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almost four months out from my sleeve. started at a size 20/22. went shopping this last weekend, as my pants were literally falling off. took a size 14 into the dressing room "just to see". when they fit, i looked at myself in the mirror and said, "shut the front door". someone in the dressing room next to me laughed. i know size is not everything but for some reason being able to wear a size 14 jean is AMAZING!!!!! have not been this size in over twelve years. my knees/ankles no longer hurt. i am able to give my children tight squeezes. i caught my husband looking at me the other day. literally, staring at me with that look in his eyes. for those on the fence regarding this surgery, you need to have this surgery. yes, there are times when it blows, BUT the times when it rocks greatly outweigh the negatives. thanks to everyone who post questions/comments on this website. to know there are others out there experiencing the same feelings/emotions is such a great comfort. happy holidays!

Things are getting to crunch time and I have some major issues that have definitely been relived. First and foremost, I was afraid to have a drainage tube and catheter. I was able to ask my surgeon about this directly and he assured me I won't have either. He went on to explain that usually the tubes are for patients with much higher BMIs for safety reasons. Thank goodness. I am now at the home stretch. I know I am going to be kicking screaming on my way in there but dammit I'm going in there in less than 48 hours and I'm coming out a new woman. Pray for me everyone!

I decided that Christmas is the best time to treat myself to a new outfit that fits my new size. I also am going to the in-laws and have not seen most of these people in year, so I want to knock their socks off. I knew I wanted something out of my comfort zone, and I did. It was fun to know that I could go into any shop in the mall and find clothes that fit me for the first time in my life. Even though I felt overwhelmed by all the options. I now understand how young girls and thin people can spend so much time shopping for the right outfit. I also know that I have no sense of fashion, so I asked for help. What an eye opening experience. I have not completed by journey but this sure was a fun NSV, and I am going to look fabulous at the in-laws I hope each of you treat yourself to a new Christmas outfit that fits your new thinner you.

It is 2 weeks post-op and all is well!! I feel good. My incisions are healing up nicely and the soreness is pretty much gone. (unless I bend over to far) I'm not drinking enough water yet. Getting about 32 ounces in most days. I know it should be more but I get so nauseated with it!! I find that in the morning I can get more down easier. I can drink without the squeezing feeling now. I can't wait till I can get more water down though 'cause it is causing some bathroom issues!! hard ones!! if you know what I mean. I'm still trying to keep a sensitive awareness for Minnie to tell me when she's full. I do good and sometimes when I let myself get to hungry, I don't listen as soon as I should. Bad habits take over and I have to re-organize my thoughts. I honestly wasn't prepared for the emotional struggle being so strong. I knew it would be here and head hunger is real! Food plays/ed such and important part of my life. I truly thought that learning new recipies and balancing a healthy diet that my family as well as myself can eat would be the bigger challenge. I felt that if I could just put enough energy into cooking recipes that were tasty and fitting for us all I would be fine. And for the most part I am. BUT there are times when the emotions get all fired up and what I used to sooth them in the past just doesn't work anymore. It's like someone changed the passcode and I can't get to my feel good area!! Frustrating and It's definitaly a work in progress. Thank God I have great support of family and friends. I will take this time to warn everyone about having a love affair with the bathroom scale!! I loved my scale from the moment I got home from the hospital!! I made sure we saw each other frequently and the feeling was mutal. Until day 5!! Not sure what happened on day 5 BUT our relationship took a dive!! It said I gained a pound and then on day 6 it said I gained another!!! FREAK! Not sure why, I was doing everything by the book!! I was already on the break of the emotional reality of having to change my coping mechanisms and then this!!!! WHY? WHY?? Alas, I went through this torture for 2 days only to realize at 11pm on day 7 that my scale was playing cruel jokes on me!! Yes, I could stand on different areas of the scale and the weight changed each time. it went down 3 pounds or up 3 pounds!! just depended on where I stood!! LOL I could have died! All that turmoil for nothing!! So I ended my love affair with my scale. We have broken up for good! I don't know what I've really lost since surgery and won't know until tomorrow when I go for my check up with my doctor!! hrmph! I start my mushie food tomorrow and am very excited!! I did have an egg scrambled today and I can't say enough how good that was!! I know, I know, it was a day early and now I'm little nervous that I did something bad. BUT Minnie did just fine and didnt' hurt or anything soo I'm praying that means all is well. Will blog tomorrow to let you know the results. Oh and ALL I could get in was 1 egg.... Merry Christmas Oh and I can't wait to drive again!! I need to do some secret christmas shopping!!

Immediately after arriving I realized it will be a battle to get through this week without eating off plan,just because of the way my family eats. My mom and sister have gained a lot of weight since I saw them in July.Sis because she had bilateral foot ops and cannot walk properly and mom because she is so stubborn.She needs knee replacement and Have issues with her foot after a failed surgery. They both know that for them it is the little calorie additions that makes them gain weight.They've never been very fat like I was but they both lost quite a bit of weight with mindful eating.Cutting all the extra unneccessary calories.For instance. When I offered to make tea they all wanted juice.And not little glasses of juice,huge ones.They also joked around about still being hungry after lunch,hauling out a christmas cake and eating huge pieces of it.I know they are a little self concious about trhe fact that I have lost so much weight.But they once again try to make out as if it happens by itself and I am so lucky! Nothing to do with luck.I dont eat the junk they do.Not even in small portions.of course I will eat when we go out but I dont have coke or juice with it and I dont have to have a dessert anymore every time I eat.I NOW CHOOSE WHAT I EAT AND ALMOST FORGOT YESTERDAY that I CAN ALWAYS CHOOSE. Love them but this is not going to be easy.I have to not try and tell them both that they will walk easier if they dont gain in fact lose 20 pounds each.It is not my business and I will not make it mine.I just feel so sorry for them when I see them struggle to walk. Anyhoo,will go shopping for food that is good food and seems a little holiday like,for them as well as myself.Things they dont buy for themselves.They will enjoy that.I cannot feel guilty for being thinner than them either.They make their own choices.But it is the first time in 25 years that they are heavier than me and boy there was a lot of clowining around about it yesterday.Made me feel embarrased and shy again. Well,lets see how this day goes!

When we are little we believe that anything is possible-- santa can visit every house in one night, the tooth fairy brings us money for our teeth, the Easter bunny, ect. As little kids we see the world full of wonderful possibilities just waiting for us. However, as we grow we begin to loose the rose colored glasses and become jaded by the reality of the world we live in. Happily ever after doesn't exist and things aren't always perfect- now I am not say things can't be good because they can be, but not every moment of every day and not every relationship is perfect all the time. As a kid I never imagined I would become so large. I was so small until I turned 5. As I began to gain weight I would ask my mom sometimes why I was fat. She would just say I would grow out of it, after all my cousin did. I accepted that and went on. Well puberty came and went as did the teen years and I was still fat. I never grew out of it. What I didn't know is that my cousin put forth a great deal of effort in her preteens to shed the weight- all I knew was that she went from fat to skinny in what seemed like a summer and became a beautiful girl. That wasn't to be my story. Now that I have admitted that I have a food problem and needed help, got banded and begun my journey- it is hard to belive I will ever reach my goal. The first 5 months the weight seemed to fly off 45 lbs- awesome, but now the loss has slowed almost plateaued and I find myself begining to worry that I may never reach my elusive dream weight (140). I know that I should believe in myself, my band, my doctor and nutritionist, but it's hard when every other attempt I have made to loose weight has failed. Realistically I know it is different this time, I am not on a diet with a fixed end date, I am changing my life style one day at a time. I am making new habits, healthy ones that in time I hope will stick. Some things have been easy like giving up pop (soda), not drinking with meals, drinking water, even eating less at a meal. Some things though haven't been as easy, letting go of my salty snack of party mix (that stuff is addictive and it is my major weakness), not baking so I won't eat the sweets, not eating steak (just doesn't work well with my band). Slowly, but surely I am making a change to a better way of life that in time hopefully will become habit. However, there is still that little voice of insecurity in the back of my head saying you won't do it, you will gain all that weight back, you are destine to be a fat girl forever (insert menacing laugh here)!! I fight every day to squash that voice and to believe that I will make it. After all I have lost 45 lbs and I am moving more and eating less. So for now I am going to keep saying I believe in me, until I do!!

My mother says I have never been very patient, I was even born a month early. I believe the reason I have never been successful at weight loss was my lack of patience. Most of you can likely sympathize with working really hard to lose weight and after a couple weeks only a pound or half pound and finally you say forget it where is the pizza. This has been the case with me each time. With the band it has been different. My bandversary is Dec. 22 and will be 6 months. As of right now I am 45 lbs down and feeling good. Of course I wish I was down more. I have tried to be realistic in these months and eat healthy, but not totally limit myself from things I love, because I know that isn't possible to do forever. Therefore, I will highly restrict myself with things that I know aren't the best for me. For the last two months though my weight loss has slowed. Last month I only lost 2 lbs and so far this month only 2. I have started back working out and counting my calories to make sure I am using more calories than I am taking in. At one point I had a goal of getting to the 160's by April 1st. My husband and I are taking a trip to Disney, I've never been and my husband hasn't since he was a kid, so we are excited to get away. However, it's Dec. 13th and I am sitting at 199, which is great - finally below 200- but I do not thing it is possible loose 40 lbs in 4 months or rather possible for me. My first month I lost 20 lbs, after that it slowed and my best month since was 8 lbs lost, which was Oct. I do not want to discourage myself my setting a goal that is likely unattainable. So, I have decided that I am going to stay on the lapband path taking one step at the time and I will reach my final goal of 140's when I do- it may be a year from now, but I will get there. I must keep my motivation up and stay strong. During the holidays I must admit I am finding it harder that before. Last night I made 4 batches of snickerdoodle party mix- my hubby had a work Christmas party today and wanted me to make it. So, I made it. I sent him to work with half of it and I bagged up the remainder and gave it to coworkers as gifts - after all if they gain a weight it will just make me look smaller (evil I know- jk). I do not want to tempt myself with treats that are not healthy. For once in my life I want to give my body what it needs rather than what it wants!!

I think we all either have or will run into bumps in the lapband journey and we will all handle them in our own way. I was banded June 22- the first week of Dec. I hit 199- Onederland- after starting at 244. The month of Nov. I only lost 2 lbs. and I fear Dec will be the same. My doctor says that isn't really a plateau and to not stress about it, easy for his 130 lbs runners body to say. Granted, I haven't worked out must this last month. I have been busy with work (new system), getting ready for Christmas, Christmas parties and get togethers, and general household duties. I know there should be no excuses. However, when I get up at 5 am and and I don't stop going until 8:30 pm, that is all my body can give. As soon as my butt hits the chair I am asleep. Yesterday, it all caught up to me. Saturday night after our dinner party my head started hurting. I went to bed about 10 with it killing me. Woke of at midnight thinking I was going to have to go to the ER. I got some advil and took some. Woke up at 2 still killing me, but no worse. Again same thing at 5 and 6. I ended up not getting out of bed till noon. After that I felt groggy and like I'd been hit by a freight train. My hubs pointed out that maybe I needed the rest after running at such a rate for the last month and a half. Today I am better, but frustrated. My weight is stalled in the 199-200 zone. I do weight daily, which I know many say don't do, but I track my trends. Since Dec. 2 my weight has been bouncing between 199.2 and 200.8. I have started back counting calories in the last week and my calorie counts daily stay between 1150 and 1300, most days closer to the 1200 mark. My fit bit says I am buring some where around 2000 calories a day so I should be losing around 1 lb a week at the least. But, I'm not. I am staying still. I went to the doctor last week and it appears my thyroid is slightly off. I am going back this week to discuss meds. WTH- my thyroid wasn't off before surgery how the heck is it off now. No more than my thyroid is off my doctor says that shouldn't be causing a weight issue. All this has gotten me down and frustrated and made all my fears resurface. Have I lost all I will loose? Am I destined to always be the fat chick? Can I do this? Am I failing my band? What am I doing wrong? Am I going to gain all my weight back? I am freaking out right now. I want this so bad, but when I am doing what I suppose to (eating less moving more) and not losing I get so discouraged.

hey everyone :0) did my second weigh in....down 6 more lbs! excited, but not feelin' so hot after tryin' to advance my diet to more regular food....seems my belly isn't wanting to cooperate :0( came home sick from work today & gonna' take the next two off....droppin' back to the broth & cream of wheat for a couple days for a break....time will tell...hope eveyone is doin' well! :0)

Well,178,7 tonight with clothes,heavy pants.This morning it was 177,9 and I decided the scale must be wrong.Weighed just now with all my clothes after a gr8 dinner (a bit carby though) and it was still down.Went inside and decided to strip off the heavy clothes (I always weigh before having a bath after undressing) and low and behold,it is 177.5. Who will ever understand the way we lose? 12.5 pounds to goal even though I still seem to have a lot of fat all over.Will get down to 154 where I know I look "not fat" anymore. Now,we actually weigh in kilograms.This means I am 80,7 and the long awaited 70's,just around the corner.This will be a huge huge milestone for me.In 1992 I doubled my body weight in one year.(lots of trauma and depression that followed,coupled with an addiction) I completely missed the 70's and ended up 120kg's before I knew it.I was way too thin at 60kg's and had a BMI of 17 at that point. Now,a BMI of 23 seems perfect to me as I look good at about 72kg's. Boy,I would just love to be under 80 before we go on holiday the 18th. I still cant believe this sleeve works so well and sometimes really wish the sleeve could just stay this size and I could never eat more food,ever again.