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So I had a few minutes to spare and found myself rehashing all the "what if's" of wls. It almost feels like my health and happiness are hinged on this. I guess in a way it is. In my immediate family there is a history of CAD, DM, CVA's, Colon CA, etc. So the reality of it is if I don't lose the weight, the aforementioned is what I have in my future. Not acceptable. I've lost weight a hundred times over only to gain it right back. I don't eat unhealthy foods, I just eat too much. I exercise about 3x's per week, I drink water, limit my intake of sodas and I've never smoked a cigarette. I'm 5'2 and about 206lbs today. My belly is about to burst out of my size 14 jeans that are too small, but I continue to wear them anyway (denial). I am sick of painful joints, back pain, being winded with activity, avoiding social events, sleeping all weekend, urinary incontinence and all the other stuff that goes with being fat. So I was desperate... I am refinancing my first home (2yrs into mortgage) in order to pay for this. My employer has an obesity exclusion on our insurance at work... I expect they'll remove that exclusion as the company grows, but for now I'm on my own. I could make a list a mile long of "what if's" as to why NOT to have surgery, but instead I choose to focus on the "what if's" as to why it's so crucial for me to have surgery. What if I have a heart attack? What if I am dx'd with Diabetes? What if I have a stroke? What if I get cancer? Who'll take care of my son, my mother, my niece, my employees, etc. Who will fight for what's right for the patients I take care of? Who will grow old with my BFF? The thought of all those haunting questions are much scarier to me than the "what if's" that go with surgery. When my daddy went in to have an abdominal aneurysm removed he told a friend of his he'd die without the surgery. His buddy asked him "but what if you die from the surgery?" My daddy (always full of advice) simply told him he at least had to try.... and try he did. I do have some concerns about undergoing major surgery in order to lose weight. It terrifies me. Change is terrifying, but oh so necessary. So why should I have surgery? Physically - I want to be able to go for a walk or run, I want to not have huge "cankles" at the end of the day, I want to not be out of breath coming back from the mailbox, I want to be free of arthritic pain in my hips, I want to put on clothes without a struggle. Emotionally - I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror, I want to get off the vicious cycle of weight gain & depression, I want the inner me to like the outter me. Spiritually - I have no excuse for not going to church, except that I feel so ashamed of the weight I've put on. I know they aren't staring at me, but that is exactly how it feels. I want to be able to go to the altar and worship once again... Financially - I love my job, but since I've put on the weight I've stopped scheduling speaking engagements (something I LOVE), calling on new accounts, visiting old accounts, speaking at meetings, etc. It's almost like I've given up on me. So the more of all that stuff I do, the more money I can make Socially - I have no social life anymore. I hate going to anything where there is a crowd of people. I avoid it all costs. My clothes are too small, I feel horrible and I just wind up miserable. I have the most amazing boyfriend who LOVES to get out and socialize and yet he's stuck with me... at home... every weekend. So there ya go... I don't feel like I really have a choice. It's either another yo-yo round of dieting with impending disappointment from the scales or a true lifestyle change... I'm 40yrs old and I have so much living and loving left to do. This is for a better me so I can be a better mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend, girlfriend, boss and hopefully encourage others to do the same. Here's to the living, loving and laughing that is yet to come!

So, I haven't posted in a while. I am crazy busy with Nursing school, and would normally blame it on that. ( I really should be studying right now) But I think I need to look deeper inside to the truth. I had nothing to report. I was BUMMED. I was at a stand still for a month or so. I lost 40 pounds in first two months then nothing for almost 2 more. Hovering at 212 forever. I had my 3rd fill a few weeks ago again and it has start to come off again, Slowly, but still going downward. I'm at 203 now, teasingly close to under 200, for the last week or two. So I was a bit down that nothing was happening. I want to be under 200 so bad. I am so stressed with school and kids and life. I was stressing over not lossing more recently. Stressing over the scale, I not suppose to get on everyday, and really not suppose get on every few hours, just to check...the numbers were not being nice to me. Then I got some great news today. New numbers that were dropping... So this morning, I had a doctors appointment, I only wrote my doctor's name in my calander so when i showed up for my annual physical with my 8 year old in tow, after we just had breakfast, they were surprised, but saw me anyway, just need to go back for blood work now. I thought it was an appointment for my blood pressure screening for my hypertension-I been going every few months to recheck see if more medication was needed or if it was still working ok at controlling my Blood Pressure. I started on Blood pressure meds only this past fall. Prior to this my blood pressure was alway low. My blood pressue shot up the day after my 41st birthday. : 164/94. I was really scared. I had chest pain and could feel my heart beating out of my chest- ended up in ER and they kept me over night.- no heart attack- just the starft of hypertension. After a lot of tests they put me on blood pressure mediacitons to lower my BP to a normal level. So when My doctor started me on meds, in september I was 256 pounds and had a average BP of 150/85. I was all ready in the process of getting my preop stuff for my lapband surgery completed. I was scared, I waited too long to get a hold of my weight and I wasn't going to be around for my kids whe they got older if I kept on this heavy path. Today I saw my primary care doctor for the first time since my surgery. He was very excited over how well I was doing, my BP was 124/70, my EKG was normal, my weight was 53 pounds lighter. SInce I didn't know I was having a full physical today I ate breakfast, so I going back in a few weeks to recheck my BP after being off medications, and do my blood panel. I am so excited to be off my Blood Pressure medication. So remember, just because the scale is not moving in the right direction all the time, doesn't mean you not getting healthier everyday. Let look at our non scale victories: I was banded the Dec 16 2011. In four mouths I have gone down 53 pounds, am now free of BP medications, my four year old can get on my back for piggyback ride and his little legs fit around to front, I wearing a size 14 not a size 22 anymore, ( I actually got a pair of 12's on, they were on and zipped but it really wasn't pretty.- I bought them of course- they with fit better soon enough!), and my feet got smaller, had to go down a size. who knew my feet were fat too? I can shop at victoria secrets now. So celebrate they little things in your life that are really HUGE. STOP getting so upset if we stall in our scale numbers, it happens to everyone. Usually at about 3 -4 months from what I have notices and been told from others who gone throught it all ready. It normal. Your body is going through some big changes and sometime needs to take a break and caught up on the inside to how your looking on the outisde, and vice versa, before it starts lossing again. So don't stress. These non scale successes are what it all about!!!! ( You of course know I will so be posting when I get under 200, however long it takes-still a big milestone for me) What non scale victory do you have to share? Here's my other new one...my husband's can't accidently put on my jeans...too small now, His are too big for me.

Ask anyone, I am not a numbers person. Math and science were not my strong points in school. Heck, I am not even sure they were a weak point with me. They seemed to be more nonexistent than anything. In high school, I fought to get a D in Chemistry and Geometry. I was good at Algebra, but most any other math based classes were able to strike fear in my heart with out even trying. My father never understood this as he was a math person. he could do almost any math problem in his head and within seconds. This only made my fear of math that much bigger. How could he make it so easy? Was I just an idiot who didn't get it? Would I ever get it? Did my IQ test lie? I must have scored much lower than the numbers said. Why else would I not be able to do what others considered simple math. Then, when I was 26 years old, my now husband brought all those insecurities back on our first date. We were playing Trivia Pursuit and he got a geometry questions. I knew there was no way he would get the pie. I was feeling really good about my standing n the game when he asked for a pen and paper. "WHAT? You have got to be kidding me!!" He then rattled off the theory he needed to use and then proceed to plug int he numbers and draw designs I hadn't seen since high school. Needless to say, he got the answer right and won the pie piece. Right then, all my doubts came flooding back. Then jokingly I asked if he was some kind of a genus. He didn't want to answer but once pressed, he told me his IQ was 165. I just shook my head. How did I end up on a date with my father? Now, I am not telling you this story in an attempt to say, "Look how smart my husband is!!!!! He's so cool. He can do math problems in his head." No, that is not my reason at all. I am telling you this in a feeble attempt to get you to understand that math and i have have a "hate, hate" relationship most of my life. With that said, I know I am still able to do simple math. But, after this surgery I am not sure if that statement is true anymore. I joined Myfitnesspal.com yesterday. I logged in everything I ate and all the workouts I did. Every time I walked, I log it in with the amount of calories I burned. Now, it takes 3200 calories to make a pound. Which implies that if I burn more calories than I take in and it adds up to 3200 calories, I would lose a pound of fat. That to me makes sense. Well according to Myfitnespal.com, I burn/don't take in 1518 calories a day and have been doing this for the past eight days. I know this as I eat the same thing every day and work out around the same amount. With that being said, I should have lost a pound every other day (approximately) give or take a pound here and there. Now, if my math is right....and I will be the first to say that it may not be....I should have lost between 4-6 pounds in the last eight days. How may have I lost? NONE. ZIP. Absolutely nothing. Now, I keep telling myself that I've been walking a lot, and I am sure I building muscle. But even knowing that, I think, doesn't muscle help burn more fat? So I am stuck back to the question, "Why isn't math working?" Is it because I am doing the math? Remember, math doesn't like me. So this could be it's attempt to get back at me after all the years I called it stupid. Maybe I hurt it's feelings and now it's out for revenge. I've even thought that maybe there are little math gremlins that stand on the scale with me (that I can't see over my belly) to make it does not change numbers. All I know is I don't like it. I don't like it one bit. I know not to expect miracles. However, I did expect to lose weight once a week. I didn't care if it was a little or a lot. Even though I've read so many people say that there are times the scale just doesn't move, it still bothers me. When I run the numbers, it seems like I should have some downward movement. but I don't. Don't worry, I am not going to stop doing what I am doing. I will continue to follow my program and get in my protein and my liquids. Maybe I should give the math question to my father and husband and see what they come up with. Lord knows they are much better at the numbers thing than I am. I will say this. If I don't see some movement (downward) in my scale soon....I am going to on math hunt. I promise that I will hunt down all those little gremlins and make them regret all the times they messed with me. Don't they know I'm sensitive right now? This is not the time for jokes when it comes to my weigh in. You will pay gremlins...you hear me? You will pay!!!

After a very uncomfortable night's sleep last night and a stiff morning, I'm feeling much better now. My referred pain in my shoulder is being managed by heat wraps and my tummy incision wounds aren't that bad right now. I am taking soluble panadol in water and it's so strange having to sip on that. I used to chug water into me like I was on a mission and now I'm having to slow it down so much. I'm so hopeful and yet a little apprehensive too that I'll be noticed... I know people will start to see the weight loss and wonder what I'm doing but you know what actually now that I've typed that, I don't care... I'm so excited!! My wonderful friend just dropped by with some panadol for me and she's as excited as me, complimenting my flat tummy (flat in comparison to 2 weeks ago- its still huge! But you gotta love her enthusiasm) I'm having a bed day, I'm up and about in between but instead if sitting at the table or on the couch I'm propped up in bed. I can't go outside the weather is miserable (an Irish reality) and my place of work is too close to home to be seen until I get back to work next week. I've been told not to push it til after the weekend anyway which makes sense to me, keyhole or not, it's still surgery, a truma to the body that needs to be acknowledged and looked after. I keep looking forward to the end of the summer and wondering what I'll look like, how I'll feel.... Will I still have the same crush I have right now? Will I be able to act it out with increased confidence and self belief? I find it funny that I'll be the same me but that people will get to see me at last... Food for thought.... I took 15 minutes to eat my ready brek this morning and it was freezing half way. I slowly drank a glass of juice and I mean very slowly compared to before and I still think I'm not being slow enough. Instead of shovelling it all in, I'm being forced to reassess my habits and take my time... Which is so not my usual style, I'm like a whirlwind in so many ways, especially in relation to my eating. I think this is gong to be enlightening in more ways than one. Maybe I'll slow everything down and become a calmer eater and person in general. It's funny to listen to water slowly gurgling down or to feel a very slight back up when taking a drink... My band is going to kick in where will power won't, i will be forced to break my bad habits by being physically unable to shovel in bad food. This is FANTASTIC!!!! I am seriously going to try to focus on the positive. It doesn't matter what everyone around me does, this is time for me to focus on me. I still can't believe it's done, I can't believe I have a band inside me. I'm finally going to do it! I'm going to lose this weight that has shackled me for nearly my whole life. I'm so thankful. I wish everyone on the same journey the BEST of luck. We CAN do this!

I too, started all of this back in October of last year. Yesterday they sent my paperwork in for approval - Good Luck to both of us! I just wonder how long the process will take before we know something.......

I totally get what your saying. I just recently went under 200. The feeling is amazing:) I'm really excited to hear you are off your blood pressure meds after loosing part of your weight. I was just talking to my husband last night after my weigh in at the Bariatric Clinic. My BP used to be around 160/80's and 90's, sometimes even higher at times. That is one of the main reasons I decided to have this surgery, especially after being admitted a few years back with over 200 BP reading. All I could think was I am too young to die at 40 over something I could learn to control and now as of yesterday I showed 110/72. Hopefully now I can start to get off the two BP pills I take everyday, that would be awesome. Good Luck to you.

It's great that you are taking this decision so seriously. My tipping point was when my husband said he didn't want me to die or end up in a wheelchair because of my weight. He has been my greatest support on this journey and very much a part of my success. I have lost 60kg (about 135lb) in 12 months.

I would try tracking your food again through something like myfitnesspal.com just to see the exact amount of carbs, calories and protein you are consuming. Of course, not following their guidelines for calories & carbs because they are much higher than someone with a sleeve should be eating. I would start with one 100% Whey Protein Shake at least a day, get rid of the chips and popcorn, croutons add more lean protein. Work out routines must be varied. If you are used to walking 30 minutes a night at a certain pace, that because part of the norm. It's not "added exercise". The less you weight the more exertion you need. Besides cardiovascular, try adding weight training, lifting small weights, doing lunges. Muscle weighs more than fat, so it may seem like you are losing slower, but muscle boosts metabolism. Most of all make sure you are consuming your 64 ounces of a water a day. Good luck!

The lap band is the best thing I've ever done. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm happy with my decision. I've been overweight all my adult life and am sorry I waited so long to do this. I was banded 12/30/11 and have lost 40 pounds. Good luck with your decision, it's a big one so take your time. I'd do it all over again.

Maybe during large family meals you can "have plans already set" or have a class at the gym you are taking to get you out of the house and usually when you exercise you have a better outlook and mood. I am sure it is difficult right now to exercise since you have such a limited calorie intake but a pedicure might be nice If I were you, I would never sit in my room sad and alone again. Only you are in control of your feelings. Choose not to be sad and get out and do soemthing different. Later they will see you leaving and exercising while they stuff their faces. As you get skinner and come in after a run while they are all carb loaded, they will start to be the ones taht feel bad. Just thoughts! I am so sorry that you felt that way. SO tough!