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So I had a few minutes to spare and found myself rehashing all the "what if's" of wls. It almost feels like my health and happiness are hinged on this. I guess in a way it is. In my immediate family there is a history of CAD, DM, CVA's, Colon CA, etc. So the reality of it is if I don't lose the weight, the aforementioned is what I have in my future. Not acceptable. I've lost weight a hundred times over only to gain it right back. I don't eat unhealthy foods, I just eat too much. I exercise about 3x's per week, I drink water, limit my intake of sodas and I've never smoked a cigarette. I'm 5'2 and about 206lbs today. My belly is about to burst out of my size 14 jeans that are too small, but I continue to wear them anyway (denial). I am sick of painful joints, back pain, being winded with activity, avoiding social events, sleeping all weekend, urinary incontinence and all the other stuff that goes with being fat. So I was desperate... I am refinancing my first home (2yrs into mortgage) in order to pay for this. My employer has an obesity exclusion on our insurance at work... I expect they'll remove that exclusion as the company grows, but for now I'm on my own. I could make a list a mile long of "what if's" as to why NOT to have surgery, but instead I choose to focus on the "what if's" as to why it's so crucial for me to have surgery. What if I have a heart attack? What if I am dx'd with Diabetes? What if I have a stroke? What if I get cancer? Who'll take care of my son, my mother, my niece, my employees, etc. Who will fight for what's right for the patients I take care of? Who will grow old with my BFF? The thought of all those haunting questions are much scarier to me than the "what if's" that go with surgery. When my daddy went in to have an abdominal aneurysm removed he told a friend of his he'd die without the surgery. His buddy asked him "but what if you die from the surgery?" My daddy (always full of advice) simply told him he at least had to try.... and try he did. I do have some concerns about undergoing major surgery in order to lose weight. It terrifies me. Change is terrifying, but oh so necessary. So why should I have surgery? Physically - I want to be able to go for a walk or run, I want to not have huge "cankles" at the end of the day, I want to not be out of breath coming back from the mailbox, I want to be free of arthritic pain in my hips, I want to put on clothes without a struggle. Emotionally - I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror, I want to get off the vicious cycle of weight gain & depression, I want the inner me to like the outter me. Spiritually - I have no excuse for not going to church, except that I feel so ashamed of the weight I've put on. I know they aren't staring at me, but that is exactly how it feels. I want to be able to go to the altar and worship once again... Financially - I love my job, but since I've put on the weight I've stopped scheduling speaking engagements (something I LOVE), calling on new accounts, visiting old accounts, speaking at meetings, etc. It's almost like I've given up on me. So the more of all that stuff I do, the more money I can make Socially - I have no social life anymore. I hate going to anything where there is a crowd of people. I avoid it all costs. My clothes are too small, I feel horrible and I just wind up miserable. I have the most amazing boyfriend who LOVES to get out and socialize and yet he's stuck with me... at home... every weekend. So there ya go... I don't feel like I really have a choice. It's either another yo-yo round of dieting with impending disappointment from the scales or a true lifestyle change... I'm 40yrs old and I have so much living and loving left to do. This is for a better me so I can be a better mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend, boss and hopefully encourage others to do the same. Here's to the living, loving and laughing that is yet to come!

So, I haven't posted in a while. I am crazy busy with Nursing school, and would normally blame it on that. ( I really should be studying right now) But I think I need to look deeper inside to the truth. I had nothing to report. I was BUMMED. I was at a stand still for a month or so. I lost 40 pounds in first two months then nothing for almost 2 more. Hovering at 212 forever. I had my 3rd fill a few weeks ago again and it has start to come off again, Slowly, but still going downward. I'm at 203 now, teasingly close to under 200, for the last week or two. So I was a bit down that nothing was happening. I want to be under 200 so bad. I am so stressed with school and kids and life. I was stressing over not lossing more recently. Stressing over the scale, I not suppose to get on everyday, and really not suppose get on every few hours, just to check...the numbers were not being nice to me. Then I got some great news today. New numbers that were dropping... So this morning, I had a doctors appointment, I only wrote my doctor's name in my calander so when i showed up for my annual physical with my 8 year old in tow, after we just had breakfast, they were surprised, but saw me anyway, just need to go back for blood work now. I thought it was an appointment for my blood pressure screening for my hypertension-I been going every few months to recheck see if more medication was needed or if it was still working ok at controlling my Blood Pressure. I started on Blood pressure meds only this past fall. Prior to this my blood pressure was alway low. My blood pressue shot up the day after my 41st birthday. : 164/94. I was really scared. I had chest pain and could feel my heart beating out of my chest- ended up in ER and they kept me over night.- no heart attack- just the starft of hypertension. After a lot of tests they put me on blood pressure mediacitons to lower my BP to a normal level. So when My doctor started me on meds, in september I was 256 pounds and had a average BP of 150/85. I was all ready in the process of getting my preop stuff for my lapband surgery completed. I was scared, I waited too long to get a hold of my weight and I wasn't going to be around for my kids whe they got older if I kept on this heavy path. Today I saw my primary care doctor for the first time since my surgery. He was very excited over how well I was doing, my BP was 124/70, my EKG was normal, my weight was 53 pounds lighter. SInce I didn't know I was having a full physical today I ate breakfast, so I going back in a few weeks to recheck my BP after being off medications, and do my blood panel. I am so excited to be off my Blood Pressure medication. So remember, just because the scale is not moving in the right direction all the time, doesn't mean you not getting healthier everyday. Let look at our non scale victories: I was banded the Dec 16 2011. In four mouths I have gone down 53 pounds, am now free of BP medications, my four year old can get on my back for piggyback ride and his little legs fit around to front, I wearing a size 14 not a size 22 anymore, ( I actually got a pair of 12's on, they were on and zipped but it really wasn't pretty.- I bought them of course- they with fit better soon enough!), and my feet got smaller, had to go down a size. who knew my feet were fat too? I can shop at victoria secrets now. So celebrate they little things in your life that are really HUGE. STOP getting so upset if we stall in our scale numbers, it happens to everyone. Usually at about 3 -4 months from what I have notices and been told from others who gone throught it all ready. It normal. Your body is going through some big changes and sometime needs to take a break and caught up on the inside to how your looking on the outisde, and vice versa, before it starts lossing again. So don't stress. These non scale successes are what it all about!!!! ( You of course know I will so be posting when I get under 200, however long it takes-still a big milestone for me) What non scale victory do you have to share? Here's my other new one...my husband's can't accidently put on my jeans...too small now, His are too big for me.

Ask anyone, I am not a numbers person. Math and science were not my strong points in school. Heck, I am not even sure they were a weak point with me. They seemed to be more nonexistent than anything. In high school, I fought to get a D in Chemistry and Geometry. I was good at Algebra, but most any other math based classes were able to strike fear in my heart with out even trying. My father never understood this as he was a math person. he could do almost any math problem in his head and within seconds. This only made my fear of math that much bigger. How could he make it so easy? Was I just an idiot who didn't get it? Would I ever get it? Did my IQ test lie? I must have scored much lower than the numbers said. Why else would I not be able to do what others considered simple math. Then, when I was 26 years old, my now husband brought all those insecurities back on our first date. We were playing Trivia Pursuit and he got a geometry questions. I knew there was no way he would get the pie. I was feeling really good about my standing n the game when he asked for a pen and paper. "WHAT? You have got to be kidding me!!" He then rattled off the theory he needed to use and then proceed to plug int he numbers and draw designs I hadn't seen since high school. Needless to say, he got the answer right and won the pie piece. Right then, all my doubts came flooding back. Then jokingly I asked if he was some kind of a genus. He didn't want to answer but once pressed, he told me his IQ was 165. I just shook my head. How did I end up on a date with my father? Now, I am not telling you this story in an attempt to say, "Look how smart my husband is!!!!! He's so cool. He can do math problems in his head." No, that is not my reason at all. I am telling you this in a feeble attempt to get you to understand that math and i have have a "hate, hate" relationship most of my life. With that said, I know I am still able to do simple math. But, after this surgery I am not sure if that statement is true anymore. I joined Myfitnesspal.com yesterday. I logged in everything I ate and all the workouts I did. Every time I walked, I log it in with the amount of calories I burned. Now, it takes 3200 calories to make a pound. Which implies that if I burn more calories than I take in and it adds up to 3200 calories, I would lose a pound of fat. That to me makes sense. Well according to Myfitnespal.com, I burn/don't take in 1518 calories a day and have been doing this for the past eight days. I know this as I eat the same thing every day and work out around the same amount. With that being said, I should have lost a pound every other day (approximately) give or take a pound here and there. Now, if my math is right....and I will be the first to say that it may not be....I should have lost between 4-6 pounds in the last eight days. How may have I lost? NONE. ZIP. Absolutely nothing. Now, I keep telling myself that I've been walking a lot, and I am sure I building muscle. But even knowing that, I think, doesn't muscle help burn more fat? So I am stuck back to the question, "Why isn't math working?" Is it because I am doing the math? Remember, math doesn't like me. So this could be it's attempt to get back at me after all the years I called it stupid. Maybe I hurt it's feelings and now it's out for revenge. I've even thought that maybe there are little math gremlins that stand on the scale with me (that I can't see over my belly) to make it does not change numbers. All I know is I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I know not to expect miracles. However, I did expect to lose weight once a week. I didn't care if it was a little or a lot. Even though I've read so many people say that there are times the scale just doesn't move, it still bothers me. When I run the numbers, it seems like I should have some downward movement. but I don't. Don't worry, I am not going to stop doing what I am doing. I will continue to follow my program and get in my protein and my liquids. Maybe I should give the math question to my father and husband and see what they come up with. Lord knows they are much better at the numbers thing than I am. I will say this. If I don't see some movement (downward) in my scale soon....I am going to on math hunt. I promise that I will hunt down all those little gremlins and make them regret all the times they messed with me. Don't they know I'm sensitive right now? This is not the time for jokes when it comes to my weigh in. You will pay gremlins...you hear me? You will pay!!!

After a very uncomfortable night's sleep last night and a stiff morning, I'm feeling much better now. My referred pain in my shoulder is being managed by heat wraps and my tummy incision wounds aren't that bad right now. I am taking soluble panadol in water and it's so strange having to sip on that. I used to chug water into me like I was on a mission and now I'm having to slow it down so much. I'm so hopeful and yet a little apprehensive too that I'll be noticed... I know people will start to see the weight loss and wonder what I'm doing but you know what actually now that I've typed that, I don't care... I'm so excited!! My wonderful friend just dropped by with some panadol for me and she's as excited as me, complimenting my flat tummy (flat in comparison to 2 weeks ago- its still huge! But you gotta love her enthusiasm) I'm having a bed day, I'm up and about in between but instead if sitting at the table or on the couch I'm propped up in bed. I can't go outside the weather is miserable (an Irish reality) and my place of work is too close to home to be seen until I get back to work next week. I've been told not to push it til after the weekend anyway which makes sense to me, keyhole or not, it's still surgery, a truma to the body that needs to be acknowledged and looked after. I keep looking forward to the end of the summer and wondering what I'll look like, how I'll feel.... Will I still have the same crush I have right now? Will I be able to act it out with increased confidence and self belief? I find it funny that I'll be the same me but that people will get to see me at last... Food for thought.... I took 15 minutes to eat my ready brek this morning and it was freezing half way. I slowly drank a glass of juice and I mean very slowly compared to before and I still think I'm not being slow enough. Instead of shovelling it all in, I'm being forced to reassess my habits and take my time... Which is so not my usual style, I'm like a whirlwind in so many ways, especially in relation to my eating. I think this is gong to be enlightening in more ways than one. Maybe I'll slow everything down and become a calmer eater and person in general. It's funny to listen to water slowly gurgling down or to feel a very slight back up when taking a drink... My band is going to kick in where will power won't, i will be forced to break my bad habits by being physically unable to shovel in bad food. This is FANTASTIC!!!! I am seriously going to try to focus on the positive. It doesn't matter what everyone around me does, this is time for me to focus on me. I still can't believe it's done, I can't believe I have a band inside me. I'm finally going to do it! I'm going to lose this weight that has shackled me for nearly my whole life. I'm so thankful. I wish everyone on the same journey the BEST of luck. We CAN do this!

Today they submitted my things to the insurance company. I am so nerves and excited all at the same time. I started this process back on Jan 7 2012 and I have completed my psych eval and pre op diet/ nutritionist visits for 3 months. Those were the only things I had to do. I have stopped drinking coffee, teas, and sodas. I quit smoking in Dec of 2011 and I really don’t drink too often and when I do it is only one small glass of wine. I have been trying to eat good foods and not eating too many fatty foods or sugary foods. So from today I think it will be about one month till surgery. Wow time will fly I am sure.

I knew this month was going to be bad and I was right. I gained 1.4lbs and 1.5 inches for the month. I can't let this get me down I just need to get on it and stay on top of things. But this does show me that making bad food choices and no exercise will result in a bad month or week. I think I will write a letter to the hospital about changing the food in the vending machines so there are better and healthier choices. 5 days of that didn't help me at all. I am so thankful Tia (sis) is doing good and home again. She still has to have her wound packed and taped but at least that can be done here at home. I had a doctor appointment and they have me so freaked out about going to the gym by myself, they are so worried that I will have another heart attack or stroke it is just driving me crazy. So I did some research on my health conditions and found that what they are saying is more serious then I thought. The chances of either of those happening is about 80 to 100% possible if I do to much of anything. So for now I will just be more careful and pay attention to the heart rates of the machines so that I don't over do, there is 1 good thing, they do have emergency buttons to wear at the gym when I'm alone.which is a good thing. Well time for bed and prayers, tomorrow is another day and the start of a new week. I will do better I don't want to fail. Day by Day Step by Step with Jesus

So I'm here at the hospital in one of their 'hotel-style' rooms. Very comfy. My check-in is at 7am for a 10am surgery and I know that this is right for me. My feet are on the right path and my head is in the right place. I don't know whats going to happen after surgery and what life will be like, but I have faith that everything will work out. I am calm. I am ready. Bring on the scapel, Doc, and let's do this. Tomorrow is the day, thank you to everyone who has been with me so far on this journey and I'll keep ya'll posted. See ya on the flip side! ~Lyra PS: A Note To My Stomach Dear Stomach- We've been together through thick and thin, literally. We've had good times, great times, and "how many tequila shots and burritos did I actually eat" times. Looking back on it, we've had a good run over the last 29 years. Granted, you were always a little bit finicky about lactose, and good at making epically loud grumbly noises that were better suited for the soundtrack of Star Wars (the part where the Death Star exploded, to be exact) but overall our relationship has been just a bit too good. For whatever reason you didn't have any boundaries, and I was a champion at crossing mine. So, in all due respect for services rendered...I want a divorce. Don't worry, though, my dear stomach, part of you will live on inside of me. We will still have a relationship, albeit a much healthier one. Remember the humiliation I felt when I couldn't get on the rides at the state fair? Yeah. I'm not saying it was all you, I definitely had a hand in it, but we're just not good together. You're just too much stomach for me to handle. Please don't look at this 'divorce' as a forever goodbye. We will still enjoy food, just in smaller and much healthier amounts. Overall my happiness and future will be brighter because of this decision. Together we will strive for a better future. Together we will succeed, and together we will ROCK OUR SLEEVE! So, goodbye dear stomach. In the morning we will go to sleep and when I awake I will no longer have a demanding and lazy stomach. Instead The Sheriff will be born, and a new sheriff will indeed be in town. With love for the last 29 years of overly dedicated service, and with hope and faith for the future- ~Lyra