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I have started my journey.......actually i started about 3 years ago, but came up with every excuse in the world to hold myself back. Yes I said it....I was the queen of self sabotage......(thats another story all together).....I have now put my best foot forward to achieve this goal......my weight loss is now at 29 pounds....and yes Im feeling a bit sexy and risque.....on top of losing weight I am planning my wedding which will be in Jamaica.....Ohhhhhh so now its seems a bit clearer....yes sometimes the feeling is as if my mind is split into thousands of molecule particles...... Since completing the Options program (a program which you must complete in order to have bariatric surgery through kaiser)...there has been so many self discoveries and understanding the true inner demons with in myself. However; it has felt like waking out out of a fog that I have been drifting through for many years. Lies and deceit...all to myself....NO matter how I believed myself to be a woman of honor who has never felt the need to lie to anyone......well I was lying to myself almost on an hourly basis.....again thats another story for another time... the track for me as been drawn out....and just like that green arrow in that ins comercial (and right now I can not for the life of me remember the name of the ins) anywayssss......im following my little green arrow....Im going to make a habit to release myself on this blog.....honesty will be a must.....comedy will be a natural part....Im going to share my fears, and my victories....and will sit back an enjoy this transition in my life..... dang this blog was all about me.....and I think I like it....and that too is another long story.....Now going to finish sewing.....yes im making some of my welcome bag gifts already..... cant wait to watch this all play out ......

Here I am sitting at 308 lbs, well that is what they weighed me in at the doctor's office on May 9th 2012. I went for my first consult. The dr says he does not think showing a medical need will be any problem. It is just a wait and see game to know what hoops the insurance(Aetna) is going to make me jump through. The office said it will take about 2 weeks to hear back from the insurance company. Come on 2 weeks. I am ready to start a life that has me playing the lead as a smaller ME! I have been fat my entire life and it has caused me such mental pain and now it is causing me physical pain as well. This is the largest I have EVER been in my entire life. When you hit rock bottom I guess there is only one way to go and that is up. My weight got out of hand after being pregnant 5 times. I have had two miscarriages and 3 live births. I was on bed rest with the last two for a good half of the pregnancy. Since that time I can not make the scale move in the opposite direction. It just keeps moving up. I want to be able to chase my girls and play without being afraid of hurting one of them. It is funny the larger I get the more I just want to hide and the more impossible being able to hide gets. Does anyone have Aetna? If so what kind of experience did you have?

Don't recall who sang that song, but I'm singing it now! The other side...hooray! Past the anticipation, past the short lived pain and nausea, past the hospital and the fear and the doubt. Done. Next. Each day is better than the previous. I am up and around today, although still pampering myself and taking it easy a bit. I am still a little bit sore and cannot wait to sleep on my stomach again. That part has been difficult for me, I have to admit. I am learning about that weird feeling when I swallow. I am amused by the gurgling. I am thinking about success. I am concentrating on it. I am realizing that TV has entirely too much food on it. Every other commercial is about food! And I will need to come to terms with my love of food. That will be the work I will need to do. I always wanted to be Italian because the women go to the markets every morning and come home to create their masterpieces. They take great pride in the fresh ingredients and the love they put into it. This is a balance I will need to learn to achieve. Nothing wrong with good fresh ingredients and some creative, loving inspiration to put to them. I just need to learn to work that to my advantage. There was a time in my life where I cooked everything from scratch. I was so proud of that. Of course, I had every afternoon off and all the time in the world to do it. Yeah, those days are over I found myself lying in bed this morning thinking ahead...thinking by my birthday this year, I'll be an entirely different person. So many false starts in the past that I never dreamt of thinking ahead. This weight is going to come off. I will be different. I will succeed. I feel awkwardly courageous at this point. Some will try to take that away from me...say that I took the easy way out. But I will not allow it.

Doctors appoint in Vegas went really good. I am above the norm for losing which is where I want to be. He increased the amount of protein he wants me eating and is very happy with my a1c count. He reminded me that as I get closer to goal weight I will have to work harder to lose the weight. I have reached another goal 255lbs yeah, next goal is 200lbs so will increase the weight training as I can't do much cardio right now. According to the doctors I may never be able to much cardio because of the damage to my heart. Had to buy new clothes to cover, every thing was falling off, down to size 18/20 tops and pants from 28's and 5x's it just amazes me at how many sizes I have gone through. I am hoping to be n 14/16's b the end of the month. I am so thankful for all the changes taking place and I owe it all to God and the doctors for letting me have this surgery. Well time to start a new week and new adventures. Day by Day Step by Step with Jesus is my prayer.

This has been a very trying week for me.... I never really realized the depth of my addiction to food... The PTA has been celebrating Teacher Appriciation all week long... so there have been snacks in my box everyday this week and they have provided us with lunch including desserts.... today when I entered the lounge... there was a large spread of pastas and pies.... I was soo tempted to just take a small sample of all of the goods... but instead, I decided to come back to my class and Blog... while drinking my protein shake... all is good though... I am feeling stronger already.. Thanking God for Blessing me with the strength resist temptation....