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It amazes me how much my body has changed in only five weeks. Rolls are smaller, my side boobs are almost gone, and my stomach is semi flat (though still big). My legs are changing and shaping and my boobs are shrinking to the smallest they have been since college....when I used to think they were very large. If I have changed this much is such a short time, I can't even imagine what I will look like in a year. The idea of being around 150 pounds is still unreal to me. I know it's my goal and I am doing everything I need to in order to make my goal, but it still seems crazy to me to think I could ever bee that thin. I wasn't even that thin in high school. Yesterday I took the plunge and tried on my bathing suit. I knew when I bought it two years ago that it was too small for me, but I didn't care. I shoved every inch of fat into it and enjoyed myself on the beach or in the pool. That won't be the case this year. First, it went right on with no wiggle-wiggle. You girls know what I mean. The moving your body and the garment in an attempt to get it up and over your ___________(fill in the blank). Nope, this time it slid right up. It fit perfectly and I looked good in it. Not model good, but good. I will no longer have to pretend that I feel comfortable at the beach, because now I will be. I was so excited that I came running out of the bedroom to tell my husband only to find him passed out on the couch taking a nap. So, I decided to jump into the car and drive the mile to my parent's home and show my new body to my mother. I was smart enough to throw some clothes on before running out the door. I think it would be a little strange to see a woman driving in her bathing suit this early in the summer. I do live near a beach, so it's not as uncommon as you may think. I literately walked into the house, said hello and stripped down to my bathing suit. Lucky for me my mother is very understanding and didn't demand me to stop stripping in her kitchen. Instead, she looked me up and down and told me how wonderful I look. Yea, I look wonderful in a bathing suit. LOL Then to make my weekend even better, I tried on a pair of Old Navy sweats I bought prior to my surgery. They couldn't get over my but when I bought them but now, they fit just perfectly. I am really liking this weight loss thing that comes from getting a sleeve. I wish someone would have told me this would have been a side affect. I would have done it a long time ago. LOL Just kidding. The only side affect I didn't really know about was how good I would really feel and not just because the clothes fit. It's more just feeling better all around. Knowing I did something for me that is making me healthier every day. Now, if weight loss is a part of that, I'll take it. I will also take feeling good in a bathing suit (both kinds) because, that's something I haven't felt .... well, ever.

You know you have it bad when you read a post that talks about being so hungry that a person decided to chew some food and spit it out, just to feel like they were eating, and instead of being grossed out, you think damned, that sounds good! That's what 21 days on fat free milk only does to your mind Suregery tomorrow, thank God!

The nerves have set in today, I have this anxious energy that won't stop. It's like I've been nesting today, cleaning, bills, shopping, planning and so on. I just want tomorrow to go fast so I can get this part over! My brain won't stop thinking about everything, "am I doing the right thing, for the right reasons, is it selfish when I have a family to consider, would I ever be able to do it another way, don't I deserve this, what if something goes wrong, what will I look like in a year".... and on and on it goes. All the mental debates I've had over the months streaming back through two nights before. Even with the doubts, I know this is the right choice! Just last minute jitters I guess. My husband and I are going for an hour massage tomorrow, then we will get a clear fluid of some kind and walk for a while. Later I will pack for the hospital and then go to be early (if I can sleep) so I will be well rested for surgery on Tuesday. I'm so lucky to have a man like my husband in my life! He took a week off work to be with me every step of the way. I'm really thankful he is mine! 2 nights to go!

I was sleeved on the 17th. This is how I kept my focus. I thought about all the pain I have been in etc; this was my fuel. I don't think it's no way to prepare ourselves. Everyone responds differently. The worst part post-op for me was the nausea, vomiting, retching and gas pains. I felt horrible. Each day I feel a little better. You will survive! Keep your focus.

Congrats! I am so happy for you that your date is so near. Stay positive.

For a couple weeks after deciding that I wanted to get the sleeve, I couldn't control my eating. I ate so much! It was ridiculous! I think a lot of it was "last supper syndrome," and also doubt. In the back of my mind, I was hoping for an effortless quick fix. When I read more and learned that I would still have to put in hard work, I think that bothered me also. I'm finally at peace with the fact that the surgery won't solve all of my problems without effort. I'm now ready and willing to do everything I have to, especially in the first 6 months, to ensure success. I'm also going to meet with a counselor to help me work through the problems that cause me to overeat. I'm not sure which route will be best-- a hypnotherapist or a traditional psychologist? Now that I'm 2 weeks pre-op, I suddenly am a lot more focused, calm, and able to control my eating. Don't get me wrong. I didn't do it on my own. Yesterday, which was my first day of change, I literally had to pray every few hours just to keep my mind in check. When the "food addiction" thing takes over, no amount of pills or anything can stop me. Prayer is the only thing that works when I'm that out of control. And even then, it's a huge struggle. I can't say with 100% certainty that I'll make it through today without indulging in junk. In the past I've been so sure and then failed. But I will do the best that I can. Last night I thought about my goals as far as weight loss, and I feel so much better now that my path has been set. Yesterday, I weighed in at 188 pounds. My first mini goal is to get to 145 pounds. That would but me at a BMI of 27.3-- still overweight, but I look good at that weight. Everything I lose after that will be like a bonus. My ultimate goal, however, is 125 pounds.

Don't ever feel selfish, the good Lord knows what you need before you speak it and will be with you every step of the way. You will be in my prayer's. I understand your nervousness and can only imagine how I will be when I am in your shoes. I was a wreck the morning of my endoscopy and thought to myself how the heck am I going to be the morning of my surgery?! I needed to shake myself out of it and gain control. (as much as I could anyhow) You're going to do great and I look forward to hearing an update from you! This time tomorrow you'll be on the loser's bench!

Thanks to those of you that did read my last whiney arsed post. I am still worried about the hospital bill, but you know I've been reading some bible entries (no I'm not the most biblical nor the most church going person; however, I'm in a women's study group of "seeing yourself through god's eyes" and it has helped me a bit). I sometimes forget that with my faith, everything will work out in the end. We never have ppl over, it's a rarity. IDK why, we are hermits I guess. But one of the parents that helped us tremendously whenever I was in the hospital for the month of March, we had them over for dinner last night. I didn't know the dad was an atheist. He's been through a lot of physical abuse from his dad in his life and he said that's why he doesn't believe in God. He doesn't understand how a God can let bad things happen to people. Well, you know, I don't either but I told him it made me sad. Maybe I sound naive, but through all of my trials and tribulations, I have been angry at God and pissed at the world before - and God still is there - and He's still blessed me through my worst and loved me through it all. I've seen His blessings in my life. I don't know why bad things happen to good people. One of the passages in the study that I am doing talked of God teaching us all lessons. Perhaps this parent that came over, his was where his lessons crossed and where his dad's lessons crossed as well. A few days ago Passion of the Christ was on PBS. I've never seen it and it was more than 1/2 over whenever I caught it on t.v. It shocked me how terribly they beat Jesus. Ok so I do sound naive, but I remember going to Catholic school for 8 years (as a non-Catholic, yes I was baptist going to private catholic school. Why? I think my parents wanted to keep me segregated. Written with total sarcasm: They loved that I married a black man........ but that's another therapy session/entry at another time...). I never understood the full extent of how they beat Jesus until I saw that scene - I really thought of it as an adult. Why did God allow all of that pain to be inflicted on His son? There was a point at the end - and in a long winded fashion, that's what trials and tribulations are for all of us. Lessons to be learned. Character that is grown through trials and tribulations. Most of us are experiencing a trial in something that we share and that's weight loss (or grrr for the plateau patty's out there like me, the non weight loss at times, double grrr). I just hope most of us have the faith to know that God is there through whatever trial or tribulation. He has blessings in store for us, if we remain faithful. I'm having my moments on hospital bills and life and weight loss. But I will be ok. I know God's got my back, in the end. Doesn't mean the road won't be hard and that I won't cry or whine (y'all forgive me pls for that); however, thank you to those that help pick me up whenever I feel like I can't or that I feel like I am not worth it. We all have our moments..... thank you for picking me up whenever I have mine. OH and btw, I DID get on the scale this morning. I'm down another .5 lb. Dang it, I'm counting it! lol... 59.5 total I think. I went today and tried on clothes at Ross (I am a cheapskate, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ross) - and they all fit, some even being too big. So again to those that have said whenever I have a stall "have you measured yourself?" Well no, I don't measure.. but trying on clothes today SHOWED me keep on going. Remain in faith - you'll be surprised how God blesses you (and that I KNOW for sure). So I hope someone that is in doubt, or may be struggling and may not speak up about it reads this, because I sincerely know how you feel. Remember pls you aren't alone. And thank you to those that lift me up ... thank you much. Ok rambling rita signing off, lol... I wish you all blessings! xoxo PS - OH and I leave you with one of my favorite quotes, I think it's from eggface.... I've been trying to remember this lately: Weight loss is a journey, not a destination. PSS - The other quote I love (and was in my studies, I saw it this morning): This too shall pass. PSSS - And from my yoga class this morning (omg I thought I was gonna die, I wanted to quit at one point, it was hard but I stuck it out, just like life), the teacher was talking about yoga and comparing the stances to trials in life. He had a point. If you aren't happy or satisfied or whatever, stop and focus... not on others, not on what they have or have done, but on you and your blessings essentially... so remember : What is your focus?

good luck to you...as far as food goes post op you'll have to follow your docs orders..all of us seemed to have different instructions...once you find out what you can eat come back for more suggestions...

I wish you luck tomorrow. You are going to be great! LovetheNewMe couldn't have said it better. The band is the only thing that has ever truly worked for me but just remember it is a tool. You need to work it correctly and if you don't you will suffer the concequences. Trust me.....the band is very tempermental so follow your doctors orders and chew...chew...chew!!!! Keep us posted on how things go tomorrow.