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A year ago, I would look at people who are the size I am now and think, "Oh, what I would give to be that size!". I just knew I would be full of confidence and that my self esteem would be flying high again. But, now that I am where I was striving to be a year ago (not thin but no longer obese), I'm still not happy with my body. Is this becasue society has told us what is beautiful so many times that we start to believe it? Or, is it much more simpler than that. Is it just that I'm not happy with my body as a whole? Why am I minimizing my success in my head? I know I'm not sabotaging myself, but I also know that when I look in the mirror now, there are parts of my body that I dislike even more now that I've lost weight. Now, before everyone blows up at me, let me explain. I am 110lbs smaller than I was a year ago and aroun90lbs smaller since surgery six months ago. I can look and feel my body and I KNOW it has made tons of positive changes. i also know that even though I mess up with my food intake some times, I have made huge strides in that area as well. For example, this time of year in the past I would have had bough four bags of candy just for my husband and I. To be honest, I ate 3 1/2 of those! Now, I've been very careful. If I do eat a mini bar, it's only one or two for the day and then no more for awhile. I've learned that apples and peanut butter can taste just as good as a Reese's Cup....well, not AS good....but close enough. Plus, the apple doesn't make me feel bad about eating it when I'm done. I also try to exercise when my back will allow. Another huge step. As for my body changes, the pouch over my "lady parts" is so much smaller that when I'm using the bathroom, I marvel that I can see certain parts again. (Sorry if that's TMI). I can now see the numbers on the scale with out having to bend my body all cockeyed when I weigh myself. My arms feel like little girls arms to me when I fold them across my chest and the best part is the way I fit into the area under my husband's arm when he puts it around me. For the first time, his arm goes all around me and can even go down part of my arm. For the first time ever, i feel like I can be that comforted woman in the arms of the man she loves. But, with all the good comes the bad. My boobs continue to try to make their way to the floor. If they continue on their trip, they will be there in a few months and I can turn them into cleaning tools as I walk around the kitchen floor!!! Also, they are much smaller, and I have to admit, I REALLY miss them. (If you read my blog lots, you can see that I say this all the time...I have always had a close relationship to my boobs!!! LOL). The skin under my lady parts and between my thighs continues to look like a bull dog's jowls. My tummy is now wrinkled and I can fold areas of skin and fat over on it. My arms have wings and to really just shock me, I noticed today that my face skin is hanging a little too. I swear, I know it's Halloween, but I do not have any desire to look like a walking melting wax figure!!!!! So, I did what I do and asked myself, "Which would you prefer? Who you were six months ago or who you are now?" No question, hands down, The PERSON I AM NOW!!!!. So what's the problem you may ask? It's simple. I've been overweight my whole life and I always thought that if I lost weight I would have a killer body. But, becasue of my age and the length of time I've been fat (not to mention the inability to exercise the way I would like), my body didn't get my brain's memo and can't just fall back into place.....right now, it can only "fall". Because of this, it adds some negative thoughts in my head about how I look. Now, I know only I and my husband can see my body....and I'm lucky that he loves it the way it is.....but every person I know wants that tight, chest up, butt up, tones arm look!! But for now, I will have to rely on Spanks and the right clothes to hide all these changes....and trust me, I don't mind one bit.

Tomorrow is the BIG day, surgery is at 9:30 and I'm scared to death. I've been a nervous wreak all day and I just cant calm down. OMG what the hell I'm I doing Lol, ok just calm down (this is so sad I'm talking to myself Lol).

Ok so week 1 is over and I have been feeling pretty darn good since I came home. I haven't had any crazy problems, knock on wood, or anything so that makes me happy.I have been walking and getting out on little adventures (a.k.a. stores) but I do find that after about an hour I get super tired and lose my energy and have to go relax and sit down. I know it's cause of the lack of calories and protein and stuff but I do not enjoy it. I have been having trouble getting my proteins in which is common. I can't really stomach the shakes anymore, which I still try to get down, and I can't really eat enough to get any good amount of protein so basically I have to relay on the shakes and do my best to drink them as much as I can. Sooo the exciting part, I lost 20 pounds since I got home from the hospital which was 1 week. I wasn't going to weigh myself until I went to the doctors for my 2 week checkup but I couldn't wait any longer so I weighed myself. Amazing and soooo excited. Well that's abot it. Until next week, taw taw!

I am having a time here lately with cravings and eating. I need to step back and remember to measure my food and take my time and convince myself that there are foods that are not good for me and that just are not my friend. I dont know what has caused me to be like this when I was doing so good before. I had surgery on August 1 and today is October 31 and I have lost 41 pounds. I want to continue to lose and I haven't been losing lately. I am having trouble taking my vitamins, they make me sick to my stomach and I am just really frustrated with myself. I dont know why I just cannot get a grip when it comes to freaking food. GRRRRRR it just pisses me off because I dont want to mess this up. I am scared I will over do it and then stretch my band and then boom I am right back where I was. I don't want to screw this up I want to get control and be healthy. I am just really aggravated. So if anyone reads this and if you have any help or ideas on getting a grip about things PLEASE let me know.

41lbs since Aug. 1 is fantastic! Don't lose sight of that!!! The average is 1-2 lbs per week so you are right on track!! If you have the "bad foods" in the house that are tempting you, get them out of the house so they aren't within arm's reach. Leftover Halloween candy, bring it into work and give it away. You CAN do this!! I agree that the vitamins if you are taking them on an empty stomach could be the culprit or try switching them. I take gummy vitamins (dr. approved) and they do well with me. The chewables are gritty for me and I don't do well w/ them. Also, I am not sure how much cooking for yourself you do but I have found some really tasty recipes that I like and am able to freeze the extras so I have easy meals ready to go (lasagna "cupcakes" were YUMMY!). Lastly, if you are not getting your protein in first that can have a big impact on your success. It will keep you fuller longer. My dietician told me the other day too that it was ok for me to snack between meals but it should be a planned snack to avoid grabbing an unhealthy alternative between meals and to avoid grazing but to keep me from wanting to gorge at the next meal time. If you have a sweet tooth, keep some sugar free options on hand (sf popsicles, pudding, etc.). If I am really having a craving for chocolate I really like the jello brand sf choc. mousse... so being prepared for those cravings helps me without being able to sabbotage me. All in all you are doing quite well. Stalls or bumps in the road are normal and I am very happy you are addressing it before it festers. You ROCK!

I got my reward a little bit before goal as well, I got a brand new Harley Davidson motorcycle from my husband. I learn to ride it this weekend!!! Congratulations to you, your pendant is absolutely gorgeous!

your looking great . Keep it up !

Hello Blog world, I apologize for my absence but it has been a crazy couple of weeks. I felt guilty for missing 2 of my weekly Monday log in's and I promise to do better. But I just wanted to log in and tell you that I have accomplished some awesome scale goals. Since I started this process I am officially down 41 lbs!! Since starting the pre-op diet I am down 33 lbs!! And since date of surgery I am down 20 lbs! But that is a grand total of 41 lbs lost!! When I set out to do this I was very nervous that I wouldn't lose any weight, or I would only lose about 10-15 lbs. I know that I have a long way to go, I need to lose 94 more lbs to be at my goal but I am tickled pink. I have been logging everything I eat and drink in my track on My Fitness Pal and measuring my portions, I think it is awesome that I am holding myself accountable. I have been making healthier choices and controlling my stress/emotional eating but I have also let myself eat some bad things. If I eat something that is bad, I balance it by eating great the rest of the day and by working out extra hard that day. I've read on Lapbandtalk.com about people being extra strict on their diet and then hearing about them falling off and having a melt down. One of my friends on there posted about eating good but allowing herself to indulge from time to time. I have been following this, I make sure that I do not make poor decisions often, but if I do then I compensate for it with the rest of my food choices and make sure I exercise more. I am happy with my path so far. I have been working out anywhere from 3-5 times a week. Starting Monday I am going to make sure that it is consistently 5 times a week going forward. I just need to make sure I work this in. I am also going to start a weight work out that I am kinda nervous about. But gotta tone up. Tonight I am having a Halloween party at my house. I am excited about the party but extra excited about my costume. I am going as a dark angel and have to say I am going to be very comfortable in a regular XL (not plus size) black skirt and a regular Large top! I can't tell you the last time I was able to wear this stuff. I will have to post pictures on my regular Monday post. I am also working on a list of pointers for the newbies out there. Things I have learned thus far in my journey. Well that is all for now...until tomorrow, Amanda