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The closer the day gets, the more anxious I become. 10 days and I will be On my way to a new life. I keep a diary of all my letters to god. Every prayer, every thanks, or when I want to express myself to the man above I simply write it down. Well, as the year is coming to an end I decided to look through my last letters to God and I truly believe this operation is heaven sent. I never realized the pain all this weight was causing me. On a mental level! Of all my prayers, 85% of them were about my weight and me almost complaining to god that he has not answered me. His word says "if you remain in me and my words in you, ask whatever you wish and it shall be given unto you". Well I asked him to help me lose weight. Literally with those words. I didn't know how I was gonna do it, but I trusted god, and though some critics may call it the easy way out, for some of us it was the only way out. Some may not be spiritual, but very surely I tell you, there is a god! Ive prayed and saw my prayers answered time and time again. I've been able to accomplish and do things I could not have done in my own strength and will. I no longer worry about what will happen 10 days from today because as long as I know the man above is the force behind it, nothing can possibly go wrong. My praises will never cease! On my way to a new me!!!!

The moment I say my hair is not falling out anymore,hands full come out. The moment I say eating is now stress free and easy,I have a bad day...lol Today was a bad day and counting the caramel popcorn I had at the movies (went to distract myself,ok,not...to eat popcorn) my calories was about 1500 for the day I believe.Wont know as I dcided not to track today. That was at lunch time and of course it did trigger a worm in my head.For dinner I tried to be good,had 3oz of turkey breast and capsicum but an hour later I found some chicken livers my housekeeper had made with perri-peri and onions and I ate about another 3oz of that.Then I was on a roll.But,I stopped myself and have had 3 huge cups of tea with milk since then. Funny thing is Stress really gets to me these days where as before the surgery I was tough.Really tough.My kids nearly fainted when they saw me cry a month or so after surgery as I am not,or was not,the crying type,ever! I live thousands of miles from my family and when things go wrong there with one of them I feel so isolated and powerless.but what bugs me more is that I have physical symptoms that I can only think is stress.I am not sick but have a huge fever blister on my lip.My back and face for that matter have broken out in acne-like pimples...I look like a teenager at the moment. Of course before we go home we always groom ourselves a lot and pretend we always look like this...hehehe.This time though,I am full of pimples,a fever blister,my nails are as short as they've ever been so no nice french manicure and my bras just dont fit.I am now a size 38 C cup but the problem is with a C cup the bit under the arm is too narrow to hide the jelly bits on the side of the boobs and under the arm so I either have to wear a bra that is floppy in the cup or one which makes the jelly bits show.I have gone out and bought an insame amount of clothes just because I am stressed about everyone seeing me for the first time.Stupid isnt it? I have also developed this crazy pain between my shoulder blades and I am sure it is because my boobs are hanging the way they do.My little kid tells me my back looks like a moon so I've been looking for those posture support thingies.Problem is "due to higene issues madam" one cannot fit them and I dont have a clue which size I should buy.Also"due to higene issues madam" you are not allowed to return it. Tomorrow I will smell the roses.My little kid is coming back from camp (was a little lost without her) and my friend from Perth is coming for a quick visit.I have taken control of my overly busy schedule.Have dumped the project of bringing a couple of guys that are on the streets in Brazil since been released from prison back to SA before christmas on someone elses shoulders (I will still donate the tickets) and the women I look after here in prison will have to wait till monday for a visit. I also suppose I shouldnt use this blog as a sound board but should start up a diary again...lol.However,I do plan on reading this in the future when I struggle and posting some stressors on here now might help me handle future stressors and eating issues that might go with that.I will then have no excuses as this have been a super stressful year and people often say,life happened and I started regaining because of stress,yada,yada,yada! No excuses ok? No regains! No slipping back into bad habits because of life.Life is happening now too and one bad day will not kill me as long as I take control again the next day. Should try and sleep more though as it is one thing I am not controlling very well.I almost never get to bed before 2:00am and that is bad for the weight loss.So,gallas,going to bed now.

I've been a blog-hoppin fool the past few days... and wow, I've just learned so much. You know, after years of Weight Watchers & other yo-yo dieting, you get to a point where you feel like you just really do know it all. We don't, of course, but it sure feels that way. I am a bit of an over-achiever when it comes to sitting in a *classroom* of any sort. I've never been the type to slink into the back row and try to stay unnoticed. Oh, I have good intentions, really I do... but the leader/teacher always always ends up asking a question that no one can answer.. and there I am, raising my little over-zealous hand like that kid you wanted to smack in grade school. "Ooh Ooh MEEEE... Pick MEEEE, I have the answer!!" Because once you've been through a year of WW meetings, the questions start to repeat themselves. And when you go for a year & quit, only to start again 3 years later, you learn that the exact same discussions are still being had. Because, for real... this ain't rocket science, folks. Eat less + move more = lose weight. It's just that simple, right? That's what we've always been taught. "Drink a full cup of water before your meal so you aren't as hungry!" "When you get the urge to snack, go brush your teeth!" "No eating after 6:00 pm!!" "Never go grocery shopping on an empty stomach!" These words of wisdom often come from people who have been through a major weight loss, but sometimes... sometimes they come from jerks well-meaning friends who think we don't know all of this. Like we just rolled off the Twinkie truck 100lbs overweight with visions of pot roast dancing around our heads. In reality, overweight people are often the most well-educated when it comes to living a healthy lifestyle. We've researched it, we've planned for it, we've implemented each and every tip & trick known to man - time and time again. But the part they don't often scream from the rooftops, the part we had to learn on our own... THIS. IS. HARD. I'll be beginning my newly banded life in two short days. And yes, it will be hard. But I'm going to hang on to one nugget of wisdom... one reminding whisper.. It will be WORTH it.

If I could figure out how to post a pic from the iPad I would show you....I don't think I have ever had a pair of pants that had two buttons... Evidentially my daughter tells me they are low rise and that's the way they are supposed to be... Who knew? LOL. I am finding out all kinds of new things as life as a thin person.....

Kind of a sucky day for me because I was told by my surgeon that the pre-op diet was to begin 1 week prior to surgery.. Get a call yesterday evening, and of course they made a mistake, and it's 2 weeks prior. Needless to say, I had to officially begin this morning on liquids. I wasn't even mentally prepared for this. I had made plans to go have my "last meals" this weekend, as I love pizza and Olive Garden and knew they would probably never taste the same again. They also restricted tea and coffee, but as I arrived to work this morning, I could smell the Keurig brewing and I just couldn't resist. Yes I had a cup of coffee .. Already off to a bad start. I ended up going to buy a 1.5 liter of water so that I can drink to the point of fullness so as to ward off the hunger pains today.. gonna be a long 13 days ahead of me... Sucks

I'm new to VST, but definitely am ready to share this amazing experience. I decided to have the sleeve in September of 2012. I've gone through 3 months of nutrition, psych evaluation, and an endoscopy. My surgery was approved this past Monday and my surgery date is set for December 20th. Boy I'm nervous. Needed a few forums for some extra motivating support (VST did not let me down!)... I'm from Carson, CA and my surgeon is in Beverly Hills, Dr. Feiz to be exact. It was a smooth, but confusing process. Finally got after 2nd review because AETNA said, even though my BMI is over 40, the photos don't appear to make me look like surgery is needed.. What?? Are you serious right now? Anywho, the small battle is over. The real war starts Dec 20th. Looking forward to my new relationship with VST and I pray this journey is one of peace, fulfillment, and most of all enjoyment! xTia

Since I had such great results at my weigh-in on Monday, I decided to weigh myself again on Tuesday... gained a pound (almost). In hopes of seeing the scale go back down, I weighed myself again on Wednesday... gained another pound (almost). Starting to worry, I weighed myself again today... gained ANOTHER pound (almost) In 3 days I GAINED almost 3 pounds! WHAT THE!?! I was seriously concerned that maybe I was doing something wrong so I called my bariatric doctor's office and spoke with the nurse... who told me some information that made me feel like I was able to eat far too much soup/protein shakes at a sitting. She said she was surprised I hadn't thrown up or felt uncomfortable. I told her I haven't had any problems at all and don't feel overly hungry ever or overly full either. She decided to have the nutritionist give me a call. First off, she told me STOP weighing myself daily. I knew this but was concerned after I gained at only a couple weeks post-op. She said that it is physically impossible for me to gain 3 pounds in 3 days and that it had to be water weight. Cool. Good to know! I haven't heard many say they gained so early on. It really had me freaking out! She also moved my diet from Stage 2 foods to Stage 3 foods. It is CRAZY how many choices I have now just moving to this stage. It is almost fun to plan my meals and making sure they are balanced. I can't wait to be able to make the same things I eat for my kids too. My sleeve can hold 3-5oz she said. For EVERY meal I need 1 oz protein, 1 oz fruit or vegetable and 1 oz starch. No more soup or protein shakes for meals. I got my pep in my step back! I hope the scale moves in my favor next time I weigh in!

My breath is absolutely horrible!!! My mom calls it "ketosis breath". It's bad! I can't wait for the bad breath to go away! I hope it will be soon!!!

Today I wish I was normal.Not only thin normal but not ADD or OCD and not I wish that I could take medication to "fix" me! All I wanted to do today was eat,all day long!I couldnt stop thinking about food for a minute.It was one of those me me me me days that I just hate. And I wish I lived in a country where it wasnt such a mission to find a therapist that is going to stay put.But we are all expats,habitual movers! Once I found a pill,for 2 weeks..lol.I went to my gp and said I am sick of myself and need something.He yanked a sample of Cymbalta out of his drawer and said try this and see me in 2 weeks,remember it only works after 10 days.After exactly 24 hours I knew that was what normal felt like.I was calm.My OCD was gone,my mind started focussing for the first time EVER!Didint have a 100 tracts playing in the head all at once!I could drive a car without it being a competition to see who wins,I could deal with life without the impending sense of doom and having to tell myself a million times a day that everything is fine,nothing to worry about.I slept a full night for the first time in my life and most important,my fear of people all but disappeared. Then my kidneys function started being affected but I couldnt care less.After 10 days I could hardly walk but happy as I have ever been.Said they would have to wressle the little suckers out of my stone cold hand after my death.He just didnt give me a perscription and that was the end of that! Lol I have been a born again Christian for 15 years now and the Lord have really changed me since then.But I am still me and non of the things I have considered very important like the above mentioned,have changed.I suppose there were so many other things that needed change that this might not even have made the list.I really love the Lord and I know He loves me but boy I wish He would renew my mind more! But He clearly has a plan for my life.And He clearly smiles patiently upon me when I tell Him to hurry up and change me more NOW! Accepting ourself,warts and all, might be so important in a successful future with the sleeve.I am blessed beyond measure in so many aspects of life that I should be able to say its ok to be me.Its ok to not be perfect,its ok! Well,it is the middle of the night now and close to my bed time.Tomorrow,or just now..hehehe...is a new day.I can put this one behind me,live just for the new one,not worry about the future and breathe. God is good all the time and maybe I dont really need that pill.

It is interesting to see how little I really eat.Also will be interesting to see what the scale does when I get back home. We are staying in a hotel and we have breakfast included.This is what I ate.Half a soft boiled egg,.25 of a arabic flat bread,about half an once of brie cheese,one teaspoon of hummus,half a slice of deli beef.A cappucino before I ate. Then at 12:00 2 pieces of beef jerky.At 2:30 we ordered lunch.I ordered a beef burger that looked so great I told the kids to get the camera,Im going to eat the whole thing...lol.Well,I ate .25 of the hamburger patty because I first saw some lettuce leaves with a little balsamico and I had to eat that.At 17:30 we decided to have a pina quilada in the sea while gently rocking on our chairs in the water.This made me so nauseous I am still recovering...lol.Also a bit giggly as I still havent learnt to stop after half a drink which would have been just enough.Now there is a international buffet my family wants to go to and I will have to see what I can eat. The thing is I am totally HOOKED on protein pancakes.It is so crazy!I miss them so much when I cant have it.It like a meal,protein and pudding all in one for me and I just love them! Tis stupid scale at the hotel weighed me 3 pounds heavier than my home scale just whe we arrived and of course this makes me paranoid.Hope it isnt right though I doubt it. We went on the boat today with the kids on the tube.Tomorrow we will go and snorkel ar Dibba rock and then join the kids for a joy ride on the banana tube just to show how brave mom's gotten. We played badmington on the beach for a long long time and my energy is endless now. Life is so different now that i am so much lighter.I dont sit and watch everyone do the fun things any more,I participate in every thing there is to do. I cannot wait to go skiing some time early next year. More than anything I cannot wait to lose this last 30 pounds so I can start looking into plastics.My butt is hanging behind my knees and no bathing suite stays over it.I am constantly pulling and tugging to keep it in place and will seriously have to look for a different style one.The wrinckly skin also bothers me a little,but hey,I dont know anyone one here so am not too self concious (spelling!) Life is good and not even the cold I have could spoil the fun this time around!