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Now, for the record, I am not by any means thin...YET. However, I have to admit that today at the pool, I felt really good about myself. From my highest weight, I have lost close to eighty five pounds. Since my surgery, seven weeks ago, I have lost a total of fifty five pounds. It amazes me how losing that weight has affected me. Last year I would go to the pool and try to get a chair as far away from people as possible. I would also make sure the chair was in close proximity to the steps of the pool so that I could just dart in without having too many people see me. I know people don't like to look at overweight people so I didn't want to cause their eyes to have to hurt any more than they would have to. I figured that the faster I got in, the faster I could "hide" in the water. I would have never EVER thought about sitting on the edge of the pool and chatting with a friend or walking to the far steps to get in becasue someone was hanging out at the ones near my chair. I would have waited until the people moved and then darted in to the pool. I broke all my rules today. First, I proudly strutted my stuff down the length of the pool to go in the steps that were not being occupied. Then, I sat on the edge of the pool, legs in, and didn't once think about how fat I looked and how I shouldn't be sitting there. I also didn't dart in, and attempt to hide in the water. I took my time getting in the chilly water and enjoyed myself. When I was done, I again proudly strutted my stuff back to my chair, laid down and soaked up the sun. At one point I even looked at my ever shrinking legs and thought, "Damn girl, looking good!" I have to admit, I like this new feeling. I can't remember ever feeling this good about myself. Even when I was a size 10 I was self conscience. I am sure the more I lose, the more my body image will change for the better. and I can't wait for that to happen, but for now, I am going to enjoy my time this summer at the pool or beach and continue to strut my stuff every chance I get and I hope you all do the same. Strut that stuff and be proud...sleeve or no sleeve, we are all beautiful!!!

After being humilated at a teacher's inservice I decided something had to be done. In February we were supposed to work on the federal government's Common Core Curriculum when the planners of the inservice thought it would be clever to play with those words and work on our 'cores.' So we were asked to do pilates to start the session off. Well, once I'm on the ground, it isn't easy or pretty to get up again. A week later, I began the journey to WLS. It seems I've been trying to lose weight my whole life. I was a stick until about 4th grade. Ever since, I've been compared to all of my very athletic and thin siblings and relatives. I even had an uncle call me to congratulate me on the birth of my daughter who weighed 9 pounds. He ended the call with, "Have you lost any weight?" My reply was...9 pounds. In addition to wanting to be able to move, look and feel good, and reverse my diabetes, I need to be healthy for my children. I have a 20 year old who is an amazing athlete and an adorable 11 year old. Both are often embarassed of my size. They rarely say anything but I've seen and heard comments from others. I want to be able to do things with them and have the energy to keep up with them. I want to be active even into my 80's and 90's! So here we go!

Ok so here it is summer and here i am with three kids who LOVE swimming just as much as me. Which was always fine as long as it was our own pool but about two years ago my kids learned about hurricane harbor and all the water fun that has to offer. All that i could see was me being the over weight mom wishing that i wasn't. I love to make my kids smile and i knew that i would be the only one uncomfortable with myself because i was over weight. I mean i never ever bought myself a swim suit because well let face it i knew i was big and big isn't always pretty in swim wear. So when i started my lap band journey i had many goals and one of the goals was to get myself to where i looked good enough to wear a swim suit in June. I have push myself and pushed my self. And back in march i bought a swim suit and i wore it at a hotel in and indoor pool and i thought to myself this wasn't bad i wasn't made fun of and this swim suit really hid all the loose skin areas. So last week i bought my whole family season passes to hurricane harbor. It was the first time that i went since i was about 17 and had an adorable body. But now here i am branded looking of some sort of redemption as far as all the excuses i had given my husband in the past about why i didn't want to go to the BIG water park. In my husbands eyes i have looked beautiful at every point but my kids are a little harder to sell on the idea. But we went yesterday and i wore my swim suit in front of the thousands of people and no bad looks no mean name calling nothing. And what made the day even better was that my son wanted to ride all the rides with me he asked me to go ride rides with him. And he said mom your pretty. He is nine and i have said this before but just to be clear i haven't had any children of my own i have three step children that i adopted. But my son is the one that i have really raised because he was so small when we met each other He acts just like me and everyone thinks that he is really mine but any ways. He told me that i was pretty and that made the day that much better! Thanks to my lap band i can go to water parks and i can feel like everyone else at them and as long as my kids are happy im pretty sure i can do anything!

So, it has been a tough week for me. There were so many highs and lows. It's hard being a single, independent woman because you are so used to relying on yourself for everything. No one came to visit me when I left the hospital so that sucked pretty bad. Maybe it's because everyone else is used to me doing for me period. Food - I miss chewing everything. Gum, meat, vegetables, whatever. I lot of the protein drinks that I bought pre op taste awful but because I spent so much money I am trying to push through. The most digusting thing is the protein jello (what was I thinking when I bought that). Work - I started working from home on day 7 and it was tough because I worked a full 8 hours. It felt good not to just be sitting around the house, plus I will not lose any additional time. Exercise - I walked two full miles today and felt great. I was totally energized which is different. I have been getting my 1 mile in per day but decided to push it because my pain is pretty much gone. I am totally afraid to weigh myself because the last time I weighed I had gained a few pounds. I cannot wait to be able to do more than walking. I am so glad that my child is almost 18 and does not require a lot of cooking from me. Cooking food in these first few weeks is hard. It is still hard to smell food when she cooks. I want to throw everything in the garbage. Jello and popsicles are my best friend. I wish I had a significant other to share little milestones with. I have a friend that had a bypass 4 years ago but I haven't had very much support from her since my surgery. Everyone is "too" busy. I'm definitely going to follow up with the therapy session so I will not completely lose my mind. I guess this is all for now. Feel like I am rambling.

I got approved today. My surgery date is teh 27th of June 2012. I'm ecstatic! My life is about to change, and I can't wait!