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I was in the process of writing this very depressing blog about my chronic back pain when I had to use the bathroom. I decided when I was done that I should weigh myself as I haven't done that in awhile. Now before I go on, you have to understand that the past month has been nothing but pain filled. My meds have not helped me and I have not been able to go for normal walks...who am I kidding, i haven't really walked at all. Walking from the bedroom to the living room can almost bring me to tears (and I don't cry from pain). Dealing with this pain can bring even the strongest person down. I know, I've been dealing with it for almost 18 years. Now, I don't tell you that to get your sympathy. I tell you to get you to understand that getting on the scale was the best thing I could have done for my emotional well being today. Today, the scale said 240.2. That is fifty nine pounds down in nine weeks. I had to take a second look. I remember getting on the scale nine months ago and seeing it up to 330 (my heaviest). Seeing that scale today, and the amount I have lost, is exactly what I needed to make me feel a little better. I am not saying that the numbers took away my pain. Trust me, it did not. But it did help with my mood. I walked out of the bathroom, sat back down at the computer with the heating pad on full blast for my back and erased my depression felt blog post about my pain and not being able to work out. I have since written this. A much more up beat blog post about losing the weight I have struggled with for years and years. It's funny how seeing a few pounds leave can be so inspirational. Now, I have no funny things to add. No real words of inspiration. To be honest, the pain is still making it difficult to sit here and type. What I will say is this. I am pretty sure my day will be much better now that I decided to get on the scale today (first time in over a week). I have no idea when I could have ever said those words and truly meant them. For years, the scale is what caused my days to be worse. Not anymore. Getting sleeved is the best decision I've ever made!

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.

Today is 3 days prior to surgery. I feel confident......and apprehensive. I'd be a fool to not be apprehensive. Seriously, I am venturing into uncharted waters. I am making a permanent change to my body. About time!!! Today is Father's Day, so I called my Dad. He's scared......and for good reason. This is an extreme measure. I am paying cash, out of pocket...no insurance coverage for me. Dad asks, "Isn't there any other way? How many ways have you tried?" My reply, " Dad, if there was another way, don't you think after 20 years I'd have done it? Seriously, I am paying over $10,000 out of my pocket to have someone cut my stomach out." If there had been another way, I'd have damn sure done it. And then, I'm scared. What if I do this and fail......oh dear God. That would be the ultimate failure. I mean really. To pay $$$$$$$ and still be fat. OMG!!! I think I am more apprehensive about failing post surgery than I am the misery and discomfort. I know the misery, discomfort and learning to be the new me will pass. But failure, that doesn't pass. That **** hangs around to haunt you.....and taunt you. I should know. I've been failing at weight management all of my life. But the question is, am I ready for this? And the answer is .......oh yeah!!! Probably the first time in my life I've actually been ready for the change......well, maybe not, but typically changes come to me whether I'm ready or not. I know this will be challenging. I won't say hard. I've been fat for 20 years. That was hard. And I wonder if I will ever understand why I stayed fat, even though it was hard. Maybe......maybe not. Does it matter? So, enough with the fear/apprehension/doubt. Let's talk about my vision for this. It is honestly like giving birth. You've got to prep, talk yourself up, or in the heat of it all, you just wimp out. I'm ready. There is a prize at the end of this road.......the prize will be me!!! A me who can shop in normal sizes, walk without exhaustion, do yoga and reach my toes, or not.....but my belly won't be in the way!!! My feet will get a break.......and hopefully give me a break so I can wear heels again. God I miss high heels. Not even the 6 inch things......just the 4 inch ones. I miss f#ck m# shoes. You know the ones that are good for about 20 feet of walking/strutting/dancing? Yeah, I miss those things. I'm so sick of fat chick shoes. So, am I having surgery so I can wear stripper heels?............maybe. No really, I am doing this cause I've spent the past 25 years raising 4 awesome kids and it is about time I make a HUGE change and concentrate on what I need. The kids are mostly grown, and doing their own thing. I've moved from manager to consultant in their lives........which is sooooo AWESOME. They are fantastic people and are excited for me to do this. They don't have a memory of me when I was normal sized. They are kinda excited to meet that me. I am too! Not to mention, the hubby of 27 years, is excited. He is such a wonderful guy. He has loved me, despite what size me was. Ain't that grand? The man loves me.......no matter the packaging. And he's excited.......and scared. But not afraid of failure, he just wants me to be ok. So do I........but a successful OK!!!! So, here we go.........I give birth to me June 20, 2012. Just had another thought. When a mother gives birth to an infant, we start with the birth weight and measure their health, in part, by watching their weight increase. So, when this mother gives birth to herself........we will measure my health by watching my weight decrease. I hope as they are rolling me down the hall to the surgery suite, I am singing "Happy birthday to me, Happy birthday to me....." or maybe Brahm's lullaby?

This is actually the first day that I've been aprehensive and scared about having the surgery. It's strange but there it is. I asked myself if I wanted to call it off. My answer to myself from my heart was that I won't live my life without. Honestly, I feel like all of this fat is burying me. I don't want to live my life in bed and that seems to be where I'm headed if I don't have the surgery. I know I'm going to have physical pain. I know that my emotions are probably going to see saw. I know that the alternative to the surgery is much worse than the pain. I expect the pain to be gone in a few weeks. I place myself in my Lord's hands; I know that the surgery is the right choice and it's just the prospect of pain that frightens me. I know that I'm not going to walk this path alone. I am thankful for God's grace. Robin a friend sent me this prayer. Saying it gives me such a sense of peace. I'd like to share it: Father, we come in the name of our Savior Jesus the Christ, first of all to thank you for this beautiful day that you have made that we will rejoice and be glad in. Thank you for being an all powerful, ever present, all knowing God who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we can think or ask. Thank you also for being a God who heals and delivers. Father we ask that right now you would touch my body with your healing hands and that your healing power would be at work before during and after my surgery. We ask that you would begin to prepare my body for the upcoming surgery even now. Father, we ask that you would give me your peace, your calm, your comfort, and your assurance. We ask that you would even now begin to regulate my bodily functions so that all will be well and in working order during the procedure. We ask that you begin to prepare the surgeons, nurses, anesthesiologists, and every medical professional who will contribute to her care on Monday. Give them clarity of thought. Please bring all of the necessary medical knowledge to their remembrance so that they will know exactly what to do during my procedure. Please let my recovery be a smooth and uncomplicated one. May I be back on myfeet in no time and be ready to continue taking on the world and honoring you with my life. God, we thank you that you are a faithful God who hears and answers prayers and we’re believing for all the best for Monday. We love you and we honor you. In Jesus’ name we pray and thank you. Amen.

Well today is bag packing and getting ready day. Tomorrow is the big day of my surgery!! I don't know what I feel...excitement and wonder I think. This is my first surgery EVER...so I really have no clue what to fear. I choose not to fear the unknown because in its own time, life always works out in the best way for me. I am ready to get this change underway. I am embracing this, and I am very thankful for this opportunity to unveil the "me" that has been hidden inside for years. Wish me luck and say a prayer for me...9am Central Time tomorrow ..My New Life Begins!!!!

I have always been very "normal" when it comes to going number 2. Ok, stop laughing. Yes, I am going to talk about bowel movements. I have always said I would be honest and open and this is something EVERYONE does. There is no need to be ashamed or shocked. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this, move on to another blog. I won't take it personal. Ok, now that I've told everyone what's coming down the pipe (pun intended) we should all be ready for an open and frank discussion about poop. It's something that everyone does and after surgery, I have found that I do it much less than before. I used to go once or even twice a day. There were times where after a good poop (you know the kind I am talking about....the ones where when you're done you feel like you've lost five to ten pounds) I would feel lighter and have a little more energy. Now, I barely go. Then, to top it off, it's never easy. I can't just get the feeling and go sit on the toilet for five or ten minutes. Nope, I get the feeling and end up spending a half an hour in there listening to "plop, plop,plop." It's never a nice S shape poop that you hear Dr. Oz always talk about. It's more like there is a very large rabbit in my colon. And, I have the poop to prove it. Well, I don't have it sitting next to me in a bowl or anything. That would just be gross. I just mean that when I do poop it comes out in small little nuggets. I have tried everything. I have added fiber to my drinks, taken stool softeners, and even laxatives. The only change is that the little things come out a little easier. Now, the reason I am writing about this is to see if anyone else is having this issue and if so how are you dealing with it. Also, is this normal and does it get better over time. I will be honest, I don't think I can live with a rabbit in my colon for the rest of my life....I don't care how thin I am. Wait, I take that back. I used to say I would do anything to be thin....I guess little nugget poop is my "anything".

So ok. I started having feet problems back in 2004. was working on concrete all day and figured I needed some sort of orthotic. my weight was around 400. over the course of the next year, started having chest pains which the Heart Doc said was caused by stress, weight steady climbing. in 2005 weight is almost 500 lbs, feet and knees killing me, drinking tons of energy drinks to make it thru the work day, seeing a podiatrist who says I have heels spurs and degenerative bone disease. makes me take LOA from work to wear special foot supports (boots) to try and ease the plantars fasciatis. off work for 1 month, weight stable around 500 at this time. september of 2005, the podiatrist again makes me take medical loa and am off my feet for next three months. weight starts climbing. can't sleep at night, chest hurts all the bloody time, usually because I am angry and blood pressure now a major issue. go in to visit with HR and they tell me that my only option is to report for work or be terminated. doctor says I can't work. lose my job, lose my benefits, watch my 401k get eaten alive, go into bankruptcy. I go in for a sleep study and find out I have sleep apnea, the sleep doctor tells me that I have apparently not gotten a good nights sleep in almost 25 years. cause for depression, suicidal thoughts, weight gain, I get put on a cpap. laying flat on my back now, can't move around, weight going up, chest hurts, legs hurt all the way into my hips. get a chest x ray and my heart is the size of a small football. no wonder it hurts...skip forward as all I am doing in 2006, 2007, 2008 is lying in bed dying. finally get aproved for medicare and go see a doctor. after a few visits, he suggest I see Doctor Lee Schmitt from alabama surgical weight loss center. I go to a seminar at St Vincents east in birmingham alabama and weigh myself. 590 lbs.gained almost 2oo lbs in 4 years. speak with Doctor Schmitt. he tells me to get my weight down below 500 lbs and he will do a gastric bypass. I start drinking protein shakes and eating salads. my weight starts inching down a lb or so a month, I start trying to walk and can make it from 1 telephone pole to the next and back again. I start trying to extend my walks every week until I can walk a quarter mile, and go back to a bypass support group meeting st st vincents east, I weigh in at 550. I have lost 40 lbs. I continue doing the protein shakes and salads and start going to the support group meeting every month. I have an interview with Doctor Schmitt and my weight is at 525. NOW I have to start jumping thru some hoops, visiting with a Psychologist and a nutritionist and getting evaluated and poked and prodded. I get a surgical date for december of 2008 and 1 week before my surgery, when I am doing a liquid diet to shrink my liver prior to surgery, the bloody shrink puts a the breaks on my surgery. she insist I speak with a therapist and take a test, the test cost me out of pocket over 400 dollars and told me what I already knew, I am depressed and suicidal and bi polar and just suffering from PTSD. I go in for a sleep study (also required) still need the cpap. I hate that thing. hurts my face, if I roll over I drool and the bloody thing fills up with drool, ever wake up drowning in your own spit? GROSS! february 15th 2009. report to ST V's at 5:30 am. I weigh in at 490 lbs. they lay me down on a bed, a nurse injects something into my IV and off to sleep I go. wake up time, my wife and daughter are trying to wake me up in recovery. jessica tells me that cloee my cat wants me to wake up I think, kinda foggy on that memory, but I wake up. within the next hour Sandra, My Wife, gets me up and walking short distances in the hallway. 2 days later I go home. will continue this story later.

http://mygastricsleevelife.blogspot.com/2012/06/week-5-pictures-measurements-and-weight.html

Hello everyone. My name is audrey. im 20 years old and overweight. obviously. i graduated high school in 2010 and from then on i felt like i needed to start my own life and find who i really am inside. Its a scary thought that i am on my own now and i actually have to start providing for myself. By doing this it means buying my own groceries on a telemarketers wage. Now, this is a good paying job, however, im very independant so i have my own house, a brand new car and a good paying job (i know, its rare for kids my age to have all of the above ). Now, since i have all those things it doesn't really leave much room for good healthy foods. My foods now consist of canned pastas, ramen noodles and take out. quick easy and simple. and of course i am a 20 year old so you have to figure in the partying and things like that. So now that i have described a little bit about me and my day to day life i will start talking about the journey to the lap band surgery. I grew up in a house hold that was full of abuse and depression. my mom was about 400 pounds. my dad was a sober abusive guy that had nothing else better to do with his time then to beat on us kids and beat the crap outta my mom. Us kids had rules that we had to follow and one of those rules was we COULD NOT leave the table until our plate was spotless. literally. Full or not. it HAD to be clean. some parents would eventually give in but not my dad. So, now that im grown, i still have those rules instilled in my brain and thinking process. I just cannot bring myself to leave the plate unfinished. as much as i try to waste the food i just cant do it. so i will fill myself till i am miserable till "i have a clean plate". When my mom finally got the courage to leave my dad, she met the love of her life (which is pretty much my real dad....he is the one that raised me when my dad wasn't around. and for that i thank him and love him very much.) My mom had the gastrice bypass surgery and lost over 200 pounds. Got down to 180 and still struggles with her weight but will never be that size ever again. So now that that my mom realizes how much i struggle with my weight she suggested this surgery. Ever since that day ive been hooked on having this surgery. I feel like i deserve this surgery because i never got that chance to be the skinny girl or have the nice clothes or anything like that. I want that so bad. Not to be the "thin girl" but to be the happy girl thats why i chose to title this Imma rock this...cause baby i am. Im going to do whatever necessary to make myself successful and to be happy and not let anything stand in my way of happiness anymore. sorry its kinda long but i guess that's what you get for a first blog

Losing weight has less to do with a fill than the right attitude. I was banded 5-10-11 and by 11-10-11 I lost 100 pounds to my goal. I was never filled. I do no exercise at all. It is all about calories in and calories out. I keep meticulous track and for the first 4 months did not go over 750 in a day. Now i allow myself 1100-1200 because I want to lose 14 more pounds. (my doctor says it is ok) So.... Do you keep track of what you eat? Plan your meals? Take the food onto your plate you are allowing yourself and no more after that? Do you avoid: caloric add-ons to food. For example I use yellow mustard on everything. (it is zero/tsp but brown mustard is 5/tsp) Do you use zero-calorie dressings for your salad? Do you avoid ketchup and oil-based condiments? Do you NEVER drink 10 minutes before to an hour after your meal? This is btw my NUMBER 1 rule. It allows delayed emptying and you stay hungry longer. Do you keep very low cal snacks in the frig such as: no far sugar free puddings, pickles (which are zero) lettuce, sweet peppers, etc? Did you have dessert on Thanksgiving? Think about these questions and if you want to chat email me at: michaelwasfat1@gmail.com my outside blog is michaelwasfat.blogspot.com