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I just got through my first workout with my trainer. All I have to say is that this entry will be short due to the pure exhaustion every muscle in my body feels. Just a few thoughts: I have been stuck in a terrible stall for the last 1.5 weeks. Maybe this will bring me out. I realized I can't drink during workouts or I will throw up on the yoga mat lol. Must make sure to take my gummy bear vitamins and drink more water. That last one is pretty much engraved into every WLS patient's forehead, but I experienced terrible orthostatic hypotension (standing too fast and becoming dizzy). My trainer will have to peel me from a puke soaked yoga mat otherwise. I hope this works.

As always, I have made my neighbors wonder how I ever got out of the mental institute. At least this time, I didn't flash some poor, unexpecting man my boobs...though he really did seem to enjoy that. No, today I did that thing that we all do sometimes when we are working out. I forgot I was in public. Not only was I in public, it was 7am and there were TONS of people out walking (their dogs or themselves). Before I went on my 2mile walk (yes, two miles...thank you...thank you...thank you...you can hold your applause now LOL) I decided to add some old CDs that I had found to my phone so that I would have something different to listen to as I walked. Great idea right? This would help motivate me, get me moving a little faster, and help keep me walking more than I have been. Well, that's all true. EXCEPT one thing....I forgot how much I enjoyed some of these tunes. So, not only was I singing along as I walked (I tried to stop when I saw someone coming), I was also doing that upper body dance thing with my arms....you know the one right? It's when you start moving your arms and bobbing up and down?! But, that wasn't the worst part, the worst was when I decided to get my legs involved. Apparently, I didn't think putting one foot in front of the other was good enough. Nope, I thought it would be neat to do a little side step ever once and a while....as well as some some back and forth foot work. This wouldn't have been too bad except I got caught BIG time. Not just by the person in front in me walking their dog, but also by the man driving behind me. I have no idea how long either one was there. The BEST part of the whole thing was watching the man walking directly toward me get the look on his face as to say, "what is wrong with her" and ever so slowly cross the road for no other reason to get away from me. And yes, I made sure to say, "Hello" as I passed. I thought about stopping and petting the dog, but I didn't want to be sprayed with mace. LOL After being caught twice in a matter of seconds, I decided that I should stop my dancing and focus on walking. That was all well and good until "Brown Eyed Girl" came on. Something took over and I was unable to control myself. The words came pouring out of my mouth and my arms and shoulders started going. That is until I noticed an older woman walking her dog and another man attempting to control his dog. It was barking and attempting to break away in an attempt to get to me...and it didn't appear that he wanted to give me lovings. Apparently dogs are not very fond of my singing ability. Damn, and I was planing on auditioning for the Voice next year....LOL. Now that I am home, safe and sound. I have decided that going for my walk in the morning is not the best idea. I think I will leave the walking to the afternoon or evening when there are less people out there to scare. I mean come on, I've got to maintain some type of normalcy....or at least pretend to. Now excuse me as I go turn up Price and dance around the house like the Dancing Queen I (think) am.

My hubs and I married 3 years ago Labor Day weekend, so even though our anniversary is Wed, we celebrated this weekend. Rather than going to Cheesecake Factory where we normally go (we got engaged there), we went to Moe's where I knew I could get something with my calorie range that I would like. Then we went into the mall where he got me 2 pairs of Danskos and then we went into a jewlry store where he bought me a new diamond. Totally awesome hubs!! Shoes and diamond a girls two favorite things- he said he was proud of me and he loved me so he wanted me to know it. On top of that I lost 3 lbs this weekend (upped my calories and that made it come off) tired the shock thing. Before heading out with the hubs I put on a fav pair of shorts- pulled them up, zipped them, button them and was like wait - these are hanging off me- I pulled at the bottom of the and they slipped right off. YEAH- I tossed them to the side. This morning I put on a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in 5 years and the fit perfect. Everyone at work has commented today on how good I look!! What a boost. Now at lunch, I heated up a Smart Ones Chicken and Peanut Sauce, I ate the chicken bites first and then started eating the other- well after a few bites I was like wow I just don't want any more. I tossed a 3rd of it. YEAHHHHH!! What a difference a few days can make in attitude. I am sure I will hit another low point, but boy do these high points feel awesome!

"Perhaps you and Larry will join us for the consumption of mass quantities this weekend... will we ignite our new flame pit and char some mammal flesh for you..". Beldar Conehead It's nearly 7 months now since sleeving. I've lost over 100 pounds since embarking on this war on superfluous body composition. At first I mourned the loss of hours of mindless consumption. Nothing to do while watching TV but watch TV. No building the egos of the cooks in the family by gorging on mounds of their culinary belly-whompers. No more hazy stupor of gluttony's aftermath. But then the fruit of restraint began to manifest. Clothing became flattering. Energy arrived with a vengeance. Health developed rosy cheeks. My body seemed to be thanking my brain for stopping the tailspin that it was in. I began to look around, in restaurants and at home. My 10 bites were long over before the others were just getting started leaving me with nothing to do but watch. Knowing what I have demonstrated to myself, that a body just doesn't need that much food, I started to be revolted at the sight of mass consumption. And now, far from envying the volume vaulters, I struggle to not be disgusted. Some of these people are my loved ones who are having weight battles of their own. Perhaps I will reach a place of peace about the matter. As for now, I will just look away and in my mind find a happy place of little plates and tiny portions.

The golden rules of eating post op *30/30 don’t drink within 30 minutes of starting or ending a meal. *Protein first veggies and fruits second and carbs if there is room *Avoid “white” or simple carbs eat only complex carbs * Drink!!! At least 64 ounces, 2 standard quarts Each day caffeinated beverages don’t count replace 1:1 with water *Protein at least 60 grams per day-vital to maintain strength *Vitamins and supplements for the rest of your life (get blood test periodically to check) *Medical Follow-up keep in touch with your Doctor keep your weight off *Support groups promotes accountability and sense of community *CHEW CHEW CHEW!!!!!!!!!!

October 1st, 2012, that is the date. The date I will have VSG and start back towards being myself. In this picture I'm at 215#'s. I felt really good, and my daughter called me "freakishly thin". I hope is that this surgery not only helps me get back there-but to stay there (or a little thinner even would be nice!). Notice October 1st, 2009 I also embarked on what I thought was my LAST diet. Yeah, right. So, all the hoops have been jumped through, all the tests done, the date has been decided, and now I countdown..........

I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets. I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS! And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that?? So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this? Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite! So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting... Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life. I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!

I started walking again today. It's funny how taking only a month off can totally change your ability. I went from feeling like a marathon runner (without the running part) to feeling like child learning how to walk for the first time. Why is my heart beating so fast and why am I sweating enough to quench the thirst of a small 3rd world country? I don't remember it being this bad when I first started after my surgery. That could be becasue I knew I couldn't do much then and now I feel like I should be able to do more than I was doing when I stopped walking. One cool thing that I noticed was that my shorts didn't do the "lets hide in the crotch" thing they do when you're overweight and walking. You know what I mean. It's when the front of your shorts ride up and bunch up near your crotch. Then you try to pull them down with out looking too obvious but deep down you know everyone can see you doing it. Then you start to walk again and BAM there they are right back up to your crotch. Yeah, that thing....well, it happened a little but not enough for me to have to stop and pull them down. 100lbs ago I would have had to pull them down every few steps...hence the reason I never worked out in shorts until now. Needless to say, I got in 1.25 miles. Much less than I wanted but much more than my back was telling me I could do. My back is still bad, but I know if I keep it up my back will get used to it. It's just getting through what I call the "pain hump" That's the time during and after your workout (for about 2 weeks) where you feel like you're back is broken and you can't move an inch, let alone a mile. It's the time where mind over matter kicks in and sometimes matter wins. But, if you're lucky, you will fight through it and take charge. If you do, not only will you feel better physically, but also emotionally. This point was proven when I came home and started cleaning. I've been looking at the house for days thinking about how it needed to be cleaned but I always found something more important to do...like watch T.V. However, today I felt so good after my walk that I didn't want to just sit and do nothing....so, I cleaned. Now, not only do I feel good about myself, I feel good about my house too. LOL

The past month has been really bad for me. I've been in severe pain with my back and have not been able to walk or do any water workouts. Then, to make it even worse, I've been cheating. I have been eating candy...good, yummy, chocolatey candy. At first I blamed it on my period, but unless my PMS and period are a month long thing now, that can't be the reason. Then, I really started to think about why I would be eating so badly. Then it hit me. I eat out of boredom. To make it worse, I graze all day long and not on good things. I graze on chocolate and nuts. Now, prior to surgery I was not a huge chocolate fan. I could live with out it, even during those monthly visits that we woman get. I was always a straight candy type of girl. I liked the surgery sticky candy the best. Mary Janes, Laffy Taffy....that was my weakness. Not any more. Now I'm a chocolate girl. Even though it makes my acid reflux horrible, I have been on a huge chocolate kick and it finally stopped TODAY. I had to take a really good look at what was going on and why I was eating the way I was. After breaking it all down and analyzing the data, I can see that I eat or graze out of boredom. I also found that I am bored a lot. You have to understand, I am a worker. I love to work and I'm good at my chosen field. However, due to my back, I haven't been working for the past year and a half. The past month, my pain has been so bad that I can't even do things around my house. Because of that, I watch a lot of T.V. and pace a lot. Both are a set up for grazing. Now, becasue I can't fix my back, and I can't work, I have to figure out how not to allow boredom to take over and lead me to the kitchen. The first thing I figured out was that I have to use my Fitnesspal.com account. I have to write down everything I eat. If I don't, I underestimate what I've had. Seeing what I've eaten and having it right there is also a good way to keep me accountable. So, today, I started using my account again. And, so far, no grazing. Now, I know it's not going to be easy. I am going to have to be very aware of when and why I am eating. But, at least I haven't gained any weight and I figured it out before I returned completely back to my old ways. It's funny, I was doing so well and I am so happy with how I feel and look but for some reason I still find comfort in food even when I don't want to. Having the surgery was the easy part....maintaining and changing who we are and how we eat is the hard part. Lucky for me, I have all you here to keep me honest with myself. I think having this blog and having people read it who understand what I'm going through will help me make it through this hurdle and continue moving towards that 150lob goal I have. I am only 70lbs away....if I've lost 100 in five months, I can lose the rest as long as I keep myself honest and do what I know I have to. So, today is the day I continue on my journey. I have moved over the hurdle and I will continue to follow the plan. I won't allow food to overtake my life again. I was so unhappy before surgery, and I never want to feel like that again.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I've been very sad lately, thinking about the life I've wasted. My best friend is in a hospital right now literally watching her mother die. She would give anything for one more good day, and here I sit, wasting my life. Hiding myself because I'm too embarrassed of my appearance to embrace this life I've been blessed with. I remember on my 23rd birthday getting up and ready to go out to dinner with my parents. That day, I had no pants that I fit into. I had nothing to wear. I cried because I felt so hopelessly big. I couldn't even call someone to borrow something - no one I knew was as big as me. And here I am, about to turn 32, and feeling the exact same way. Except that I probably weigh 100lbs more than I did back then. I felt hopeless back then, and now I'd love to be 100lbs lighter. I wish I was that size again. I am already worried about how my mind is going to handle being self-confident again (although, I don't think I ever truly was self-confident). A lifetime of misery isn't something easy to overcome. I'm pretty sure I'll be one of those people who can't see themselves how they really are, because I'm only JUST NOW, at age 32, weighing over 400 lbs, beginning to realize how big I am. I'm "Oh, I hope I don't break that chair" fat. THIS IS NOT WHAT I EXPECTED MY LIFE TO BE.My parents gave me this card for my birthday, explaining how proud they are of me, how they are amazed by everything I've accomplished and how strong I am. And I'm reading it, thinking to myself "What have I done for you to be proud of?" I'm their only child, and i'm this single, hermit-like woman who hasn't accomplished much but graduating high school and being employed. I guess they can be proud that I don't ever ask them for money. I don't feel like I'm worthy of their pride. Is losing weight gonna help me love myself? Not completely, but I really hope it helps. I don't like being so harsh on myself. I just don't know how to shut the negative thoughts off sometimes. I'm just over it. I want to move on. I wish I could snap my fingers and have surgery tomorrow... but I'm just getting this train started. Who knows how long I have to wait... I'm getting anxious with the process, which is resulting in some depression on my end, and due to other factors in my life (like my friend's mother's illness, for example). Times like this make me feel especially lonely. On the bright side, I have the day off work tomorrow. And I go to my first NUT visit. I hope it's a good day. I usually have a good day on my birthday, let's hope this one is the same. And let me be a little selfish and wish that my best friend's mother doesn't die on my birthday... Sorry if this comes off as too depressing. I've just had a lot on my mind lately.