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Had my second post surgical appointment last Friday, down 20 pounds since surgery. I feel blessed that I have had ZERO complications. Dr. Kim's assistant said my risk of leaks or other complications was practically zero now, and that I was no longer a surgery patient, but was instead just a weight loss patient. I am very thankful to have been given this opportunity. I'm thankful for all the support I got from VST, as well as from my wife and family. I am looking forward to being a normal weight, for the first time in my life!

My hubs and I married 3 years ago Labor Day weekend, so even though our anniversary is Wed, we celebrated this weekend. Rather than going to Cheesecake Factory where we normally go (we got engaged there), we went to Moe's where I knew I could get something with my calorie range that I would like. Then we went into the mall where he got me 2 pairs of Danskos and then we went into a jewlry store where he bought me a new diamond. Totally awesome hubs!! Shoes and diamond a girls two favorite things- he said he was proud of me and he loved me so he wanted me to know it. On top of that I lost 3 lbs this weekend (upped my calories and that made it come off) tired the shock thing. Before heading out with the hubs I put on a fav pair of shorts- pulled them up, zipped them, button them and was like wait - these are hanging off me- I pulled at the bottom of the and they slipped right off. YEAH- I tossed them to the side. This morning I put on a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in 5 years and the fit perfect. Everyone at work has commented today on how good I look!! What a boost. Now at lunch, I heated up a Smart Ones Chicken and Peanut Sauce, I ate the chicken bites first and then started eating the other- well after a few bites I was like wow I just don't want any more. I tossed a 3rd of it. YEAHHHHH!! What a difference a few days can make in attitude. I am sure I will hit another low point, but boy do these high points feel awesome!

"Perhaps you and Larry will join us for the consumption of mass quantities this weekend... will we ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you..". Beldar Conehead It's nearly 7 months now since sleeving. I've lost over 100 pounds since embarking on this war on superfluous body composition. At first I mourned the loss of hours of mindless consumption. Nothing to do while watching TV but watch TV. No building the egos of the cooks in the family by gorging on mounds of their culinary belly-whompers. No more hazy stupor of gluttony's aftermath. But then the fruit of restraint began to manifest. Clothing became flattering. Energy arrived with a vengeance. Health developed rosy cheeks. My body seemed to be thanking my brain for stopping the tailspin that it was in. I began to look around, in restaurants and at home. My 10 bites were long over before the others were just getting started leaving me with nothing to do but watch. Knowing what I have demonstrated to myself, that a body just doesn't need that much food, I started to be revolted at the sight of mass consumption. And now, far from envying the volume vaulters, I struggle to not be disgusted. Some of these people are my loved ones who are having weight battles of their own. Perhaps I will reach a place of peace about the matter. As for now, I will just look away and in my mind find a happy place of little plates and tiny portions.

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.

I weighed this am and have lost 11lbs since 1 wk before surgery (2 weeks ago)! I'm thrilled. I can tell my pants are looser and upper abd less puffy! Yay for me!

So after not having great success with the numbers on the scale going down all weekend, I woke up this morning to discover I had lost 2 lbs!! Its better than Christmas morning...well almost anyways. Today I am 6 days out until surgery. I am getting more and more excited as the days go on. I go on Thursday for my pre-op appointment at the surgery and to do my final weigh in at the surgeon's office. So woo hoo. I will definitely be working out during lunch tomorrow. I have been craving pizza something terrible lately. I ate it a good bit before I started my diet but still having a hard time kicking that habit. Today at work we had a safety meeting during lunch and they ordered pizza. I have to admit that no one asked me if I wanted any, which they are famous for doing, but while they were eating their pizza and I was drinking my shake I felt left out. However afterwards when I realized I had kept my mouth to myself I was proud. I have to really get used to not eating all of the bad things when the whole group is eating bad. You can ask most people, I am really not a follower, but when it comes to food I am very much a follower, it is usually pretty easy to get me to fall off the good choice bandwagon. Attached is a picture of the pizza party and my shake there in the middle. Woo hoo me!! The hardest part right now is controlling my bite sizes. I am supposed to be taking a bite the size of the first joint on your pinkie finger and chewing excessively. Also I am not supposed to be drinking liquids while I eat. This is to keep from washing my food down my stomach quicker so I feel full longer. Whenever I go out to eat, I've never been the person who gets 100 refills of their drink. Usually I barely make it through one. But for some reason now that I am trying to monitor this its become extremely hard. Tomorrow at dinner, I am not even going to sit down with a drink. Maybe this will take away the temptation to drink. I've pretty much decided on only making healthy choices and not eating carbs, but its the little things I am worried about perfecting before surgery. Such as the small bite, excessive chewing, and no drinking while eating. What if I can't master these things? I think I mentioned the baby plates and kids silverware that I bought. I have been eating smaller portions but starting tomorrow I will bust out the plates and silverware. I have also attached a picture of the broiled tilapia and spinach I had tonight to show my portion sizes. This is the smallest plate I have besides the baby plates. This will force me to seriously monitor my portions and the silverware will make me take smaller bites. I know this is an ongoing process, just have to keep working on it until it becomes second nature, just like eating terrible food did in my "past" life. That and I know the first time (or probably second and third time too) that I have issues with how big of bite I took or washing my food down, I will really feel the effects and focus on following the rules. So to summarize, do not be a food follower, be a leader and make good food choices, continue working on fine tuning lap band eating habits until they are second nature, and do not give into temptation. I can do this, tomorrow is only 5 days until surgery!! Until tomorrow, Amanda

Well, I figured out how to post a new entry!!! I was going to give up, but gave it another try and found the button. Yippee. Yesterday, I found myself feeling guilty a bit because I am unable to lose the weight and keep it off, in my current state. I felt a bit sad that I have to have surgery, but I know it's the right thing. At the beginning of this round of 2 week liquid diets, I was so upset because I was not able to eat beforehand, and was broke, etc...and the roller coaster of emotions was rampant. Now, I am feeling much better, but I want to eat all the time...and right now, it's pizza--brought on by the left over I took out of the freezer to give to my boy-who had a hard day at school. I have also been wanting an egg McMuffin...and just saw the commercial...ugh...I am hungry, and now I'm really toeing the line. I have been scared about surgery, and have worked to settle my fears by reminding myself that my children have had innumerable surgeries, and I assured them they'd be ok...and they were. I trust the surgeons and staff with their lives, and of course, must trust them with my own life! I hear and see myself telling my son that he is ok, that he is not going to die...and somehow my own mind and heart hears it...like a mom taking care of me...me taking care of me!!! Imagine that! Anyway, my surgery is in 2 days!! 2 Days!!!! Can you believe that??!!! Finally!! I have been sad that I could not eat at the diner that my sister owned before she took off to wherever and never came back--it openned and I didn't get to go there. I also want to eat at the sub place that has the best chicken parm hoagies ever!...and at the Subway--love the tomato sauce...and at Friendly's...and at Rodano's in Wilkes-barre--best spaghetti and meatballs. I realize though, that I made a choice to move forward with this surgery and to once and for all get a grip on permanent change in my life...and that others on here have said that they can eat what they want, but not as much, about a half a cup, eventually...I think I can live with that. I also want to go to the movies one last time and get some pretzel nuggets with spicy cheese, and some popcorn...and to go to the drive-ins for hot dogs and fries!!! Ugh. Since having some money to spend, and starting my 2 weeks, I did, indeed, have some of these foods so that I could ease my mind and be more prepared for the procedure...and success, but I still want more of it! I am never satisfied...only pacified at this point. Recognizing those two facts helps me to see that what I am doing...eating that pack of pretzels, and then wishing for and wanting another--though I can't fit more in my stomach...is not good...I need help...and that's what I have elected to get. I know that if I was to not get the surgery, I would be very upset. I have weighed things carefully, and thought about what would happen, how I would feel if I did not go through with the procedure--which I already have a taste of from when I was denied by the insurance, and from when I had to drop out twice before because my son got sick again. I have so much peace about the sleeve that anything else is chaos. I have a real chance before me for real, permanent change, and I can hardly wait. At the same time I am worried about problems during the sedation...such as that I might have a cardiac arrest or something and have to be shocked back....which happened to my brother, but supposedly for a different reason. (I don't get to see my family, nor hear from them very much, because I was an orphan...and we children were separated early on--a truly great tragedy and lifetime of suffering--which also has had a hand in food addiction and food abuse by me...among other things). But, then I remember that my twins were born very early, and very sick, and have had many surgeries and are ok...and that I have exercised and prepared for this, doing my breathing exercises, seeing an allergist and getting my asthma meds changed--so that the year long cough could go away. I am prepared, and my prayers have been answered! I prayed for years for an answer, and this is it.....maybe now, God will reverse the food issues that were caused by the evil in my father's heart. Maybe now...physically, the pathways will be changed....combined with my own efforts, and several years of trauma counseling that helped me deal with all the other crap. It's time for a body change! I can't wait to put my smaller clothes on. I have bags and tubs of smaller clothing, as well as an industrial rack to hold current and not-so-long-ago clothing. There is a pink chiffon and silver sequen skirt that I cannot wait to donn and go to the market--or anywhere for that matter!! Jeans?!! Oh yeah!...looking forward to it, and to being comfortable in my own skin and clothes. Can't wait to put on some hot little classy number and some high heels (which I will promptly remove) and strut around in front of the ex when I drop the children for a visit...he'll be eating his words...loser. I am improving my health for me, and have been divorced for over 7 years...but still...there is sweetness in even the slightest victory, and I'm going to enjoy that one! haha. My girl and I will be wearing close to the same size when I get this weight off, and I can wear my Army class A's..and my cammos again! That would be very cool...and is something I have wanted to do for years...since I was pregnant with the twins 14 years ago. It will be nice when I can see the bones in my feet and my ankles and legs are not swollen anymore, and when I can roll over in bed without a ton of aches and pains...and when I can increase my 1 mile walks to 2 or 3 miles at once...instead of doing 2-3 1 mile walks per day. There are just so many benefits! Ooo...and I can get out my multitude of swim suits and try them on...and go find a new one that makes me look smashing!...that is a cool word..."smashing!" Positively smashing! I would love to do the P90X program, too...not the jumping, but the rest of it...and to find my fitness like I had, and better, in the Army. I'm going to look for an ab workout to help me look not pregnant. No matter what size I am, people always ask me that. I'm used to it, and just say no, I'm not pregnant, just fat." Then they look at me, all shocked...and embarrassed and say either "Oh!" or run out of the store with their tails between their legs. I'll say to them, "That's ok, I get that all the time, but I did lose XX lbs. over the last 6 months." ...Doesn't matter, they are put in their place for asking such a personal question, in the first place. I don't really care about that much, though...I don't...I just want to feel good about my body, that I am caring for it as God intended, that I am working to live well for as long as I can for my family...however small it is with just the twins and me...for our futures, for my grandchildren...so they can say that I truly am and was a great and strong person, no matter what came my way...and have some more proof to go with it! Can't beat that!

So I've been in training for the Graffiti Run (it's a super fun 5K) and it is going so GREAT!!! I never realized how much I could truely accomplish when I really put my mind to it. If anyone else is thinking about trying a 5K I found an app called couch-to-5K. IT WORKS!!!! I've gotten my miles down to 15 minutes a piece which for me is out of this world mind blowing!!!! I find myself just relieving so much stress now on the track and the fact that I actually have the energy to do it now amazes me everyday!!!!

I am not sure where the phrase was coined but "living large" no longer has negative connotations for me! I used to hear that and think instantly of my size. Now it is about how I want to live my life. Only 3 weeks post op and I already am feeling like a new person. I feel much more confident in myself and am already feeling revitalized and a renewed outlook on the future. I have found myself wandering the clothing aisles at stores and not dreading looking at size 22 but venturing down a few sizes thinking that will be me soon!!!! I had heard the "BMI" term used over the years and never gave it much thought before this surgery. Now, I am excited by that #. I have had two visits with the surgeon post-op so far and the # has dropped from 50.5 to 45.5 already! If I can make that significant of a difference in it in just weeks, imagine months from now!!! I have found strength to not long for my (former) favorite foods, even when they smell and look so good within my reach. It is actually quite empowering to have that will power now. I am not saying I will never mess up, but that "flub" doesn't have to define me and doesn't mean I am completely off the wagon. It just means I need to make better choices for my next meal. Heck, people that are healthy and thin overeat or indulge from time to time. It's all about moderation and being accountable to myself. I know I can do this. Admittedly, the first couple days I had a few "feel sorry for myself" moments but I got myself into this and I need to get myself out! My goals are not to look like Cindy Crawford or Kim Kardashian. My goals are what will make me feel good, not worrying about going to events where there may be a turnstyle, not having to retake photos all the time because I don't like how I look in them, getting off BP meds, hopefully ridding myself of sleep apnea and then all the little things - enjoying going clothes shopping in the misses (not women's) dept, not tiring as easily, crossing my legs (cannot wait for that, even if it isn't good for your circulation), and my goal for next summer - going to the amusement park I have avoided for years!!!! No time for pity parties ~ time to start LIVING LARGE!!!

So as of yesterday I am officially in training for my first 5K run. I am super excited and nervous at the same time. I really needed something to get me jump started. My energy hasn't been where I wanted it or needed it to be since surgery. So my friend invited me to run in the Graffiti Run with her. This is a super fun run/walk. It's a no pressure run that isn't about winning but more about celebrating the fact that you can actually finish the 5K. So yesterday I started my first day of training and was pretty pleasantly surprised that I did my first 2 miles in 20 minutes. Now I know to most runners that's nothing but for me someone who has never been a runner it was super huge. A 5K is actually a little over 3 miles so I have my work cut out for me. I am very excited about continuing my training and seeing how fast I can get my 5K time down to. I have til December so wish me luck guys!!!