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Tomorrow, tomorrow, he'll sleeve me tomorrow.....it's only a day away!!! Yes, I love music.....and shoes. Funny how those 2 things seem to be the back drop of my life and memories. But for tomorrow, I am as ready as I'll be. My mother asked yesterday if I was afraid, if I was prepared. My answer was, " I don't have time to be afraid or prepare. Are you kidding me?" And that is so true. Between work (I really do love my job), my 4 kids, and 1 very pregnant daughter in law.....I am a busy girl. I laughingly told my mom "I'm really kinda looking forward to the 24-48 hours of peace and quiet!"......she just sighed. My sister calls today (she is the youngest). She is excited for me to have the WLS so she can see how much trouble it is. Honestly, why am I the guinea pig? I'm the oldest, that's why. She's obese too and knows something has gotta give.......she's just hoping that something won't be her knee! Weight, really is a ghost......haunts every aspect of your life. My kiddos are pretty pumped. The father's day card I gave their father depicted a man dressed in tails with a shapely woman in a red dress on his arm (wearing great, black, high high heels). They all laughed and said,"Dad, that'll be you and mom next year!' I laughed too cause I was thinking the same thing!! I don't have any wisdom, poignant thought at this point. I'm too busy day dreaming about really great heels.................

I told myself I was going to document from the start of my pre-op diet through my journey (I hate that word ... it sounds fruity, but it is what it is. Moving on!) however, I apparently am still a procrastinator. Whoops. Well one bad habit at a time I suppose. I'll tackle weight loss first and procrastination ... eventually! So, I'll spend a bit of time catching up. Now I am under no assumption that anyone is really going to read my ramblings, but I wanted to do this for me so I can look back in a year, roll my eyes at the kind of dork I am, and be happy about how far I've come. Pre-Op - the dreaded 14 day liquid diet (aka What do you mean I can't drink tequila, it's a liquid!!) Before I started my 14 day liquid diet, I had to wrap my brain around what craziness I was about to put my body through. Part of me was quite thrilled because it made deciding what to have for each meal very easy and it was very easy on dishes and the grocery budget. However, there was another part of me that was cussin like a sailor .... that was the part that didn't want to give up pizza, or pasta, or margaritas. So, I duct taped the mouth of the inner voice that wanted the junk food and tossed her in a closet .... I had me some work to do! My pre-op diet consisted of 2 daily Bariatric Advantage shakes, and I could also have SF pudding, broth, SF jello, SF popsicles, SF creamsicles, Gatorade, SF applesauce and light yogurt. Wow, my doctor just recommended me the diet of a 6 year old. So, in I went on day 1 and I have to admit it was not bad at all. The worst part about it so far had seemed just making sure I was prepared to take all my liquid goodies to work since I had to eat something every 2 hours, in addition to the 64 oz. of water I had to consume. Fortunately I found a little trick for myself on the water, in that the Gatorade bottles I had were also 64 oz, so once I had drained one of those, I kept filling up my daily water in one of the Gatorade bottles so I knew if I had my minimum in. It really helped me make sure I was getting my water in. I have to say, I did pretty darn good .... until about day 4 when I realized I wasn't have anything salty, and my body was starting to scream for it. I'd had broth, but it wasn't really cutting it at all. This is when I discovered the magic that is frozen green beans! My NUT had told me my snacks had to be no more than 100 calories per serving and these were 20 per serving, so score! I was able to add some greenies to my diet with a dash of sea salt and I got the salty taste from time to time that I was craving. Something that stood out to me during this phase was the sheer volume of food advertisements that were on TV -- and even weirder to me, I didn't want any of it. It surprised me that I actually had no cravings at all when I saw or smelled food. However, back to my original point - there is a ridiculous amount of advertising on TV not only for food, but for food that is utter crap. It's no wonder so many people are rockin weight problems - it's plastered all over the television! I can't say that I recall more than 1 or 2 for something healthy ... which is really scary. I finally came to the last day of my pre-op diet though - I had survived!! Day of Surgery - June 13th, 2012 My surgery was scheduled to begin at 7:30 am and I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 am. My procedure would be performed by Dr. Christopher Hart of Atlanta Bariatric and I would be in Emory Hospital, Johns Creek, GA. I wasn't one bit nervous that day because of the absolutely amazing job Dr. Hart and his staff did in preparing me for that day, as well as all the reading and research I had done on the VSG forums. I was ready !! I got my IV, said my bye's to my mom, and went down to the holding room where I met my OR nurses who were also fantastic. One of them had sleeve surgery a few years prior with Dr. Hart and had nothing but awesome things to say, which made me feel even better. I was surrounded by medical professionals who had nothing but the highest regard for the guy who was going to take out 70% of my tummy - totally ready for this!! I'm very fuzzy from the point they gave me the "i don't give a rats behind about anything drug" and wheeled me into the OR until some point I was waking up in my room. I vaguely remember going into the OR, seeing a nurse with cats on her scrubs, a few brief flashes in recovery, but that's about it. When I woke up, I thought I was going to be in pain ... but none. Cool !! I spent quite a few hours drifting off to little mini naps and every time I woke up, no pain, no nausea. They did get me up for my first walk after 4 hours of getting into my room and I was ready for a whole world of pain the second I got up. Nope, nothing. I swear, I actually checked to make sure I had the incisions because it did not feel like anything had been done - certainly, I had to have some pain, right? I had the incisions, but no pain and they assured me that they did in fact do the surgery and it was very successful. I wasn't up for eating much of anything that day, even though they brought me my trays of clear liquids. I did manage a popsicle, some broth and a bit of water but I was mostly sleepy. When I wasn't sleeping though, I was finding I wanted to get up and try walking. I was walking about every 2.5 - 3 hours and I was really surprised at how well I was doing. By morning, I was slowly consuming broth and jello and water. Holy crap, still no pain! I had been asking for my pain meds of course, but it was usually ever 4.5 hours or so, just to see if I would experience any. I had some minor discomfort, but nothing painful. Clearly, I had the best doctor ever!!! Fortunately I was cleared to go home after just an overnight stay - Dr. Hart was very pleased with my progress and I certainly was very pleased with how I was feeling. I was pretty tired and zapped of energy, but that was a pretty easy surgery all things considered. I have to give mini props to the hospital though as they have their own Bariatric wing where everything is designed with the bariatric patient in mind - even the beds were pretty comfortable as far as hospital beds go! The other thing I loved about them is that they have a second bed in the room (all rooms are private) for your guest if they want to stay overnight with you, which I think is pretty darn cool considering a lot of people come from out of town for this surgery, so that saves their care giver a night in a hotel room. In short, I cannot recommend this hospital or this surgeon more - everything was stellar!! As I was getting checked out, I asked the nurse when I should start taking my blood pressure meds again (assumed they had been giving them to me in hospital since all my vitals were always right on target and normal). I was a bit surprised to find out that they had been giving me nothing for my BP -- and my BP had been giving normal readings. Say what??! Post Op - I'm Home! I've done a lot of sleeping since I've been home since my energy has been pretty zapped the entire time, but it's been improving. One of my first calls was to my general MD to ask her about my BP medication. Even though the hospital said I could start taking it, I wanted to make sure because I was a bit scared of my BP dropping too low (think that's the first time I've ever had that thought in my life!) She of course asked me to come and I did and I about fell out of my chair when she told me that I could stop taking my 2 BP meds. Say what??!! I'm 2 days post op and I'm completely normal on my blood pressure?? Holy @#$(!!! She asked me to monitor my BP at home, journal it and come back to her in 2 weeks - if I saw my BP spike, I should only take 1/2 of 1 pill. Whoa. I'm pleased to report I'm now 6 days in and my BP is still normal. Wow, that was fast!!! Overall, I've been doing pretty well at home. I did set my alarm to make sure I was walking every 4 hours still and doing my breathing exercises to keep my lungs open. On day 3 I did get the dreaded gas in my shoulder but a few Gas X strips and my walking got that out of there by the next morning, thankfully!! I'd have to say day 3 was probably the worst, just because of the gas pain in my shoulder so every time I would do my deep breathing exercises, I was getting spikes of pain in my side and in my shoulder - not a fun day! I'm fortunate that my work allows me to work from home on my lap top so I started doing work on day 5. I found that I could sit in front of the computer, but not for long periods of time yet - I would get achy in the middle and tired, but I'm building up to it! All in all, I would do this again in a heart beat and recommend this surgery to anyone who asked. I feel it's very important to have good support around you, know exactly what you're getting yourself into, have a plan of how you're going to execute everything, and above all - find the best surgeon you can !!!!

OK, in February of 2011 I said I would get my ass back in gear. I had lost over 100 Pounds since getting my band and was doing great. Sadly I got comfortable. That means I learned things like: Sauces make things easier to eat Ice cream is easy to eat Alcohol is easy to drink Saving your fat guy clothes as you lose weight makes gaining weight back easier as you don't have to go outside naked So, after 18 months I bounced back up by about 30 pounds. Not horrific by my standards of weight loss but still pissed me off. I was still down net 70 but the direction had reversed. I had to do something. I schedule a check up and possible fill. I needed to do that. I had become too comfortable with my ability to cheat the tool. I need the restriction. I got a personal trainer and committed myself to it. I am now 6 weeks in. I have lost about 24 net pounds but need to track inches (stop it!) as I know that the workouts are changing my body more than the scale is reflecting. I am, for the first time in my life, planning my life around my workouts. I will drop a note when I have something really cool to report but for right now I am stoked about that exercise change. The diet side will lead to the weight loss most directly but the exercise will start to compound it. For those interested, I work out with a trainer on Monday and Wednesday for 1:15 minutes. We do a combination of cardio, weights and circuit training with a pretty significant focus on core. On Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I do his Bootcamp which is: Tuesday: Sparticus Circuit. 10 exercises. 45 sec to 1 min on then move. Three sets followed by an ad circuit. Thursday: Sand day. Conditioning, sprinting and footwork all in a sand pit. Wrap with abdominal circuit and arms (Push Ups and Dips) Saturday: Mixed bag. This day can be running, ladder drills, circuits. It really depends on the weather. All the exercises can be modified for different levels of ability. It has been truly amazing to start to MISS workouts and try and plan work and vacation around them. If you can contact someone locally and work out a plan to start you really should. It took about 3 weeks for me to convert over to wanting to do it instead of having to but now that I have, I don't really want to stop. Anyway, wanted to get back into the swing of writing. Hope you are all well.

The last time I posted I just had my psych visit. Well I've since received my date of July 10th for surgery, YAY, and have had my pre-op exam on June 19th. I am so excited and ready to get this journey on its way. I have my visit with the surgeon and the nut on June 26 and I have a lot of questions to ask, already written down. My surgery is approaching fast and although I say I'm prepared, I know that there are things that I still don't know an won't know until after surgery when I go through them. I am thankful for this sight because I have learned so much here and will continue to look here as I continue on my journey and maybe one day I will be of help to someone else just starting out. Thanks to all who have gone before me and who took the time to help me (us) out as we follow you through this journey.

So I only have five more days until my surgery if you don't count today or the day of surgery Yesterday I did all my pre-op testing at the hospital Lutheran Medical Center. I am sad to say the I have succumb to the "Last Meal Syndrome" I have gained 10lbs since my last MD visit 7 weeks ago. So instead of losing weight like every normal person does I have gained. (Story of my life). What is wrong with me? Why do I have this self sabotage mentality? My pre-op diet isn't even bad. Its not a liquid diet, just low fat and I still couldn't stick to it faithfully. Ugh, so disgusted with myself. I am going to start my own liquid diet tomorrow hoping to drop at least 5 lbs before surgery. Maybe instead of the Gastric Sleeve I should get a lobotomy because I think that may help more...lol... Please keep me in your prayers. Pray that I can keep my damn mouth shut for the next 5 days oh and that I don't die on the table.

Well I had my surgery in Jan 1999 and now it is June 2012. I lost 102 pounds at my max and I have had lots of issues I did regain as much as 30+ pounds so I have been working on losing that extra weight. A lil reflection if I had it to do over again I would do a few things differently 1) I would not have waited until I was 299.5 pounds to do the surgery 2) I would have had the sleeve as my Doc suggested but I like a challenge lol I am currently 234.4 pounds as of this mornings weigh in last summer I got down to 219. Life has just been busy and I have been eating. I had some fill issues so I am slowly building back up and my goal is to lose 40 pounds by the end of the year! I will check back!

Today is 3 days prior to surgery. I feel confident......and apprehensive. I'd be a fool to not be apprehensive. Seriously, I am venturing into uncharted waters. I am making a permanent change to my body. About time!!! Today is Father's Day, so I called my Dad. He's scared......and for good reason. This is an extreme measure. I am paying cash, out of pocket...no insurance coverage for me. Dad asks, "Isn't there any other way? How many ways have you tried?" My reply, " Dad, if there was another way, don't you think after 20 years I'd have done it? Seriously, I am paying over $10,000 out of my pocket to have someone cut my stomach out." If there had been another way, I'd have damn sure done it. And then, I'm scared. What if I do this and fail......oh dear God. That would be the ultimate failure. I mean really. To pay $$$$$$$ and still be fat. OMG!!! I think I am more apprehensive about failing post surgery than I am the misery and discomfort. I know the misery, discomfort and learning to be the new me will pass. But failure, that doesn't pass. That **** hangs around to haunt you.....and taunt you. I should know. I've been failing at weight management all of my life. But the question is, am I ready for this? And the answer is .......oh yeah!!! Probably the first time in my life I've actually been ready for the change......well, maybe not, but typically changes come to me whether I'm ready or not. I know this will be challenging. I won't say hard. I've been fat for 20 years. That was hard. And I wonder if I will ever understand why I stayed fat, even though it was hard. Maybe......maybe not. Does it matter? So, enough with the fear/apprehension/doubt. Let's talk about my vision for this. It is honestly like giving birth. You've got to prep, talk yourself up, or in the heat of it all, you just wimp out. I'm ready. There is a prize at the end of this road.......the prize will be me!!! A me who can shop in normal sizes, walk without exhaustion, do yoga and reach my toes, or not.....but my belly won't be in the way!!! My feet will get a break.......and hopefully give me a break so I can wear heels again. God I miss high heels. Not even the 6 inch things......just the 4 inch ones. I miss f#ck m# shoes. You know the ones that are good for about 20 feet of walking/strutting/dancing? Yeah, I miss those things. I'm so sick of fat chick shoes. So, am I having surgery so I can wear stripper heels?............maybe. No really, I am doing this cause I've spent the past 25 years raising 4 awesome kids and it is about time I make a HUGE change and concentrate on what I need. The kids are mostly grown, and doing their own thing. I've moved from manager to consultant in their lives........which is sooooo AWESOME. They are fantastic people and are excited for me to do this. They don't have a memory of me when I was normal sized. They are kinda excited to meet that me. I am too! Not to mention, the hubby of 27 years, is excited. He is such a wonderful guy. He has loved me, despite what size me was. Ain't that grand? The man loves me.......no matter the packaging. And he's excited.......and scared. But not afraid of failure, he just wants me to be ok. So do I........but a successful OK!!!! So, here we go.........I give birth to me June 20, 2012. Just had another thought. When a mother gives birth to an infant, we start with the birth weight and measure their health, in part, by watching their weight increase. So, when this mother gives birth to herself........we will measure my health by watching my weight decrease. I hope as they are rolling me down the hall to the surgery suite, I am singing "Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me....." or maybe Brahm's lullaby?

Today started out Oh Tuesdays Last night even after trying on jeans Bleck! I can’t even start a post! When I was in college in 2004, I took a creative writing class and the instructor would give us 10 minutes to close your eyes and type (for those who can do that, which is probably 80% of the population in this day and age) but she would tell you not to delete anything, just type. After the 10 minutes, go back and copy and paste the parts of whatever you just wrote into a story. I guess I never fell out of that habit, for I LOVE to write. I hope to have a few books published before I die. Last night, before I went to attempt jean shopping, I went to Lane Bryant to try on a swim suit that I ordered off line just to make sure that it was going to fit and actually make me look decent enough to wear it in public. I tried it on and fell in love with it and now I’m so excited to get it in the mail. I went home and told Ty that I was so happy, that I found a suit that looks good on me and that we would have so much fun in San Diego. I felt good about myself, which is something I haven’t felt in a while. Well, then it came to be bed time, I started a load of laundry because right now I only have 1 pair of jeans that I wear to work that fit me. I forgot to get up early and put them in the dryer with enough time for them to be dry for work…. Well now I don’t have any pants! So I tear apart my room looking for the only other pair that actually fit me and they have been eaten by a monster or something. Just my luck. I find a pair that I know are too small, but are the only ones that I’m going to be able to button. THEY ARE TIGHT. I have to use a hair tie to make an expansion so that I can make it through the day… I debate calling in, then I remember that I need to save leave to go to San Diego to visit Ty… I walk out of the bathroom and continue on with gathering my things for work, and Ty says, “See you found them!” I had to shut him down quickly and inform him that these jeans are too small. He asks for a hug and I tell him I don’t want to give him a hug because I feel terrible. So he hugs me and tells me that I look fine, and I had to tell him about the hair tie. THEN HE LAUGHED!! Boys are dumb. I almost burst into tears. I had to tell him it isn’t funny, and then the apologized, which I believe, but still. So now I’m at work… I started the morning off feeling sorry for myself. Then it was iPod time…Music is my everything. I grew up with music in my house all the time. After listening to a few songs, I was in a bit of a better mood and I realized I put myself in this mess; I’m on the right path to taking myself out. This is my time.