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A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.

I had my first psycho therapy session in over a month. I usually schedule the sessions on Wednesday afternoons because I telecommute that day. Unfortunately scheduling conflicts occured with all of the pre surgery doctor visits. I'm wondering now if one of the reasons that I am so down these days is that I haven't talked through my issues. I honestly think exploring why and how I eat was a very good decision on my part. My therapist has had WLS fairly recently so she can understand when I talk about my fear of not losing weight, or my fear that I won't be able to hide behind my weight anymore. She also tries to understand when I talk about being afraid that my depression will sabatoge the surgery. I have not been very social in the last few months; I go out once in a while with friends but my regular week day is like this: Wake up; shower etc, commute, work, commute, lie in bed when I get home. I don't know how to get out of this dark mood and be myself again. Clinical depression sucks. It sucks because nothing is funny or fun anymore and petty annoyances (a boss who feels that talking to me is intimidating) and 'real life issues' (like my mother's dementia and my father just being himself) are not improving. One of the reasons that I am having this surgery is that I want to get out more. It's embarassing but execising hurts now. Exercise used to make me feel good. I pray and I pray. I do feel better. I feel relieved and calm when I pray and I can stop myself from stuffing my face. It's funny I turned to food for comfort but the comfort is never there. I hate myself for overeating and I'm physically miserable when I'm stuffed. I realize that I can be my own enemy in choosing to do something that harms me in different ways. One day at a time; each day as it's own. I remember that God loves me and I smile on the inside too.

lol.... the new scale will become your best friend..... because best friends are honest no matter how much it hurts.

I think that you are doing great! 34 pounds?!!! Just focus on all the times you tried to lose before...how long would it have taken you to get to 34 pounds before the surgery? I know that it would take me so long to get that far. You have increased your physical activity 50 times! How many people can say that? Every time your hubby brings crap food in the house, empty it into the trash. He will get tired of wasting money soon enough!

I'm working graveyard shift today, but my body doesn't want to cooperate with sleep...so here I am, awake when I should be asleep. But it's ok. Since my breakdown on Monday, I've been making a concerted effort to really question my motivations for anything that comes in or out of my mouth. I hadn't realized it, but I have been buying into the pity that has been coming from aquaintances: "If I could only eat a few bites, I would DIE!" "Aren't you going to end up like Carnie Wilson? You know, she had that surgery and gained it all back." "Wow, you're going to be so sick...I had a (insert friend or relative here) who had that surgery, and he/she was so malnourished that she had to live in the hospital for (insert long period of time), they had to feed her through a tube and he/she almost died!" "We're all going out drinking....you coming CatLady? Oh, that's right...no fun for you anymore!" etc, etc, etc. I'm not sure why I took so many of these to heart, but I have. It comes down to feeling....abnormal. It's a feeling I've struggled with almost my entire life. I just want to fit in - and since surgery, it feels like I stick out even more. For some reason, I chose to remedy this in a fashion that was really no remedy at all. It just made me feel like more of a screw up. So my goal this week has been to listen only to myself, not what I -THINK- others may think or say about me. It has been challenging, but doable. The big realization is that I *AM* normal. THIS is my new normal. and I've got to go with the flow. Took my daughter to Panda Express (her favorite place) to celebrate the last day of school, and was perfectly content picking at 1/4 of a side's worth of Mushroom Chicken. Enjoyed talking to her and being inside in the air conditioning. And felt ok. Just have to lock this feeling away and remember it.

Your doing great. I will share with you that in the beginning you will have to experiment with different foods. It may take you a while to figure out what goes down the easiest until you get used to learning to feel for soft stops. It took me months to eat eggs. For me a lot of food tasted different to me and my tastes seemed to change. My MD told me he had no idea why I felt these things but he had other patients tell him the same thngs. I ate a lot of greek yogurt and grits in the beginning with protein powder added to everything. Honestly I worried in the beginning if I would ever be able to actually sit down and eat a normal meal and also wondered how in the heck I would ever get down the protein and veggies I was suppose to. All of this comes with time and practice. It really is like learning to eat all over again. Good luck and keep up the good work.

I haven't told a lot of people that I had a sleeve done. I just didn't want the negative. This is the new normal. Go out with your friends.. you can be the designated driver. And there is nothing wrong with talking 2/3 of a restaurant meal home in a box. You can eat it later..... and you can still have fun.. and be a healthy weight.

What you are discovering now is something I discovered years ago. I had to go through chemotherapy at age 31, it wasn't something I wanted to do but the choice was to do it or die. I felt powerless and I would complain all the time to my Dr "when would I feel normal again". I was so tired of being tired. He told me that I would have a new "normal" and frankly I was not happy about it. In fact, I really did end up in a deep depression and it was more about the fact that I felt my life was out of control. I'm saying this because you will find a new normal and it will be great! I'm trying to cope with needing to have this surgery (scheduled June 4) and knowing that I will have to again find a new "normal" but in the end, it will be so worth it. Just try to stay away from those people who are negative... I think that's why I haven't choosen to tell anyone other than just my husband and two of my children - I just don't want to hear the negativity that can come when choosing this option to help with loosing weight. Just know that there are people who read your blog and care about you!

Hello Cheryla, I understand that your are having problems right now with things not working out and can put you down in the dumps, but I believe everything happens for a reason. We as people always try to control things that we cannot control and we worry way more than we should. Only thing worring does is cause us to be upset and discourage and maybe becoming ill for NO reason.Keep the faith and your head up. BLESSINGS

Very inspiring blog post ChaCha! I missed you! You've made some major food changes for your diet. I was just at Whole Foods and looking at better quality foods, thinking that just might be the way I want to go. I'm 4 wks postop now, and eating soft foods. Quantity is still very small, and I too always put more on my little plate than I can come near to eating!! Which is okay with me. Weight loss has been slow, but who cares?! I'm fine with that too. Congrats with your progress!