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Showing content with the highest reputation on 10/20/2012 in Blog Entries
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5 points
Lap-Band Surgery Works By Decreasing Appetite - Not Restriction
onoblsouso and 4 others reacted to ♥LovetheNewMe♥ for a blog entry
I get asked this question all the time; How were you able to lose weight with Lap Band? Simple I followed the rules! I read on this web site all the time about every one hoping to get restriction and frustrated because their band is not tight enough, worried that they need more restriction. Well bandsters, the band and our weight loss is not about restriction, that is not the purpose of the band. The purpose is to slow down your eating so you eat less and become satisfied sooner. So if you are new or struggling, read below. I have lived by the rules of lapband throughout my 2 year journey. It has not always been easy and yes there were times I was hungry. This is not easy, it is a very emotional and personal journey. No two people react to the band alike and you have to have a lot of will power and want power. If you are on this site and had surgery, I know you have tried everything else and our now hoping the band is the answer to your prayers. Well it can be but it can also be the beginning of your nightmares if you do not make healthy choices. You and only you can make the band work and the sooner you figure this out the more successful you will be. I am now in my maintenance phase of this journey and living happy with lapband. I have worked hard and continue to work hard to make healthy choices to sustain everything I have worked hard to achieve. Is is easy no, but it gets easier everyday. You can be successful with lapband but you have to follow the rules. You have to become knowledgeable about the band and how it works. You have to deal with your behavioral issues surrounding food and you have to modify your behavior. If you do not do these things, you may lose weight but research has proved that successful WLS patients modify behavior. Below is an article from another site I wanted to share for all of you who are new and for those that are struggling and of course a reminder for us that have been successful. Good luck and success to all new and old, LovetheNewMe! EDIT/Addition added after original post: Just to give credit where credit is due this post came from Dr. Simpson's web site. This was a site I found very early in my band journey and have referenced it many times. It taught me things about the band that I was not aware of, it also is the site that helped me lose my last 30 lbs. this is the web address, check it out. He is one MD who coaches his patients that they can lose all of their weight. I read his book , "Losing the Last 30lbs" and it was very helpful. http://drsimpson.net/index.htm Weight loss surgery works by decreasing appetite-allowing people to eat less and utilize their fat stores more efficiently. What successful weight loss surgery DOES NOT stop you from eating anything. Whenever a patient says they don’t “feel restricted” it means they want the operation to do something that they won’t do for themselves. In this case, they want the operation to keep them from eating too much, or eating something. Successful patients DO NOT describe appetite suppression in that manner. This became clear when several groups showed that food remains above a well adjusted band for only a minute or less, not longer. It is not that the band keeps food from going through it - -it is the act of food going through the band that allows the satiety mechanism to go into effect. The study was simple – take a patient who is losing weight, and feels their band is at a good point. Give them food that they say satisfies them for a long time, and label the food with something we can see on an x-ray. We were shocked, and others repeated this experiment. But, then it all made sense. Whether they have a band, a bypass, a sleeve, or a DS – all of the operations allow a smaller amount of food to provide appetite suppression. Without that, appetite suppression does not occur. This is revolutionary in all aspects of patients – it is not “restrictive,” and having the band tight is not helpful. The bottom line is simple: solid food, slowly eaten, provides prolonged appetite suppression. This can be all overcome by: eating too fast (for band patients this leads to esophageal dilation, erosion, or slips or by drinking liquid calories, or soft food. What works for our patients who have had long term success: Measuring the food they eat Not depending on the band to tell them when to stop Not depending on the band to tell them when they are too full The Lap-band will NOT tell you when you are “full” The band will NOT stop you from eating “more” food So the latest revolution in weight loss is not in a new tool, it is in those four simple words that will keep your tool sharp: eat small portions slowly. -
2 points
My Halloween Nails!
Maddysgram and one other reacted to ♕ajtexas♕ for a blog entry
Got my nails done today, went with orange polish and a spider design. A little silly but I thought what the heck! What do you think Pink Princess? -
2 points
Successful Surgery! Almost At Two Weeks Post Op!
HELLO ITS ME CAMI and one other reacted to Chills562 for a blog entry
I am so blessed to sit here and write that surgery went well. better than expected outcome, I did not feel any pain or nausea. I didnt even use the lortab i picked up for post op pain. I am a little disappointed that i have i did not drop any weight since pre-surgery. i only weighed myself all week the first seek after surgery and the number did not go below 240. i figured i will wait until my 2 week post op appt to weigh in with doc and ask him why! I know it could be any numbe of reason. but in the back of my head i'm thinking, am i the exception to the rule? i know i'm just freaking out. i can tell my clothes fit me loose and and my face is already smaller. but i can sure take in a lot of fluids. i mean i have no problem getting in 64 ounces of fluid. today i tried my puree soup with 3 saltine crackers. and i feel ok. last week, i took a nibble of a cheeseburger sample at costco. i thought it would be stuck or something, but it didn't. it was mostly the meat and i chewed it well. since then, nothing other than liquids. and walking. i've done it every day so far, tonight i may skip it. i had my first massage post surgery and i feel a little sore. maybe i;ll get up early and have a nice saturday morning walk. ahhh thanks for listening. ttyl -
2 points
I Have Arrived!
rrenicoorlator and one other reacted to ♥LovetheNewMe♥ for a blog entry
Well.................... a very deep subject. So my fellow bandsters, new found cyber friends I want to share my success with you and help you to understand that this process is possible but you have to jump in with both feet and be 100% committed to this process. So I will go back to the beginning. High my name is Diane and 2 years ago I was morbidly obese. I used food as a coping mechanism for every aspect of my life. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate when I was stressed and i would even eat and lie to myself about the fact that I ate. (Sound familiar) Well one day, I not only had to take a long hard look in the mirror but I had to recognize that my body was no longer coping well with the extra weight on my 5'1" frame. I weighed 252 lbs at my heaviest(Check out my profile, I was very "FAT" there is no other word to describe me. Oh yes I did have a "NICE" smile, still do but now I have cheek bones) I like many of you had tried many WL options from fad diets to Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig and also like many of you I FAILED! Notice I said "I" failed. You see all of those "DIETS" worked but what I failed to do was truly embrace the changes that were needed in my life, the changes that I needed to be successful. But I now believe I had to fail in order to succeed. I see myself just like any addict, I had to hit rock bottom before I truly could commit myself to changing my life. When I started on this site I chose to pick a name that I could grow to love, a.k.a. my user name LovetheNewMe. The other decision I made when I signed onto this site was to be honest and give back as much as I was taking away. I like many of you read and sat in the back ground for many weeks and tried to learn, not only from the successful but also from the struggles. If I could pick three things that have made me successful I would have to say they are "Me, Myself and I" I am sorry to burst anyone's bubble but the Lapband is not why I lost weight, I lost weight because I have learned how to eat and I have learned what a portion is and I have learned that you get out of this what you put into it. If you sit on your butt and expect the weight to fall off, or have your band so tight that you can only drink liquids or puck back half of everything you eat, YES you can lose weight but YOU will not keep it off. You have to embrace the concept of the band, the band does not prevent you from eating the junk food, actually the band encourages you to eat junk food. I know your all thinking this women is flippin crazy. But think about it, when your band is tight and protein will not go down what do you lean toward. SLIDERS! Foods that are high in calories and low in nutritional value. I have read over and over on this blog that people had the surgery so they would not have to count calories, track their food or exercise. Well good luck to all of them because I know me, I am the queen of manipulation and I was real good at telling me that it was OK to eat the fast food on the way home from work and still eat dinner because no one saw me eat it but LITTLE olé me, myself and I. So, what is my point... You have to embrace a healthy life style and you have to remember that what you lose you can always gain back if you do not embrace a healthy life style. It really is true, You are what You EAT!. You have to learn to eat like a thin person and think like a thin person to be a thin person. I am still in the phase of my journey that I am a thin person but there is still a FAT girl living inside me that still struggles to get out some days. I am determined that the "FAT" girl in me is gone forever. I keep pictures of me at my heaviest in plain site, in my house and office. I do not want to ever forget how far I have gone. Just looking in the mirror does not always do it for me, a picture is worth a thousand words. Yes I have reached my ideal body weight, Yes I have dropped from a size 24 to a size 4 (no that is not a type "O") I still log my food every day, I still weight and measure my food, I eat off a small plate, I lay my fork down between bites, I do not drink with meals 30 min before or 30 min after meals, I do not graze, I do not eat unplanned snacks, I do not succumb to peer pressure and I DO exercise 4-5 days per week. The best advice I can give any bandster is: Follow the rules Keep in touch with your WL Surgeon Drink Water Exercise Set realistic goals (Boys and Girls we did not get FAT over night and you are not going to get thin over night. To lose weight you have to decrease your intake and increase your activity. Your body is a living, breathing machine and you to have burn calories to lose weight and the only way I know how to do this is to exercise. It still takes 3500 calories less than your body needs a week to lose one pound per week. That calculates out to 500 calories less per day than your body burns. You have to learn what your body needs just to maintain your current weight. There is a very narrow balance between what you need and not eating to little. If you eat to little your body will think you are starving and eventually stop losing weight.) Learn to eat healthy( The reason you have to do this is because of rule #5) And last and the most important, EAT YOUR PROTEIN. (It has been proven that bandsters that heat 70gms or more protein are more successful with weight loss) Protein make you feel fuller longer and takes longer to digest thus decreasing your desire to eat. And last bit of advice and probably the most important; Learn to love your self, believe in your self and know that you can do this. Anything is possible with hard work and dedication. So here is the old me beside the new me. Good luck to all of you who are just startng or those of you who are struggling. If you are struggling, forgive your self and move forward, if you are just starting or thinking about LBS, know you are going to have to work hard because this is a Life Style Change and just having the surgery and the band does not mean you will lose weight. LovetheNewMe -
1 point
Fat Pant's
rrenicoorlator reacted to ♥LovetheNewMe♥ for a blog entry
Happy Wednesday everyone. Today I want to offer some encouragement to all the new bandsters and all that have been working hard on their weight loss. While cleaning out the closet I found these pants that I "USED" to wear and they were tight before I stated my journey. I have now lost a total of 112 lbs, (Banded in October 2010) This has been an eye opening experience, I never realized how unhealthy I was or how badly I ate. I wish I could say my journey was over but I know that my true journey is just beginning. I now must maintain this new me, I must learn from the past year and rely less on my band and more on the new behaviors I have been drilling into my brain. Portion Control, Protein first and "No Snacking Between Meals" and let's don't forget daily exercise and if not daily at least 3-4 times a week. This is my life now, "Learning to Stay Healthy" This journey has given me back so much, when I started I was not only morbidly obese but I had sleep apnea, I was on multiple medications for asthma and hypertension. I have none of those issues now. I must admit getting here was a journey but being here is both rewarding and scary. The band has worked well for me, it has it's ups and downs but I have learned to work through them and have modified my eating and life style. I love my cyber family and all the support and encouragement they have given me and hope I can pay it back ten times over. Happy Wednesday! Picture # 2 is me standing inside of one leg, yes one leg of my size 24 draw string jeans. (I am sure we all have a pair or had a pair of these) Picture # 1 is me in my small top and size 4 linen (no stretch pants) -
1 pointI think it's time to set some goals for myself. I've been thinking about what they would be and how much weight I need to lose a lot lately (duh). I think the hardest part is coming up with realistic rewards for myself. First Goal: 25 pounds Reward: Mani/Pedi Progress: Achieved! Mani/Pedi scheduled for today! Second Goal: 50 pounds Reward: Spa Day! Massage, Facial, Mani and Pedi Progress: 25 pounds to go! Third Goal: 75 pounds Reward: NEW CLOTHES! Progress: 50 pounds to go! Fourth Goal: 100 pounds Reward: Vacation! Kidless. Just the hubs and I. Mexico? Progress: 75 pounds to go! Fifth Goal: 125 pounds Reward: Bikini Progress: 100 pounds to go! ULTIMATE GOAL: 150 POUNDS Reward: Whatever the hell I want! haha Progress: 125 pounds to go!
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1 point
12 Months And 75 Lbs Zoomed By So Quickly!
SleeveDreamer reacted to Sleevie WonderLand for a blog entry
Disclaimer: Before you read this, know that it was written while I'm at work answering phones and catering to people in my office, so there are probably several run on sentences and errors. No time to proofread! I was sleeved on October 18, 2011, and I still can't believe how fast the time has flown by. Initially when I got sleeved, I had a hard time adjusting to this new lifestyle because I had to re-train my thinking and control my desires to eat for no reason. Once I was able to get accustomed to "eating to live" instead of "living to eat" life became simple, the weight fell off, and I've been the happiest with myself that I've ever been. I used to say "I love me" when I was overweight, but I think I was saying it as a defense mechanism to convince everyone around me that I was happy even though I was fat. That was true to an extent - I love the person that I am, my personality, my generosity, my sense of humor, but I didnt love being fat. Now when I say "I love me" its probably 90% true. I still love who I am, but i'm finally loving the physical me because even though my new body is flawed with excess skin it still allows me to enjoy life more. I'm no longer afraid of breaking lawn chairs, or not fitting in theatre chairs, or sweating profusely because I'm so overweight. I'm willing to attempt things and activities that are more physical, and the self consciousness will rear it's ugly head, but then it quickly goes away when I remember that I am no longer grossly obese. It's amazing how much your perspective on EVERYTHING changes once you shed a massive amount of weight. It's the greatest thing ever. My life for the past 5 to 6 months has been "normal". When I say that I mean that I have stopped living like I'm sleeved and have begun living like this is my normal life. I dont get on the scale incessantly. I havent counted calories or checked in to myfitnesspal, etc. I monitor what I eat (which is usually the same things over and over) but I dont obsess about it. I havent been to the gym as much - aw hell, i havent been to the gym all summer. In my defense, I was working and just never made the effort to get there. I do have plans to get that regimen back in place, but I'm not sweating it. I'm living my new normal life. Shopping has turned into a delight. I was initially traumatized when I had to shop for my new body. I was still losing weight and just didnt know how to put things together for my slimmer thighs, but flabby tummy and arms. It took me some time to figure out that 3/4 sleeved tops are my best friend; that it was ok for me to go into the junior's section to find clothing (they have some cute clothes for the younger chicks! lol); I also realized that i didnt just have to stick to one section to get my outfits together. I was accustomed to dealing with whatever tents Lane Bryant and the Avenue offered, because those were my only options. I've been sleeved, I've been liberated....and I've been shopping! I wasnt sure how much weight I wanted to lose initially because I'm on the taller side of the scale and didnt want to appear to lanky or "sick" as people like to say. I figured that if I lost about 60 to 70 pounds, I'd be content. I've lost 75 pounds, and I'm happy with that. My weight fluctuates up and down 2 lbs depending on my time of the month, but it's been steady and consistent for the past 2 months. I dont know if I'll lose more when I get back into the gym, but if I dont, I'm totally fine with that. My social life has changed somewhat as well. I never revealed my weight loss surgery to anyone so everyone has been speculating on how I've lost the weight. I told some that I drastically changed my diet and used protein shakes to kick the weight loss off, I've even given some of them some recipes and my meal plans. Sometimes I do feel guilty for not sharing my real secret, but at the same time it's my business and I dont want to be judged based on that. So as I planned it, my secret will go to my grave with me unless my husband and kids decide to spill the beans. I havent officially lost any friends, but I do notice a distance from some people who I thought would be happy for me. Ive actually been called "skinny" amongst friends, but not in a happy way, more like if being skinny is a bad thing. go figure. this is totally random, but I hate it when people tell me not to lose anymore weight because I'll begin to look sick. I always comeback with "why didnt you tell me not to gain any more weight when I was fat? Surely I looked sick then?" that usually leads to some real uncomfortable silence. I love it! I consider myself a sleeve success story. I'm not saying it was an easy journey, but I am saying it's an easy journey once you lay the path out. Dont set up unrealistic goals for yourself based on what others are doing. I would read other people's success stories and see that they lost 75 pounds in their first 4 to 5 months of being sleeved. It didnt happen that way for me because it wasnt supposed to! Each of us have to individualize our journeys. I was not the model sleeve patient - i dont take vitamins as often as I should; I drink soda; I dont go to the gym consistently; I hardly drink water. These may be the factors for my weightloss not being in the 100s. But I'm FINE with that. My decisions, my choices, my journey. My happiness! If you aren't sleeved yet and are reading this, I suggest that you continue to do your research and know what you're in for when you have this surgery. It's life changing in every aspect - physical, mental, and social. Some of it may not be all good, but it's most certainly worth it in my opinion. I'd take 10 pounds of loose flappy skin over 75 pounds of unnecessary fat any day! Other than having my children and getting married, this has been the best thing to happen to me. I'm forever grateful to whoever came up with this procedure. -
1 pointHello All, Long time no blog! I have been traveling a lot lately for work but I managed to get in my pre-op testing and I am waiting for the insurance submittal. Let me tell you, it all has tried my patience. My surgeon's team has been really great but the nutritionist piece was a nightmare. Under staffed and they are mean! The office staff treats me like I have the plague and I have read about how others have been treated. So I have some words to share. Dear Nutritionists, PCP's and others involved in this process: Don't get me wrong, I get that people start this process and think it is a magic pill or quick fix as the media portrays it, but I do not. I have studied and read and read and read books, websites, blogs, etc. I have a friend who has been through RNY WLS. I know you do not know this about me but please don't judge me. Please try to get to know me and treat me like I have feelings. I am SCARED! I am so scared it makes me shake. This is life altering. We NEED your help and your compassion. I am a patient and human being. I have been picked on, ignored and belittled my whole life for my weight. I want you to be able to answer my questions and not look at me with disgust. I NEED this surgery. I really have tried to lose weight and I need help. It took everything I have to walk in the seminar that day. I had to ADMIT I was Morbidly Obese. Don't get mad when we are desperate for our medical records. We are clinging to a string of hope and terrified that we will be denied. Oh and it is not funny. It is not 'elective surgery' to us. We just want to be happy and healthy. We want to start our lives and not be and feel humiliated on planes, in amusement parks, at the movies, on buses....... We don't want to be the fat person in the room or the fat friend anymore. Contrary to popular belief, WE WANT TO BE IN CONTROL. You are our life line. Every day that passes we die a little inside. Please remember this the next time you dismiss me or my community. Signed, The Scared Fat Girl
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1 point
Staying In Touch
rrenicoorlator reacted to ♥LovetheNewMe♥ for a blog entry
Nice to see so many new face's on LBT. I have the day off today so I was trying to catch up on the web site. It is nice to see some old friends and some new faces. I am Diane and I was banded on October of 2010. I have now lost 112 lbs and am 8 lbs from my ideal body weight, a healthy BMI and healthy percent body fat. My journey like all WLS patients has had it's ups and downs. I have had my share of plateaus and difficulties and I can not tell you how much this web site and the people on her who are now friends have helped me. I have been a silent stalker and finally an active participant. In the beginning I didn't feel I had much to share so I read, listened and tried to learn all I could about my body and lap band. lap band got me started on this journey but after the initial 50 lbs the work really starts, honestly having lap band is just a little insurance.(sorry if you did not realize this but it is true) It is like having an extra conscious, that says,"Now you know you have eaten enough and if you take one more bite I am going to make your throw up if you take one more bite" "See I told you" I still have days when my eyes are wanting way more than my tummy will hold, and my 3rd conscious (hubby) says, Di ya gotta lot of food on your plate, you know you can't eat all that. I hate it but he is right. I can not say enough about my family, friends, co-workers and cyber friends. With out all of their support I would never have made it. They have held me accountable and challenged me when I felt things were stalled. Hard work, dedication, goal setting and sticking to the program works. The old saying is so true, "You are what you eat!" I love eating healthy now, I feel so much better, I have so much more energy and I am off all of my asthma medications and blood pressure medications. I never thought that would happen! I love exercising and I love working out with a trainer. Yes it is hard work, yes it takes commitment and yes it is also expensive but I made the financial cuts in my daily life because my health is worth this, I deserve to be healthy. I am thin now, WOW, can't believe I said that but I do have to admit, I am thin. I wear size 4" and 6's, I have no boobs left, (but a really sexy bra from Victoria's Secret with some sexy panties) I do have a little loose skin on my upper thighs and tummy could be tighter. But hey my arms look awesome and with "Justin's" drilling in the gym I will tighten up the other areas in due time. Will I be perfect, "Hell to the No" but you know what for a 56 year old lady who used to weight 252 lbs and wear a size 24 I look pretty damn good. Soooo. lapbander's new and old my words of wisdom to you are: Love yourself, believe in yourself, never lose site of your goal. This is not a "DIET", this is a life time commitment to living a healthier life style. This is about beating the odds, this is about being accountable to yourself. We can lie to ever one else and say, yes I am following the rules when In our hearts we know we can give more. How bad do you really want this? How much are you willing to give? After all it is your life! I am giving this 100% plus, I am so worth all the hard work, dedication and commitment. Remember you are worth it also, give your self a break, forgive your self for what went wrong yesterday and move forward. If you dwell in the past you will never have a future. Hugs and Best Wishes to all my cyber friends, thank you for all your support and encouragement! -
1 point
Reaching For The Stars
rrenicoorlator reacted to ♥LovetheNewMe♥ for a blog entry
If you can believe in yourself. you can make your dreams come through. I started this journey 19 months ago. Like many of you I had been overweight for the majority of my adult life and had tried and never been totally successful with any exercise program or diet. That is why I made my decision to have WLS over the summer of 2010. I was so tired of being overweight, tired of my knees hurting, tired of being short of breath when i walked from my car to the office. Tired of being the girl with the pretty face, the death sentence comment for yes she is really fat but she has a pretty face. LapBand comes with its own set of challenges, we all went into this believing we knew what we were getting into but I am not sure anyone can truly prepare you for all you are going to experience. The early part of this journey was lined with challenges and so much of the unknown. For all of you pre and newly banded you need to know I lived on this web site in the early days, I logged on daily and would sometimes spend hours reading the forums and blogs. I wanted to learn as much as I could from the very people who I was trying to emulate. I learned quickly that there were just as many people failing as there were people succeeding and honestly that scared the hell out of me. I gleamed what info I could from the positive comments and tried to figure out how I was not going to become frustrated. The one most important thing I learned was that I had to be accountable to myself, no one was going ot hold my hand and make sure I ate what and how I was suppose to. This was all on me, my success or failure that is. Lapband does work, it can be the tool that you takes you where you want to go but remember it truly is a tool, it does not make food choses for you. It will not stop bad behavior, actually it will allow you to eat junk. Think about it sugar and starches break down in your mouth not in your gut so chips and cookies and candies will always go down when you have to work to eat protein and vegetables. I am an optimist, I went into this with my eyes wide open. I knew my life would never be the same, I knew I would be changing the life of not only me but also my family. I wanted to embrace my new life, when I chose my log on to this site, "LovetheNewMe". I was far from loving or even liking how I was but I knew that was where I wanted to go. Today, I do LovetheNewMe, I have no regrets with my Lapband. People often ask me, Do you regret having the surgery, instead of doing yourself. I laugh, they have no idea. The band helped me lose the weight but it was only a guide, the food I chose to eat, the exercise I chose to do and the new life I embraced was all about me not the band. You see I see my band as my conscious, it lets me know if I chose unwisely but it never stops me. I stop me, because I followed the rules my MD gave me and on the lapband web site. I have been successful not because of the band but because of me and my determination to be successful. Today was a great milestone for me. I went to my exercise session with my trainer today. Today was weigh and measure day. I weighed in at 145 lbs with a BMI of 27.4 and 26% body fat. I lost a total of 5 inches. My measurements are now 36-29-38, my thighs are now 21 inches and my arms are 11.5 inches. My trainer, was ecstatic, I thought he was going to cry, I think he was as happy if not happier than I was. When I left the gym tonight he told me I was his walking billboard that proved that hard work and determination did pay off. I said to him well you did it and he said no Diane you did it, all I did was show you what to do, you did all the work. I told him tonight, I would be happy staying at this weight but I did still have some goals, I want my waist to be 25-26 inches, I want my arms down to 10 inches. He thinks I will reach my ideal body weight of 132 in a few more months, will see. On another note, the dear hubby tells me tonight, I think your thin enough! Now remember this is the same wonderful fellow who said my thighs were less than optimal. I just looked at him very perplexed. So my new thought process is that I have thighs like a Chinese Shar Pia, because that was the breed of my dear departed Alexander whom I lost 2 years ago. I always said my Ali had only a face a mother could love so I am choosing to embrace my shrinkles and the rest of the world can just. "GET OVER IT." If you take nothing from my ramblings please take this, believe in your self, love your self, set goals and never feel like you fail. Set backs and plateaus are normal, if you stumble, forgive yourself and refocus. This is YOUR life, this is YOUR chance to learn to love your self and embrace a new life. If i can do this you can do this. I dreamed of being here and now I am. Is my journey over NO, this is a life long journey and a commitment. This is my life, my new life!