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Do you admit when you are struggling? Or eat wrong? Or over eat? Or do you just hide it?? I feel like I have been successful at my weight loss, I’ve lost 75 pounds in 10 months and I’m at goal. But, was I an A student the whole time? NO! I slipped more than once during my journey. I had nights where I munched on peanuts and chocolate chips, didn’t measure them out so I have no idea how much I truly ate. I also had times when I ate more carbohydrates than protein and times when I ate so fast that I was PBing my food back up. What I did do was be honest with myself. I tried to log everything in my food journal (I had to estimate some things). And I got back on the saddle as soon as possible. Perfection is not required for success; my doctor told me if I could give 80% I would see results. And I did see results. So to all of you struggling know that for every success story you read there are behind the scenes struggles, too.

When we are little we believe that anything is possible-- santa can visit every house in one night, the tooth fairy brings us money for our teeth, the Easter bunny, ect. As little kids we see the world full of wonderful possibilities just waiting for us. However, as we grow we begin to loose the rose colored glasses and become jaded by the reality of the world we live in. Happily ever after doesn't exist and things aren't always perfect- now I am not say things can't be good because they can be, but not every moment of every day and not every relationship is perfect all the time. As a kid I never imagined I would become so large. I was so small until I turned 5. As I began to gain weight I would ask my mom sometimes why I was fat. She would just say I would grow out of it, after all my cousin did. I accepted that and went on. Well puberty came and went as did the teen years and I was still fat. I never grew out of it. What I didn't know is that my cousin put forth a great deal of effort in her preteens to shed the weight- all I knew was that she went from fat to skinny in what seemed like a summer and became a beautiful girl. That wasn't to be my story. Now that I have admitted that I have a food problem and needed help, got banded and begun my journey- it is hard to belive I will ever reach my goal. The first 5 months the weight seemed to fly off 45 lbs- awesome, but now the loss has slowed almost plateaued and I find myself begining to worry that I may never reach my elusive dream weight (140). I know that I should believe in myself, my band, my doctor and nutritionist, but it's hard when every other attempt I have made to loose weight has failed. Realistically I know it is different this time, I am not on a diet with a fixed end date, I am changing my life style one day at a time. I am making new habits, healthy ones that in time I hope will stick. Some things have been easy like giving up pop (soda), not drinking with meals, drinking water, even eating less at a meal. Some things though haven't been as easy, letting go of my salty snack of party mix (that stuff is addictive and it is my major weakness), not baking so I won't eat the sweets, not eating steak (just doesn't work well with my band). Slowly, but surely I am making a change to a better way of life that in time hopefully will become habit. However, there is still that little voice of insecurity in the back of my head saying you won't do it, you will gain all that weight back, you are destine to be a fat girl forever (insert menacing laugh here)!! I fight every day to squash that voice and to believe that I will make it. After all I have lost 45 lbs and I am moving more and eating less. So for now I am going to keep saying I believe in me, until I do!!

Cause I kicked it all out! I went to my PCP today for a follow up on my high blood pressure. When I was banded I was on 3 different medicines to control it. About 3 months ago my PCP took me off the last one and said we will monitor your pressure and see how you do. I was so proud of myself, for the last three months I have posted how I went from 3 meds to no meds… Well, today my doctor put me back on one of the meds at half the dosage. I was so disappointed in myself. I felt like I had failed, that NSV pulled right out from under me. I wanted to cry. I pouted all the way home. I know this is something that is not in my control. Everyone in my family has high blood pressure (the skinny ones too) and I know this could be genetic. But, dang it feels like I went backwards. To make myself feel better I went shopping for new pajamas. Mine where too big and the pants would fall off me as I slept (hubby didn’t mine this). Anyway, I got me some cute new PJs. See! Now time to put all my sand back in my sandbox. Thanks for listening.

So its been exactly 3 weeks since my surgery and I'm doing great. I've lost about 20 lbs in 21 days and Dr. says I'm right on track. I feel as normal as I did before surgery now, I have my full energy, and I'm able to eat mushy foods and allowed beverages with no nausea (I've never had any nausea anyay). I pulled a pair of Levi's out of the closet, ones that I could fit into 2 years ago, and they fit again. In fact, they're a little baggy. It's a great feeling and I can definately see a big change in the size of my face and feet. I have to say that I've followed my Dr's diet to the T: only soup with no chunks and milk-like consistency, water, and some diet drinks (non-carbonated) for the first 2 weeks after surgery. By the time day 15 came around I would have killed for a solid piece of food. Biggest issues now are continuing to get 60oz of water in each day, and practicing eating small bites and chewing completely. As for the water, its not just the Dr telling me to drink it, but I've known for a long time that drinking to stay hydrated is good for anyone. The difference with the sleeve is that I have to sip water throughout the day. With the smaller stomach, I can't just wait til evening to start then try guzzling a quart of water. Plus, I'm a kidney stone factory and they say staying hydrated is one of the best thing you can do for preventing stones. Saturday was my first experience with overeating with the sleeve. I'm finding that I must eat every 2-3 hours. If not, I get too hungry. I was at Jason's Deli and ordered the Tomato Basil soup and a small amout of hummus from the salad bar. But as I sat down to eat, I was concentrating so much on relieving my hunger that I forgot about eating slowly and chewing completely. Mistake! I began sweating, got a nauseous,dizzy feeling and a heartburn like sensation but without the burning. The feeling left in 5-10 minutes, and I thought I'd learned my lesson. Well, not so easy. This is one that I'll have to work on. more soon... Joe P.S. Thank God insurance is covering most of this. Bill from hospital arrived today... $46,000 !!

Saw my doctor early this am who said I can start on liquids! If I could tolerate I could go home after lunch. For breakfast I took 2 spoons of beef broth but it tasted too salty to me. I drank the apple juice, it slid down easily, a sip at a time. The protein drink provided by the hospital which is a berry flavored, thin, almost juice consistency and a jello. It took me about an hour to get that down. I was determined to tolerate it so I could go home so took it very slowly. at lunch time I was provided the same tray. I took all my regular meds and my prilosec for tummy by mouth. I needed no pain meds since my last puch of the pain pump 24 hours before hand so they went ahead and discontinued my IV. Yea I was free from everything. They advised not to take a shower at hospital since the risk of infection. (you are always safer at home) and it was freezing anyhow. I threw my hair in a pony tail, I looked a hot mess, and put on my sweats and a large loose tshirt. I had been worried maybe my underwear, or bra or pain line would rub on one of my incisions but they did not. My incisions were covered with a dermabond and I could shower but was instructed not to rub. I was home by 3 pm and in the hot shower at 3:10 pm. I was so thankful to be back in my own bed. I watched tv from my recliner and tried out some fluids. For me the first day I was reluctant to attempt protein drinks. they seem thicker, so I started with apple juice, since I had already had it in the hospital. Gatoraide seemed a bit heavy for me that first day also. Still no pain and I was able to fall into my bed and sleep for 4 hours. After being awake every hour at the hospital this seemed like heaven. I continued to burp and hiccup after every drink helping to move gas. That evening I had a cup of chicken broth and kept my juice at the bedside constantly sipping. No pain, No hunger.

So I recieved a call from my plastic surgeon's assistant this morning.... I have my pre op appointment late this afternoon as my tummy tuck and breast lift is next Tuesday.... She wanted to remind me to bring in a picture of how I would like my girls to look after surgery. I told her I found a pic online and will bring it with me. Of course what I didnt tell her was that it was hysterical doing it.... I have never looked at so many breasts in my life... I never realized how weird it was to analyze them, try to imagine how they will look on my body etc... And of course I had to incluide hubby in my quest for the perfect breast.... who really thought it didnt matter as long as I was happy. So he was no help. LOL I narrowed it down to 2 pics of people who had lifts after weight loss, who were over 45, over 5'7 and about 157 lbs..... basically ones I thought looked natural and were about my size and shape... we'll see what the Dr says. One more chapter in this fun journey.....

The closer the day gets, the more anxious I become. 10 days and I will be On my way to a new life. I keep a diary of all my letters to god. Every prayer, every thanks, or when I want to express myself to the man above I simply write it down. Well, as the year is coming to an end I decided to look through my last letters to God and I truly believe this operation is heaven sent. I never realized the pain all this weight was causing me. On a mental level! Of all my prayers, 85% of them were about my weight and me almost complaining to god that he has not answered me. His word says "if you remain in me and my words in you, ask whatever you wish and it shall be given unto you". Well I asked him to help me lose weight. Literally with those words. I didn't know how I was gonna do it, but I trusted god, and though some critics may call it the easy way out, for some of us it was the only way out. Some may not be spiritual, but very surely I tell you, there is a god! Ive prayed and saw my prayers answered time and time again. I've been able to accomplish and do things I could not have done in my own strength and will. I no longer worry about what will happen 10 days from today because as long as I know the man above is the force behind it, nothing can possibly go wrong. My praises will never cease! On my way to a new me!!!!

Today was my first surgeon’s appointment and I have got to say that my surgeon is awesome. He was great to talk to and he was really amazed as to how far I have come to quitting a lot of things already. He believes that I can be very successful in this process. Now I am sure he says that to all his patients but I do believe that I can be successful. After talking with the surgeon I talking with my case manager. Now she is a cool person and she just recently had surgery herself….8 weeks out and she is bubbly and so nice. We talked about my insurance requirements as well as what they expect. In the beginning I thought that my smoking and having to wait 6 months before I can have the surgery was way too far out but seeing my schedule and everything I have to do before it now doesn't seem too far way. I am actually excited now because we are shooting for a May surgery. I was amazed and wondered if my insurance would take a long time but she said that as long as I meet the requirements it shouldn't take long especially since my BMI is 66 and even if I did lose weight I would still be in the range to qualify. So I have my first dietitian appointment on Friday and I meet with the nurse on January 4th to start my 3 month supervised diet. OMG….I am actually in this process and can’t wait to see what is next. I am not going to put a number on how much I want to lose. I want to be able to feel good in my body no matter the number that I lose. And so it begins….