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ok my anniversary will be may 20th! my goal was to be in a size 12 top and bottom(those of you that follow my blog, know how that's been going). well today i got a pair of size 12 jeans in the mail i ordered and tried them on just to see. OMG THEY FIT! now they are snug, but still comfortable. I COULD JUST CRY! i cant believe i made it and before my year! YEAH ME!!!!!

I have a problem. It's not a big problem. Some may say it's not a problem at all. However, I feel as though I have begun to let this little thing begin to take control of my life and I do not like it. What pray tell am I talking about? Is it pills? Illegal drugs? Alcohol? The scale (again)? Nope, it's none of those things. It's the one ounce cups they gave me at the hospital. You know what I'm talking about. Those cute little plastic cups that are so clearly marked with 1/2 and 1 ounce for liquids. Yes, those are the ones. I can't seem to drink anything with out using them. I even keep a running total of the number of 1ounce cups I have consumed on a nearby piece of paper. I don't understand why I can't look at a glass or a cup and figure out how much I've had to drink. I know it's not that hard to do but for some reason, I have become reliant on my little one ounce cups. I've even included a photo of my obsession. I don't need them when I am out and about. I can look at a 20 ounce bottle and figure out how much I've had from it. Same thing with my 14ounce Lean Shakes. But for some reason, when I come home and put my liquids in a regular glass or cup, I lose all ability to do simple math and I NEED my handy little cup. My husband is getting sick of my little cup obsession. He has even asked when I will be done using them. I had to be honest and tell him that I wasn't sure. I need to be careful with what i say to him or he's likely to go hid my little cups with my scale and only allow me to use them once every week. Actually, that may be a good thing. For the record, I felt very thin this morning but was unable to check my progress due to not knowing where my scale is. This is getting old VERY fast. LOL So, I have found my new crutch to hold on to for now. My little cups. I have thought about why I need them only at home, and I think I've figured it out. I have to keep a food log for the first two months after surgery (this includes liquids). I am not sure how many of you have to do this as well, but for the record it's a pain in my ever shrinking butt. Before I eat or drink anything, I have to put down the start time, what it is, and then when I am done, I have to fill in out much I've had and the end time. I can't just go get my mush for dinner and sit down and enjoy it. I have to go through all this documenting and by the time I get to sit down and try to enjoy my mush, it's not hot anymore. All I want is hot mush. It's bad enough I am having mush to begin with, can't it at least be mush to my liking? I am sure you are all aware that mush isn't that good anyway so to have to take the extra few seconds to fill out this form which in turn makes it lukewarm, only adds to my hatred or my food log. I don't get much to eat, let me enjoy what I do get. Ok, my rant about my food log is done for now. I am sure it will come up in future blog posts. So, back to my little cups. I know I have to give them up soon. I know there is no real need for me to hold on to them. I wonder if deep down I'm worried about taking in too much liquid even though I know my body will "let me know" if I do. Or it could be that I'm worried I won't get enough liquids in even though I know that's not possible with the amount I drink. So, I am going to make a pack. I am not going to use my cup after I finish with my current crystal lite drink. Just saying that has struck fear in my heart. My inner voice is even laughing me right now. "Come on Trish, you can do this. You drank just fine without these little cups before surgery and you can do it again. So, wish me luck and let me know if you are still using the little one ouncers as well. If so, maybe we can stop together. The good thing to remember is that relapse is part of recover. So if I slip up and use it again, I can just consider myself one step closer to recovering. *side note, I was a Drug and Alcohol counselor for years...not sure how good I was after reading my last few statements* Anyway, here I go, drink is finished and the little cup is going bye-bye. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but now I'm not so sure. As I place the cup in my recycle bin, I can feel the emotions welling up inside. The only thing that is helping me through this (and helping me not take it out of the trash) is the knowledge that I still have a whole stake of one ounce cups in the cabinet. You know, just in case I need them.

On April 24th I turned 42 ... My husband's birthday is the 22nd and I made a big deal out of it because he turned 40 ... I made his favorite foods for dinner and even made him a homemade pineapple upside down cake (his fav), we stayed busy all day and played with the kids ... We have 3 young children; 10, 8 and 4. They had a very hard time understanding why on my birthday there would be no cake and no special meal. I was very good on my hubby's birthday and was not going to blow it on my birthday !!! It was still a very special day and for the 1st time in my life I was able to celebrate something without making it about the food !!! I know that doesn't seem like a very big deal to some people, but those of us that have struggled with our weight, know how difficult that can be. Even with all of my hard work I did not reach my goal of losing 10lbs this month but I came very close, losing 8lbs. I have started shaking things up a little in my work outs in hope that it will help me reach my 10lb goal for May and maybe even give my that extra 2lbs I didn't get in April ... My husband told me a few weeks ago that he didn't realize that losing weight would be this much work for me after having wls ... I must admit I didn't really know what I was getting myself into either, but I refuse to have gone through all of this and not lose the weight !!! Getting banded was the best thing I ever did for myself and my family. My husband even bought me a pink and white beach cruiser for my birthday so we can start riding along the beach with the kids this summer !!! Before I was banded I would have returned the bike and spent the money on bills or even going out for a nice dinner but now I can't wait for the kids to be out on summer break so we can start riding !!! I am very blessed to live at the beach in SoCal where the wether is usually beautiful but I never took advantage of it until now and it feels great =0)

First,Takingmylifebacc,of course we will lose.We just need to be patient. Tonight the topic came up again.Move,when,where,university,school,US/UK? And without realizing what I was doing it I told everyone it was time for bed.When the kids were in bed (and the grown ups in the villa too) I decided that I felt like something nice.I had heard that people will have some peanut butter,a tablespoon full I thought.But alas,me being me that wasnt enough. I actually got some fat free or sugarfree cool whip and scooped the frozen cool whip like ice cream in a bowl,topped it with the spoon of peanut butter, climbed into a hot bath and slowly finished it all.AND THEN I FELT AS SICK AS A DOG!In fact I still do. This sleeve is the most amazing thing.I will either learn or I will feel terrible...and it is great!Of course I will learn,I am not unteachable or stupid...mind you a week or 2 back I posted something similar I think...ok,so I hope I will learn!LOL Emotional eating is a terrible thing.It has ruined my life for many years.Now that I cannot eat I often feel like I am so bored and I am searching for something.I will have to start exercising a lot more to help counter these feelings. But,the sleeve rocks.Now that all this emotional stuff will be there all the time while decisions are made and with the move (difficult thing to do,very difficult this has been our home for 10 years,we love this crazy place) I will not be able to make myself fatter just sick if I dont listen...lol.but i will learn!

Well, It has been a few weeks since I've blogged.... I guess I should use this blog session as a confessional. Got my third adjustment in January wherein I achieved great restriction. That's what I was waiting on....the kind of restriction that stop me from eating. WRONG!! The band doesn't make me stop...I have fought it. I found a way around it....I haven't been following rules as I should. It is totally my fault that I haven't had more than 3lb weight loss in one month. All I thought about was good restriction before I got it....after I got it I found a way to fight it. My doctor said my meals should never be longer than 20 min. I eat sometimes for 40 min. I thought I knew how to stop after 20 min. I had practiced it for 6 months prior to my surgery (Sept. 2011). I seen my surgeon today and he said those horrifying words that I already know deep down "YOU ARE A FOOD ADDICT and you have to change your mind-set so you can change your behavior". I know its true. But, at this point, I really don't know how to let the band work for me, instead I am finding myself fighting the one thing that can help against my addiction. Although frustrated and aggravated, I refuse to give up. I will keep trying. I have 6 weeks before my next appointment and I am determined to have at least a 6-8 lb. weight loss. I just gotta figure this thing out. I thought I already I knew....

Since November 16th I have met with Dr. Shamsi once a month, kept a food journal on myfitnesspal.com and shared with the doctor. Six months and 60 pounds lighter, is a good start. I've gone through WLS "Is it Right for me" class, which explained all the surgeries, I have sat in group meetings, I have gone through psychological testings and met with their psychologist, I had a previous colonoscopy that they have the records, I had to get a release from my cardiologist, I met with their nutritionist, met with Dr. Stanish twice now and finally received my verbal approval from BCBSIL on Monday and I lucked out....twice a month they do a mandatory two Wednesday class from 1-3. If I didn't get approved until today I would have had to wait another 2 weeks for the next class to begin!! So two days after approval, I got into my first Wed. Class. The program at healthy4life through St. Mary's Hobart/Community Hospital Munster seems different than a lot of the ones I've seen here. They charge you a $600.00 program, out of pocket fee,before surgery. I paid $200.00 during my four month - pre-surgery nutritionist evaluation. Today the second $200.00 was paid, which paid for two weeks worth of protein shakes for the pre-op diet. Another $200.00 will be paid one week before surgery when I meet with the nurses to go over my medications and which meds to continue, stop etc. These fees gives us hotline number to the nurses to be used at any time, free access to meet with the nurses, free nutritionist/dietician access and nurses, and appointments for life. Sounds pretty good to me. Today's meeting was with a group of 5 that will be undergoing surgery with either Dr. Dong or Dr. Stanish. A few are getting gastric bypass the rest are getting sleeved. Dr. Stanish does not do duodenal switch any longer and I'm not positive, but I believe he's moved away from LapBand. We each received a packet and a special envelope that had Dr.'s prescription orders for tests he wanted. I need a mammogram, and an upper GI. I scheduled those the minute I got out of the office lol. Mammogram tomorrow, UpperGI Saturday. There was also a note saying that on April 1st I had an abnormal ekg and she needs to talk to me after the class. For some people that have heard of these places, Dr. Stanish and Healthy4life used to be out of Methodist Hospital. They recently transferred to St. Mary/Community and they are now working out their Center's of Excellence all over again. They were Centers of Excellence but they moved their program to a new hospital so they had to start all over. Though Dr. Stanish has been a surgeon over 13 years, and has done well over 1200 of these surgeries at Methodist, they are now at about 80-100 at St. Mary's and last week they did their second at Community Hospital. I will be their third done at Community Hospital. To become Centers of Excellence Bariatric Clinic like they were at Methodist, they need 125 at each hospital. Unfortunately, on April 1st I woke up and my chest was in pain. Every single breath hurt. I exercised anyhow, and finally realized it wasn't going away on its own, my husband said time to go to the hospital so I hurried and made a meatloaf for the family, took a shower and went to the ER. I was given an EKG, Chest Xray and a CT-Scan. They admitted me for observation. I was visited by my Internist the next morning, and he said that a cardiologist would be and I may end up getting an ultrasound of the heart or another ekg and I will probably be released. One of my Cardiologists' partners showed up and said I was having a complication from Lupus and I had pleurisy and sent me home without an ekg or ultrasound. Nothing was said to me regarding an abnormal ekg, which was taken while I was sitting in the triage. It was probably a lead that wasn't placed right. So, after the two hour meeting today, the nurse contacted my cardiologist, who left for the day but spoke with his nurse to see if he will sign another release or what I am suppose to do. I followed up the call and I pray my doctor just says yes and faxes a release, otherwise this will throw everything off track. My next appt. with cardiologist is July 15th, and I would have to try to get in before next Thursday, which is the day I meet with the surgeon to be given my surgery date. I should hear back tomorrow from the nurse from my surgeons tomorrow and I'll follow-up with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon! No approval, no surgery. Keeping my finger's crossed. Back to the meeting: She said to quit caffeine now and from here on out, nothing to drink with sugar in it, including Zero Calorie Vitamin Water because it has 3-7 gm of carbs per serving. She gave us a bottle of ISOPure (grape) and truthfully it was quite terrible to me. I don't drink pop, crystal light or anything like it but this was pretty nasty to me. I guess it's going to be my new best friend for two weeks after surgery though. Ugh. I was told the day of surgery (even if it's at 6:30am) I will be allowed nothing by mouth, not even water, even that night until the next day when we will do our barium swallow. I've had surgeries, and I can tell you right now, this is going to be my biggest challenge. I'll want ice chips after surgery, I always have and this will be tough. I received my choice of 42 shakes, puddings, etc. today that will be used for the two week pre-op diet. They use New Direction I grabbed two variety packs to try the cream of chicken soup and different flavored and I decided to stick with chocolate and strawberry for the rest of them. I asked her about unjury chicken broth and she said she had some samples and she gave me the chicken broth to try now, in case I would like to use it during the clear liquid two week after surgery phase. She told us she recommends Optisource (you can purchase from Walgreens) it has all the vitamins and minerals you need and they are chewable vitamins. Must take 4 a day. She explained that the day of surgery we will receive a shot in the tummy and every day while we are there we will get this shot. It's to prevent blood clots. We'll get the IV and then while in surgery we'll get the catheter. She informed me that we'll remain in the hospital 3 nights 4 days as long as there are no complications. We'll be up walking that first day, several times, I'll have a morphine pump and we'll be given not sure if she said Torodal or Tramadol, unfortunately I didn't write it down. She said the next day will be clear liquids. Clear liquids will be two weeks worth. I will have a drain which will remain for at least a week. We will have compression stockings that blow up on their own every time we are in bed and not walking, we will be given antibiotics before and after surgery and we'll be using our spirometer 10 times an hour. Next Wed May 9th. is my second two-hour pre-op meeting and we'll be going over recipes for each stage. She will give us a spirometer and show us how to use it. She will teach us how to deal with the drain we will be going home with and how to clean out the drain. (ugh) As long as I get my cardiologist note clearing me for surgery, I have a meeting with Dr. Paul Stanish on Thursday 10th and we will schedule the surgery. He will tell me when to start my pre-op shakes and i will make an appointment for one week before surgery to meet with a nurse. I'll bring in my prescriptions and they will determine which ones I can take, which ones I need to stop and which ones I will need a new prescription because the size of the pills are too big. After surgery we will be given a one ounce cup and will have to write down each time we have an ounce of liquid, take oral medication, etc. My one week appointment with the surgeon, they will remove the drain. I haven't read anyone here talk about getting a drain, so it gave me the willies, never had one before. However, the good news is I'm less apprehensive about leaks because the drain will be a clue if there is a leak or not for the first week. It seems like this has been a roller coaster of things to do, emotions, worrying whether or not my previous adhesion issues will cause me to be declined, whether or not the Lupus will be an issue, whether or not the pleurisy was going to cause an issue, whether or not insurance will not approve me, it's been a lot of ups and downs. I've lost 60 lbs. on my own, major plus. Getting closer by the day though, and can't wait to be on the other side safely.

Day 10 post-op. Today was much better. Yogurt, applesauce, soup, and liquids. I'm getting used to the smaller amount of food...I don't mean my stomach, I mean my brain is getting used to it. I keep forgetting to report the best part...no more heart-burn (could be the band or the hernia repair...don't care) and my knees are feeling better...just by dropping 10 pounds! I had the energy to babysit tonight and to wash my kitchen floor. Yay!

I have no idea why I think I can keep doing this to my body. Three weeks ago I had most of my stomach taken out and then today I had two teeth pulled (one on the left and one on the right). To be honest, I think the teeth pulling was worse than the sleeve. At least I got good drugs with the sleeve surgery. Also, I had better doctors who were nice and caring. This doctor was fast and rough and I only like that every once in a while (wink) but not in a doctor's office with a man I don't know. I figure if you voluntarily go into a place where people actually hold you down while another person does soemthing to you, you probably aren't going to enjoy it very much and if you do enjoy it, it's probably not something we should be talking about on here. Needless to say, my mouth hurts and both sides are swollen. The cold liquids feel good but the idea of trying to eat any type of pureed food right now isn't sounding to good. So, because I am not feeling very comical today I wanted to take this time to thank you all for reading my blog. When I started this, I figured no one would really read it but it would give me an out to vent and talk about going through this in a funny way. It was therapy in a way. We all know that if our family members haven't been through it, they really don't understand what we're going through. That's not to say they don't try, but unless you go through it all, you can't understand the ups and downs of our emotions and our scales. That is if you even have a scale. I'm still a little ticked my husband hid mine from me. LOL So, thank you. Thank you all for taking the time and reading my crazy rants. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you to all the people who leave me comments. I really look forward to reading what you have to say and I love knowing that I can make your day a little better with my words. As long as I can make someone laugh, then I've done my job. So, I will keep writing if you keep reading. Let me know if there is anything that bothers you while going through this and maybe I can write about going through the same thing. Now with all that mushy stuff out of the way, I am going to go ice my face and hope that my body doesn't start turning against me. I have promised it that I won't take anything else out of it (that I know of). Hopefully that promise will keep it working for a little bit longer. But for now, I need to give it what it wants...REST!!! Tomorrow I promise to write something a little more comical and sleeve based....if my body lets me, who knows, my fingers may go on strike because of the teeth. I'll have to wait and see.

Again!

Our church has a Food Bank that is open once a month. As the Director of the Food Bank, it's my responsibility to ensure there is enough food to provide several day's worth of meals for those who come in. Normally, we are able to receive food from a non-profit organization that provides about 50% of our food for free, however, this month, they were booked solid and were not able to assist. So i spent all day yesterday out shopping for food, and putting it in the Food Bank. Thankfully, I had a friend who went with me to help. What i wasn't really paying attention to was how very little I ate, and also how many pounds of food that I handled. Putting food in the cart, placing it on the check-out belt, then sacking it, then taking it to the truck, then taking it out of the truck, and then carrying into the Food Bank, then placing it on the shelves. It is such a tremendous blessing to be able to be involved in this ministry, that I just wasn't really paying a lot of attention to what I was doing physically, as well as the amount of food I was consuming. For my food yesterday, my intake was a cup of coffee, a slim-fast shake, a few bites of refried beans, a few bites of chicken fajita meat, and that was it!! I don't know why I didn't think more abut eating. I just wasn't hungry, and I was having such a great time being able to purchase food for those in need, that I just didn't THINK! So when I got up this morning, I felt really bad. No energy, sore and achy. I decided to step on the scale, and I had lost 1.2lbs since yesterday! I don't think it's a good idea to lose that much in one day - and I would strongly recommend that no one else do it. I can tell you that it sure as heck doesn't feel good. Even though today is my 4 week "Surgiversary", I have learned that I'm not as far along the healing journey as I thought I was. I am not invincible (although some days I feel it), and that I need to pay closer attention to what I'm doing, and what I'm eating. Lesson Learned!