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I had a very nice supper last night with family. Everyone prayed for me when the meal was blessed. It was a grand finale of the old days and my dad outdid himself. Today I had my first protein shake. I'm so relieved it quenched my hunger. I am going to make it through this day, and beyond that, I'm not going to wonder. Caffeine hasn't been the huge withdrawal I expected. I don't know yet if that's God's grace or just a delayed onset. I am eager for the surgery to be done and over with. Still 10 days away.

The first step toward change begins with me. I took mine two weeks ago when I met with my doctor to discuss bariatric surgery options. She was encouraging and asked me to call the surgeon. I did and got an appointment for the next day. I met with the surgeon, got more encouragement, a lot of information and told I should hear something within 3-4 weeks. The first week of waiting went well. The second... not so well. The inside of my head is pretty crowded right now.This has been a tough but typical week. Whenever I reach up to climb out of the hole I have dug for myself (looks a lot like a grave, come to think of it) something always manages to grab hold and pull me back. It's as if there are other people inhabiting me. They have been with me for much of my life and they are not shy. I find them as attention hogs; arrogant, controlling, negative. (Funny how similar they are to my mother, not that I want to blame her). Sabotage, Anxiety and Doubt...that's their names. They tend to wait until I'm alone to do their work. They are cunning and determined. I believe in standing in my truth and being accountable for my actions. I know I am strong enough to follow the requirements for success. Why am I vulnerable to these three? Constant good intentions that are forgotten in an instant and replaced with thoughts as if I am choosing my last meal in the next minute. I find this battle accelerates within me the more I think of what's ahead. I am concerned about complications and disappointment both with myself and with others. I'm tired and I've lived without hope for awhile. I pray both Sabotage and Doubt will shut up and leave me alone. I know I can do this. I embrace the idea of having support and guidance to walk the path with me. Dammit. Anxiety must have decided to come visit me as well, eh?

All of my life I have been bigger. With that said, I didn't really care becasue I was always in shape and very active. I played tennis is high school and swam every day. I would hike when I was able and I could slam the crap out of a racquetball ball. Then BAM!!!! That all changed 18 years ago. I was 20 years old, in college, and having the time of my life when my disc decided it didn't like the home it had and that it wanted to go explore the rest of my back. The first two years after this happened, I was still able to do some activities, but I had to be mindful of my back. Then, over time, it got worse and I did less and less until I could no longer fathom the idea of doing any activity. Truth is, when you deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, you get tired of it and you want to do anything you can to get it to stop. My anything was doing nothing. Now, after my surgery I have been doing more than I have in years. I walk almost daily or do some other type of cardio. And even though I'm still in horrible pain, I figure it's worth it to be healthy. I am only 5 months out and I have lost over 100lbs from my highest weight and around 75 from my surgery day. Now, you can't lose that much weight that fast with out some repercussions. And trust me, I have some. If you have read my blog for awhile, you know that I have already commented about my boobs. For those of you who don't know, my boobs are the things I miss the most. Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked, I sing, "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?" They seem to hang a little lower every day. I'm starting to think they are depressed. Maybe I should give them some antidepressants to perk them back up....do you think that would work? I wish!!! I had just learned to accept my boobs then out of nowhere I noticed something today that totally caught me off guard. I have wings!!! You know the extra skin under your arm that just hangs there and flops back and forth. I thought I was doing well with not getting any of that. I have made sure that I have worked my arms (with my shake weight, and while walking) but apparently that hasn't been enough. I am 38 years old and I have the back, boobs and arms of an 80 year old. Then, to make it just a little worse, I can start to see the extra skin on my tummy. My oh my, I'm just going to be skinny...yes, the pun was intended. But seriously people....it sucks. We work so hard following the program, doing what we need to do, and fighting daily urges to not eat certain things and to keep active and yet some of us will still have these issues. I guess I'll have to accept my new wings like I accepted my boobs. I can't do anything about it right now. The good thing is that now I won't have to pay those high prices for airfare. I can just hold out my arms on a windy day and "Fly like and eagle". Now, if only I can find something useful for my droopy boobs to do....that's going to take some thought.

With the help of my daughter, Rachael, put together the treadmill that I had ordered from JCPenney. It's a lot bigger than I figured - and heavier! It won't even fit through my doorways. So it is parked in the livingroom-Dan has not seen it yet-can't wait!! We also went shopping for a few more "post-op" things. 3 water jugs-with measurements on the side, one 64 oz, and 2 32 oz. Also a nice robe and nightgown for the hospital, as well as underwear, socks, and soft athletic bras. Earlier I went grocery shopping and went to Kroger (I usually go to walmart) and found some neat high protein things for post surgery. Now I am working on getting ahead on my homework!

I AM SO FREAKIN SICK OF THIS DAMN LIQUID DIET*lol*, Monday can't get here fast enough just so I can start the puree stage of my diet. How many of you guys know what I am talking about?

Hi people! It has been a while since I posted,I am back at work/school and it has been more than a little busy. I am really really thankful that I have been able to swap my break and lunch duties around so for once I actually get to sit down and have half an hour to eat during my crazily hectic schedule. It has been a godsend. My exercise routine has been totally knocked flat though as I am getting home so late and exhausted. The good news is that my WEEKS long stall has shifted, and I am in onederland! 198.4 lb's today! YAY! I have bought a few work clothes in a smaller size, and everyone commented in the first few days back on my WL which was nice. My standard answer to questions is- "changed my diet, been swimming a lot..." Onwards and downwards!

It is so true the title of this. Rewards are just as important as goals. Goals are nice but being rewarded and allowing yourself to live a little is what life is all about. Remember to have fun while you're on this journey and not focus too much on the numbers. I think I finally broke my scale habit. I haven't been on it in 5 days now. I will weigh in on Monday. My Wife and I just booked a couple of nights stay at The Jewel at Rockefeller Center early December. I have never been to NYC in my life. I've traveled through up state a lot and have been to Cooperstown Baseball Hall of Fame but never the big city. I have a long way to go in my weight loss journey but now I have a goal to lose as much as I can before this trip. This is not only a goal but also a reward. I have finally dropped enough where I can easily walk a mile without getting to tired. My Wife has been wanting to go every year since we've been married so now I can finally take her. I haven't been this excited since our Disney trip in 2006 when I proposed in the Rose Garden at Magic Kingdom.

July 30th....the day of my new me...... Well allow me to share a little insight..... Well I'v done it....I have walk the desert (as my mason friends would say)....Let me tell you it was a journey that no matter how I prepared...I was not prepared for. I stayed away from the boards purposely, because I did not want to frighten or speak negatively on the surgery. It was very difficult initially because of the medical problems I had to endure (one of which, is being unable to take pain medication). Had I gotten online initially I would have screamed the horrors of this God Forsaken surgery and who....with any intelligence at all would succumb to this beast called the SLEEVE!!!! But now 45 days away from the faithful day called "surgery" I am happy, I am smiling, I am learning, and creating new ways for myself....I have not been so happy....yes I have stalled, and yes I have slimed, yes I have had the lump in my chest that seems to want to explode...I have passed the rabbit pellets, and I have had many a day of laugher on how my body has responded to what is happening to it.....BUT... I am so glad to have made this decision. Each day is a step into sunshine, sometimes with a few clouds....but even those clouds are beautiful now...and I will peer into them and make shapes out of those puffy marshmellows, instead of endulging in the doldrumsss......The feeling of achieving a goal and starting a new one is so amazing to me at this age....(okay not that I'm old) but sometimes we forget that the new wonders surrounding us on a daily basis. I have slipped into some old jeans (yep some sergio's that is no longer any where near style but)....WHAT A THRILL.... Who would have thought....the diva in me would escape again.....im loving it ...my children are loving it ....and my love is totally estactic....I have always smiled brightly ...but right now my smile can equate to a solar flare....just 45 pounds....what the hell is gonna happen when I hit 60, never mind whats gonna happen when i finally slip under 200.....watch out now......world get ready.....Im here to take over.... My growth has been in the worst times....when those scars would not heal....when the thought of one more bite of mash potatoes or apple sauce would turn me into a ingnorant maniac....but all of the sudden I remember the feeling of going through the hell called basic training....or the hell called breast cancer .....shoot even the hell of raising two teenagers who knew everything in the world and thought I belonged in a (well never mind I divest)...Each and everyone of those journeys has brought more pride and and feeling of empowerment to my journey.....well guess what ....I'M BACKCKKK....and this new road or shall I say adventure... will will bring me out of it like a shine piece of steel put through the fire and well tested....I say...bring life on...I am so readyyyyyy!!!!

I'm down 2.6 lbs again, this morning. I'm tired from trying to do some things yesterday and from the increase in pain from moving around. The belly binder works nicely to stop the jiggling, but it itches and kind of rubs the one incision line, and is making it bleed a little, so I took it off instead of loosening it, to allow the slice lines to get air. Pain is higher without the binder on, though. Monday is my post-op appointment, and I have no one to drive me, so I'm going to have to do it myself. They office wont' change the appointment, either....so, I'll take it easy this weekend, and just try to get that healing protein in...and dream a little of meatballs at the Bloomsburg fair. I have not been this "light" since the beginning semesters of my internships a few years ago. I cannot wait to get down a lot more. Seeing some pounds fall off me is ecouraging...helps me be strong and motivated, and feel a little more positivity, and helps me to look to the future more. My son is still ill, and he is wearing a face mask. He must shower as soon as he gets in the door, and sanitize his hands every 15-60 minutes. I missed my little buddy, since he has to stay in his room to protect me...so I had him come down here with me and keep real clean and away from me so he can watch some tv. My intercostal muscles still hurt. I had felt like I had the body aches from flu after the surgery, and that stiffness and soreness is still here. I'm still black and blue from being dug with needles in the hospital, but at least those sites don't hurt, anymore. I want to stop taking pain meds....maybe Sunday will be a good day for that....since I have to be on the road at 7am on Monday to drive an hour and a half to the hospital.

Well this is day 2 of my quest to not only not gain weight before surgery (or my doc will not schedule) but to also follow a low cal, low carb eating plan. I have done really well so far today, just had a great scoop of chicken salad which I ate with slices of cucumber. I used the cucumber just as if it were crackers....yum! Today seems easier than yesterday was. I also went to my pcp today and I completed all required pre-op testing except for the ultrasound. Soonest appt is the end of the month but at least I will end Sept knowing everything is done and just waiting to be submitted for authorization.