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March 6th had arrived. I was so freaking excited!! My parents had decided to take the boys to the lake for a week so I could recover. The only thing that was giving a twinge of worry was the drain. I am not good with medical things. I even hide my eyes and gag a little when a doctor gives a shot on TV. So this drain is a huge source of panic in my world. My surgery was scheduled for noon. I had to be at the hospital at 10 am. That gives me time to sleep in a little, spend a little time with my family, and reassure my husband that this is what I want to do. I am going to a side note here, but this is not a sillly observation, it is a sincere one. My husband is someone that I can say truely loves me. Not who I think I am or who I want to be, just me. He has loved me at size 12 (when he met me), size 18 (when he married me) and size 22 (when he followed me into the hospital that morning) and all the ups and downs in between. He has never made me feel fat or ugly. He is truely a beautful human being. When I made the decision to do this, I saw the panic on his face. Not because of the money or time, but because he said he is scared to live without me. I have had to give my brother my medical power or attorney because my husband said he won't pull the plug. He said he can't be the one to kill me. He did assure me that he respects my decision and will not fight my brother; he said he just can't be the one that makes that decision. So, at 9:30 we dropped my boys off at daycare. With tears in my eyes, I kissed them each good-bye. I knew that I was going to be fine, but there is always that chance. Telling your kids good-bye is a little scary when it might be the last time. I sent my step-daughter a message telling her I loved her. Then, we started out for the hospital. I was chatty and my husband was nervous. He did not feel like talking so we fussed at each other. I took it with a grain of salt. I knew he wasn't mad at me. When checked into the hospital, we were immediately sent to the pre-op (no time to change my mind). I weighed in there and I had officially lost 20 pounds before my surgery. Woo-hoo!!! I was put in my room, changed my clothes, and met all the pre-op nurses. My parents and mother-in-law joined us and helped me pass the time. I cherish those moments. I guess when you are in a situation like this, you sit back and thank God for the little things that make us happy and my family is it. The nurses came in and tried to start an IV. Because I had been on a liquid diet for a week and clear liquids the day before and NPO since midnight, I was a little dehydrated. It took two nurses one hour to find a vein they could use. They kept saying, "Your veins are so deep". (Sidenote: If any of you are nurses reading this, when you say something like "your veins are so deep" what your patient hears is "You are so fat, your arms are even carrying a load. Stop eating cake, fat butt" Well, they finally got the IV started in my hand using a baby needle. If that didn't solidify my decision about having this surgery I don't know what could have. The time had come and they were finally wheeling me to the OR. The nurses are just talking away. I finally looked up and said "You know I know what you are saying". The nurse looked at me in shock. They apparently forgot to give me the wacky juice I was supposed to get before they carted me off. When I got to the OR, a line of nurses was waiting for me. They even did the wave as I passed by. I said "They forgot the wacky juice, I am soooo going to remember you doing that!" Everyone laughed and began talking at once. I was able to help them get me to the operating bed. I talked to the doctor that was going to put me to sleep (Side note: I know what the name is and no idea how to spell it, so don't judge!) I mentioned to him that I was going to remember speaking to him and I BETTER NOT remember any of that surgery. He promised me that he hasn't had a patient remember in 18 years, and he promised not to blemish that record. Thankfully, he was right. Unfortunately, when I woke up, I did not like him or anyone else very much. I HURT!!!!!. . .

Emotional Vampires & Toxic People... I'm doing an inventory of all my relationships, family, friends, etc. who have been instrumental in giving me bad advice, not being encouraging, or just breaking my heart, and hurting my feelings. How many people are really my friends because they like having a fat friend as a wingman? My family who tells me that WLS is a cop out? The exbf who said he's just not that attracted to "big girls". It's time to clean house, and dump the negative and replace it with the positive. I didn't lose as much I wanted to this week because I was too busy crying and getting caught up in my feelings. Call it calorie deprevation, stupid toxic people, exhaustion, or whatever, I was tired, and I was done. I had to make some apologies to some people this week for ripping off their heads, when in reality it wasn't them I was mad at- I couldn't communicate because I've kept my surgery private. So it's hard to express to people what I'm going through or feeling, when they have no earthly idea. I've got to just cut off certain people, and chill out with others. Time to find that zen place in my life. Annnnnddddd MONDAY is my 1 month sleeve anniversary! I will be doing another post on Monday with my before and after pics side by side. I've definitly lost inches and I'm trying to focus hard on my training and not so much on anything else. So tune back in Monday for all the fabulous pics and help me celebrate my 1 month Sleeve-versary! Height: 5'9 Heighest Weight: 216 1st Goal Weight: 169 Sleeved 8/17/2012 @ 216 lbs Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2) Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2) Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8) Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)

Today I am doing something I haven't done in FIFTEEN YEARS (15) YEARS!!! I left my house with my shirt tucked in and put on a belt. HOLY COW!!! Actually, skinny cow!!!! I am so excited. And people are talking. I have had a TON of people ask me how it feels. I am so freakin' happy. I just had my 6 month anniversary and I have lost 74 pounds. If you are just starting this journey, stay strong. One day you too will leave your house with your shirt tucked in!!!

Wow, when they said I might have hair loss they weren't kidding! I just started my Bosley shampoo/conditioner/hair regrowth treatments and I hope that they kick in soon. Every time I shower I literally have hunks of hair falling out into my hands. Yuck! I'm not exactly happy about this, but I'm resigned that its happening and will continue to happen for awhile. On the other hand, I'm so DAMNED excited that I'm 9 itty bitty pounds away from ONEDERLAND! I haven't been this weight since college. I went shopping the other day and was able to find clothing in the regular section of the store. I about started to cry! Actually my friends had to keep pulling me away from the plus size clothes because I kept thinking that's where I needed to be. I actually where between a L and a XL in shirts and am a 14 in pants. Not bad since I started at almost a 3XL and a size 24! I look into the mirror and I think "I look pretty". It's been sooooo long since I thought that. I'm still flabbergasted about how much my life has changed in a little over 3 months. This is the BEST decision I've ever made. I'm hoping to lose a full 100 pounds by my sixth month surgiversary. That will put me at the weight I was my senior year of high school at 180. Then I just need to lose 40 more itty bitty pounds and will be at my doctor's suggested weight for my height and body build. I'm going on a rockin' vacation in February and hope to be, if not at my goal weight, to be within spitting distance of it. Thank GOD I decided to do this. I don't regret a moment of the pain, crazy hormones, or stress that I've gone through over the last few months. Literally this has been the best decision EVER. Now, if only my hair would stop falling out.....*amused*

Well, I know I have lost weight because I can put on my jeans today. I do not own a scale and I have issues with using more like abusing them so I refuse to purchase one. Tomorrow I am finally allowed to go back to water aerobics which I am really looking forward to that. I have been exercising on my recumbant bike and walking the dog. I have been having trouble adjusting to the change of life style. I remember saying to my mom the other day how I missed dieting for just half the day. I miss the freedom of eating what I want when I want it; spoken like a true addict! Yet I am also grateful I don't have that option. The one thing I thought I would get out of this surgery was to never feel hungry again, what an idiotic thing to have thought but nonetheless I thought it. I feel hungry now more often than I ever have before. One because I can only eat a few bites and two before I was eating all the time therefore I never got the opportunity to feel hungry often. I remember pre-surgery getting hungry my response was to panic and then stuff my face because the feeling was so uncomfortable, foreign and anxiety inducing that was the only thing I could do in the moment. This surgery has caused me to face getting hungry a few times a day and it is getting easier. The thing is to slow down. I ate too fast and was in tremendous amount of pain the other day. I am physically all better, completely healed but mentally it's a jungle in there. I am greatful I took a full three weeks off from work because the stress of all the change can be a bit much at times. The first few days I was regretting my decision but now I know this was the path I had to walk. I had tried everything and given up, I'm a quitter, this pathway has no exit options. I can't get my stomach back, though it would have been nice to have had a funeral for it. It allowed me to eat and comfort myself when I needed comfort as a child. It was a good friend I just wasn't a good friend to it. I like that I don't count calories and if I chose to for some insane reason, I wouldn't get very high. The goal is 600-800 and sometimes that is a stretch goal. The only thing I count now is protein and I am going to saying it here because I say it every where else I hate protein shakes. I am tired of them. It's a good thing I love chicken and greek yogurt since it is my diet now. The foods I miss most are fruits and vegetables. I would love to have a salad and I can't have one, makes me laugh then cry. I also miss pizza, cake and right now chocolate, but I would love to have a chicken pecan salad even if only a couple bites and popcorn (went to the movies with a protein shake healthy but missed the popcorn). But what is really great is that my high blood pressure is gone, it left like a thief in the night after my surgery and is still gone. Also another plus is that it doesn't hurt to move and riding my recumbant bike is actually pleasurable. I kinda like all the change even though is it is scary, at least it's new before life was the same old thing and now not so much.

How truly excited am I to begin this new chapter of my life? There are no true words to describe it. I find myself standing in a visible cross roads, tomorrow I cross to the right path. I decided for once that I was going to take a stand and truly take control of my life and health, and that no longer will I make or allow excuses for myself. I never remember myself being thin, since I was a small child I was nagged about my weight. When have I worn a single digit dress size? well that's easy, never. At 29, I decided enough is enough and decided to jump head first into this expirience. I am putting myself first for once. So now I am writing my first blog entry on the eve of my surgery. I am so excited, yes there are nerves and questions on what to expect but what is the most amazing its the incredible level of hope. Hope that I can do this, Hope that I will be able to live a rewarding and fulfilling life, Hope that it brings a bucketload of blessings and opportunities Once my mind was made up, I went for it. The entire process for me from seminar to surgery has been 6 weeks. My job gave me amazing insurance that did not require a 6-month diet; a primary physician that did everything in his power to get me this help; friends and family that have demonstrated a sheer level of love and support that I did not think it was possible. And here I am, 14 days into my pre-op liquid diet, hungry, cranky but sooooooo happy. The diet was the hardest thing I have done so far, I was so strict and on point. Imagine this I spent 10 of those days vacationing in Puerto Rico and I could not drink or eat anything I wanted while every one else indulged. I never cheated, not once because I knew how important this is for me. What was the result of the effort? I have lost an amazing 20 pounds and I can't even believe it. Tomorrow I get banded and I will treasure the beginning of my new life. Good luck to everyone on their journey and I hope that in whatever comes next just keep that initial hope. I know I will :-)

lately I have being thinking about being such a pleaser.Not only a peoples pleaser but everything and everybody.Not a happy pleaser either for the past few years. When you st unrealistic standards you are doomed to fail.Not only that my fear of failure and success has become a serious stumbling block in my life. My friend ( very successful lady) always says she is a plodder.She just starts somewhere without contemplating the whole big picture and adjusts as things play out.Me on the other hand needs the see the outcome even before I have started and I have become stuck as everything has the potential not to be perfect. And when the scale moves down I can be positive about the long term outcome and when it doesnt I feel dread coming my way. It is also stopping me in other aspects of my life which really needs changing.If something can be accomplished fast in a short time I can see the big picture but most things in life just dont happen that fast. So this is my resolve.In order for me to do a different degree (I have one in nursing,got it 25 years ago,never needed math for that) I have to do IGCSE math and English.That is like year 10 math.I felt very resentful of this for years and would lose the plot completely because I just didnt want to do it as it would waste another year of my life.This year I am going to do it.Like a little 15 year old.But maybe starting somewhere again will teach me the patience I lack to just plod along and finally reach the end of something.And maybe this will help me along this weight loss journey that is a journey forever and not only for now. Weight 205 today!

Well this is day 2 of my quest to not only not gain weight before surgery (or my doc will not schedule) but to also follow a low cal, low carb eating plan. I have done really well so far today, just had a great scoop of chicken salad which I ate with slices of cucumber. I used the cucumber just as if it were crackers....yum! Today seems easier than yesterday was. I also went to my pcp today and I completed all required pre-op testing except for the ultrasound. Soonest appt is the end of the month but at least I will end Sept knowing everything is done and just waiting to be submitted for authorization.

I've been fighting with my weight probably since I was 8 years old. Probably since my ballet instructor told me I better watch what I was eating at age 7 or they wouldn't let me move onto point. I solved that problem by quiting ballet the next year. I progressively got heavier and I remember in 8th grade I weighed 175 and was going to a nutritionist. I think of that number now with envy of my 14 year old self. In high school I maintained at between 200-214. I was active on the track team, tennis team, had plenty of friends. Wouldn't call myself popular but definitely not unpopular. Long story short I didn't let the fact that I was overweight stop me from doing the things I wanted to do. I liked that about me and I embraced my body. I think that would have been the end of my story had I been able to maintain what I weighed then, even if it was well above the approprate weight standard for my height. Needless to say I couldn't maintain it and progressively gained. In that time frame I got married and had a baby. And when I hit the scales at 322 I realized that I needed to do something drastically different in my life or I would die and miss parts of my daughter's life I didn't have to. So this past January I went to the free session and learned about my options. Unfortunately the surgeon didn't show up but it was enough to make me think this is something I want to do. After learning that my insurance didn't cover the procedure I figured that this was not going to happen for me. The hospital offered to try to get me qualified for a reduced cost plan which I then waited months to even fill out. I found out in June that I would qualify and that I would get help with some of the costs of the procedure. Even though I will still be paying something out of pocket, it wasn't so much I didn't think this was possible for me. Since starting the program in Mid July I've lost just about 20 lbs. I still have my good days and my bad days but the important thing is, I've started. And I am learning how to eat better everyday. My surgery is scheduled for November 27th and it will be one more tool in my aresenal.

So today was a very productive day for me.... Did all blood work, Had pre-op check up and all is good... PAID IN FULL (out of pocket, no insurance in covers this procedure in Canada unfortunately).....so now there's no turning back cause the money is non-refundable. 2 weeks off from work, check..... I also went to Walmart, did some shopping, thanks to you wonderful people on this site, I think I am going to be well prepared lol.... Got my heating pad, my soft plush...and supportive sitting up pillow, have no idea what they are called...loose clothing for the day of (hoping this will be the last plus size clothes I will ever purchase again), pain meds, gas meds... and over the wknd, will be going to Costco to stock up on shakes, broth and Greek yogurt. So grateful for your tips....I'm hoping all goes smooth sailing. So now, just waiting for the 28th.....I am nervous as heck, but excited as well..... BUT MAJOR THANKS TO YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE ON THIS SITE...WITHOUT YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, I THINK I WOULD HAVE CHICKENED OUT AGAIN LIKE 2YRS AGO....I HAVE THE SUPPORT OF 1 INDIVIDUAL IN MY FAM, THE REST ALL HAVE NEG. THOUGHTS WHEN I FIRST MENTIONED IT, SO THIS TIME AROUND DID NOT EVEN BOTHER TELLING THEM.....SO MY FULL SUPPORT SYSTEM HAVE BEEN YOU GUYS........SO GRATEFUL FOR THIS SITE AND ALL OF YOU!!!