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Well, it's the end of another year and to be honest, I still have to remind myself to write 2012 on my checks (when I actually have to use one). Therefore, writing 2013 is going to be a huge pain in the rear for me. Now, I am not one to make resolutions. To be honest, i don't think I've ever kept one I've made so I finally realized that there was no reason to make any. If someone wants to change, they will...it won't just magically happen becasue it's January 1st. Trust me, I wish that was a case. If it was, we wouldn't all be constantly working to get/remain healthy and thin. Also, there would be a lot of surgeons out there who wouldn't be as wealthy as they are right now...thanks to us. You are welcome surgeons...from all of us. Sorry, i digress. Now, I thought I wold take the time to look back on my year and share my wisdom with you all....or at least what I think is wisdom. It could be a big ole pile of steaming crap, but I'm going to share it anyway. Lucky for you all, if it is crap, you don't have to smell it since you're reading it. So, here is what I've learned...or at least began to learn in 2012. 1. It's true, you do feel much better when you stop smoking. But, it's also true that even after a year, there are times you still want one....even if it's only for a second or two 2. Weight loss surgery is NOT an easy fix. It's hard work and I battle every day with changing my negative food thoughts and behaviors. But, it does get easier. 3. Getting frustrated becasue you can't eat what others are having is normal. Crying and yelling at your husband for eating pizza in front of you is PMS. 4. Fiber is CRITICAL after WLS 5. Stalls are normal...even if they last for a while 6. Getting down for being in a stall is just as normal....but remember number 5! 7. My weight loss is not like anyone else's. There are people who have lost more or not as much in the same amount of time. 8. Going from a tight size 26-28 to a good fitting 16 feels better than any food can taste 9. Taste buds change....which can be good and bad. 10. Pulling out my clothes from the dryer and having to double check to make sure they are mine due to how small they look is the coolest thing about doing laundry 11. Sex is better....and it was really good before hand 12. Raging hormones can make you a b***h to live with so make sure you live with someone who truly loves you.....I'm lucky because I would have divorced me if I were my husband 13. Make up sex while having raging hormones is even better than better 14. My boobs hang low....(cue my "hang low song"....for all those who have read my prior blogs) 15. I miss my boobs...and my butt. 16. Surgery can give me my boobs back and I'll still be thin....sounds better than having perky, big boobs right now. 17. Onions don't sit well with me anymore 18. I fart....a lot since surgery. 19. I really hope that stops soon....but not as much as my husband does 20. I have a rabbit living in my colon....and we've learned to live together 21. Pain after surgery isn't as bad as I thought it would be...and they didn't give me the right meds to deal with the pain 22. Walking is the best thing to do to get gas out 23. I am not perfect and sometimes I eat things that I shouldn't...but I don't eat much 24. Alcohol has a WHOLE different affect on me now.....that can be good or bad...good for me, bad for hubby who doesn't like me tipsy. LOL and last but not least 25. Laughing through all the ups and downs is the only thing that can keep you sane So, with all these little tid bits learned, I plan to go into the new year with an open mind and a willingness to continue to make positive changes, the knowledge to know I'm not perfect, and strength to say no to the bad food (most of the time). I hope you all are able to do the same. Happy New Year everyone.....here's to a safe, happy, and healthy year ahead. Now for some funny stuff.....LOL Have to remember to eat so that I don't look like this in the New Year!!! Have to remember not to eat too much so this doesn't happen....again....LOL Most importantly, I have to remember to be happy with who I am...on the inside and out.

Betrayal comes from many aspects of our life. From friends, family, spouses and children. Everytime you are betrayed by people you love it hurts. So why with the band do you betray yourself by eating things you are not supposed to and in the long run feeling guilty and hurt by your decisions. Life isn't always easy and we have enough stress without letting the band stress us more. It's supposed to help us feel better about ourselves not feel miserable. As the new year approaches, stop betraying yourself with the band. Follow your instructions that you were given and even if your weight loss is slow, a pound loss is a loss no matter how you look at it. I betrayed myself for years with tons of food, feeling miserable, feeling overly full and depending on food to get me through rough times. I stil have rough times, but I don't use food as another means to betray myself. I use it to make myself feel good by getting rid of the horrible self image I had when I was almost 300lbs. Sometimes it's not easy dealing with problems without the comfort of food but I have learned to stop letting meaningless things get on my nerves. Happy New Year with a new attitude about band life!

Anyone thats ever had a traumatic event in their life can relate to what I'm about to say. I spent a lot of time in the counselors office talking about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser and those who supported the abuse, either by denial or by complacency is more about healing you than giving that other person anything. I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself. Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know. How could I not have known? These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!) I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that.... It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!

I am freaking out. Only eleven days to surgery...I have the flu. Been fighting it for one week...it HAS to go away soon. I really don't want them to cancel my surgery or postpone it.

With less than 24 hours away from the big surgery, I find myself enthralled in all sorts of emotions. One moment I'm excited. The next I'm a little worried. The next I'm axious to get this over with.. And the next I'm flat out afraid. I've been up since 3am this morning. I just can't sleep.My mind is moving just too fast. I've been going back and forth to some major events in my life and trying to figure out what led me here.. Then 2 events pop in mind.. One when I was about 19 and was having an argument with one of my ex boyfriend's friends. He made a pass at me and I told my boyfriend at the time who addressed him about it. He was so upset with me he yelled "that's why your're a cheeseburger away from obese". I was soooo offended, like could he really have said that to me.. But then again, he was right. I had no come back. Then lastly I remember having an argument with an ex friend of mine at about 21 and boy was it a bad one. Not wanting to be defeated like I had in the previous argument, I was guns loaded. In a tit for tat I blurted out "that's why your ugly and you look like a gorilla". Not one of my proudest moments I'll admit. Very childish.. She responds "that's why your fat". Ouch! Another dagger to the heart about my weight. I replied "well I can fix my problem. But you sure can't fix ugly. All the surgery in the world won't help that face!"... Feeling like I had won that argument, my ego said otherwise and I was deeply saddened. What these two events made me realize is that the person I saw, was what the rest of the world was beginning to see. Someone who was moving fast towards a serious weight problem. My grandmother passed away on December 26, 2003 in her sleep for no apparent reason. She cooked Christmas dinner, played games with us all.. then never woke back up. The doctor's ruled it as congestive heart failure because it was the last pre-existing condition she had. But what I failed to mention was that she was just over 500 pounds and battled with sleep apnea. She use to snore really bad. When I would spend the night with her, the only way I knew she was breathing was when I heard that snoring.. But sometimes there would be long pauses in those snores and she'd begin gasping for breath. The morning of her death I arose to greet her good morning and while combing my hair in her vanity right next to her bed... I noticed, she hadn't been snoring. Then I looked at her arm and it was just hanging off the bed. I knew she had stopped breathing. I honestly believe she suffocated in her sleep and had she been 200-300 pounds lighter, I'd still have her to this very day. She died at only 52. Obesity is a genetic disadvantage in my family and I finally have an opportunity to overcome that. To live life the way it's supposed to be lived. This is something I can't pass on doing. I've prayed to God without ceasing about what I can do to get this weight off and in I stumble across a procedure I didn't even know existed. Literally walked in the clinic to inquire about a lap band and will be walking out tomorrow with a sleeve. God carved a perfectly laid path for me tomorrow. I had no hickups along the way, and have paid nothing out of pocket. Because I have really good health insurance, whatever they cover is all my surgeon says he will be receiving. It can't get any better than that. Aside for paying co pay on my perscriptions, I consider this a free procedure to help me get my life back. This is a gift from God! I am a living witness that if you remain in him and his words remain in you, you can ask for whatever you wish and it will be given unto you (John 15:7). I didn't know how he was gonna do it I just had faith and he did it! I cry as I write this moment because I will never see life through the same set of eyes again. My limits to a happy fulfilled life have just become endless. These are my tears... OF JOY!

I am only a little over a week past my surgery..however the incision on my ride side is very sore. I also feel a bump under it. Is this where the port is located?

Things are getting to crunch time and I have some major issues that have definitely been relived. First and foremost, I was afraid to have a drainage tube and catheter. I was able to ask my surgeon about this directly and he assured me I won't have either. He went on to explain that usually the tubes are for patients with much higher BMIs for safety reasons. Thank goodness. I am now at the home stretch. I know I am going to be kicking screaming on my way in there but dammit I'm going in there in less than 48 hours and I'm coming out a new woman. Pray for me everyone!

I'm not sure what's going on, but lately I've been having trouble drinking water. I mean, of all things. Tomorrow I'll be banded 4 months, and this "issue" has been only coming up the last few days. My chest starts to hurt a little when I take several sips. I don't think I'm drinking any faster than I have been...? My food intake hasn't been doing too well either. I'm not necessarily eating "bad" stuff (hum, those veggie chips can't be "that" good), but I am keeping track of everything. I'm actually not really eating enough overall. I get busy & don't eat. Then, at the end of the day (afternoon), I start to drag a$$ & get really tired. Sometimes even light-headed. Yea, I know guys. I know better. I think I've just been so busy taking care of my parents (dad), running their errands, taking mom to get hair done (she's been going every week for YEARS), grocery shopping & now I even cook a little extra & drop it off. I digress... So, why am I having this discomfort when drinking water? What's this all about? I've always loved water!

Why is it when I'm highly stressed, I go towards junk food. I did great all day until this afternoon when I got home from my parents house, for the 2nd time today. As you may know, my dad is in stage 4 cancer, and while he's been one helluva trooper beating this cancer shi*, it's finally starting to take it's toll. He's starting to feel pain more often so the pain meds are getting stronger & given more often. He still looks strong, but we know the inevitable. Anyway, I had to call Hospice, his Dr, then check on him, then go back when the Hospice Nurse got there, and make an apt for him to go to his regular Dr tomorrow. Mind you, many emails & texts with my husband & brother in between. You get the picture? With all these "excuses" said, I ate 2 (not just one) sugar cookies AND a few chips (which I NEVER eat)! I was on a roll not eating "junk" food then I hit major stress & BAM.. back to the horrible habits! Can anyone tell me.....Why, oh why do old habits die hard?

I am 16 days post op today. I have a non-scale victory to report. About eight months ago I took off the diamond ring my husband bought me for anniversary last year because it was cutting off my circulation. Once I took it off I couldn't get it back on. I was able to slip it on last night and there it stays! I have totally embrace this journey from day one of my preop diet and I don't hope that I will be successful I know that I will be successful. I'm down 22.6 pounds.