I think working out helps deplete any carbs I do consume. I've been in a stall for a while now, but the scale finally moved tonight. Although every scale is different, I have a doctor's appointment on Friday so hopefully my new nutritionist will be okay will my weightloss.

So I am on the 6th day of my 7 day pre-op liquid diet. I did one week of no carbs (basically the induction phase of the south beach diet) before I started this liquid diet to ease myself into things. I lost 5 lbs on the week of no carbs and so far 7 lbs on this liquid diet. I started at 311 and I wanted to be under 300lbs by the time I went in for surgery! My first goal achieved!!! The liquid diet isn't so bad. I mean besides having dreams of forgetting I'm on a liquid diet and stuffing my face. One night I even had a dream that I smoked some weed and just started binge eating. Thank goodness these things were only in a dream. I haven't cheated once and am almost done. I just kept thinking, "If I can't do this for a week, then how do I expect to do this for the rest of my life." Somehow I found enough motivation to stick with it. Now, I'm just swimming along. "Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming." And soon it will be my time to take the fall...Wednesday October 30th, 2013 is the day my life will change forever.