Leaderboard

Greetings to all you out there, Michele here, and I guess I wanted to share some of my personal journey with you all. My heart is somewhat heavy but I am finding joy and excitement in this process just the same. I have been praying for change, feels like all of my life, but I think I really got clear last year on the change I wanted to see. I was in a relationship with a man who was kind, gentle, quiet, and much older than me. We got along O.K. but I knew in my heart we where not the best for each other. Quite a few things was wrong in our relationship, but one of the main issues was we saw life quite differently. He cares very little about his health, and that's all I care about, my health. Like I said before I prayed for change and it wasn't long before the Universe had the ball rolling, to make a long story short we broke up in December 2011. In my mind however, I thought we had a chance of reconciliation, not wanting to let go and Let God, I continued to hold on to that hope, and even after I had decied to go through with this life changing procedure, I still wanted to hold on to the old me and my old life and my old way of doing things. As of August 2012, he has officially started another relationship. At first I was very hurt, as turbulent as things where, he was still my best friend, and I had grown to be very dependent on his emotional support, but now is the time for me to move forward by myself. I realized it was all in Divine order. It was so fitting that he find someone new one month before my surgery, so we both can break this emotional tie we have to each other, especially me. The weight challenge has been mine, and I think relationship issues, in some form or fashion have played a role in this struggle. I really don't like being by myself, and it took me a while to figure out the difference in being by myself, and being alone *vs* being lonely. The Universe is now giving me what I want, a change in my life for the better, a fresh start at a healthy lifestyle and an active life. All old must be removed for the new to enter. I wish him only the best, I am forever grateful for the time (6 years) we had together. I send all the Love, Peace and Blessings to him and his new Love, and I am so grateful for the new Love that I am moving forward with ....Me.

You can find my complete blog HERE. As I have written, I identified myself as an overweight guy who didn’t do much of anything. I went to work, I came home, and I was not social. I can’t identify myself in that way anymore because I’m more active and trying to be social. However, I am a baby when it comes to interacting with people. My weight used to hide me and give me an excuse to not have to deal with people. As another strategy to break out of my shell, I signed up with Meetup groups in the area. Several are for photography and a general social Meetup. My wife and I made reservations to go and see a play and have dinner with about 20 other people from Meetup. That should be interesting. I’m actually quite terrified of how to act and what to say. Thankfully, my wife is going to be there with me and she doesn’t have these hang-ups. I can lean on her quite a bit. For quite some time I’ve longed to have a group of guy friends. I watch movies like “The Hangover” or “Bachelor Party” and wish I had male friends that I can do things with like go to Vegas. I’d love to have a small but intimate group of guy friends to hang out, drink beer, eat chili dogs and cheese fries (burp!) and talk about whatever is on my mind. We could go out to see movies that my wife doesn’t want to see, play a little poker, car shows, chili cook-offs, fishing, paintball, you get the idea. All of those things guys like to do; I want to be able to do. I was telling this to my therapist who suggested I look on MeetUp. I found many groups for women but none for guys to just hang out and be guys. So, I created a group for guys. Because of my self-esteem issues I have very low expectations for the group. I didn’t think anyone would actually join the group but I figured it wouldn’t hurt to try. I thought, “Oh well, I’ll create it and we’ll see what happens.” I paid for a group for 90 days because I figured that once this flopped, I wouldn’t be out a whole lot of money. Well, what happened is that I got 90 guys who signed up in just a few days. YIKES! So I guess this group might last a little longer than just three months. When I created my “low expectation” group, I also created a happy hour. I picked a date and time I was available but I figured that since nobody would sign up that it would be a moot point. Monday night it not idea for a happy hour but since nobody was going to show up, it was not that big of a deal. Within a couple of days, I had 15 men sign up for the happy hour. HOE. LEE. ****. I didn’t know I was filling such a void. Well crap, I guess that means I actually have to go and figure out where to have this thing. I really was expecting that no one would sign up for the Meetup, and no one would show up for the Happy Hour. These are the kinds of things that the old me, the 330 pound me, would have thought: “I’m not worth it, so therefore no one is going to sign up.” However, this is the kind of thing I need to change my attitude about. I AM worth it. I AM interesting. People SHOULD like me, and if they don’t I’ll just beat the living crap out of them until they change their mind. Sorry, I got carried away! Now, the Happy Hour is stressing me out because my wife is not going to be there. It’s going to be a bunch of guys I don’t know. It is all on me to make it a success. I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what to talk about. So we’ll have to see what happens. Anyway, that’s all the news that’s fit to print for today.

Friday I had one of the most stressful days in a long time and a mini melt down. I had a lot of loose ends to tie up at work and it just seemed like every time I got one thing handled another thing popped up. I thought there was no way I was going to be able to take a week off from work without the world ending. But a good work friend talked me off the ledge and told me it would be fine. I made a list of things to do and instructions to leave, the last of which I plan on implementing in the morning. Payroll is due tomorrow I have a lot of it done but I will be going in tomorrow morning to complete the last of it. I plan on being out of the office no later than 0900. We will see if that happens. I managed to stick to my diet all weekend to a T! I even had only fish or chicken. I was in Dallas where Taco Bueno is, my favorite place, I nearly had myself talked into having a bean burrito but I stuck to my guns and had a shake!! I am officially down 16 lbs for surgery. And if that isn't enough of the dietician then I don't know what else to tell her. I can honestly say I have done everything I can possibly do to make sure my liver is tiny for surgery tomorrow. So if he opens me up and its huge I don't know what else I could have done. No regrets. Zero. So tomorrow is the big day... I don't have a lot to say, because I am really kinda nervous and I am really kinda worried I wont finish everything at work. And I'll be late and then I will miss surgery. LOL. No, can't happen. I will be there on time and have the surgery and wake up with the lap band and start my new journey. I have followed the yellow brick road, survived the wicked witch and her flying monkey's (taco bueno), and have finally reached OZ. I am ready to see the man behind the curtain! Wish me luck, Until tomorrow, Amanda

All of my life I have been bigger. With that said, I didn't really care becasue I was always in shape and very active. I played tennis is high school and swam every day. I would hike when I was able and I could slam the crap out of a racquetball ball. Then BAM!!!! That all changed 18 years ago. I was 20 years old, in college, and having the time of my life when my disc decided it didn't like the home it had and that it wanted to go explore the rest of my back. The first two years after this happened, I was still able to do some activities, but I had to be mindful of my back. Then, over time, it got worse and I did less and less until I could no longer fathom the idea of doing any activity. Truth is, when you deal with chronic pain on a daily basis, you get tired of it and you want to do anything you can to get it to stop. My anything was doing nothing. Now, after my surgery I have been doing more than I have in years. I walk almost daily or do some other type of cardio. And even though I'm still in horrible pain, I figure it's worth it to be healthy. I am only 5 months out and I have lost over 100lbs from my highest weight and around 75 from my surgery day. Now, you can't lose that much weight that fast with out some repercussions. And trust me, I have some. If you have read my blog for awhile, you know that I have already commented about my boobs. For those of you who don't know, my boobs are the things I miss the most. Every time I look in the mirror when I'm naked, I sing, "Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow? Can you throw them over your shoulder like a Continental soldier? Do your boobs hang low?" They seem to hang a little lower every day. I'm starting to think they are depressed. Maybe I should give them some antidepressants to perk them back up....do you think that would work? I wish!!! I had just learned to accept my boobs then out of nowhere I noticed something today that totally caught me off guard. I have wings!!! You know the extra skin under your arm that just hangs there and flops back and forth. I thought I was doing well with not getting any of that. I have made sure that I have worked my arms (with my shake weight, and while walking) but apparently that hasn't been enough. I am 38 years old and I have the back, boobs and arms of an 80 year old. Then, to make it just a little worse, I can start to see the extra skin on my tummy. My oh my, I'm just going to be skinny...yes, the pun was intended. But seriously people....it sucks. We work so hard following the program, doing what we need to do, and fighting daily urges to not eat certain things and to keep active and yet some of us will still have these issues. I guess I'll have to accept my new wings like I accepted my boobs. I can't do anything about it right now. The good thing is that now I won't have to pay those high prices for airfare. I can just hold out my arms on a windy day and "Fly like and eagle". Now, if only I can find something useful for my droopy boobs to do....that's going to take some thought.

Hey guys. I have two weeks off from work and am going stir crazy*lol*. I wish that I went back today instead of the 24th*ok that was a drama queen moment*. I can't believe how well I am feelig. Yesterday I surprised my mom and went to see her and we had a great visit. I have a appt to see my surgeon next Monday, so that means one more week on the liquid diet which I am sick of already. I am not hungry nor do I have a appetite I just don't want anymore liquids and jello*poking out tongue* I am actually getting in all of my required protein and my liquids. I am just sick of it. So how are you guys doing?

IDK if it's fear or what, but my 'tude isn't where I'd like it to be right now. Part of it is this freak'n leak that I am dealing with. Then to come here and read someone's post that hasn't even had surgery yet that says most ppl with leaks/complications have either caused them themselves or their dr's have or a botched surgery, I'm sorry, but it really pisses me off. And why? IDK this person. And I don't care to. Doesn't matter a hill of beans what she thinks nor says. So why's it incite something inside of me? Because I am scared. To the point I find myself crying the last few days on occassion. I rarely cry anymore. Well unless I talk of my family, then that's a whole other ball game (you'd have to know the players to understand the game! so's to speak... anywho, I digress, shocking huh?). I AM scared. What if I never heal? What if I have to have surgery AGAIN? What if this new job that I just got fires me for something minor/contrived if I take off time to deal with all of this? What if I did something wrong to have caused this? What if I put it off the fix for months, will I continue to be in pain so much that I could slap someone? (as was the case today, which worries me since I have a high pain tolerance according to my last two hospitalizations) What if what if what if.... AHHHH just hush. I need to center and just quiet it all. Sometimes, as hard as it is to "believe"..... **** JUST happens. It just DOES. In this highly litigous society, where everyone is a "celebrity" and "entitled" to voicing their opinion via statuses on fb/twitter/etc, I just get tired of the lack of common courtesy in the things ppl say or do, as well as the judgements that goes along with it. No one wishes to have that treatment, so why is it so quick to be dished out? Sometimes things JUST GO WRONG. Etiology undetermined, aka no identifiable root cause. I have spoken to enough dr's and other professionals regarding my health status to know this statement to be fact as it pertains to me. But I get tired of a large percentage of the world that speaks of what they don't know or ask questions that are rather crass in the manner in which they are worded (omg what did you do to cause this?) ......... really, I am struggling enough here. Perhaps MIA for a while is best. I hate that I'm being quite this emotional and even moreso admitting to it, but hell, I am a realist. So MIA? IDK if that's best for me. Hiding under a rock with all of this crappus floating around in my head... IDK. So ending point is.... if you read this, and if you care, please say some prayers for me. I hope God isn't disappointed in what I feel in my heart. I am honestly struggling right now. I've been fighting so much for so long, I'm just tired and... I am scared, I am frustrated, I am tired. It's a foolish waste of energy, but it is what it is. Rambling rita out.... xxx

Excellent article on Emotional hunger Vs. Physical hunger http://www.livestrong.com/article/14885-emotional-vs-physical-hunger/ Am I hungry? important questions to ask- http://amihungry.com/whatisamihungry.shtml Recognizing hunger signals - http://www.myfooddiary.com/resources/ask_the_expert/hunger_signals.asp Head Hunger- http://myfoodmaps.com/head-hunger/ 3 steps to take to become aware of head hunger http://www.livestrong.com/article/512246-how-to-tell-the-difference-between-real-hunger-emotional-hunger/?utm_source=popslideshow&utm_medium=a1 head hunger - http://www.palmyrasurgical.com/adjustable-gastric-band-guide/living-with-your-gastric-band/dealing-with-hunger-after-surgery

Here I go!! Finally getting to learn a few things. I started this process the end of May, going to my first informational meeting. After having a month delay in getting started doing anything (because of switching insurances) I am finally getting thru my pre op steps. Tonight I have my "First Step " class to go over more details and learn about all the particulars of surgery and life after. I read on this site every few days and get so much encouragement from everyone. I am only one step away from having my case sent off to insurance to get final approval. I have started to change my eating habits and excercise. I am sooooo ready to get moving! Yea!!! Lets go!

Ok, I was sleeved Wednesday June 20th. IF I could have found Marty and Doc on June the 21st, I would have figured out how to power the 1.21 jigawatts the flux capacitor needed and would have time traveled back 48 hours and RAN LIKE HELL (as much as a fat chick can) in my UGLY shoes AWAY from the hospital. As it was, I didn't find them and here I am................so very glad I couldn't. Back to Wednesday..... My surgery was scheduled for 12, so I was my usual self until the surgeon's office called saying I'd neglected to make my final payment arrangements........so we rushed out the door to pay the surgeon and on to the hospital. Hey, surgeons don't work for free. They got mouths to feed and I asked him to do this to me. I just forgot about final payments, that's all. It's all good. So, I get to the hospital, anticipating a 2 hour wait when I get the call from the OR nurse......as we are parking, saying they are ahead of schedule today and let's do this. I'm high on emotion.....I STRUT my 255 pound self into pre-op (dressed in jeans and leopard print top with marvelous brown/gold flip flops), complete with little twirlie at the end and say "I'm here, let's get this thing on!"........ 5 hours later....... I have a NEW, EXCITED, EXUBERANT nurse ( I am a RN 25 years in practice) in my face telling me I have to get up and walk - (and she's calling me dear and sweetie. Those who know me realize I am dear to only those who love me and I am never ever described as sweet). I'm trying to figure out where I am and this very excited, young, so-happy-to-be-here chickie won't get outta my face!!!! Then, the radiology transport person arrives telling me I've got to get up, into a wheelchair, go to radiology to have an contrast upper GI to be sure the sleeve isn't leaking. I finally figured out I was in a room.....a very small room with no sofa. I say "No" and youngster tells me "You HAVE to!!" I was saying no to this impossibly small room with no sofa.......not her fault......she couldn't read my drug deluded mind. So, Miss Energetic is in my face telling me to get up, the radiology transport looks confused and I say..........to Miss Thing......"You have got to STOP TALKING to me and get outta my way. HE'S here (indicating the hubby)" Once she got the point to shut up.........I was up.......in the chair.......to radiology.......swallowed 1 swallow of the contrast, got a good picture.........the ALL IS CLEAR.......and back to my room. The night shift nurse was awesome!! A grown up nurse. Thank GOD. I did get up.......all thru the night walking because this isn't my first rodeo. I've had a C-section and a total vaginal hysterectomy. The key to overcoming any surgery is walking.....soon and often. If you have to have pain medication to do it, fine ask for it and as soon as the pain is at a point you can stand and shuffle your feet.........get to shuffling........and shuffle I did - 4 times on night shift........humming to myself "every day I'm shufflin, shufflin" Later on in the shift, I asked if CUTIE PIE was back in the AM because I was requesting another nurse. The old wise one just chuckled and said......."I'd already figured that out and it is handled. You wont' have to work with her." I was so grateful!!!! So, the only other thing that stunk was.......I was unable to urinate post surgery. It happens sometimes. The body and mind wake up from the anesthesia and the bladder is still sleeping.......thankfully, I don't wet the bed in my sleep.......but this was to the extreme. So, my urethra became a 4 lane highway with all the frequent catheterizations to drain my sleepy, lazy bladder. Finally, about 48 hours post procedure, the bladder woke up and I got to come home!!!! What if my bladder had stayed on vacation? Well, the doctors's plan was I'd just learn to self-cath and head on home until it woke up. One doctor, a urologist friend of mine, laughingly said....."it's like putting a tampoon in, the first hole south of the pole." Well the last time I put a tampoon in, my guts had not just been re-configured!!!! I haven't had a hard time with nausea.....and I've figured out that painful, cramping twisting motion in my gut means I'm hungry and should eat. I've developed a love for chicken broth and apple sauce. I had yogurt this morning. I've also figured out, gotta eat very slow. 2 teaspoons, pain, means stop and come back in about 5 minutes. I'm mixing UnJury Protein in my Crystal Light to get the protein needs met and sipping, sipping......all the time. Today, 5 days out........I am happy I didn't go "Back In Time"......think I've spent enough time there as it is.