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Anyone thats ever had a traumatic event in their life can relate to what I'm about to say. I spent a lot of time in the counselors office talking about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser and those who supported the abuse, either by denial or by complacency is more about healing you than giving that other person anything. I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself. Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know. How could I not have known? These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!) I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that.... It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!

Why should you feel guilty about eating something. Isn't that the way we used to feel before being banded. Over eating on Sunday before the start of your Monday diet. If you are eating something that makes you feel guilty then why over indulge and eat it. This journey is about learning new habits not holding on to the old ones. Being made to feel guilty about any decision in life whether it is about food or anything else is a very bad feeling one should never have. If you are about to sit down and eat a chocolate bar or a piece of pie but after you eat it that guilt trip settles in, then why put yourself through that process over and over again. One day I sat down and I was looking at my snacks for the day and when I entered them in on Spark People (because I like that site much better then My Fitness Pal) holy toledo, even though I was only eating a thousand calories for the day, at least 350 to 400 were in snacks. Not that the snacks were bad because it was 100 calories for greek yogurt, 170 for a protein bar and so forth, the guilt of what I ate snack wise floored me and made me feel guilty. I never wanted to feel that way again about food. I don't want to feel guilty so that is why I do not eat high calorie snacks anymore. Some apple slices, craisins, low fat cottage cheese, hard boiled eggs and so forth. I keep my snacking calories under 250 so I don't have to feel guilty. I love anything with sugar but I can't eat it because I can't just have one and then the guilt settles in. Pleasure should never be compared to guilt or associated with guilt. You make your decisions to eat things so why feel guilty. We have all failed at something in life whether it be having an aweful relationship with food, family, mates, children. I don't want my eating life to be full of guilt because in all reality in this part of the game I am eating to fuel my body not fuel my mind on taste. My mind played enough aweful things in my life as far as my relationship with food goes. Think before you eat and ask yourself "is this going to make me feel guilty after I eat it"? If the answer is yes then get rid of it. You don't need guilt to be in your life over something that won't matter in ten years. TTFN

Is my band too tight? How many times do we see this question? A lot so let’s talk about it. How tight you have your band is a personal preference. No one (including your doctor) can tell you how tight it has to be. This is something you have to decide for yourself. Personally my band is loose. The last time I had an x-ray my doctor commented that I didn’t have very much restriction. Oh well, it is what works for me. I have had 2 unfills because I felt my band was too tight, but I know now that it wasn’t. So how do I know if my band is too tight? I ask myself these questions: 1. Can I get water/liquids down okay? If YES not too tight 2. Are my bites the size of a nickel or smaller? If NO not too tight 3. Do I chew my food at least 30 times before swallowing? If NO not too tight 4. Do I wait 1 minute between bites? If No not too tight It appears that my eating habits cause me to think my band is too tight. When I eat correctly I have no problems. My advice to anyone wondering if their band is too tight is, evaluate your eating by asking yourself my four questions.

I was banded almost 4 1/2 months ago & have lost 45 pds so far. I haven't lost any weight in the last 2 1/2 weeks, but I didn't really exercise as much or eat as healthy as I had been. I'm not thrilled about it, but I'm not stressing about it either because I"m much more aware of what I eat these days. I still struggle with getting enough protein in, but I'm working on it... So, with that said, I've done quite a bit of closet cleaning the last few weeks. I'm happy to say that I've donated A LOT of clothes to Good Will. Time to put all the over-sized clothes to rest. I went to Dress Barn, and found myself, comfortably, in size 18 pants, and 1X shirts. Well I'll be damned if they didn't look pretty good on me. Hum... go figure. Since it takes me around 20 - 25 pds before I go down a size in clothes, I figure these clothes will last me a while. My goals are now limited to 10 pounds at a time. I think this is much more manageable & it'll make me feel better about myself. I still have another 50 pds to go to make my goal, but it's OK. I'm enjoying the journey!

These are my babies! Atticus, Black Mouth Cur. He is the biggest baby in town. Hank, Blue Healer. Gill's dog, follows her around the whole time she is here. Sophie, Dachshund. Daddy's baby (but he won't admit it) and the BOSS of all the dogs! Bugsy, Rat Terrier and Dachsund mix. My baby, he is with his best friend Smokey the cat.

For most of my lifetime, I recall feeling renewed and hopefully about entering a new year. I always looked forward to making new year resolutions. The primary, reoccuring resolution I would make and not succeed with was losing weight and being healthy. Annually, I would still set myself up for wishful thinking and dreaming and subsequent depression by spring. My happiness was always tied to my weight. My obesity status held me back from being me for many years. I often felt self conscious, but continued to hide behind a smile. However, FINALLY, I became proactive regarding my weight problem midway 2012. I had my SLEEVE procedure August 22nd, 2012 and have successfully lost 53 pounds to date. For once, in my lifetime, I am entering a new year on a good foot. This is the most exciting phase of my life in a long time. I finally feel alive and looking forward not just to 2013, but to the next ten years! No longer is my life filled with bleak nights and long, exhausting days..just barely making it through life! Yes there are things I still need to work on, such as eating at a slower pace, water consumption and exercising consistently, but overall, I feel healthier than I have in many years! If you are pondering over weight loss surgery and living in fear...fear of staying obese and the situation getting worse and worse and fear to have the surgery, just know that surgery could change your life! I am living proof of this and I thank GOD for the courage to move forward with it. I had never ever considered weight loss surgery until spring of 2012. I was one of those diehard, "Oh I don't need surgery, you have to do it on your own with or without surgery anyway!" Meanwhile, while being resistant to the idea, my body was breaking down and the scale was going up. I turned to GOD and prayed on it after my new gastrologist asked me to consider it. Her vision of where I could be 5 years from now if I didnt lose substantial weight was frightening. I thank her to this day because most doctors don't break you down like that anymore. I realize GOD sent me to that woman because I didnt even have a recommendation when I switched to her, I just called 1-800-doctor and went from there! Now all of my doctors are pleased with my progress..but they can not be more pleased and excited for me than I am! I just thank all of my family, friends and co-workers who are supporting me during this process. My boss is one of my biggest cheerleaders! She's always telling me my clothes are too big..LOL I am just eternally grateful and I thank GOD! I told my surgeon, Dr. Dobruskin during my last visit that she changed my life. She replied, "No, YOU changed your life." I think we both did that together. The healthy quest will never end for me, it's a total lifestyle adjustment and I am good with that. To 2013: Onward and Upward! I am taking life by the horns and moving forward! I just wanna scream and shout I am so elated!! Good luck to all the new procedure patients and you will soon be sharing the same joy I am! GOD BLESS!!

This seems to be one of the most popular questions in the forums. Weight stalling is normal but there are things that your body needs in order to continue to lose weight that some never think are important. Sleep is a big factor in weight loss. You need a full 8 hour nights sleep in order to lose weight. Why? Because while you are sleeping your body is revitalizing its self and removing toxins from your body. When you don't get a good nights sleep your weight loss can slow down or stop completely. Water intake. In order to help flush fat out of your body, you need to consume large amounts of water daily. 64 ounces or more. It also helps with water retention when you are drinking enough water. Your bowels need to move. If you are not having bowel movements on a regular basis that is added weight that needs to come out. Take something to help relieve the constipation because protein causes constipation. Stress. If you are stressing out over not losing weight you are only making it that much harder to lose any weight. Stress has been a key factor in no weight loss. Salt intake. If you are eating a lot of lunch meats, soups, and other things loaded with salt you are retaining fluid. Not enough protein. If you are not eating the recommended amount of protein and filling yourself with carbs then of course you won't lose weight. Protein is vital in burning fat. If you're not eating enough then your weight loss will stall also. Exercising too much. If you are burning 800 calories a day exercising and only consuming 800 calories then you will not lose weight. Your body will hold on to every ounce of fat because you are not giving it enough fuel to function. Exercise in moderation about 30 minutes every other day. Your body needs a recovery period from exercise. You don't need to go to the gym 7 days a week to lose weight. Lastly plateus happen and sometimes they last for weeks or months but this is not the time to throw in the towel. Its the time for your desire to lose weight to shine. Eventually your body has no choice but to drop the pounds it is holding on too.

All of my life I felt very different from everyone around me and constantly yearned to be “normal” like everyone else. In school, I was bullied and beaten up on a regular basis because I was “different”. In order to cope with the abuse at school and at home, I turned to food. What I didn’t realize at the time was that instead of running towards normalcy, my actions were driving me further away. As I gorged myself with calories, I gained weight and became less active. As an adult, I became so fat that I had trouble doing simple tasks like getting dressed or walking a block to a place for lunch. I thought about getting weight loss surgery, but then, I would permanently be “not normal”. One of my greatest fears about getting the surgery was that I would never be able to eat like a “normal” person again. I thought that I would not be able to participate in social activities where food was served and my post-surgery eating habits would attract attention to me as being different from everyone else. It never occurred to me that at 325 lbs, I was not eating like a normal person to begin with and my eating habits were probably already attracting attention. Today, after having lost 100 lbs from surgery, I am quite shocked to discover that I feel more normal than I have ever felt in my life. I am as active as any normal person and can physically do everything a normal person can do. My eating habits have not impacted my social life in the least. It feels wonderful to be able to walk into any clothing store and buy whatever I want just like a normal person. Even though I am not happy about still being 60 lbs overweight, given the average size of people these days, even that seems normal. I was telling my therapist that I feel like I have normal weight loss issues now. Weight loss seemed like an impossible dream before surgery, but I am at a point now where I need to watch what I eat and exercise like a normal person to lose any more weight. With surgery, I have achieved normalcy, the one thing I feared I would not gain by having the surgery. I’m hopeful that I will lose the rest of this weight in the new year.

Merry Christmas Everyone. Ok, I'm a day late and a dollar or two short but it's the thought that counts. Hope you all enjoyed a wonderful day with family and friends. I had a very interesting and different Christmas than I normally have...but I have to say, it seemed to end with wonderful memories and a great story to tell when I'm old and frail. So, my day started tthe same as it normaly does on Christmas. Nothing really exciting. Due to finacial reasons, my husband and I did not exchanged gifts so there was no "under the tree excitment" to be had here. Not that it's a bad thing at all. We've always said that as long as we have each other, we don't need much else. I mean having a roof over our heads is REALLY nice and I wouldn't want to give it up but if we had to...well, then we would have to figure something out...TOGETHER. Now, my normal day consists of going to my parent's house for Christmas dinner with my sister and her family (husband and four children). I was really looking forward to the family time until I made the call to my parents to wish them a merry Christmas. What do I hear? Phlem!! Lots and lots of it. Not only can my mother barely talk, I hear my father in the back ground doing the same thing. Long story short....Christmas at the Morgan's is CANCELED unltil further notice. So, my husband and I venture out to find something to cook for dinner. I didn't have anything that would rise to occasion of a "Christmas Meal" so I figured i would go get either lamb, prime rib, or a ham...yes, I know one of these things is not like the other...but hey, at least it's not CHICKEN!!!! LOL So, we go store to store...meaning we went to two (we live in a small town) and much to my surprise, they were closed. We even went by our 24-7 Walmart and that was closed too. HUMMMM...now what? Again, we take a mental inventory of what we have in the freezer....CHICKEN...and maybe some hamburg. Neither seems worthy of a Christmas feast. So, I get an idea...let's see if the Chinesse place is open today. Sure enough it is. Yippie. Looks like we will have our own version of "A Christmas Story" this year. So, around 2 I call and place our order. Not sure why I odered so much but I am sure my husband can handle most of it. I also figured due to my Christmas day food intake already, i would be able to pack more than normal away in my little tummy. I am still not sure where all the extra room came from. So, we changed our clothes so that we wouldn't be eating in our P.J's, took the five mile drive to the Chinesse store and picked up our food. Once home, my hubby set the table (as best he could at the last minute) and we sang...."Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra, Ra, Ra." I figured it would be very insensitive to ask the people at the resturaunt to sing "Deck the Halls" like in the movie...I mean it is a complete stereotype and I in no way wanted (or want) to offend anyone. Then, we ate...and laughed...and talked. We talked about how sometimes the best memories come from an unexpected change of plans. And to be honest...I agree. After dinner, we enjoyed a bottle of wine and some ciders. Took some photos and watched "A Christmas Story." Around 9:30, I went to bed with a full tummy, a fuzzy head, and a huge smile on my face. Don't get me wrong, i would have loved to spend the day with my family and I wish they weren't sick...but it's nice to have a story to tell for years to come. I hope you all made your own memories yesterday and I hope they were good ones. Merry Christmas everyone!!! This was our Christmas Feast....notice, there is no peaking duck This is my meal...and no, I didn't finish it all. LOL Me Showing off my Husband't "lighting skills' (3rd floor) Also, I find it so funny that when I saw this photo I was like, "WOW, I'm thin!!!" And, I said that while wearing sweats that were two sizes too big, a huge oversized sweat shirt, and a bulky coat...again...too big. Funny how times have changed. LOL And of course, the chopstick shot Last one...Me by the tree