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So I would be a big fibber if I said this week was easy. I am kinda falling apart, I am snapping at my poor husband but eat a cupcake (3) in front of a all liquid diet wife. I almost punched him, and his mom for sending them home with him! I just had a sugar free apple cider and walked away VERY grumpy. Only 3 more days of this! Then two more weeks, lol. I am off of my soap box and will realx about this, it's the beginning of my new life.

TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY........ :/ )

Today I meet with my Nut. It is part of my 6 month pre-surgery requirement from Kaiser. I have a secret... I really don't like meeting with my Nut. Okay there I said it...My Nut and I were kind of thrown together. I originally met with another Nut (A). She was great. Honest but firm and helpful. She treated you like a partner and held you accountable. I had my first meeting with Nut A where she sat and helped me come up with a plan. I then had my second meeting with her where we decided I would pursue surgery. We tweaked my plan and she scheduled me for a third. That's when the problem started. She is just too darn popular. Everyone (or at least most in my area) wants to work with her. Again, she is great. However, to meet with her you literally have to schedule 2-3 months out. By the time of my 3rd appointment, she didn't have anything available for 2 months. I didn't want to add even more months to my 6 month process so I agreed to meet with another Nut (. Nut B is the exact opposite of A. She makes you feel lousy no matter how well you do. It is like she tries to not be happy. At my last appointment I lost 5 lbs. This was major for me. Not because I haven't lost weight before, but this time I didn't do anything crazy extreme. I was proud that I stuck to the plan (from Nut A) and increased my exercise. Her response? I'm going to pause here to let you know something - - that little lady almost caught big time attitude. I think time stopped for about 30 minutes as my mind processed how to not show my tail in there. I didn't get rude, rather I reminded her that I ALWAYS wear my walking shoes to each meeting because I come directly from work and have to take public transportation. You see, she is simply not easy to work with. In fact, at my last meeting with Nut B, she received a call that someone else (apparently this is common) is leaving her to work with Nut A. Instead of being phased she proceeded to insult the guy - in front of me. Wow! - - and these 2 examples are the "nicer" ones regarding my interactions with her. My point for writing this...it is a challenge that I'm having to overcome. Working with her is actually helping me to see that this really is for me...not her or anyone else...me. It gives me perspective that not everyone cares that I am losing weight. Not everyone cares that I stick to my plan. Not everyone wants to hear my crap (good or bad) regarding this change in my lifestyle. Sure, my Nut should want to be more of a partner with me but her job is to supervise my progress and provide correction to my plan when needed. Her job is to ensure that I stick this through and meet Kaiser's requirements and not to be my friend. Her stand-offish (is that even a word?) behavior helps me to keep my focus on doing this for me and not for someone else's approval. I stick with my Nut (such an appropriate name sometimes) because she does have a high success rate. Very high, even though she is not the most liked. Her people tend to be very independent and exceed their set goals. So there is a method to her madness.

46 Days. Yes I have a countdown timer on my phone and my iPad. I need to know exactly how many days I have to procrastinate getting anything done in time for surgery. I can think of NOTHING else right now. Everything revolves around Dec 21st. I've given myself a couple of projects to keep me occupied so I am not sitting at home staring at 4 walls, willing time to move forward. Lots of boards to read and things I need to get and lists to make. I am practicing the liquid diet right now. I need to ease into these things so yesterday and today I am liquid. Next week I will do three days and the following four days etc. I start the liquid diet on Dec 101, I believe. Plenty of time to ramp down. I would actually like to hit the table in the 230's. I am not required to lose any weight but I would just feel more comfy on the plane if I dropped a little bit.

I guess I am not as technically inclined as a lot of people but I have one blog I normally I use. Instead of blogging there and then blogging in different forums I usually do one blog (my main one) then share that link in forums, groups, etc. I have also seen other people putting links so I didn't realize I shouldn't do that. Instead of someone coming to me saying my link bothered them they report me for putting links. Thats sad. I came to this support group to not be brought down but to offer positivity when I could and to also receive it when needed. There is some amazing people in here and it saddens me that people would report me. I want to thank the people that has always had a kind word and the ones that didn't can go ....post a blog. sorry for offending anyone and it won't happen again. Believe me.

My Nut has me changing a few behaviors that she says will make things a bit easier post-op. As I've worked to do these things I've noticed some things about myself I've been doing that have worked completely against me. I didn't realize just how much the little things matter. Eating slower - my Mom used to make us chew 20 times before we swallowed. Who knew that eating slower would also make me eat less? As an adult of course I thought, okay I don't need to eat that slow now that my Mom is not sitting a the table watching me eat. Well low and behold, I do need to eat that slow or else my lower calorie count would not sustain me. 3 months into this and I still have to remind myself to eat slower. I do find that after a while I just get tired of eating so I put the food up or avoid food just so it doesn't take me a hour to eat 300 calories. That's a whole other issue I'm overcoming. Smaller bites - this goes hand-in-hand with eating slower. I didn't realize just how much I cram into my mouth at one time. I reallllllly struggle with this. I remember being so happy when I didn't have to cut up my kids' food so small as they got more teeth. Who knew I'd end up having to cut up my own food so small? I know this is necessary, but I have to admit i feel like a loser sometimes when I do this in front of people.Sipping - I come from a family of gulpers. We can keep a waiter/ress on the run for drink refills. I enjoy water and protein shakes and tea and coffee (decafe) and heck anything but beer and until recently wine. This is by far the hardest part so far of my new eating style. I averaged 80-100 oz of water alone daily. Now I'm lucky if I hit my 80 oz. Sipping causes me to drink so much less water and I've all but cut out everything else to encourage getting my water in. It also never quite leaves my thirst quenched. I'm always thirsty now.Strawlessness - probably not a word, but it sucks. I love straws. I used to go out and buy cute colorful and decorative ones. I am having a hard time learning to overcome the thought of putting my mouth on a glass after someone has handed it to me. YUCK! Didn't realize I was so OCD about this until my Nut said no more straws. The plus side is that it does encourage me to not drink while I eat or to drink at all while I'm out.No drinking when eating - I get thristy (see sipping above). I like to drink while I eat. Having to stop this has made me realize, I didn't need to drink when I ate. Simply this is more of a culturally learned behavior. The only time I miss drinking when I eat is if I consume bread, sweets, or crackers. All my no-nos so it is funny that when I purposely eat something I shouldn't it makes me thirsty.Drinking calories - I could live off of protein shakes, frappes, and iced coffee. While protein shakes are good, all the other things I like to drink aren't so much. I am always on the go and for a while I sustained myself on Dunkin Donuts and Starbucks. It wasn't until I truly started documenting EVERYTHING I consumed that I realized 1 of my fave drinks was almost all my daily calories. Ouch! That hurt because I just knew saying skim, or lite was really helping...sike! It was not doing a darn thing. Lesson learned!VST is really helping me because at first I thought my Nut was being really strict. The more I read the more I see that these are the exact behaviors I will need to maintain post-op. I really appreciate all of you sharing your stories and helping me not get annoyed with my Nut to see the bigger picture.

By reading my blog's title you no doubt know that I am a Type A personality. I've been this way for pretty much my entire life. The biggest hurdle for me in deciding to have WLS (for over 2 years now) is that I am the type of person who can usually do anything I set my mind to. I have always believed and found if one person could do something and I tried hard enough I could do it too. The problem is that there are truly some things for which I could use a little help. For me it is losing weight, keeping the weight off. For years I didn't want to believe that I needed help. Every Jan. 1st I thought, okay this year, I'll buckle down and just lose the weight. How hard could it be, people on TV, in magazines, etc. do this every day. I'll be one of them. I won't take the easy way out (WLS). So year after year, I not only didn't lose, I gained...and gained well. Did I mention I'm also a high achiever? If there were pounds to be gained, I gained them. It seemed like no matter what I did, the weight not only packed on, but packed on in abundance. I'd lose a bit and then gain more than I lost. Finally, I thought okay this is it. Obviously I need help so I'll go meet with a nutritionist. I did and let me tell you, I have never felt so confused/lost/helpless in all my life. Sure those pyramid charts look great but man, who in the world can construct a meal hitting every food group, with the right portions, and live any kind of life? I'd literally have to spend all day planning meals...who has that kind of time??? But I'm determined, I will do this, I need to do this I figured. So she and I came up with a menu. Well let me tell you about that menu...I ate that menu every day for 3 weeks. Why? I didn't want to eat anything wrong. So at my next apt she had me weigh in. Great, surely I would have lost something. Lord please let me have lost something. I stepped on the scale and sure enough I gained. Yup, with all that weighing and eating and buying ONLY what she told me to, I still gained weight. Talk about a bummer. Again, if there are pounds to be gained they would find me. I looked at her at that moment and said, I need more help. That moment was major for me. I'm not used to needing asking for help. That took both humility and courage for me to say that out loud. My Nut then looked at me and said surgery might be the answer for me. Then she looked at me and asked, so how was it? By this time I'm sad, frustrated, and ready to shake this little woman. How was what I asked her (not in my most pleasant voice that's for sure). She said how was it to weigh your food and restrict your diet. I told her at first it was a challenge (although I'd done it before during other countless diets) but had I lost weight I'd think it was worth it. I wasn't hungry this time like during the other diets. She then went on to explain that my body was in starvation mode. I wasn't eating enough (a big girl not eating enough...really????) and by finally eating the right foods in the right quantities, in the long run with surgery I could meet or even surpass my weight loss goals. Clever! She helped me see that WLS was not in any way the easy way out and that help was available if I would just get over myself seek it. I needed that. I had mixed feelings about surgery because again (my mind began telling me) I could do this if only I just buckled down...or so I thought. It took a while but now I'm at peace with my decision. There is still some disappointment in myself that I could not somehow just do something that would make the weight fall off. But I'm dealing with that. I also had to realize that it is okay to ask for help. That asking for help is not being weak, but rather being wise. This is going to be a challenge but I'm approaching this process with a feeling of relaxation and a one-day-at-a-time attitude as opposed to an I-have-to-control-this attitude. I understand I have to be in control of what I eat and how I exercise my body, but I don't have to feel like I need to control every minute of this process. That helps a lot and makes this much different than any of the other times I've tried to lose weight.

Had a good week not just in terms of weight loss but more so emotionally. I am just really found myself admiring myself, loving the newfound me this week. I even had to check myself not to be looking in the mirror so much. I bought a dress pre-surgery that I loved but it was also only $8 so that made me love it even more...Well, it was an an "XL" and even still was pretty tight but I put on my spanx and made it work. (I had to walk with my legs squeezed because you could hear the spanx rubbing together. I had the leg kind on). Well, I wore this same dress on Wednesday and oh what a differnece. I wish I would have taken a picture now. But the dress was so much longer, dragging the floor even since it had less to go around. Those spanx that used to hold everything tight were actually too lose and so I put on another pair that I had outgrown...First no swishing as my legs dont overlap as they did...Still touch but no overlap...My stomach look as if it is was not there and the dress just flowed from me...Not snug in the least bit. In fact, I think I had my last wear in it because it will be too big by the time I put it back in the wear cycle. My sleeve buddy posted in our FB support forum, how so many of her milestones are marked by her remembrance of her weight and as I got to thinking about I have several of those moments too...Weight really had taken over my own being...Funny thing is I am still marking milestones but its not marking them with a new look as my weight goes down. I go home to visit my family back in Arkansas and it will be the first any have seen of me since having surgery. I am both nervous and excited about their reaction. I think a lil more nervous then excited. I is my motivation to really work hard and maintain a straight line with diet compliance so that I can see 180lbs by Nov 19th. Pretty lofty goal but I know really think I can make it happen with "Two-A-Day" workouts...I love the Insanity workout which I do in the morning and then in the evening 4 days a week I will get my run on. And speaking of running, I committed myself to a running a half marathon on June 1, 2013. Keeping a goal such as this in front of me keeps me motivated to stay on the grind, particularly during the winter months when it becomes easy to get lazy with a warm blanket and hot chocolate. HW 232 & SW 227 (VSG 08/17/12 & 5'8) LW 196.2 CW 193.6 [Total Weight Loss 38.4] GW 155

Where do I start...Week 8 was the week of workouts... I concentrated on my running game...So I pushed myself everytime I ran...Managed 2 miles in 26 minutes on Wednesday...And on Saturday, I actually did an 11 minute mile...Killed me but I felt good after I caught my breath and my heart starting beating inside instead of outside of my chest...Now I need to duplicate that across two miles and then three miles...My goal is to do 3 miles in 30 minutes...I have also kept up with Insanity workouts...Still hard as hell but well worth it...I get a sense of accomplishments from getting through another greuling 40 minutes of insane workouts...I feel myself getting stronger..my stretches getting better and my cardio picking up so I am so encouraged... I know some say I am going too hard on the workouts but I do not think so...I feel absolutely fine and no pain from the workouts other than sore muscles...And I actually get a rise out of that because that means they feeling the effect and making way for change...Working out, particularly running is a lifestyle for me so no sense of putting it off any longer..I also am putting weight lifting in my routine. My arms have always been big proportionate to my body so I am giving them a lil extra work to see if I can get them to get with the program...lol... I had a few struggles with food and the dreaded alcohol...I went out to eat with friends and there was bread and I had a tiny piece...Didnt take it too far because I did not want to risk upsetting my stomach...And I also tried a drink, on a separate occassion, and it burned my stomach...Good and a bad thing...so I didnt finish the drink and have the empty calories but man I was looking forward to that drink... But the best part of the week...I got down to 199...I guess it is possible on my scale...For the past few weeks I was beginning to think that my scale did not display #'s less than 200...I attached progress photos and I can see the difference in the photos but when I look in the mirror I pretty much see myself the same as I was pre-surgery...I had a girlfriend tell me that it was funny that when I was bigger I saw myself as a sexy b*tch..and now as I have getting smaller I am seeing myself as a slob...I dont really know where I lost myself..I do remember feeling good about me or at least I played the role so well that I believed I liked myself at some point in my "big life"...Now, I critique myself so hard on that and I am almost uncomfortable in my own skin...I need for my self image and confidence to catch up with my smaller waistline...It is sometimes hard to process the compliments because I am thinking what do these folk see...In fact, I told this one guy, I wanted to see myself through his eyes...He had always adored me even at my biggest and now he can't wait to see me in the morning to shower me with compliments... HW 232 & SW 227 (VSG 08/17/12 & 5'8) LW 201.2 CW 199 [Exactly 44lbs away from goal] GW 155

These past few weeks have been tough as the all so sought after 199 has been so elusive..On 09/28/12 I weighted 203.4 and so was pretty confident I could hit 199 by the following week. My confidence was only heightened when on Wednesday, 10/03/12 I was 201.2..I just knew by the 10/05/12 I could shake off another 1.5lbs to finally join the 100 club...Well, I jump on the scale all excited and low and behold what pops up...199 even...Oh yeah oh yeah...So you know us scale obsessed folk, we have to double check, triple check, quadruple check...Well 199 never came back up...It kept reading 202...I was crushed...I told myself well you clearly are way close for 199 to even pop up because there was a time you were so far away from 199, the scale never gave a false read of 199..No doubt I am happy about my progess...31lbs and 21 inches and 4 sizes (and counting) all in 7 weeks..I just am panting for my first goal of 199..I will admit I was not as diligent about logging my food these past couple of weeks as I was previously so it is likely my carb intake got the best of me...So this is one thing I will commit to doing as it will be key to my success as well... But no sense of whining about that...Instead, I am focusing on things I can change...and that is increasing my cardio and strength...So this past week I started Insanity, again...I did it about two months prior to surgery and while it is still hard now, it was so much harder then...30lbs make a difference...My stretches are better...My form is better and I have an even greater motivation knowing I am helping Pedro (my sleeve) do some of the heavy lifting...I am remixing Insanity a bit...Instead of doing it 6 days a week, I am doing it 5 days a week, skipping the recovery day and instead running on the day of recovery...Still getting my heart rate up and helping out my running game...I would love to do a half marathon in April or May of 2013...And speaking of running my running game has gotten so much better...When I first started exercising after surgery, it was taking me 60 minutes to walk 3 miles...Now I am doing 3 miles in 43 minutes...As I cut down on the 5 minutes of walking at the beginning and interchange 1.5 minutes of running with 1 minute of walking, it will only get better...Currently, I walk the 1st five minutes (3.5mph)...run a minute (5.5-6.0mph) and walk for minute and half (3.5)..My goal is to get it to 30 minutes... Over the past couple of weeks, I have had increasing comments about how good I look...The folk that know about the surgery talk about how well I look losing the weight and that they can tell I am working out in the process as I am looking toned...A close friend of mine says you no longer look big...(oh the honesty) you just kinda blend in...Not big...not small..just about the size where no one notices your weight either way...Oh the honesty of a guy but I will still take it...lol...And a couple church friends talked about my saggy pants...Such a good feeling...I am slipping in pants I bought, two years ago and never could wear...Shirts I had given up on wearing because my belly fat/rolls showed too much...I havent worn my spanx (fool them to look thinner underarmour piece) but once (with a form fitting dress)in the past month...The muffin tops and the back fat is slowing fading away...It is such a good feeling. HW 232 & SW 227 (VSG 08/17/12 & 5'8) LW 203.4 (Week 6) CW 201.2 GW 155