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Finally made it surgery set for August 23,2012. I seems like forever, and I never thought I would make it this far. I start my pre-op liquid diet on the 9th, pre-op doctors visit on the 17th. Wish me luck!!! I am so happy to start my new life journey.

I have completed 3 months of the 6 month supervised diet. I didnt do the best and managed to gain 15lbs but I have 3 months to lose the 15lbs and hopefully plus some. I checked in for my second doctors visit weight check and only have one more Doctor visit weight check which will be October 17th. I started the Medifast Diet to try and lose the 15lbs plus some. You eat 5 of their meals plus one lean (protein) and green (Veggies) meal. This is my second day and will jump on the scale next week. I chose this diet because they also have a bariatric diet plan for banded patients (Liquid Pre-Surgery diet and soft foods post surgery). I have attached my Pre-Surgery Pictures......No judgement...Right

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.

I have a few things to get off of my chest today not to mention the 150 lbs. that I need to lose. As I sit here at my window seat desk, I can see my reflection staring back at me. It disgusts me to see the rolls of fat as I sit crunched in this office chair. My uniform shirts seem to shrink even though I wash them in cold water and hang them to dry. I have my fan blowing on my face because it is hot, (105-108 heat index today) but I would rather put a jacket on to cover up the rolls of fat because I don't want anyone seeing them. Like people can't look at me with or without a jacket and tell that I am morbidly obese right? Anyway, I just want to sneeze, blink or click my heals together and the weight be gone. I failed to mention that another thing that I am constantly worrying about while I sit in my chair at work. There are offic chairs for normal size people and office chairs for fat people. So who wants to seriously go to the office supply purchasing agent and say "I need a fat persons chair"? Not me. One day while sitting here I heard a loud pop. I instantly jumped out of my chair and examined it. Everything looked fine so I gently sat my large ass on the edge of the chair unsure of what had just happened. Suddenly, a loud noise that sounded like a gun shot went off drawing everyones attention to me ( I sit in a cube with 7 other people and none of them are FAT! I jumped up out of the chair and the spring mechanism had broken, stripped, gave out or just decided that it couldn't take my fat ass anymore . Oh yeah, I forgot to add that this chair was only 9 months old. So, daily I hold my breath and hope that it doesn't happen again before I can get this weight off. I am sure that no one else has ever had anything like this happen to them, RIGHT? : )

I've been a bit obsessed with this site. I've read so many blogs and other posting....I've even started writing my own blog. I think I need to step back because no one can rush time. Time will come in its own time. I have a challenging job, got vacation coming and then same week I return, I have surgery. I just want to bypass it all and go to surgery. I say that but I know or at least believe, I'm waiting the surgery but I think of the pain some people have had after surgery. I've been reading too much, processing and not processing it all. Another part of me thinks what if it doesn't work. Yes, I've been super positive about this but all it takes is a seed of negative thinking and it can truly grow into more. I think I am going to have to take a few days away from this site just to get my bearing. This site is a good thing for me but I am a bit too focused on it. I need to do other stuff. Maybe a brief break. I get up getting on the site, check my email for responses....get home and I am here. I am way past my bed time and I am here. I've never utilized anything to this magnitude. It is good but too much too fast for me. I have to go to bed and I will be back........probably in the morning, lol.

So I am exactly 4 months out, I have lost 68 lbs since surgery, totaling a 133 lb loss since Jan 2011. I was 326 on 3/26/12 and I am now at 258lbs and loving it so far. Something that's been bugging me at the back of my mind though, is that SO many people ask me if I could of just done this myself. And I always say no I couldn't of. But as I really think about it, if there was a way to teach me the lifestyle and mindset changes that have occurred because of this surgery, then yes I could of done it without this surgery. Think about it fellow sleevers! Almost all of you know that this surgery is NOT a fix, it is a tool. It teaches us how to listen to our body for when we're truly hungry vs. thirsty or truly hungry vs. behavioral eating. But what if there was a way to take that piece and teach it to people so that they wouldn't need the surgery! I know that there are thousands of books and materials out there of people trying to do just that. But 9/10 the books are written by thin people but no big person wants to hear how hard being overweight is and how to lose weight from a thin person. And the Pre-op me had "listened" to the dronings of "know when you're full, know when you're hungry, know when you're thirsty". But what if there was a way or a program to actually teach people these things? I think it could "cure" obesity. But I've racked my brain over and over and even have tried to teach these things to my husband and mother but it doesn't click. Just like it didn't click with the Pre-op me. So I wonder and keep wondering these things and how I could make a difference in other people's lives. Anybody ever think about these same things?? On another note, previously I had entered a blog post on SF jello pudding mix and greek yogurt and I finally tried it! And it's good, it makes a consistency of like a cheesecake. I thought I'd make some for breakfast and boy was that a mistake. It was just too sweet for me in the morning. But I guess if you want a high protein snack in between meals and you want to cure a sweet tooth that is definitely the trick. I used a SF Vanilla pudding and my vanilla greek yogurt. It tasted so close to cheesecake that I bet if you bought the SF cheesecake pudding and mixed it with the GY, that you would get an actual cheesecake! There was a ricotta cheese recipe that I tried as well that I found on this website. It was good, but I made some changes to it to incorporate some vegetables. The recipe originally calls for a cup of ricotta mixed with egg and italian herbs. I did this, spread it on the dish. But instead of topping it with marinara and cheese, I made a Green Giant creamed spinach in the microwave, and poured it over the top of the ricotta and then topped with some cheese.. It tasted something like a vegetable white sauce lasagna. Just a little of this went a long way, I think there are still leftovers in my fridge! Well off for now! Talk soon!

Less than 12 hours until my surgery. Only a bit under nine and a half hours until I need to be at the medical center. I want to be super excited, but I find I am just EXHAUSTED from work and clear liquid diet (I can't seem to find much of anything with protein that is clear and liquid). I feel like I could sleep for days. Next time I talk to you guys, I will be sleeved! See you on the other side!