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I got my date January 22 which is exactly seven months from my first appointment and five months to the date of the day my daughter gets married. I am so excited but also so scared. My eating has been horrible since I got the date especially eating way to much sugar! I feel terrible and I have to much time between now and when I start my pre-op diet to keep this up. You would think I would learn but quess that what has lead my to needing this surgery.

Hi...I had my final surgeon visit yesterday and was kind of floored when he mentiioned that with the sleeve you could have a leak in one week, one month or all the way to six months. Has anyone else heard this and has it happened to anyone?

It's been interesting looking back over my entries on this blog along with the journal that I keep intermittently on my computer. I think that it's chronicled not only the weight loss side of my journey, but a portion on my journey through my mental illness in relationship to my weight. I started seeing a therapist last week. I probably should have sooner, and for anyone who has any kind of mental health disorder and is thinking about/having/had the surgery and even some of those who don't have a mental health disorder, it is something I would definitely recommend. I have struggled with my mental health since I was a teenager and it has huge ties to my weight, so it's definitely relevant for me to have new issues as well as old issues cropping up as I continue to lose weight. It's funny because before surgery I reminded myself a number of times that weight loss was not a catch all for solving many of the problems that I have. Weight loss is just that - a loss of weight to increase my health. I am now at 233 (lowest I have seen is 232) and still losing steadily, although much slower than before. Some days I feel like my entire life has changed, others I feel like I'm still left standing in the same place. Half of the time I cannot see the weight loss in the mirror. I can see it in the pictures, I hear it from the people around me, but there's this mental disconnect between that and the person I see in the mirror. I fit into smaller pants and my measurements shrink, but my waist still looks the same size (though one side of my stomach is bigger than the other, apparently I have some scar tissue or something holding my left side at a little bit larger around the stomach). I think this is one of my biggest struggles in regards to motivation. So now that I'm approximately five months out, I'd like to take a minute for myself to outline what I think are the good and the bad that I've experienced from this surgery and from my journey over the past five months. Good: - Moving down from size 28 tight pants to size 22 slightly tight pants - Hearing my coworker tell me today that I look like half of the person I used to be and that I now have a baby face - Being told by my boyfriend that from the back waist up I look like I was never heavy to begin with, supposedly I now have a thin frame - Having my mom notice that you can see my cheek bones - Not being out of breath when trying to keep up with my classmates - Having my smaller scrubs be too big and baggy - Having my boyfriend be able to wrap his arms almost all the way around me (like almost back to himself) - Having a boyfriend who is amazing (Yes, I attribute meeting him to the confidence I gained after surgery) - Being able to walk up flights of stairs without being winded - Being able to shave my legs without feeling like I'm doing some weird acrobatics - Every time I realize something new fits - Being able to sit next to someone on a bus and not feel like they are crossing their fingers I don't sit next to them - Having a ton of extra length on my seatbelt - Realizing I have collar bones and bones in my shoulders - Being able to see the bones/tendons in my hands - Having my rings fit every finger - Feeling like people look at me instead of through me - Not feeling like the largest person in every room - Hitting the high end of projected weight loss by my doctor and still continuing to lose - Not seeing a 3 on the beginning number of the scale - Having lost something like 20% body fat according to my scale - Not having to clear my plate out of anxiety at social settings - Being cold at night instead of sweating my butt off (I prefer blankets to fans) - Not feeling like the first thing people see is my weight - Feeling comfortable enough in my body to have sex with the lights on and no covers - Being able to reach my toes without doing weird bending manuvers - Being able to paint my toenails - The relief of not being at imminent risk of diabetes at 25 - Being able to fit in the bathroom stall and not always having to seek out the handicapped one - The periods of increased confidence - Feeling like I am moving on in my life Bad: - Hormonal imbalances - increases in mood swings, neediness, clingyness, irritability - Saggy skin - Lack of motivation to: Work out, take vitamins, get in protein - I struggle daily to fight my noncompliance - Fatigue (Probably related in part to intermittent compliance with vitamins and protein) - Anxiety related to the possibility of ever gaining the weight back - Alcoholism could easily become a problem - I have to stay away from it completely - Dealing with feelings rather than being able to turn to food for comfort So the goods obviously outweigh the bads by far. And many of the downsides are either related to mental health issues that were already present and have started to reoccur or lack of compliance with my plan. I have tried to start schedules for myself and that's one of the things I will be working on with my therapist. I have always had issues with compliance - and the biggest thing I need to do is make sure that I get all of my medicines and vitamins in, because I feel 110% better when I do. So my New Years resolutions will include: - Setting a day out every month to increase my compliance through scheduling, setting short term goals, and recognizing where my weaknesses have been - Increasing my exercise - Tracking my protein - Not allowing myself to justify that bad foods are ok because I can only have 2 bites anyway (2 bites four times a week still adds up) That was kind of long and rambley. Anyway, I hope that it helps others who might be looking into this and have some of the same mental health issues to maybe understand what it's like on the other side so that maybe they can prepare a little better and be able to manage some of the barriers to health better than I have.

Its so stupid how being at my parents house and seeing them so old and frail can trigger me into some serious emotional eating. Of course we cant eat a lot but I actually grazed yesterday for the first time since surgery. Had protein meals,that was fine but I ate the following that I shouldnt have: Crisps-about 10,a slither of milktart,twice!10 mini crackers with a pate on it and not little bit of pate,a lot. A piece of quiche that had a flakey crust,which I ate.Dont have an idea what my cals were. This holiday sucks so far.There was a crisis with the caregiver of my 82 year old diabetic uncle ( he's got senile dementia as well)My folks are old themselves but had to take him in for now,you cant abandon an old person to a old age facility just before christmas,that would just not be right.Problem is he need constant care and sits and sleep all day and was up all night making a huge racket.I sleep on a sleeper couch in the lounge (folks are in retirement village and mom freaks out if I want to stay somewhere else) so I am TIRED and get very little sleep.I am cleaning like mad as all the domestic servants go on holiday in December which I think is rediculous as they are not believers and dont celebrate christmas,which is a religious holiday as far as Im concerned. Thank goodness I am leaving on Sunday for Cape Town.But then it is the crazy inlaws.Luckely I insisted on staying in a hotel apartment so I will have my own space and can get away when I need to. It is just so sad to see the family getting so old.Even sadder to see how little time working folks have for themselves and others. But the point remains that I cannot allow myself to feel so guilty about my life and feel so bad for them that my only response is eating.Life will be full of challenging situations in the future.My coping skills will have to change if I want to keep my weight down. Will post my weight when I can get to a scale a little later.

Well ladies and gentlemen the time has finally come. My insurance company finally approved me. I guess this is my early Christmas gift, and what a gift it is. Can you say excited.com.org.net.... I will have my surgery sometime in January which is even better. New year New Me. Happy Holiday's all and I will be posting updates soon.

GOT 2CC IN MY 10CC BAND TODAY. I AM SO EXCITED AND GET ANOTHER ONE IN 3 WEEKS I KNOW THIS JOURNEY IS FOR LIFE AND LOOK FORWARD TO THE "NEW AND IMPROVED " ME. POSTED THIS , JUST BECAUSE

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Immediately after arriving I realized it will be a battle to get through this week without eating off plan,just because of the way my family eats. My mom and sister have gained a lot of weight since I saw them in July.Sis because she had bilateral foot ops and cannot walk properly and mom because she is so stubborn.She needs knee replacement and Have issues with her foot after a failed surgery. They both know that for them it is the little calorie additions that makes them gain weight.They've never been very fat like I was but they both lost quite a bit of weight with mindful eating.Cutting all the extra unneccessary calories.For instance. When I offered to make tea they all wanted juice.And not little glasses of juice,huge ones.They also joked around about still being hungry after lunch,hauling out a christmas cake and eating huge pieces of it.I know they are a little self concious about trhe fact that I have lost so much weight.But they once again try to make out as if it happens by itself and I am so lucky! Nothing to do with luck.I dont eat the junk they do.Not even in small portions.of course I will eat when we go out but I dont have coke or juice with it and I dont have to have a dessert anymore every time I eat.I NOW CHOOSE WHAT I EAT AND ALMOST FORGOT YESTERDAY that I CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE. Love them but this is not going to be easy.I have to not try and tell them both that they will walk easier if they dont gain in fact lose 20 pounds each.It is not my business and I will not make it mine.I just feel so sorry for them when I see them struggle to walk. Anyhoo,will go shopping for food that is good food and seems a little holiday like,for them as well as myself.Things they dont buy for themselves.They will enjoy that.I cannot feel guilty for being thinner than them either.They make their own choices.But it is the first time in 25 years that they are heavier than me and boy there was a lot of clowining around about it yesterday.Made me feel embarrased and shy again. Well,lets see how this day goes!

I suppose being up for longer than 36 hours is not very helpful when making food choices. I had half a crossant on the plane.Then a piece of chicken for lunch (good girl) but for dinner they were having fish and chips and I had about 7 chips and a too big piece of fish.I dont slime or anything.I start getting pain and then the food just keeps coming back up in my mouth. This should be a lesson today.I need to be aware and not make stupid choices I will regret later. Tomorrow,I will just have a carb free day.Will go and buy some chicken and smeat balls and satay kebabs that I can just keep on hand to eat when I need to. Will update i. The afternoons to keep me accountable.

I think I've got this thing about "dumping" with the sleeve. Let me explain.I think I've been eating relatively low carb recently.And I say I think as I am not tracking my carbs,just checking my protein intake more or less every day.But I have not had any added carbs this week except green peppers and onions.Tonight I had a bit of TGI friday spinach and artichoke dip with some veal strips.During the day I had some chicken strips and some beef strips.Had 2 Dolchi gusto cappucinos.And then tonight I decided to have some Amarula liqeur.Its like Baileys. I took one sip and bam,I started feeling hot,nauseas,palpitations,feeling like I had to visit the toilet,felt absolutely aweful.Early post op I had a couple of incidents like this when I would eat some sugar or fat for that matter.But lately I would have a cookie if I wanted or ok,I sont really do sugar at all anymore really.The cookie would be it.Mind you I've had some caramel popcorn and I was fine. But I think sometimes my carbs are just not that low and then the added sugar (like in the popcorn) doesnt affect me at all,makes me super tired but thats it. I think when I am quite low carb and busy dropping weight fast,I cannot do sugar or a lot of fat.I think the Amarula like the Baileys have got cream in it and lots of sugar and boy did I feel sick from a tiny sip.I can drink a jin and tonic once in a while and if I sip it slowly and nurse it all night,I am fine. So,sugary drinks,just like anything else sugary is now off limits.Thinking about it,I shouldnt really drink the tonic either as it is carbonated and even if you stir out all the gas,there is still some left. One thing I am sure of.Alcohol will not be a problem in my future as it is as unappealing most of the time as ice cream,and I use to eat a pint of that per night pre-op. You live,you learn.