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On thursday last, I went to the doctor to weigh in and get a fill. Last appointment weight was 232. NOW I'M DOWN 5 LBS! (227). Let me say it feels so good to be in the 220's. I haven't been this thin in two whole years! I'm down a total of about 30 lbs in 4 months since my pre-op diet. I no longer look like I'm 6 months pregnant or hiding a watermelon under my shirt. lol. I feel like I can get dressed without feeling like it's a chore to find something to hide my form; that is such a weight off my shoulders (literally). And, I feel like I can look strangers in the eye now instead of praying i'm invisisble to the world. In other news, my doctor decided to only give me .5 cc's as a fill because I am getting stuck on certain things. (This brings me to a total of 3.5 cc's in my 14 cc band. I'm getting stuck on certain things, yet I feel like I am still way in the yellow zone. I don't make a practice of eating too much, but sometimes it doesn't feel like the band is cutting the quantity of food as much as it could be. I know some people on the forums/blogs that get full after a couple of bits, and that's definitely not my personal experience. I think the band helps me to eat less a little, but most of it's me choosing to eat less; either way i'm not getting full until i have a cup of food. I hope my doctor will give me a fill next time too. 3.5 cc's does not seem like a lot of fluid and I think maybe a bigger fill would help with speeding up the weight loss; just a thought. To make all this possible I have been working out like crazy; i spend about 2 hrs at the gym everyday. Now that I'm lighter I can exercise even more than I was before and push myself harder. For me weight loss isn't possible without exercise because I haven't conquered all my bad eating habits yet; i need to burn upwards of 1,000 cal at the gym or I wouldn't make progress. Here's to sticking it out and doing my best everyday! Good luck to everyone else on their journey and "may the odds be ever in your favor" as they say in the Hunger Games.

Every ending is a beginning...endings are hard...change is difficult...so why do we change? I have a tendency to over think things but I can't stop thinking that I'm experiencing a beginning and an ending at the same time. I’m beginning a more sane controlled relationship with food, and I’m ending my relationship to food as my toxic and nourishing best friend. I have my first appointment this Wednesday, April 4. I am scared, excited, happy, and worried. I worry that I will fail to lose weight--I will be the only person who doesn’t lose a pound after having this procedure. I think I am insane for entertaining such a preposterous thought. I want to concentrate on all of the positives about the decision to have the gastric sleeve surgery and I feel horrible for allowing myself to get SO fat in the first place. I’ve told my family and friends who are for the most part supportive but a couple of people wonder why I don’t just lose the weight in the regular way. I have been trying the regular way. I did weight watchers and NutriSystem; I hired a trainer; I counted calories; I even tried to be a Vegan once. I gained and lost and gained. I would not consider doing surgery if I didn’t feel that this step is the only way I’ll be able to sustain a considerable weight loss. I don’t mind losing my best friend now. I’m tired of being ashamed of myself. At the same time, I’m scared that this is too hard for me! I’m going to stop whining (for the night at least) and I’m going to take care of myself in a positive manner. After all, that’s why I’m having the surgery in the first place.

My surgery date is April 6th. I have lost 5lbs on my pre op diet but I have had some slip ups. I am worried about so many things right now. Two biggies are, if I can't handle the pre op diet am I really gonna be ok with this life change and the biggest is.... am I going to make it through surgery ok? It is surgery and things go wrong. I will feel so much better when surgery is over.

So 2 more weeks untill my seminar!! I am so excited i cant stand it... Just want to get all the information that i can get about the band and everything that goes with it:)

Left with Ana to get my teeth whitened about noon. I was super freaked out only because I had a hair dye/cut appointment at 2 p.m. I tried to get an earlier appointment but the earliest I could get was 2 p.m. I was remaining cautiously optimistic until we sat at the dentist office for 30 minutes (I definitely could have used my Kindle at that point). So by the time I got in it was 1:00 p.m. The pressure of getting to the hair appointment minimized the "enjoyment" of getting my teeth whitened. I actually dislike going to the dentist and as I sat there with mouth guard on I spent more time thinking "What the heck am I doing then I did with getting 85% of my stomach cut out!" He spoke no English and I wished I had had the sense of mind to ask Ana to come back with me so that she could explain what he was doing at each stage (not knowing ratcheted up the general dislike of sitting in a dentist chair even more so!). It wasn't the Zoom system but it was something similar with the ultra violet light. The dentist wasn't super happy with the results and I was too stressed about missing my hair appointment to care (other then I had forked over $200). He said that sometimes teeth take a couple of treatments (which I think was his passive aggressive way of saying that I had super dirty teeth????). I am going back today which was nice of him. Basically I had written off the experience as "lesson learned" but I am hopeful after another treatment today it will be more noticeable. On the other hand I really enjoyed getting my hair dyed. I was 30 minutes late (which I HATE being late) and Rocio Ruiz (the stylist) was very nice about it. She had to finish up a client so I was left to my own devices which basically meant looking through hair cutting books and looking through non-English magazines (another moment I could have used my Kindle). I like getting my hair done so there wasn't anything too bad she could have done to my hair. I normally dye my hair from a box so getting it colored professionally was kind of fun. I didn't pick anything insane. She cut off a little more hair then I would have liked but I am pretty laid back when it comes to my hair and I know anything I don't like will grow back (a far cry from my angst ridden teenage years where a bad hair cut equaled a bad mood for several weeks.). I like being out of the hotel for a few hours and felt it was worth it. I spent $80/american on the dye, some protective serum I got talked into, a cut, and a can of hairspray. I gave her a $20 tip and called it even at $100. They take Visa in case anyone was wondering (I tipped cash). The location is within walking distance of the hotel and I walked back safely afterward (exercise!). VISA side note - I called my credit card company to let them know that I was going to be in Mexico for the week so my card would not be declined from the card company fearing theft. I would add that to any "to do" list when coming down to Mexico. The best thing about the salon was the bottled water. The hotel has bottled water but it is in these jumbo bottles that seem so overwhelming to attempt to drink. At the salon I got a cute 8 oz bottle that seemed much more manageable on my stomach. Since I had to wait for the hair dye to set I spent it making a drinking game out of the water. I would take a sip and count to 30 before taking another sip. I would try it with smaller numbers and bigger sips so I felt like I was using my time wisely testing out my stomach and by the time it was all said and done I had drank 8 oz of water (victory!). I got another bottle to go and I am currently working on that. I joined up with another sleever who got to the hotel that day and went and got another popsicle at the Extra store across the street. We did laps around the pool avoiding some wedding photography along the way while we ate the popsicles. So my diet yesterday was 2 popsicles and approximately 12 oz of water/Gatorade. I'm not hungry but I am definitely thoughtful about TRYING to get liquids in. On the subject of Gatorade. I have decided I don't like it. It is WAY too sweet for me. I had a small amount of the orange flavored the day before and I bought a new flavor that I was secretly hoping was tea flavored (which turned out to be apple flavored). In my defense I didn't like Gatorade before the surgery. I think I may need to cut it with some water to make it drinkable for me. I experienced a lot of stomach gurgling last night. To the point it was difficult to find a good position to sleep in. I started wondering if the gurgling was gas and I let a GasX strip dissolve in my mouth (the first GasX strip I had the entire trip so far and it settled my stomach). Sadly I woke up at 3 a.m. with a different kind of stomach pain. I started my period 4 days early! What a giant annoyance!!!! I was hoping the stress of surgery would actually push the start date out further then the 4 days I was anticipating. Sorry for the long post but I am up early and hoping that my ramblings might help others with their planning. Today is Sunday and so far I have packing on the schedule, a revisit to the dentist, and Ana mentioned something about going to an area that has some souvenir shopping. I actually don't need anything but it might be fun to look around. I leave tomorrow (Monday) with the other sleever here at the hotel (who is super nice!).

This is more for the newbies but I thought this video was very good. The speaker is two years out from VSG surgery.

I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. ~Zhuangzi I've always had crazy dreams full of intricate plot, color, surround sound, and sci-fi material but last night was a doozie. Let me explain, I almost always know when I'm dreaming. You see, when I was a little kid I had really, really, really intense dreams (I still do but as an adult they don't bother me) and one day I decided that I was a 'big girl' and didn't need to cry for my mom or dad. So after I would wake up from such techno-color dreams I would mentally envision myself on a white horse (yeah, I was horse crazy) galloping through a meadow with kitties and puppies and whatnot (so trite!). I would slow my breathing and forcibly calm myself down (breathing helps everything, I swear!). I only learned as an adult when I was being taught meditation that I had been doing a version of that all those years. Kinda neat, huh? Anyway, I remember my dreams almost daily so it became an automatic defense until one day I was in the dream and realized that I was dreaming and was able to calm myself down while still asleep. That means that even 'scary' dreams are pretty hilarious when you know that they're not true. Typically I only have the traditional 'nightmares' when I'm either stressed or sick as I think it sort of short-circuits my ability to influence that aspect of my mind. So last night I'm minding my own business all snuggled into my comfy bed and I kept waking up in a full on clammy sweat. It was like I had just run a full marathon at Olympic breaking speeds. Yuck! I don't really remember what I was dreaming (which is odd for me) but I remember a feeling of being confined and powerless. There may also have been a panda bear. (Yeah, it doesn't take a degree to understand that first part!). I think being powerless is my greatest fear so it's not surprising that it would cause my sleeping brain to freak out like that. Dearest sub-brain, I realize that you're obviously nervous about my upcoming future but it'll be okay. Seriously. So, take a chill pill, relax, and let the poor human have some nice, uninterrupted sleep tonight! Otherwise I might go batsh@$t crazy at work and start throwing cakes at customers like I was a monkey at the zoo. Well, except they don't throw cake.