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I'm sitting here, working in my home office, dressed in jeans and a soft, thin, brushed red sweater. Why is that such a big deal? Well, because the jeans are size 16 and the sweater is from American Eagle, size XL. These are normal sized clothes and they aren't binding or pinching or look gross. I look normal. I'm still 200+ pounds and have more to lose than I have thus far, but this is just so awesome. This is the first time in 15+ years I've worn normal clothes and felt so comfortable. I love my sleeve. I love my surgeon...........and I love my hubby most of all, because thru thin, emaciatedly thin, thick, thicker and thickest this man has loved me for me. When I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, when I was a younger me, angry with myself for what I felt I had done to myself..........this man loved me. And I sit here now, happy as can be, sipping tea, wearing jeans with a soft red sweater...............enjoying the little things...........and the littler me.

Girl, I was sleeved back in June, and after about 5-7 days I was hungry....I swore I could just run a tube down my throat and pump those liquids in cause my arm was so sore from lifting the cup ALL THE TIME! I'd take 2-3 sips, be full as a tick on a fat dog........and then 5 minutes later starving to death!!! My surgeon laughed at me (for some reason, I get that response a lot) but encouraged me to keep drinking and sipping, things would even out........and they did. And maybe all that lifting toned up my biceps a little too.

The main point I want to get across to people considering VSG is this: Regardless of your starting weight, if you are a yo-yo dieter, grazer, food addict and/or compulsive overeater with self-sabotaging tendencies, the surgery alone will not be enough. You will also need to get some form of counseling or treatment to control your compulsive overeating/grazing if you're serious about reaching your goal weight. (Read the symptoms of food addiction, compulsiver overeating here) Now that that's out the way. Here are my stats: Beginning weight: Approx. 193.5 Current weight: Approx. 132 Shocker right? I started this journey in the so called "lightweights" category--basically people with a BMI below 35. I only wanted to lose 68 pounds, and so far have lost 61. So what, if anything, went wrong? Well, first let me say that I do not regret the surgery. Here's the deal: I'm a chronic yo-yo dieter and compulsive overeater. Before the sleeve, I had tried multiple diets in 2011, losing 25 lbs pretty quickly each time. The problem was, each time, I quickly regained the weight that I had lost in a period of days. Those setbacks became pretty discouraging after a while. I did a little research and decided that VSG would solve my problems. Once I had the surgery, I fell into my normal pattern of periods of intense effort followed by periods of little or no effort towards reaching my goal. That got me to 152 lbs (approx. 41 lbs down) around 3.5 months out. From there, during periods of increased effort, I'd get down into the mid 140s. When I fell off the wagon, I would find my way back to around 152, which appeared to be my ceiling, regardless of how many bad days I had. Again, regardless of how many bad days I had. THAT's the reason why I do not regret this surgery. Were it not for the surgery, my 40 lb loss would have eventually turned into a 60 lb gain. With VSG, the worst case scenario appeared to be gaining back 5 lbs or so to end up back at 152 (I'm sure that over time, my ceiling will creep back up, but that's another issue). Fast forward a few weeks... I stumbled on to the fact that I might have a mild form of adult attention deficit disorder. I was discouraged by all the projects that I was falling behind in, and I was very unhappy with my tendency to procrastinate and not put forth my best efforts. I met with the psychiatrist who prescribed adderall. I was aware of all the stories about adderall and weight loss, but after failing at weight loss surgery, I had pretty much moved on from thinking that I could lose weight from drugs or any other interventions. My main concern was getting my behavior under control so that I could be more effective at work and at home. I started taking the medication around June. Within a few months, my schedule had become super busy and I had addressed the issues I had been avoiding for years head on, including home refi, ending a bad relationship, and revamping a few side businesses. But there was another side effect--while the medication was in effect, I was not a food addict. I ate when hungry. At night, when the medication wore off, I would resume grazing and eating just because. Of course, with the sleeve you can only eat so much. With my food addiction somewhat under control during the day, I have gone on to lose an additional 20 lbs over a period of 4 months. This was with no effort, since I've been so devoted to the projects I'm working on that I haven't made time to workout or follow any particular meal plans. I recently resumed my gym membership and fully intend to start working out again and eating as healthy as possible but I'm trying to get everything else in order first. I'm not advocating medicine to people suffering from food addiction--I'm advocating any treatment, including group meetings or counseling, that will help keep it under control. It turns out my weight issues are directly related to how much I obsess over food when I'm not hungry---no diet, fat burner, workout plan, or even surgery can solve that problem. However, it's probably not a great idea to just rely on medicine to control food addiction, because when the medication stops, the problem returns. In the end, counseling and coping tools are key to managing the disorder.

In my earlier blog I referred to how much I love bread. And I received a response from a fellow blogger who mentioned the danger in having a relationship with bread. I find myself wondering if it's possible that food truly became the thing I could rely on after my Mom died. It feels like a big leap to me - but it's worth inquiring with my emotions about whether bread represents something bigger to me in my food challenge. I recall that as a child there was always bread on the table at dinner. And I would go for it at EVERY opportunity during the meal. My Dad would call me on it every time! So it's funny that I remember that Mom put the bread on the table, but Dad put the kaibash on eating it. Then Mom died. Hmm... I don't know... maybe there could be a relationship type of thing, but if there is I just thought about it 30 years later, so I'm not sure that gives it a legit stand. Anyone with insight it most welcome to respond!

Way to go! Working out more will help you see the results you want quicker. Another thought - do you work in an office building? Can you take a few flight of steps a few times a day? I used to do that before. I would go up and down as many times as I could. It's a little at a time, but it adds up before you know it. Keep up the great work. You will get there in time.

Get on a PPI definitely hon. I was hungry like that and someone told me to do this and it worked, definitely. Otherwise, are you getting your water in? That's another mimic of hunger ... when you are thirsty. Make SURE you get your water in (I hate water so I do crystal lite like add ins). Minimally 64 oz a day. Only other question is ... is it really physical hunger or mind hunger? Mindfully eat - and that's the hard part on your WLS journey to learn. Best protein shake on the market (IMO) is "Oh yeah vanilla creme". Little bottles are 130 calories/18 g of protein, big bottles are 32 g protein and 220 calories so it's a meal.

I have not had bread since early June and I don't miss it one bit. I was like you about breads and pasta. I wasn't sure I could give them up but I don't even want them. I bought some flatouts to make little open face tuna melts...but I just prefer the tuna. I do eat some carbs but not very many. I have Fiber One cereal some times and last night I had a turkey roast and a little baked sweet potato. It's really not about what you give up..it's about all you gain. I have lost 73 lbs from my highest weight and a lady stopped me going down the hall at work yesterday and said. "You sure do look good..you have lost a lot of weight but not only that your countenance looks different...you look happier". I told her I am a lot happier and more confident...giving up bread was definantly worth that! I love my sleeve and I am sooooo happy I have it! I can't wait until I am at goal...I didn't give up anything but being fat!

I am so weird. One minute I'm so excited, and the next minute I'm chewing off my nails with nervous energy - which is the playing with the tail and crying scene from Oz, equivalent for me. When I started on the path of knowledge over this procedure (which was a while ago) I remember thinking, "I could never do that" and I graduated to "look at all these people having success with this", to "I could never do that", then on to, "can I get this done"?, and back to, "this will never work for me", and on and on and on... It's like I'm the coin in a coin toss, going from one thing to the next. I was fine making the decision to get this procedure, but not fine once I made the choice. Now I'm second guessing myself as a successful part of the equation in addition to an infinte number of unknown outcomes. Why do I do that?! And maybe that's why weight loss has never been really easy for me. It's as though I don't let myself get too excited because I know failure will arrive soon enough. And that is NOT who I am in my life. Why doesn't this part of me behave like the rest of me? I guess I'm trying to understand how getting this surgery will actually re-set my brain. And maybe it isn't the surgery that does that. Maybe afterward you still have to go up a road you don't recognize, and maybe everyone comes to that road at a different point in the process. I wish it came before this place I'm in now, though. I think that is the reason so many people have trouble with the brain hunger thing. I don't only NOT want to be one of those people, I CAN'T be one of them. I can't be 6 or 8 months post op and feeling like I'm starving to death and eating inappropriately and throwing up, or getting dehydrated or whatever. I can't sing and have all that trauma around my vocal folds. That would be a recipe for disaster for me. How do I cross that bridge beforehand so I can deal with it if/when it happens? And how much energy and effort should I spend trying to solve a problem I don't yet have? I must sound like a crazy person asking how to cross a bridge before I get there. I don't like the unknown, so I'm always at the edge of a big decision asking, REALLY??? OMG! REALLY??? Or, I'll throw myself off without asking a single question, until it's over and done with and I end up saying, "what just happened"? So there's either no thinking or way too much thinking. And now I just want to say that I am such a CHICKEN because of all of this ridiculous questioning! I can't possibly be this much of a coward, can I? What's *wrong* with me?! With all I've overcome and acheived in my life, I can't imagine that something like this has turned me into such a total wuss. I gotta keep getting perspective and focusing on the positive and imagining a huge success. But if I don't find some courage, I'll never go through with it. Thanks for reading. Sorry if I'm boring...

We've been in a fairly stress filled situation the past few months, and recently it has gotten more so. Stress isn't related to my surgery or weight loss........is related to other family issues. Nothing tragic, just stressful. So Wednesday evening, I told my hubby he had to get me outta this house........and being the wonderful charming chap he is......he did. I was just tied in knots and needed to blow off some steam. I don't have any girlfriends that I can share this with, so unfortunately for the hubby, he gets to play that part. In any event, I digress. So, we're riding down the road in his truck, he turns and asks "What do you want to eat?" I replied, "Does it really matter? I'll eat 4 bites and that'll be the end." And, we laughed..........and went for his favorite food......MEXICAN! So, we're sitting in this Mexican cantina, listening to the pitiful "live" music for Wednesday night and it happened......... I found myself wishing I could just stuff myself with food (chips, queso, salsa) and beverage (code word for Dos Rita - Dox Equis beer inverted in top shelf Margarita!) so............(now this was an eye opener for me)........I could FEEL BETTER!!! OMG!!!!! It's been 1 1/2 months since surgery and not once has that thought crossed my mind. Typically, I'm giggling at being the world's cheapest date, but somehow with all this stress, I WANTED to EAT and DRINK. I can't (stuff me with food and drink) and I gotta say it is so good to be saved from myself. But it does leave me wondering....is this part of how I got fat in the first place. I know it is, part of it. I can look back at food journals and see I dove off the wagon in times of great stress, usually self directed hatred at my own short comings.........and then the cycle started up. What to do with this new self discovery? How do I fill the space gluttony used to take in my life? More so, do I fill that space? Maybe the space where gluttony used to live.............is kinda like when I clean out my closet. I clean out what I don't want any more so I have room for all the new, cool, groovy, awesome stuff I want now. Or maybe I just leave it as a reminder that it leads somewhere I just don't want to go..........like those ugly, ugly jackets with the linebacker shoulder pads from the 80s!