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Its been 5 months and 63 pounds ago that I was sleeved. After my first couple of weeks of being sleeved I couldn't see THIS happening, I thought I would never get here. Here for me is just about at goal. I'm currently 189 pounds, and I guess I will settle at 185 just because I think 185 sounds better than 189. When I started this journey I had no idea of what my goal weight was. The experts suggest that someone of my height and age should weigh somewhere around 150; if I went down to 150 i would definitely look like a q-tip. I'm very happy and comfortable where I am now. I am able to fit into a size 10, which blows my mind because I started this journey wearing a size 22. I'm finally accepting my new size. Early on I was having a hard time visualizing myself in this thinner body. I was struggling when I went clothes shopping because all I've known for the past 25 years is plus sized clothing. when I finally realized that I had to shop in the "regular" sized stores, I was so intimidated and unsure of myself (weird right?). I would wear clothing and everyone would rant and rave about how thin I looked and even though I would see myself in the mirror, the change wasn't as significant to me as it was to everyone else. A couple of weeks ago I went to a beauty pageant with a friend of mine and she asked me to wear something short because she wanted to wear a cute short dress that she recently purchased. I agreed. I had to run to a store and purchase a short dress because frankly I've always felt like I was too big for short dresses and didnt have one. I ended up buying a cute black dress with a nude lace overlay that was slightly form fitting and stopped right above my knee. I tried it on and could not believe how great I looked. no girdle, no spanx, just me. I had a tiny belly bulge, but hey, i've got four kids, I'm entitled to it! I wore that dress that evening with my 5 inch pumps and looked like a freakin supermodel (well I felt like one anyway!) My husband, kids, and girlfriend couldn't stop telling me how great I looked, and I was finally able to agree with them. My AHA moment! This surgery has done so much for me. I'm no longer gorging, and even when I have the desire too, I just can't because I'm sleeved. I sometimes get cravings for super sweet junk food that's no good for me, and when I try to indulge, my craving is usually curbed after the first or second bite, because I'm sleeved. My health concerns regarding diabetes and high blood pressure have eased because I'm so much healthier and even going to the gym. All because I'm sleeved! My issues with self esteem and confidence have been taken care of...yes, because of my sleeve. I know that every now and then I will doubt myself, but I promise you it won't be as much as it was before my sleeve. I'm eager to live and try new things - the things I wouldn't do before because I thought I was too fat and didnt want to bring attention to myself. My relationship with my hubby has rekindled as well. We were ok before I was sleeved as he has been nothing but supportive and caring through our 10 years together, but now that I'm more confident, I'm willing to do more and try new things with him (get your minds out of the gutter). I'm more anxious to go out of the house and just see what life has out there to offer. It's a great feeling. I'm over the moon and under 200 lbs!

Wow, I've had a doozie of a week, ya'll! So, granted the 'stranger' was my boss, but I'm never taking juice unless there is an ingredient label with it. Picture this: The plucky (and devastatingly beautiful) protagonist Lyra goes in to work to do battle against the Hoard Of Rampaging Customers Needing Cake Right. This. Minute when her boss offers her some pineapple juice. Plucky and Sassy Lyra loves pineapple juice so drinks a good 8 oz of it. Everything seems to be going well until her stomach starts cramping up and hives start breaking out in her mouth and on her skin. (Okay, enough of the third person). I went to find the juice container and discovered that there was apple juice listed as an ingredient. Did I mention that I'm highly allergic to apples? Luckily I always carry emergency allergy meds with me but it still about kicked my tail! The moral of the story: Never take juice from strangers. Or people you know. Although I did joke with my boss that if she was trying to kill me so she could hire a younger, prettier cake decorator that I was on to her and that it wasn't going to work! Maybe I should hire some hot, European bodyguards while at work...I could declare it as a business expense on my taxes....*wicked smile*

Today I met with my surgeon for my final visit before surgery on April 12th next week. I had him on the hot seat as I grilled and drilled him with 2 handwritten pages full of questions. He answered them all patiently and we laughed and visited more like old friends than doctor and patient...lol He was so kind and and walked me through everything that I should and should not expect on surgery day. My husband got a real kick out of him too. He not only dismissed my initial consultation fee but today he also let me know that he would not be charging me a penny extra to repair the hiatal hernia they found during my endoscopy! I love my surgeon!!!

My weight is fluxuating between 216 and 222 - feels like I'm circling the drain so to speak. Plugging along with Weight Watchers and working out but having a hard time getting my weight to stablize. Considered going in for a fill, but it seems like I'm stuck at least once a day and vomitting at least once a week. Wish I could say it's consistantly due to the same food violations(pizza, bagels, bread - you know, the "No-No's") but it happened the other morning with my scrambled eggs(couldn't even get them down - my dog loved it though) and I had a fun two hour bout in the bathroom the other night over one stalk of steamed asparagus and less than an ounce of grilled chicken. I can actually eat a slice of thin crust pizza with no problem. Don't really eat bread anymore and forget bagels - but when three mini pretzels cause a problem it gets frustrating. Sometimes I'm afraid to go out to eat for fear that I going to have an incident. Frankly, there are many days when I make my breakfast or lunch and it takes 45 minutes to get it down! Oh well - I keep reminding myself that my weight gain was my own damn fault and now I'm paying the price. Speaking of prices paid - with the weight loss has come the giant jelly roll which fortunately with the right spanx-type garment I can mostly conceal, but I gotta wonder how much this thing weighs? Oh so much fun to have to buy pants etc to accomedate the "roll' then have to have the waist taken in! Came home from the gym the other day and notice this sweaty(wet?) semi-circle on the lower abdomen of my yoga pants. Probably TMI, but I'm now getting a permenant red rash and tissue breakdown under the "roll". I'm using baby butt cream and powder in an attempt to keep it dry, but if it's this bad now, what'll it be when(if) I get to my goal weight ...another 75 pounds from now?! Maybe I should just pack the area with paper towel, throw on my gridle and live with it! Amusingly enough, my insurance will cover the surgery since I had WLS - but if I just lost the weight on my own it wouldn't!?! The plastic surgeons I met with re; my breast reconstruction also consulted on my "tummy tuck" - they suggest that I need to be at or near my goal weight before even considering the latter procedure. Course with a roll this big, maybe they could just pull it up and create some faux boobs!

Things I plan to do after surgery: 1) Jet skiing in an actual bathing suit 2) Go to an amusement park and not fear being too fat for the rides 3) SHOPPING 4) Buy knee high boots (the ones without the 'expansion panel') 5) Restart taking martial arts and ballroom dancing. I miss them! 6) Get the tattoo I've been wanting for my 30th birthday- but have it also mean victory over being fat 7) White Water rafting and ziplining 8) Go on dates, Meet men. Have a real relationship. Have Sex. All. Night. Long. 9) Not be scared to flirt with someone because 'how could they be interested in someone like me' 10) Take a glass blowing class. Standing next to the furnace sucks when you come equipped with your own plushy, non-removable insulation! 11)...well, 11 is the hardest one. I've realized while going through this process some uncomfortable home truths about myself. That my attitude has kept me from really connecting with people who haven't known me for years. It was hard telling my friends why I wanted to do this. To open myself up to them in that way. It made me realize that I've used humor to keep my distance from people. To distract them from my weight and my insecurities. Don't get me wrong, I love making people laugh. I like the fact that I can make someone smile and perhaps brighten their day. I've been called quirky, funny, witty, and individual. I'm the one making the crazy puns, singing even though my voice is horrible, dancing just because I can and laughing at the world around me. I adore life and all its myriad craziness. I love causing people to rise above the humdrum of everyday life and to smile when I ask, "Have they done their five minutes of cardiovascular swashbuckling today?" or "What is their philosophical standpoint on foam in their latte?" Why be sad when you can smile? Except somehow the philosophy changed and morphed into something less wholesome. It became my defense and barrier because who looks deeper into someone who is laughing and smiling? Who notices the fat when someone is funny? One of my oldest friends put it best when he said, "You've always laughed, smiled, and dared the world...but there was always this undercurrent of sadness that you rarely let anybody touch." There was this feeling of sadness that I buried so deep inside of myself that I rarely acknowledged it. I wasn't (and am not) depressed or miserable, but sometimes I would feel wistful. Is this how my life would be, slowly slipping by? I had friends, but many of the things I wanted to do were denied to me. Where was the life of love, family, and adventure that I felt sure would be mine when I was in high school or even college? Would I have to let pieces of myself die as I slowly became resigned that this is all there was? Would I let my fear of failure rule over my entire life? One of my biggest fears was always that I would become one of those people whose spark has been beaten down by life. I do not want to become one of the faceless ones who have given up all hope. Life is so beautiful, and I dreaded becoming bitter because I felt trapped. Yet it is hard to open yourself up to the world. Even with our friends, because they have the power to hurt us the most. Our culture eats the weak and it is rare when personal pain is able to touch the hearts of others and bring help instead of humiliation; Understanding and hope, instead of sneering and cruelty. Even with my closest friends sometimes it's easier to make a quip instead of talking about emotions. I also think I learned early that if society would not value me for my looks (and would often be actively cruel about them) then I would be valued for my personality and my mind. That I would not be ignored as insignificant and shoved into a corner. That my brain was not somehow worthless because my body was not a size 6. I would not be ignored! And I'm not. I would not change my quirkiness, but I would like to be someone who can be more open to other people. I would like to know the woman who can be both funny and thoughtful. I would like to know what it feels like to not feel confined by a prison made of flesh. To not feel like I have to smile, smile smile. To actually believe, to the very depths of myself, that I am beautiful and worthy of a life of love and adventure. To be physically able to live that life. To actually know that life is not over, that it's just begun, and that there is an entire world waiting for me. The hope for a better future is a powerful thing. It's gonna be hard, but that's okay. I have a lot of work to do on the inside as well. I am thankful ever day that I heard of this surgery, that I qualify, and that I'm schedule to have it April 25. ~Lyra ps- Dear Site Designers: Once again I had to rewrite my entire post (I am seriously pissed at myself about that) because I clicked Add Entry (I tend to write the title of the post last and the button is right there) and my entire post was deleted. Hitting backpage did nada to retrieve my entry and I think my scream hit the stratosphere. Is there any way that ya'll can add in a line of code that allows you to retrieve your unpublished post (instead of just deleting it) if Add Entry is accidentally hit? Thanks!

In one phone conversation, my feeling of happiness went down the drain. My insurance coordinator just called and told me that my insurance will not approve the sleeve because my BMI is below 50. Why they didn't know that before, I don't know. Surgery is scheduled in 10 days. She said I could make a member appeal...but it's been 6 months already. I just don't know if it's worth it. She said my insurance will cover the band. As of right now, that's the route I'm taking...although I hate it. I'm super scared of the band, but it's either that or nothing. Any ideas will be appreciated. Thanks.