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As always, I have made my neighbors wonder how I ever got out of the mental institute. At least this time, I didn't flash some poor, unexpecting man my boobs...though he really did seem to enjoy that. No, today I did that thing that we all do sometimes when we are working out. I forgot I was in public. Not only was I in public, it was 7am and there were TONS of people out walking (their dogs or themselves). Before I went on my 2mile walk (yes, two miles...thank you...thank you...thank you...you can hold your applause now LOL) I decided to add some old CDs that I had found to my phone so that I would have something different to listen to as I walked. Great idea right? This would help motivate me, get me moving a little faster, and help keep me walking more than I have been. Well, that's all true. EXCEPT one thing....I forgot how much I enjoyed some of these tunes. So, not only was I singing along as I walked (I tried to stop when I saw someone coming), I was also doing that upper body dance thing with my arms....you know the one right? It's when you start moving your arms and bobbing up and down?! But, that wasn't the worst part, the worst was when I decided to get my legs involved. Apparently, I didn't think putting one foot in front of the other was good enough. Nope, I thought it would be neat to do a little side step ever once and a while....as well as some some back and forth foot work. This wouldn't have been too bad except I got caught BIG time. Not just by the person in front in me walking their dog, but also by the man driving behind me. I have no idea how long either one was there. The BEST part of the whole thing was watching the man walking directly toward me get the look on his face as to say, "what is wrong with her" and ever so slowly cross the road for no other reason to get away from me. And yes, I made sure to say, "Hello" as I passed. I thought about stopping and petting the dog, but I didn't want to be sprayed with mace. LOL After being caught twice in a matter of seconds, I decided that I should stop my dancing and focus on walking. That was all well and good until "Brown Eyed Girl" came on. Something took over and I was unable to control myself. The words came pouring out of my mouth and my arms and shoulders started going. That is until I noticed an older woman walking her dog and another man attempting to control his dog. It was barking and attempting to break away in an attempt to get to me...and it didn't appear that he wanted to give me lovings. Apparently dogs are not very fond of my singing ability. Damn, and I was planing on auditioning for the Voice next year....LOL. Now that I am home, safe and sound. I have decided that going for my walk in the morning is not the best idea. I think I will leave the walking to the afternoon or evening when there are less people out there to scare. I mean come on, I've got to maintain some type of normalcy....or at least pretend to. Now excuse me as I go turn up Price and dance around the house like the Dancing Queen I (think) am.

Well, I am home from the hospital, yay! (I got to leave day 2) The staff and hospital were really wonderful but like Dorothy said, "There's no place like home". I am so thankful for my family and friends being so supportive. It is so surreal now, if it wasn't for the pain I wouldn't be able to tell I had it done. I say that because I haven't had to eat anything, so I don't realize I am taking in less to eat. Towards the end of the liquid diet I was so sick of the same thing I would not eat because the thought made me depressed or nauseous. So I still am on the liquid diet and looking forward to getting off it. I abhor vomiting so I have been really cautious as far as my intake of 4oz per hour. As far as the pre-op liquid diet I did cave on day 10 and had 2oz of chicken and 6 chicken nuggets, I just couldn't take it anymore. I have no regrets because the chicken was fabulous but I did force myself to vomit some of it up because I was worried about the food being inside me so close to my surgery. I don't reccommend my behavior to any one but I wanted to be honest. I am experiencing some pain but nothing my pain meds don't take care of. What truly amazed me was right after surgery my high blood pressure was gone. I was convinenced that they were giving me iv meds for it but no they weren't. I have had high blood pressure since I was 19 or 20 years old and now it just up and left me. It's just miraculous. I think it is going to take some time to adjust to everything. I did lose 13 pounds from the liquid diet so that is a plus. The one fear that has its grip into me is that I won't lose the weight. What if I did all this and don't lose any weight? That thought alone just gives me the creeps! Well, good luck to all of you on your journey. God bless us all!

Yup! You heard right! Weight loss surgery. Gastric Bypass to be exact! Am I excited? More than ever. Am I ashamed? Not in the least. If there's anything you should know about me, you should know I can't keep a secret. I can't keep things to myself, especially exciting things. Everyone in my life knows not to tell me anything, because I always end up spilling the beans sooner or later. It always starts out this way. I'll tell one person one thing and then think to myself, well, I already told one person, so why not tell another? One person becomes two, two becomes three, and so on and so forth. This is how it happened over the weekend while traveling by bus to NYC for my first day of graduate classes with my long time classmates. These are girls I've been in the same intense undergrad program with for two years. We're also potential social workers, so they're used to hearing about life transitions and making big decisions, etc. so I kind of felt comfortable with them knowing my "secret". Plus, I figure they're going to be wondering why I'm absent from classes for a week, and wtf is going on with me when I start shedding the weight. So, I told them! I told them all! It kind of just slipped out. I finally got to the NYC campus for my first day of grad classes, and noticed the desks were unbearably tiny (despite paying $30k a year, guys) and decided why panic? This will all be over soon! I'm proud of my decision to get the surgery. I have nothing to hide. I *have* tried every diet, been successful, unsuccessful, gained, lost, gained, etc. I know myself well enough to know this is something I want and need. Plus, I think by telling people rather than keeping it a secret, it helps to reduce the stigma attached to weight loss surgery and being obese in general. Typical bullshit responses I've gotten so far: Oh, well, my father's friend's mother's aunt got the surgery, lost a TON of weight, but regained everything back after like...3 years! Oh, gastric bypass? So you'll never eat again and be on a strict diet for the rest of your life? Oh, I see. They do WHAT to your stomach?? I hear you're going to spend the rest of your life throwing up...you don't want that One of my co-workers gained all the weight back and more. She eats McDonalds every day on her lunch break...and gained all the weight back...you don't want that, do you? You'll never be able to eat pizza again and all that good stuff. Maybe you should try another diet? I hear the FDA is approving a new weight loss pill this fall! You know..maybe if you just try exercising you may be able to lose some of the weight You're going to be needing iron infusions for the REST of your life So I have a few answers for this people... I'm NOT your father's friend's mother's aunt's sister's boyfriend's uncle...I'm ME Yes, I know what I'm doing No, you can't change my mind Yes, I've researched And YES, I'm ready to begin a new life!

Today I am doing much better. I am not sobbing. I was an emotional mess yesterday and crying. It was all fear related though. I wanted to isolate and be alone but that is the disease of food addiction so I reached out to friends and asked them to come visit me today. I use to attend Overeaters Annoymous, guess I never got the annoymous part. But it really taught me a lot like not to isolate. I guess that is what I want to pass along today is don't isolate yourselves. Isolating is selfish, I love being there for my friends and I will not rob them of being there for me, everybody wants to know they are needed and matter. So let your friends and family love you and don't put baby in the corner, because nobody puts baby in the corner! So this is day five and I am sick to death of the liquid diet so my never compliant self decided to have an egg. I made one jumbo scrambled egg with a pinch of cheese and I added ketchup on top when it was done cooking. It was so nice to have food. I am really worried about getting my protein in so that is why I made myself the egg. It went down okay, funny thing is I couldn't finish it all, which made me laugh. I used to clear my plate at ihop when I had an steak omelet and now I can't even finish one egg. Now I am fighting the urge to buy a scale. Day 5 what do I think I am gonna weigh! I want to be patient and kind to myself. The weight will come off even though I have fears it won't but fear = false expectations appearing real. This journey is going to require a lot of courage and willingness to change, thank God you can fake both of those things when you don't have them at the moment, they work on credit so borrow big. God Bless all of you and best of luck!

This is one of those rare posts where I pour my heart out and it was very difficult to write because it is very hard for me to face the truth about myself and my painful past. I apologize in advance for any rambling I might do. Body image has always been a sore topic with me. From the time I was born I always felt unattractive. No, not just unattractive – I felt like people thought I was repulsive. I believed I was so hideously ugly that people didn’t even want to look in my direction. I’ve honestly always felt like a cross between The Elephant Man and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. A lot of that has to do with the abuse that I incurred when I was growing up. In addition to the physical abuse, my parents constantly berated me as being worthless and told me I was never going to get a woman to marry me. My mother was constantly telling me I was fat, unattractive and ugly. She would say that I needed to lose weight and order me to go out to exercise. I hated to go out to do any kind of exercise because it just wasn’t fun and I wasn’t good at it. It would have been different if I had played sports, but we were poor and couldn’t afford the financial outlays that being on children’s sports teams required. So she would force me to “go jogging”, which I hated. She would peer out the window to make sure that I was exercising, so I would jog out of sight of her view and go sit on a log for 30 minutes and pretend to jog back. Imagine a seven year old (yes, you heard me right) being told all this and being sent out to jog by himself. The mental abuse started when I was even much younger, but my first memory of the “jogging” was when I was seven. My mother would tell me that they were saying all these things to “help me improve”, but I didn’t take those comments in the spirit in which they were intended, I took them to heart. After taking them to heart, I modeled my behaviors based on them. If I was repulsive, I tried to stay away from people, especially the opposite sex. I didn’t ask girls out on dates, I didn’t even go up to talk to people. I was too terrified and shy to walk up to someone, smile, and say “hello” regardless of their gender. When you are told something all of your life by people who love you, it is hard to not have it sink in. When I look back at pictures of myself as a young child, I realize that I was actually not fat, but I became fat as an adult because that’s how I saw myself. This played into my social interactions with women. If the most important woman in my life at the time (my mother) didn’t like me, then what hope did I have for the outside world? I used to feel very sleazy at just the idea of walking up to a woman and trying to talk to her. I felt like she would think, “Oh my God, here’s a disgusting, repulsive, ugly man who’s trying to get in my pants or ask me out on a date. He’s so ugly, disgusting, and repulsive that he makes my skin crawl and I just want to get away from him.” That’s why I never went up to anyone to try and talk to them. That’s why I kept to myself a lot. All throughout my life, I never got any type of positive reinforcement or positive examples of women liking me. No woman ever came up to me and started a conversation. The few people who I did ask out turned me down, which led me to stop asking anyone out on a date. All of those things solidified my opinions of myself and played into my self-image. This is the main reason there are no photos of me on the Interwebz. I’m still fairly socially awkward and not good in situations around people. Oh sure, you might think by reading my entries that I don’t seem that way, but in person I am very shy and suffer from low self-esteem. I still don’t go up to strangers and talk to them – even at parties when I’m introduced to people, I just listen to what they have to say and not say what’s on my mind. I’ve been thinking lately that when I weighed 325 pounds I probably did look hideous and ugly but at 240 pounds, maybe I don’t look all that repulsive. Now don’t get me wrong, I still don’t think I’m esthetically appealing. I still don’t think that there are too many women out there who would look at me and think I was good looking, or “Wow, I’d like to get to know him better”, but at least they wouldn’t say that I look dreadful. A woman isn’t going to avert her eyes when she looks in my direction. It bothers me that at some point in my life, before I lost this weight, I was 240 pounds and thought I was repulsive, disgusting, and ugly. As I said before, I made social choices based on that. The negative self-image is still there, but it’s not as strong. I’m not sure how my attitude will change if I lose more weight. I hope that it will get better, but I think some of that will also depend on the reaction I get from people around me. I’ll have to see if, with my newly lost weight, I’m treated any differently than I was in my teens and 20’s. I’ll have to see if people actually enjoy being around me – if women actually like talking to me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get to see if a woman would actually go out on a date with me considering that I’m married, but I’d like to at least find out what could’ve been possible, if that makes any kind of sense.

I've been trying to implement change in my life. It hasn't been easy. My sub-conscious isn't going down without a fight! It's been really hard to fight the urge for carbs, but I took a huge step today by eliminating most of them from my cabinets. I did some shopping over the weekend and again, it was really hard to fight the carb monster. Oh, my favorite macaroons are fresh out of the oven? NO! RESIST! Free sample of my favorite pizza? STOP!! GET AWAY FROM ME!! Toaster Strudel on sale!? YOU BASTIDS! And then it was like a light bulb went off (dimly, still working on it), and I realized that Toaster Strudel is probably a great representation of my overall diet choices. Easy, sweet, reminiscent of fruit (but not actual fruit) and comes with an icing packet so I can feel like I contributed to my meal prep. How terribly sad and ridiculous is it to live like that?? So, instead I've been implementing some changes. I've been trying out protein shakes as meal replacements, and so far it's going great. I've been enjoying Muscle Milk, vanilla creme and chocolate are all I've tried, and playing around with flavors. I have some sugar-free chai mix, some extracts and sugar-free syrups that have made it a little more fun. I've been using the ready-to-drink variety of muscle milk and am nervous about buying the big canister. Does it taste the same? Anyone know about this? Also, I've discovered Greek yogurt. Never used to be a yogurt fan, but never tried Greek yogurt since it became "the thing". "If I don't like the regular kind, why would I want the Greek kind?" I'd rationalize to myself like an idiot. It's amazing! I really like Fage the best, but have been settling for Oikos because it's been on sale for the last 2 weeks at my local store. Of all I tried, Fage peach is my hands down favorite. So I've been replacing a meal with yogurt. Well, not the WHOLE meal. I used to buy lunch at the cafeteria at my work, which is usually some double portion carb mess covered in gravy, or a super salty soup with pre-made caesar salad on the side and a big sugary lemonade. Now, I bring a yogurt, some cheese slices and have bottled water instead of the lemonade. I'll get a soup or fresh fruit from the caf if I'm hungry, but I'm usually not. All the extra protein is really making a difference in my appetite! So that brings us to the point in my day once I'm home. I live alone. I have no one to shame me or call me out for making bad choices. That's part of why I'm glad to purge my cabinets. I'll have to use all my willpower not to re-purchase those things, but not having them here is a huge step. When I'm home and ready for dinner, I have a Lean Cuisine. Not the best, but it's portion controlled and easy. Living alone=having all the chores and cooking and cleaning is not how I want to spend my time... half way through cooking the meal, my back will start to ache. Then by the time I'm done and have sat down, ate, food coma sets in, cleaning up is the last thing on my mind. I'm really hoping that losing some weight will give me energy back to DO CHORES. I feel like I'm so gung-ho about changing my diet, that part has been easy, actually, but I have no drive whatsoever to be physically active. I really want that to change. But it's such a short amount of time before my back aches or my feet ache or I'm sweating and feel disgusting... Can't want for all these changes to add up to a better life. I just re-read this and realized my goal for physical fitness is to be able to do chores! HAHHAHHAHA - not climb a mountain, run a 5k - but do some chores. I can't tell if that's very sad or very Marge Simpson of me. lol!!

So I haven't posted in a couple of days. Here is the summary of my wacky adventures this weekend: Thursday- went out with a couple of coworkers to steak night. I managed to get by without completely blowing the diet. Friday- came down with a sinus/ear infection and went to the clinic in Walgreens to get some antibiotics. Had to get that cleared up before surgery which at that time was 10 days out (feeling much better now). Also I was exhausted from the aforementioned steak night and also having to make a middle of the night run to the ship yard for work. So I was in bed relatively early. Small victory- I did manage to find these protein shakes that taste yummy called Pure Protein at the Vitamin Shoppe. I had wanted to try the other flavors before making a financial investment by ordering a case of them. By the way, the banana and vanilla rocks!! Oh and stay away from the cookies and cream, it should be called yuck in a can. Saturday- AKA Day 1 of Hell- Up until this point I had managed to stick to my diet and was holding steady at 10 lbs lost. The day started out crappy with a wake up call from my boss at 730 a.m. to which resulted in having to call several members of my crew, waking them up and finally another trip to the fleet and then the ship yard. Luckily I was home by 930 and back in bed for a nap. My day gets worse. I saunter across the street to see how all the out of town family guests are doing and what they are doing. Of course, being the good time having people they are, they were all drinking and eating really yummy things!! I was able to stave off temptation for a while. But eventually gave in and tried a cracker with jalapeno jelly on it which led to a couple of chips with salsa. At this point, I decided that I was going to go outside and swim 50 laps in the pool so at least if I was going to have a few things I would at least have worked out. I swam the 50 laps and also treaded water for 5 minutes straight. This afforded me (in my mind) a spoonful of Spanish rice with dinner. I stayed away from the alcohol though, the whole not shrinking my liver enough for surgery thing really worries me. If I make it all the way to the operating table and the surgeon opens me up but doesn't do surgery, I will be intolerable. Saturday night was our fantasy football draft and I have to say probably the most annoying thing ever. Everyone was drunk, except of course me and very obnoxious. I guess when you are on the outside looking in, it is not as fun. On the upside, my new found hobby of not drinking has revealed another talent, designated driver! Sunday (today) AKA Day 2 of Hell- I woke up and weighed, and thanks to some miracle I was still at the -10 lbs I had been at all weekend. Part of me was really excited that I hadn't gained any weight but I was also really sad that the scale hadn't moved down either. I decided that the little cheats I had given into the day before were really stupid and that I needed to pull it together, turn the cheek to temptation and be motivated to see the numbers on the scale drop. We all went to Galveston to enjoy the "beach." I can say that I stuck to my diet very strictly. No cheats. I had my shakes and even on the way back from the beach, stopped to pick up my 2nd shake at a gas station, I had to settle for Muscle Milk, which I am not normally a fan of, but it did the trick of tiding me over. I also swam some in the pool and treaded more water. At one point I did have a melt down and attacked Nick over sampling some of the cucumber I was very deliciously enjoying while reading a book (book = distraction from copious amounts of drinking). It just sent me over the edge, that I had my small bowl of cucumber and that he, who could eat anything he wanted was "stealing," my allotment of cucumber. In my head it was no different than me walking up to his plate and stealing his potatoes. It was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. I had been surrounded by temptation all weekend and was doing my best to ignore my growling stomach, the fun being had by all, and all of the bad food items around. It was like an alcoholic working in a bar or a crack head living at a crack house. I snapped and went off on Nick, telling him to pretty much F-off and go eat his own much more tasty food and to leave the starving girl's cucumbers alone. This resulted in me having to go home, have a melt down and refocus. I eventually rejoined the party, apologized to Nick and stuck it out on the diet. Tomorrow will put me exactly 7 days out from surgery. I am really really excited but nervous, the light is getting brighter at the end of the tunnel. I feel like I am carrying around a very fragile expensive vase that I am trying to transport across country ensuring that it arrives in 1 piece. I don't want anything crazy to happen before the surgery to make it not happen, I just want to make it across that finish line. I am resigned to sticking to the diet, working out more this week, being very strict with my portion sizes and hopefully watching the scale move downwards. My goals is to be a total of 17 lbs down by surgery. So we shall see if I end up at my goal. My advice to any of you going through a similar situation, when surrounded by temptation, no matter how bad you want to give in and have something bad just remember, you are doing this for a reason and that reason and it's direct result is greater than a momentary lapse in judgement. Also the guilt the next morning is not worth it. Keep your eye on the prize. Until tomorrow, Amanda

On my way to my 1 week follow up, even though my surgery was actually last Friday. I have to say that I've got some seriously LOW energy. Since I sit on my booty all day at work, I'm glad I took most of this week off. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but think I will work from home. I just don't think I've got enough energy to get moving. I'm still not sleeping well because, wouldn't you know it, my siatic (sp?) nerve is starting to bug me when I go to sleep. Great timing for it to act up, huh? It makes for a heckuva sleepless night. I also don't think, never mind, I know I'm not getting enough protein in me. I've been feeling sooo full although I'm barely eating. I think I must be drinking too quickly. Trying to watch myself today because I start on soft foods. So far today, I've had 4 oz of a protein drink, and 1 oz of vanilla greek yogurt (with a dash of cinncamon for flavor). I'm waiting aobut 45 minutes before drinking anything again, but this schedule is tough. I planning ahead and bringing some of my snacks/meals with my 1st nutrition class & follow up apt so I don't miss out on anything (1oz of egg beaters & 1 oz of refried beans & something to drink). I know I've been losing weight because I've checked the scale. However, I try to be realistic because anyone would lose weight following a liquid diet. I don't expect miracles, but am thankful that I'm going in the right direction I still need to learn what my body is saying in the way of hunger vs the full feeling. The last few days it's always felt "full" which is insane beacuse I'm not eating much of anything. Nonetheless, today's nutrition class should be informative, and I look forward to it. Gonna go have my crystal light now. I'm thirsty.

Hello! Well, I don't blog as much as I should or would like to. Life is just super busy and super wonderful! I am finally under 200 lbs (this morning the scale said 197!!!). I know this sounds like a lot to many, but I am thrilled. I haven't weighed under 200 for my entire adult life. Starting out at my heaviest at 270...it is a HUMONGOUS change! I really feel great. I have tons of energy. I used to say I wasn't a night person, but...I just might be now. Before VSG, I could go to bed at 8pm and wanted to. Nowadays, I look at the clock and can't believe it is already 11pm and I'm still up and going! I do try to get to bed by 11-11:30pm though. I do like my sleep and need it for health and to rest, due to the great workouts I've been doing. I work out 6-7 days a week. I do something different most every day. Here is a sample of what I have planned for this week's workouts: Monday (today): 1 hr Spinning class and 1 hr Yoga class, after spinning Tuesday: 1 hr Medicine Ball workout; 1 hr power walk Wednesday: 1 hr Outdoor Bootcamp Thursday: either 1 hr Spinning class or 1 hr Bootcamp indoor Friday: 1 hr Spinning class (early morning); 90 min Yoga (lunch) Saturday: Bicycle Ride - 25miles Sunday: Hiking - 8-10 miles I've been following a really healthy plant based diet, 90% of the time, along with doing some yummy green juicing. The other 10% of my diet has included some dairy (greek yogurt and some cheese) and some seafood and a bit of chicken (I just can't turn down a few bites of my husband's amazing jerk chicken). The weight is coming off, whoop whoop, but it has slowed. Now 8 months post-op, I definitely can eat more now than I have been post-op. So, I do have to watch most everything I put in my mouth. I just eat real healthy - no or very minimal processed food, dairy, animal products. In retrospect, it is amazing how much food I used to eat. More amazing is how little food I eat now, need to survive and to loose weight. I have a follow-up appt in September with my doc. At that point I will post before and after photos. Live is GOOD! One Love.