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The only excuse I have for having totally dropped of the VSG website is that life has gone absolutely NUTS (as in working 6 days a week at my full time job, and doing wedding cakes for my side business) and the fact that my computer hates this site. It locks up like crazy everytime I try and bounce on to check out whats going on. *rolls eyes* At some point I'll get around to fixing that.... So what's been going on with moi, you ask? Well, my sixth month surgiversary is nigh (2.5 weeks away!) and I am down 85 pounds and a hell of a lot of inches. I actually slipped into Onederland about 2 weeks ago. That was....hard. You would think I would have jumped up and down (if you heard a strange noise at 5am EST that was me, squealing like a little girl) but I actually had a mini freak out. My dad had this surgery and I know that he had a hard time mentally as the pounds slipped away. A sort of brain/body disconnect that stressed him out (he's better now). I didn't have any problem as I slipped down into the low 200s...but something about going below 200 freaked me out. I didn't realize how much my weight was wrapped up in my self-image (duh, right?) and that I used it as an excuse to not engage the world. When I no longer had that my subconscious was sucking on its thumb, rocking back and forth while clutching the metaphorical blankie at the 'stressful' idea that I was becoming 'normal'. And that maybe the cute guy at work was flirting with me the other day. *blush*. So after having a very stern talk with my subconscious, taking away the blankie, and putting tabasco on it's thumb we are both finally on the same page. Granted, I'm now dealing with sullen teenager subconscious, but whatever. (Yes, I'm joking. I realized after re-reading this that my metaphor made me sound like I had multiple personalities. Frankly, if I had multiple personalities one of them had better be a kick ass Valkyrie. Or a dragon. Or Xena. Sometihng much more interesting than a sukly subconscious with thumb-sucking issues. But that's another blog entry....) So now I'm at 195.2 with 55 more to go. Did I mention that I (and other people) can actually SEE my collarbones?! It's been so long since I could see them underneath my skin that I find myself constantly touching them (as if they're gonna disapear or something). I felt so stupid as I realized this after I got out of the shower and was brushing my hair. I had looked into the mirror and though, "What are those weird bumps under my skin". Yeah, facepalm time. *laughs at self*. Still, very, very cool. Also, as a side note, does anybody else notice how uncomfortable it is to sit sometimes now? I swear my butt is so boney and I'm not used to sitting on it rather than all the extra padding that used to be there! So what else is going on in the Life Of Lyra? I haven't been able to exercise much in the last few weeks because I got Tboned in a vicious gocart accident. Don't snicker! It was horrible! My friends and I were on an adult gocart track where the things go up to 20 mph when I got clipped which caused my gocart to flip horizontal to the track. Then this douchebag Tboned me and promptly started swearing at ME! The harness that we wore went over the shoulders and crossed at the waist and chest area. Basically the force of the hit caused the buckle of the harness at chest level to dig into my ribs and cracked them. I literally had a bruise the size of my open hand across my ribs. Along with black bruises going over my shoulders, across my stomach, and on my legs. Plus a 'rugburn' across my neck where the shoulder part dug in. Lots of pain. Then (as if I wasn't in enough trouble) I got bronchitis. Has anybody ever had to cough with cracked ribs? Yeah, it sucks. Major. But I am now on the mend and am looking forward to running soon. So what have I learned over the last 5.5 months? That this was the best decision that I have ever made. That I actually enjoy eating mostly veggies and fuits and that a girl really can happily survive without pasta and pizza in her life. That physical exercise is fun. That the amount of food restaurants give out is nauseating. That life is amazing! That in a few weeks I turn 30 and that for the first time in 10 years I feel....worthy. That I am not damaged and all the things that used to make me grab a snickers bar and stuff myself are not worth it. That life is beautiful and crazy in all its mysteries and that I CANNOT wait to see what happens next. I think I'm going to join a dating site, or maybe even get up the nerve to ask the cute guy at work out. I'm joining a kickboxing group with a friend and some other friends and I are going to take climbing lessons. And I'm going to FINALLY buy a pair of zipup knee high boots, because my calves FIT IN THEM! Oh, and this time last year when I was humiliated at the State Fair when I couldn't fit in any of the rides and had to get off in front of all those people and I went home a cried all night? This year those rides better watch out! I've bought 2 full packs of tickets and I plan on using Every. Last. One. Of. Them. *wicked smile*

My mother left at 7am this morning. My hubby left for work at 8am. So here I am all by myself. Well, thank goodness I'm feeling better. Slept about 6 hours straight without having to get up and take pain pills (tylenol). So at noon, after I made my own lunch, pureed chicken salad, I found my car keys and went to the store! Woot Woot! I can still drive! LOL. Felt good to have my freedom back. Unfortunately was only at store about 10-15 min and had to leave-bowels were talking to me-and they said "Let's go!". I have stopped the stool softeners but I have had really loose stools the last 2 days. Better than no stools-which I did for 6 days. I'm wearing my Danskin 8 inch binder with a washcloth folded over the area on my left that is still bothering me, it seems to be working. Looking forward to seeing my surgeon Friday-got some questions!

I'm sitting here, working in my home office, dressed in jeans and a soft, thin, brushed red sweater. Why is that such a big deal? Well, because the jeans are size 16 and the sweater is from American Eagle, size XL. These are normal sized clothes and they aren't binding or pinching or look gross. I look normal. I'm still 200+ pounds and have more to lose than I have thus far, but this is just so awesome. This is the first time in 15+ years I've worn normal clothes and felt so comfortable. I love my sleeve. I love my surgeon...........and I love my hubby most of all, because thru thin, emaciatedly thin, thick, thicker and thickest this man has loved me for me. When I was so uncomfortable in my own skin, when I was a younger me, angry with myself for what I felt I had done to myself..........this man loved me. And I sit here now, happy as can be, sipping tea, wearing jeans with a soft red sweater...............enjoying the little things...........and the littler me.

Super excited scared & nervious all at the same time..I finally got my first appt on Oct 16!!! I know its only my first consultion but its a start to a new begging ...

I have learned that the weight loss journey is very personal. Yes, we can glean support and some answers from people on this sight, but what works for them may not be for you. Each of us has our own issues with food that lead to us becoming obese and each must deal with those issues inside of us. That is so hard, especially if those issues have been there for many years. We can go through all the psych evals in the world, but nothing will prepare us for the journey - the ups and downs. It's human nature to compare ourselves to others, so then the question and frustration start - well so and so lost dat-ta-dat in 3 months why haven't I. Weight loss is dependant on so many things and I have studied and googled every thing I can to learn. Basically what I have learn is what I have always known in order to lose weight I must have a calorie deficit. That being said I never really knew how many calories I needed a day. Through research I found that you need to know your BMR- they amount of calories you would burn if you just stayed in the bed all day long. I always make sure my calories are below my BMR. But because the BMR is based on your height, age, weight each persons will be different. So I have started to look more at me, not everyone else. I have stopped compairing myself with others. I look to me, what me I do, what must KIM do to succeed. I am the only one who can be successful for me, I must take responsiblity for my actions or lack there of. If I fail, I fail- not my doctor, not this site, not my nutritionist, but me because I failed to take responsibility for me. So today I take resposibility for myself and I will be accountable for what I do or don't do. I will celebrate my success and I will look at my failures as a learning tool. Support is awesome, but we must look at ourselves and into ourselves to make the changes we must to be succesful on this journey! I wish you success on your Journey and I hope that I can help you on your road.

Let me start with this; no matter how much knowledge you accumulate before this surgery, you can’t be fully prepared as to what will happen after surgery. I went through and read so many posting of people struggling with food, cheating, wondering why they hadn’t lost weight. I couldn't understand how someone could go through this surgery and do that to themselves. I knew I would NEVER jeopardize my health or my new little sleeve after surgery by cheating or going off the Dr.’s plan... Surgery went great, I lived through it and recovered quickly with the most pain being the first few hours after getting out. Within days I was able to take normal drinks of liquids and stayed on a liquid diet with no hunger until Monday morning (4 days out). Tuesday I ended up eating five saltines and boy did I beat myself up for it. I called my Dr. and begged for them to change my one week appointment to Wednesday instead of Friday because I physically felt like I could NOT wait all week to start full fluids and protein shakes. Appointment got changed. Wednesday morning I went and saw the PA and she said I was OK-ed for full liquids and soft foods. I was 16.8 lbs down at the first week visit. So that day I had two eggs and several bites of my husband’s country fried steak for breakfast. Two hours later I felt famished and had some more of his country fried steak. I continued eating eggs with cheese, slivers of crockpot roast, pan fried chicken w skin, lunch meat, cheese, turkey jerky bites, salami w cream cheese rolled with a pepperchini topped with green olives ( I ate around 25 of these over a five hour period, felt like I couldn’t stop eating them). My sleeve tolerated it with no problems. I realized the insane cravings for copious amounts of food came from me being on my period. Btw, weighed Monday morning and I GAINED 5lbs, not surprised in the least. Sunday Day 10 comes and it was a HUGE turning point. Went to my Grandpa's to celebrate a family birthday and He made tri tip, a whole ham, all the sides. So I put a slice of ham and tri tip w green beans on my plate. I start with the ham and green beans, I get an ounce of ham down and get a terrible fullness and gas in my stomach. Strange, I never had that before. I literally could not eat anymore and I felt sick. So I go home and my husband’s friends are over and they make chicken and mushrooms for a late dinner. I eat a small piece of slightly greasy chicken and 10 mins after I am in the bathroom puking. FINALLY!!!! I feel like my sleeve is working. I get totally full off 1-2oz instead of the 4-6oz I was consuming. I am shocked. The hunger is minimal and comes up around the 3 to 4 hrs after last meal. Insane! The last few days it’s been hard to get to 400 calories, are you kidding me?? I didn’t think it was possible judging from the four day binge I went on. I also switched back to softer food. I know I was justifying food as soft that was not in the soft category. Now I'm eating tuna salmon, baby shrimp and eggs. I lost 2 1/2 of the lbs I gained. I honestly do not know why there was such a delay in me feeling the effects of the sleeve. It took a long time for me to be able to pass gas, almost 6 days because my bowls were having problems "waking up" after surgery. Maybe my stomach did too? This is my husband's theory and it is the only one that makes sense as to how I was fitting so much food in and never feeling satisfied until Day 10. I did NOT plan on sharing this with anyone. It is embarrassing and shameful. I jeopardized my health because I didn’t get control over my hunger. But I decided to share because maybe someone else out there is new out of surgery with a ravenous appetite and might possibly be able to relate or learn from my mistakes. More importantly I would hate for anyone to feel as hopeless as I did, thinking that this surgery was a total mistake. During those few days I would not have trusted anyone had they told me things would get better and eventually my hunger would subside -- but it DID! Every person's body is so unique and will be different through this process. For some of us it takes longer to reap the benefits of this surgery. And trying to distinguish between real hunger and head hunger is no joke, I think this will take years for me to deal with. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. So keep jugging along... I think can! I think I can!

finally reached onderland yesterday....yay!!!!! i havent been below 200 in 10 years....it's a wonderful feeling for sure!

Hello All, Long time no blog! I have been traveling a lot lately for work but I managed to get in my pre-op testing and I am waiting for the insurance submittal. Let me tell you, it all has tried my patience. My surgeon's team has been really great but the nutritionist piece was a nightmare. Under staffed and they are mean! The office staff treats me like I have the plague and I have read about how others have been treated. So I have some words to share. Dear Nutritionists, PCP's and others involved in this process: Don't get me wrong, I get that people start this process and think it is a magic pill or quick fix as the media portrays it, but I do not. I have studied and read and read and read books, websites, blogs, etc. I have a friend who has been through RNY WLS. I know you do not know this about me but please don't judge me. Please try to get to know me and treat me like I have feelings. I am SCARED! I am so scared it makes me shake. This is life altering. We NEED your help and your compassion. I am a patient and human being. I have been picked on, ignored and belittled my whole life for my weight. I want you to be able to answer my questions and not look at me with disgust. I NEED this surgery. I really have tried to lose weight and I need help. It took everything I have to walk in the seminar that day. I had to ADMIT I was Morbidly Obese. Don't get mad when we are desperate for our medical records. We are clinging to a string of hope and terrified that we will be denied. Oh and it is not funny. It is not 'elective surgery' to us. We just want to be happy and healthy. We want to start our lives and not be and feel humiliated on planes, in amusement parks, at the movies, on buses....... We don't want to be the fat person in the room or the fat friend anymore. Contrary to popular belief, WE WANT TO BE IN CONTROL. You are our life line. Every day that passes we die a little inside. Please remember this the next time you dismiss me or my community. Signed, The Scared Fat Girl

I thought I would keep this blog better, but it has been a ROUGH week! Surgery Monday, Oct.1, 7:30am. recovery was a blur, brought to my room, then after first thing to sip and a pain pill I puked till I thought I was gonna die! It hurt so bad I cried - which made it worse! Staff was good, most of the time, I had terrible gas in my left shoulder and had to have moist warm compresses-which my mother applied first, then staff brought more. The leak test on day 2 was bad, and when they wanted me to stand in front of the machine and drink the liquid from hell I was like, "are you kidding?" I was getting up to the bathroom with my mom on one side and my daughter on the other. By the afternoon of the second day they brought in physical therapy to get me walking the halls. I was given a fancy wheeled walker with a seat-in case I had to sit, and as I was shuffling down the hall I was thinking " I was just at the gym on Saturday, now I'm using a walker!! Holy crap!" The pain was definitely more than I expected, and the nausea was overwhelming. I was constantly dizzy and weak and nauseous. I went home Wednesday afternoon and just barely survived the one hour drive-the interstate is bumpier than I remember! Thursday my mother made me my first pureed meal, and surprisingly it was good. God Bless Mom! I'm still having pain in my upper left abdomen, under one incision. It feels like something is pulling and sometimes it really brings tears to my eyes, like this morning when I almost fell out of bed (trying to get out in log role fashion like every day) and I tried to catch myself. I screamed and my hubby woke up and helped me back in to bed as I just sobbed and sobbed. Is it worth it? I don't know yet. If this pain will just go away-or at least get less intense I may get more positive. I see my surgeon on Friday but don't think I'll get a lot of answers. "Just give it time", yea, yea, easy to say when you're not in pain! In the meantime, Mom has to leave in the next 1-2 days, I don't know what I will do without her! My hubby is taking a crash course in how to make pureed food taste decent-but I am afraid I will be doing my own cooking when she leaves. :-(

I have two sons and one daughter. My boys are the oldest, Eric is 31, Adam is 26, and Rachael is 23. They are all adults and I am proud of all of them. My daughter was one of the first people I told as we have a close relationship. My boys were both in the Army and are very physically fit and active. I had chosen not to tell them of my surgery earlier as I feared their reaction and the look of disappointment from them. But I finally came out to them this week. Adam lives in Anchorage, Alaska and I had to tell him over the phone, which was not the best situation. He was confused at first, then started with the questions, "Why?" "Can't you just go on another diet?" "What if something happens?" . So I tried to explain the physiology to him and eventually just tried to describe how my heath could be improved over the long term with this procedure. After we hung up he texted me that he is just worried about the possibilities of something going wrong and he's not ready to lose his momma, but he understands that I need to improve my health and he supports me 100%. It made me cry. Then the next night I went to dinner with my oldest son and his wife and my grandsons. I had already told his wife the week before (and I think she let the cat out of the bag) and while sitting in the living room before dinner (just he and I) I said I needed to come clean about my surgery that was coming up on Monday. At first he said he thought my surgery was later in the month but then he said, "ok?" . I said I will be having more than a hiatal hernia repair, actually the surgeon will be removing a large portion of my stomach. He just looked at me and said "ok". I said this is to help me not only lose weight but to maintain it over the long term. He said, "ok, is it anything I should be worried about?" I said, not anymore than any other surgery. He said, "ok". THAT WAS IT. I don't know if I'm relieved at his reaction or saddened that he apparently doesn't care. I'm trying to stay positive and think that probably his wife told him already and he had gotten over the shock before talking to me. She is a nurse also and Eric is so VERY not medically inclined. I think its ok he doesn't know, or care to know, all the possible complications. Now I feel like I've told everyone that matters and I can go into surgery in peace.