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I'm sitting here, working in my home office, dressed in jeans and a soft, thin, brushed red sweater. Why is that such a big deal? Well, because the jeans are size 16 and the sweater is from American Eagle, size XL. These are normal sized clothes and they aren't binding or pinching or look gross. I look normal. I'm still 200+ pounds and have more to lose than I have thus far, but this is just so awesome. This is the first time in 15+ years I've worn normal clothes and felt so comfortable. I love my sleeve. I love my surgeon...........and I love my hubby most of all, because thru thin, emaciatedly thin, thick, thicker and thickest this man has loved me for me. When I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, when I was a younger me, angry with myself for what I felt I had done to myself..........this man loved me. And I sit here now, happy as can be, sipping tea, wearing jeans with a soft red sweater...............enjoying the little things...........and the littler me.

The main point I want to get across to people considering VSG is this: Regardless of your starting weight, if you are a yo-yo dieter, grazer, food addict and/or compulsive overeater with self-sabotaging tendencies, the surgery alone will not be enough. You will also need to get some form of counseling or treatment to control your compulsive overeating/grazing if you're serious about reaching your goal weight. (Read the symptoms of food addiction, compulsiver overeating here) Now that that's out the way. Here are my stats: Beginning weight: Approx. 193.5 Current weight: Approx. 132 Shocker right? I started this journey in the so called "lightweights" category--basically people with a BMI below 35. I only wanted to lose 68 pounds, and so far have lost 61. So what, if anything, went wrong? Well, first let me say that I do not regret the surgery. Here's the deal: I'm a chronic yo-yo dieter and compulsive overeater. Before the sleeve, I had tried multiple diets in 2011, losing 25 lbs pretty quickly each time. The problem was, each time, I quickly regained the weight that I had lost in a period of days. Those setbacks became pretty discouraging after a while. I did a little research and decided that VSG would solve my problems. Once I had the surgery, I fell into my normal pattern of periods of intense effort followed by periods of little or no effort towards reaching my goal. That got me to 152 lbs (approx. 41 lbs down) around 3.5 months out. From there, during periods of increased effort, I'd get down into the mid 140s. When I fell off the wagon, I would find my way back to around 152, which appeared to be my ceiling, regardless of how many bad days I had. Again, regardless of how many bad days I had. THAT's the reason why I do not regret this surgery. Were it not for the surgery, my 40 lb loss would have eventually turned into a 60 lb gain. With VSG, the worst case scenario appeared to be gaining back 5 lbs or so to end up back at 152 (I'm sure that over time, my ceiling will creep back up, but that's another issue). Fast forward a few weeks... I stumbled on to the fact that I might have a mild form of adult attention deficit disorder. I was discouraged by all the projects that I was falling behind in, and I was very unhappy with my tendency to procrastinate and not put forth my best efforts. I met with the psychiatrist who prescribed adderall. I was aware of all the stories about adderall and weight loss, but after failing at weight loss surgery, I had pretty much moved on from thinking that I could lose weight from drugs or any other interventions. My main concern was getting my behavior under control so that I could be more effective at work and at home. I started taking the medication around June. Within a few months, my schedule had become super busy and I had addressed the issues I had been avoiding for years head on, including home refi, ending a bad relationship, and revamping a few side businesses. But there was another side effect--while the medication was in effect, I was not a food addict. I ate when hungry. At night, when the medication wore off, I would resume grazing and eating just because. Of course, with the sleeve you can only eat so much. With my food addiction somewhat under control during the day, I have gone on to lose an additional 20 lbs over a period of 4 months. This was with no effort, since I've been so devoted to the projects I'm working on that I haven't made time to workout or follow any particular meal plans. I recently resumed my gym membership and fully intend to start working out again and eating as healthy as possible but I'm trying to get everything else in order first. I'm not advocating medicine to people suffering from food addiction--I'm advocating any treatment, including group meetings or counseling, that will help keep it under control. It turns out my weight issues are directly related to how much I obsess over food when I'm not hungry---no diet, fat burner, workout plan, or even surgery can solve that problem. However, it's probably not a great idea to just rely on medicine to control food addiction, because when the medication stops, the problem returns. In the end, counseling and coping tools are key to managing the disorder.

In my earlier blog I referred to how much I love bread. And I received a response from a fellow blogger who mentioned the danger in having a relationship with bread. I find myself wondering if it's possible that food truly became the thing I could rely on after my Mom died. It feels like a big leap to me - but it's worth inquiring with my emotions about whether bread represents something bigger to me in my food challenge. I recall that as a child there was always bread on the table at dinner. And I would go for it at EVERY opportunity during the meal. My Dad would call me on it every time! So it's funny that I remember that Mom put the bread on the table, but Dad put the kaibash on eating it. Then Mom died. Hmm... I don't know... maybe there could be a relationship type of thing, but if there is I just thought about it 30 years later, so I'm not sure that gives it a legit stand. Anyone with insight it most welcome to respond!

Today is 3 months post sleeve. I was in the surgeon's office yesterday to check in .......40 pounds down from pre-op weight. I quit weighing at home. It was too damned stressful and just not good for me. I knew my weight was at the lowest it has been in the past 13 years because my clothes look really pitiful on me. In fact, I'd gone shopping to the local outlet mall over the weekend to buy some pants because I'd seen some photographs taken recently and refused to put those pants back on.......they were too baggy!! And I knew my weight was down because when I look in the mirror, I'm beginning to resemble something that got left out in the sun too long!! Time to go to the gym! Which leads me to this funny story...... So, after the surgeon check in, I head off to my local Curves to sign up. I like Curves. It is good for a beginner. I'm a beginner.......again......I'm an experienced beginner. The lady checking me in does her questionnaire....."Have you lost or gained weight recently?" I smile, "Yes, I've lost 40 pounds in the past 3 months." Her eyes get big, "Really, how?" "I had a gastric sleeve procedure"......she looks confused....I clarify "I had weight loss surgery." Ding Ding Ding......she gets it! So along with the measurements, weight, etc........then she asks, "What do you want to gain from this?" I answer "I don't want to look like a record that's been left in the sun too long?"......She laughs, but I didn't give the answer she was looking for, so she tries again, "Ok, what else are you hoping to accomplish?"........I answer "Well, my 2 month old grandson weighs 15 pounds and I need more muscle to bounce that kid to sleep.".......another chuckle, but not the answer she was looking for..........she tries AGAIN "What do you want for yourself from the exercise program?".........my answer "Well, you see, I need to create a muscular core so when the plastic surgeon goes to reconstruct my abdomen, he'll have something to work with." I'm laughing my fat butt off, and she's chuckling, but I'm still failing the Curves admission test...........finally she just asks the question "Do you want to lose more weight?" Then I do bust a gut laughing.......... "Of course I do, ma'am........that's why I had the surgery 3 months ago. I'm gonna keep losing weight, regardless of whether I work out here or not. I want to work out so that I look GOOD and FIRM as the weight comes off.........not sick and saggy."

I had my psych appointment today...one more thing checked off. It was a good appointment and I was given some very good advice for long term success. Should be getting submitted to insurance very soon!!! I hope it gets approved. I also attended my first support group tonight. So many helpful people. I love to hear everyones stories.

I have learned that the weight loss journey is very personal. Yes, we can glean support and some answers from people on this sight, but what works for them may not be for you. Each of us has our own issues with food that lead to us becoming obese and each must deal with those issues inside of us. That is so hard, especially if those issues have been there for many years. We can go through all the psych evals in the world, but nothing will prepare us for the journey - the ups and downs. It's human nature to compare ourselves to others, so then the question and frustration start - well so and so lost dat-ta-dat in 3 months why haven't I. Weight loss is dependant on so many things and I have studied and googled every thing I can to learn. Basically what I have learn is what I have always known in order to lose weight I must have a calorie deficit. That being said I never really knew how many calories I needed a day. Through research I found that you need to know your BMR- they amount of calories you would burn if you just stayed in the bed all day long. I always make sure my calories are below my BMR. But because the BMR is based on your height, age, weight each persons will be different. So I have started to look more at me, not everyone else. I have stopped compairing myself with others. I look to me, what me I do, what must KIM do to succeed. I am the only one who can be successful for me, I must take responsiblity for my actions or lack there of. If I fail, I fail- not my doctor, not this site, not my nutritionist, but me because I failed to take responsibility for me. So today I take resposibility for myself and I will be accountable for what I do or don't do. I will celebrate my success and I will look at my failures as a learning tool. Support is awesome, but we must look at ourselves and into ourselves to make the changes we must to be succesful on this journey! I wish you success on your Journey and I hope that I can help you on your road.

I am so weird. One minute I'm so excited, and the next minute I'm chewing off my nails with nervous energy - which is the playing with the tail and crying scene from Oz, equivalent for me. When I started on the path of knowledge over this procedure (which was a while ago) I remember thinking, "I could never do that" and I graduated to "look at all these people having success with this", to "I could never do that", then on to, "can I get this done"?, and back to, "this will never work for me", and on and on and on... It's like I'm the coin in a coin toss, going from one thing to the next. I was fine making the decision to get this procedure, but not fine once I made the choice. Now I'm second guessing myself as a successful part of the equation in addition to an infinte number of unknown outcomes. Why do I do that?! And maybe that's why weight loss has never been really easy for me. It's as though I don't let myself get too excited because I know failure will arrive soon enough. And that is NOT who I am in my life. Why doesn't this part of me behave like the rest of me? I guess I'm trying to understand how getting this surgery will actually re-set my brain. And maybe it isn't the surgery that does that. Maybe afterward you still have to go up a road you don't recognize, and maybe everyone comes to that road at a different point in the process. I wish it came before this place I'm in now, though. I think that is the reason so many people have trouble with the brain hunger thing. I don't only NOT want to be one of those people, I CAN'T be one of them. I can't be 6 or 8 months post op and feeling like I'm starving to death and eating inappropriately and throwing up, or getting dehydrated or whatever. I can't sing and have all that trauma around my vocal folds. That would be a recipe for disaster for me. How do I cross that bridge beforehand so I can deal with it if/when it happens? And how much energy and effort should I spend trying to solve a problem I don't yet have? I must sound like a crazy person asking how to cross a bridge before I get there. I don't like the unknown, so I'm always at the edge of a big decision asking, REALLY??? OMG! REALLY??? Or, I'll throw myself off without asking a single question, until it's over and done with and I end up saying, "what just happened"? So there's either no thinking or way too much thinking. And now I just want to say that I am such a CHICKEN because of all of this ridiculous questioning! I can't possibly be this much of a coward, can I? What's *wrong* with me?! With all I've overcome and acheived in my life, I can't imagine that something like this has turned me into such a total wuss. I gotta keep getting perspective and focusing on the positive and imagining a huge success. But if I don't find some courage, I'll never go through with it. Thanks for reading. Sorry if I'm boring...

Its no secret if you talk to me that i have a hard time making choices. Like buying toothpaste or choosing new foods to try, it takes time for me to make a decision. Lots of Googling and comparison. I've been looking up VSG guides from different hospitals to see what each says in regards to Foods, times and supplements. Here is what I've found after i broke down the charts and guides: (BTW I am not God, nor do i pretend to be, so please don't take this as THE word. Its just a guide-line cheat sheet i re-made for myself) (( Also, i am just 31 days post op, so this is tailored for my stage)) Breakfast *should be at 8am *(earlier then that if you have an early day, but it should be within 1 hour of waking up) *1/4 - 1/2 C of Fiber, fruit, OR Calcium * AND 1/4 - 1/2 C of protein or good carbohydrate (ex: yogurt, cottage cheese, apple sauce, soft eggs, cooked cereal) Supplements/ Vitamins *10 AM! * PLUS 1/2 c Protein Shake (or 25 g) * Some vitamins need FAT to be soluble (vitamins A D E K) If your taking these, use 1% milk or check your Protein drink labels! Lunch *12 pm *1/4 - 1/2 C soup or calcium * AND 1/4 C Protein ( ex: yogurt, cheese, egg/tuna/chicken salad, pureed fruit/veg) Snack *2 pm *1/4 - 1/2 C calcium or fiber *1 Sugar free treat (ex: cottage cheese, ricotta, pureed fruit or Veg, SF Popsicle, sf Jello, sf Pudding) Dinner *6 pm 1/4 - 1/2 C protein (or 1-2 oz) 1/4 C Fruit or Veg That's it. If you feel like you need more, eat more. If you can't eat quite this much yet, chill out and do your best! But make sure you get your liquids in each day!! If you need a reminder for that, drink 1/2 hour before each 'meal' You need to stay hydrated or your body will not operate, or heal, like it should. I like to add generic crystal light (walmart or target brands!), but i choose the sugar free, caffeine free ones that have vitamins included in powder ( ex: Kiwi-Strawberry or Grape from walmart) These are just suggestions, But are mainly for WHEN I have a brain power-outage and need some help! For easy food choices always get low/fat free food mind the sodium and the carbs Some little kid pre packaged foods are great! like pureed fruits (in little foil sacks, no spoon needed) fruits in light syrup or water deli turkey and ricotta cheese Go-gurt ect... Making this list has made me hungry! lol will have a 1/4 c OJ then off to bed. (didn't realize how much i missed OJ until i had some the other day!)

We've been in a fairly stress filled situation the past few months, and recently it has gotten more so. Stress isn't related to my surgery or weight loss........is related to other family issues. Nothing tragic, just stressful. So Wednesday evening, I told my hubby he had to get me outta this house........and being the wonderful charming chap he is......he did. I was just tied in knots and needed to blow off some steam. I don't have any girlfriends that I can share this with, so unfortunately for the hubby, he gets to play that part. In any event, I digress. So, we're riding down the road in his truck, he turns and asks "What do you want to eat?" I replied, "Does it really matter? I'll eat 4 bites and that'll be the end." And, we laughed..........and went for his favorite food......MEXICAN! So, we're sitting in this Mexican cantina, listening to the pitiful "live" music for Wednesday night and it happened......... I found myself wishing I could just stuff myself with food (chips, queso, salsa) and beverage (code word for Dos Rita - Dox Equis beer inverted in top shelf Margarita!) so............(now this was an eye opener for me)........I could FEEL BETTER!!! OMG!!!!! It's been 1 1/2 months since surgery and not once has that thought crossed my mind. Typically, I'm giggling at being the world's cheapest date, but somehow with all this stress, I WANTED to EAT and DRINK. I can't (stuff me with food and drink) and I gotta say it is so good to be saved from myself. But it does leave me wondering....is this part of how I got fat in the first place. I know it is, part of it. I can look back at food journals and see I dove off the wagon in times of great stress, usually self directed hatred at my own short comings.........and then the cycle started up. What to do with this new self discovery? How do I fill the space gluttony used to take in my life? More so, do I fill that space? Maybe the space where gluttony used to live.............is kinda like when I clean out my closet. I clean out what I don't want any more so I have room for all the new, cool, groovy, awesome stuff I want now. Or maybe I just leave it as a reminder that it leads somewhere I just don't want to go..........like those ugly, ugly jackets with the linebacker shoulder pads from the 80s!

Over the weekend, the hubby and I took a little road trip down to Galveston Texas to tour the new Pleasure Pier. If you aren't from our area, let me explain. Galveston has many piers that jut out into the gulf. One had a hotel on it. After Hurricane Ike demolished what was left of the pier and building, the question of what to do with the space came up. So, Galveston put a carnival like space out onto the pier. There are restaurants, a merry go round, roller coaster, log ride etc. as well as all the fun carnival games you remember from childhood. The place just opened this summer and we'd been too busy prior to this past Sunday to go down and look it over. So, we started our afternoon sitting in the bar of the Bubba Gump Shrimp company enjoying some Cajun steamed shrimp, cold Shiner and people watching (my favorite sport). The place was packed, the staff was busy and the people watching was awesome. One customer was getting on the bartender's nerves to the point I was ready to open bets regarding who was gonna win the inevitable brawl (the bartender was a cute little blonde chick, about 100 pounds soaking wet). The brawl was everted by a smart manager who found an open table - far away from the bar- for the obnoxious customer. In any event, I digress. I ended up going to the toilet during our time @ Bubba Gump. Washing my hands afterward, I glanced into the mirror and almost laughed out loud. I was not the biggest chick in the mirror!! No disrespect to the other women in the toilet intended, this blog is after all, all about me and my journey.......but for the first time in a very long time, I was not the biggest chick in the bathroom !!!!. I did contain myself and stifled my laughter (they would have had me hauled out for insanity if I just burst into hysterical laughter after looking in the mirror) but I did giggle all the way down the stairs and back to the bar. Taking my seat on the bar stool by my hubby, he asks what happened in the bathroom.....and I told him. He just shook his head and laughed with me. Again, I am amazed when I think of all the sad, little conditioning that has occurred over my 20+ years of obesity. Until Sunday, I wasn't aware that every time I was in a room, I was scanning to see if I was the fattest chick there........and sad to say, many times I was - the fattest chick in the room. All of the subconscious bull shit I've done to myself over the years continues to simply appall me. And it was so undeserved. I've always said being fat is 1) NOT a character flaw and 2) if that number was my IQ rather than my weight, we'd be excited!!! And I've believed that......but yet, here I was comparing myself to others and beating myself up without even knowing it. Well, the beatings end here!.........let the love-in begin!!!