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I had my first fill today at True Results in Houston. I was nervous and really did not know what to expect. I waited almost a hour for my turn, filled out paper work and went to the back with the nurse. She was trying to make me more comfortable by telling me everything she was doing but that did not work She started with a small needle and lots of pushing, which just felt odd. It did not hurt, but it did not feel good either. She determined that she need a longer need to reach my port, so the second time was a charm. She took out the saline that was in the band and measured it. I have a 10CC band and there was already 5CC in it!! She added 1 CC today for a total of 6 in my band. No wonder I have not been hungry!! I sat for about 15 minutes and drank my water and I am feeling good. I am on liquids for today and soft food tomorrow and then back to regular food. I have lost 12 pounds since my surgery and I will see them again next month. I hope it will be another good month for me!! On a side note since I first began the process with them in December I have lost a total of 33 pounds!!

Ok i know that i already posted a blog earlier but i cant help but to remember things that i want to talk about and didn't. Life with lap band isn't perfect and it wasn't meant to be its a tool just like a computer or a calculator is its there for help. It isnt there to just take the fat away while you do nothing its not an easy fix, now the reason i say this is because i can not count the number of time i have been told well isnt that cheating? And this is my answer "NO you dont understand i have a leave of control that wasn't there before. I have this tool to help me to not make bad choices and sometimes i do and then i realize by my own hard hardheadedness that maybe i shouldn't have done that. But again its nothing more then a tool". Then another question i have been ask is Why couldn't you have just done this on your own? This would be my Favorite question. And here is what i usually say " have you ever been on a diet and got stuck at one number and at the end of the day you just felt like it wasn't worth it any more? Well it was like that for me and i would give up or maybe you went on a diet but at the same time wanted a big plate of food and you just said screw it and ate whatever you wanted any ways and then gained weight and the whole thing just didn't seem to work for you? that is why i did it because i need control and i need a way that wont let me cheat and i need to feel like i can do something about the way that i look." Here is what the people who love you and care about you need to understand its all about you with lap band now i dont mean go and forget about others but you have to make your weight loss something that is yours. Something that you can control and something that is for you because if you dont want to do it then you wont. It has to be for you and yes there are other reasons mine was i wanted to go to a water park with my family and wear a swim suit nothing skanky just wear one again. i told my self that if i could get down to the 100s by Christmas we were going to great wolf lodge (its an indoor water park). I know i was banded in September and didnt give my self much time but for Christmas i was at that water park and i was in a swimming suit. Again nothing skanky and i wore shorts and a shirt but the good thing was that i didnt really have to and i damn sure didnt have to wear boys swim trunks and i didnt have to wear about ten undershirts. I was in a women swimming suit and i wasnt scared of well maybe i shouldnt wear this im too fat. i was 210lbs and that to me was so much better then 280. I have done things now that i would have never been able to do before. If i had never have done this for myself and done it for someone else i don't think that i would have stuck with it. I think it would have been like everything else that i had done before to try and get the weight off and yes before it was for someone else and it wasn't ever really for me. Some question will really get to you and might even make you think well should i really have done this? When i had this done i didn't want to let anyone know what i did i was scared that they would think i was cheating and that i had failed. But i realized that not to many people really think that not to many people are really that fast to judge you. However i have found some that are. See when you start to loose a lot of weight people what to know how, how you did it and what you are doing. And again at first these where not easy question to answer i mean how are you supposed to tell people that you have had weight loss surgery. For a while i thought well maybe i have cheated myself maybe i could have done this on my own and i didn't really need the lap band. But the truth was always there i needed some help i needed it and so i posted on Facebook what i did and just sat and waited. I waited to see what people would think of me now that they had the chance to ask me and find out what i had really done. and it turns out most of the feed back that i got wasn't bad it was mostly all good, and then there is the question here it is " was your husband going to leave you because you where so fat?" No my husband loved me for me not for what i looked like i mean he says that i am more fun now but he has always loved me. I get a look sometimes when i tell people that i have had lap band like ummm you did what? and sometimes its a pitty look like oh that poor girl she must have weighted 500lbs. But with time it gets easier to deal with all the questions all the bad look and you end up just smiling and knowing that you did what was right for you. And do be surprised when people act like you didn't know you were fat. LOL this is one of the questions i hate the most. " well what made you decide you were fat?" Im always like wtf! Do you really think that i didnt know i was fat? I looked im a mirror every day of my life. In fact i didnt decide i was fat i decided to get help for myself, because i wasn't doing a very good job on my own. Here is something else that i have learned people treat you different even some of your friends will treat you different. I mean people are nice but sometimes when someone sees you like a cable guy or something they will be nice but that's pretty much it. Example i had a cable guy come to my house to install internet for after my surgery. He was nice answered all my questions and did his job and left. two months ago i had to call them back because of some outside issues and the way i was treated was completely different he had a conversation with me and told me all kinds of things but when i was bigger he wouldn't say more then a few words to me at a time. People in stores treat you different to my husband thought i was joking until i told him to come in a store with me. One that him and i had been in when i was bigger and i had to ask for help and i had to get my own stuff they did very very little. But as soon as i walked in all of a sudden i had three people ask me what they could get for me and what size i needed. My husband has never questioned that again. When your big sometimes its hard for us to take up for our selves sometimes its like well whats the point? And i cant speek for any one else but i was like that for a long time after the surgery i didnt see the difference and i thought well if someone was to call me fat all i could do is cry and go home like i always do. Untill two weeks ago i didnt realize that i did look different that i wasnt really "fat" any more. but i was standing up to people who i would have never stood up to before, i got to a point where i wasn't going to let any one say anything about the way that i looked what my children where eating or anything and for the first time i stood up for my step son and it felt really good to do that for my child. That was another turning point were i thought wow i can do this and i didnt loose it i wasn't told to sit down and shut up and i wasn't called fat. LIfe after lap band isnt always fun and its not easy but i would say its more then worth it. And sometimes its crazy frustrating i mean who doesn't want a big burger from time to time or a big soda or just alot of crap all at once. But when you realize that you have the control and the will not to it all seems worth it. when your daughter comes up to you and throws her arms around you and says WOW MOM i can fit my arms around you like twice, then its all worth it. When you can do things with your husband that before just were not possible then its worth it. When you see a man from your past that put you down and told you, you where ugly and fat and couldn't been seen with you, and he says to you wow your so pretty and you can just sit and smile and tell him thank you or tell him he can go to hell which ever then you know that it was all worth it.

I guess i can start with getting banded right, I guess that is where most start. I was banded on September 2,2011 its a day that you don't forget. I remember feeling scared, nerves, and completely terrified (to say the least). I guess i can also go back to the start of the weight problem right. Well here goes. Believe it or not i wasn't always a big heavy person. I was 165 in high school and it was all muscle but at the time i just thought it was all fat, and being big boned didn't help my way of thinking or my mothers. She saw big boned as an excuse for fat. Even at my skinniest in high school i was 145lbs. Eating at home was a battle, My mom kept a metaphorical lock and key on the fridge and everywhere in the house that there was food and sodas. I was allowed three meals a day and forget about seconds no matter how hungry i was. And sodas where a no no except to my mom and dad. They could have all the sodas they wanted. She didn't really start to come down on me until high school when i started lifting weights and the weight wouldn't stop coming on little did i know it was muscle not fat. She really came down on me hard and so did my dad. I was playing all the sports i could and ran like crazy everyday. She started me on all the diet pills i could handle until i couldn't eat any more. My sophomore year of high school she thought it was best if i drank slim fast for all meals. I was embarrassed to take the can of slim fast to school so in the morning i would drink the nasty drinks and show her that i was taking one for lunch and head out the door. She didn't give me money because that would only mean that i would eat something from the school. So there i was at lunch time and my only choice was to either drink the slim fast and look like an over weight dork or just not eat. So i chose not to eat. At dinner i would drink my slim fast and after everyone was asleep go to the kitchen and sneak a quick snack and hope she wouldn't know that it was gone in the mornings. That was mostly fine during volley ball season because you don't really run to much. And at school there was always someone willing to give me 50 cents for a soda so i didn't really feel very hungry. But basketball was a very different story. I had a game on a Monday night out of town on of the few games my mother had time to come to, I was playing hard and before i knew it i was on my floor in the gym with my coach and everyone around me. I didn't know what had happened i just remember someone was shooting a free throw and i was ready then i woke up on the floor. I was sitting on the bench and my coach asked me what i ate that day looking at my mom i said nothing really. I told her i drank a shake for breakfast and didn't eat lunch. She asked me when the last time i ate was i said i don't remember. Right then she told my mom i could stay for the game but couldn't play until i was eating again. I don't know what else she told my mom that night but i remember my dad telling my mother that it was enough with diets that if i didn't want to stick with them i shouldn't have to if i was going to go and do things like this. I felt like i had let them down i felt the need to deal with it myself. So from that year until my senior year i had eating disorders like not eating or eating till i thought my stomach was about to explode but i didn't eat at home. I would go to my friends house where her mom knew what my mom was doing to me and would fix me all kinds of food. Im not saying what i was doing was right but i didn't know that at the time. When i left for college i found a whole new life where i couldn't be controlled by anyone because i made all my own choices and food was my number one obsession. My boy friend was excited that i was eating and never stopped to let me know that i was gaining weight like crazy. Before i knew it i was about 240lbs the heaviest of my whole life. Other traumatic things had happened but ill save that for another story. I moved back in with my mom and that didnt help only now i could go to a fast food place and eat as much as i could and then come home. by the time that i moved out again i was a big 265 and i found it hard to loose the weight once it started. little did i know i have polytheistic ovarian syndrome and it makes it hard to loose weight. I met the man of my dreams in 2008 we got married in 2009 where i was 275. I wasn't happy about the weight and it would go down and come back i was tired of trying and i didn't care any more i thought well if i cant get past 240 then what is the point. I just didn't care any more. My mom had been on my about weight loss surgery but i didn't think that it was possible and i didn't think that it would work i thought i was a lost cause and i would forever be "The heavy girl". I wouldn't take pictures with my kids or my husband i didn't want to look like a big whale next to small children or a whale next to a man. They are my step kids i don't have any children of my own. I was trying diet pills and all kinds of things but at the end of the day i would just eat and eat and eat. One morning woke up and just hated everything my feet felt like they where going to explode from all the pressure that i was putting on them and my back was killing me. I was at the end of my rope i wanted to be skinny and i wanted my life back. I didn't like they way people would look at me and i didn't like that i felt so ugly. I hated the way that people would look at me when i went out to eat and the way that i felt when i would eat in front of people. I didn't want to go any where or do anything. I hadn't worn a swim suit in six years or more. And my whole wardrobe was basketball shorts, jeans, and XXX L t-shirts. I felt like a cow and i didn't see an end in site. August 2011 my mom came and got me and told me i needed a change and she was willing to help me no matter what the cost. I was offended of course but i wanted to change i wanted to show everyone that i was more then just "The fat girl" i was someone. I agreed to lap band and it all started. I didn't know what to expect i was scared and thought they might tell me i was under weight or to fat to have it done. Or later i would hear them talk about how fat i was. But when i walked in to the office i was greeted real nice like i was a real person (something i didn't expect at all) considering all the times i have walked into a doctors office and had been treated like i looked. I met with the nurses and the doctor and they where so nice and caring. And i decided i had made the right choice. I cried because i was scared every time i met with the doctor to be honest I knew i was going to be cut on and that scared me more then anything. My husband didn't want me to do it because he was just as scared as i was but i did it anyways. The night before the surgery i was so scared i couldn't even sleep. I felt like i was going to summer camp where i didn't know any one. I thought about my doctor telling me that i was going to be beautiful and love the way that i looked and i was going to be happy. It made that day a little easier that and i had lost 20lbs in two weeks that was a boost to. When called to the waiting room i was so scared i couldn't stop crying and i hate crying. They sent many people in there to talk to me to tell me what to expect even a nurse that met me the day before came in to check on me when she didn't even have to. Just to make sure that i was going to be ok. Now i wasn't loud and crazy lol i was just quietly worrying my self to death. they came in and gave me meds to calm me down and man did that i was happy and laughing and making jokes. When i woke up the pain was ok the gas however sucked. i dont remember much of that day or the next to be honest i was moving around and not eating because my tummy wasn't ready for food but i tried. I know that the gas was gone from my stomach and that was much better. Getting rid of the gas from your stomach for me it was like im about to throw up and all that came out with this horrible burp see they don't tell me that you have to learn how to burp again. Any ways I went back to the Dr a week later and lost another ten pounds i was happy and i didn't cry when the doctor said im happy to see your not terrified of me any more i said well your not trying to cut me he just laughed. Since then i have lost a total of 80 something pounds with my ups and downs which i will get to more later, but in the end it is all well worth it. And im so happy that i when through with this. Still six months later.

When I went to my last pre-insurance-approval class (is- Support group) I was told to wait until Tuesday and then call to see if the doctors had all gotten my paperwork to Dr. W. So, dutifully I call and was told that everything was kosher and that it had gone to the insurance lady, Mary, last Friday. So...sitting here, cruising the 'web, eating some pasta, watching about dinosaurs and just chilling. NOT. Okay, so the first few things were true, but I am not calm and collected! I'm about to have absolutely NO nails left. I am, in fact, biting my nails so badly that it looks like I have a nervous tick and the nice men in the white jackets are gonna take me to a padded room. Also, as a side note, I was totally expecting something different from the Support group. I had this weird image that we would all be sitting in a circle on rainbow poofy chairs talking about our feelings, our emotional eating problems, and our mothers. Something very touchy-feely. Not that there is anything wrong with touchy-feelyness, per say, but I would rather remove my own stomach with a dull, plastic spork then talk about such things in front of strangers. Well the rainbow poofy chairs were long tables, metal folding chairs, and a whiteboard. And the only touchy feeling talk going on was about vitamins, minerals and how best not to starve ourselves of vital nutrients. So, I have all these questions whirling through my head. What if the insurance blip I had to take care of a few weeks ago didn't go all the way through the bureaucratic nine levels of hell to be attached to my file? What if the doctor's office didn't properly file my new insurance information in my folder? What if BCBS's computers suddenly become sentient and we all start living some variation of "The Terminator"? Somehow I don't think Dr W would do surgery in some broken down building while hoping to escape from a rabid AI. Okay, so maybe that last one is a touch out there... I know that after the surgery I will be getting rid of clothes like crazy. I thought I was ready to get rid of my favorite shirt that I have had for years. I had even made plans to get said shirt in smaller incarnations. Whenever I wore this shirt I got sooo many compliments and it was the supreme of cool. Yet my Led Zepplin shirt was taken from me before it's time. Not because I have lost so much weight that it was now a tent and merrily off I went to buy another. No. It was insidiously taken from me by my dryer. I pulled it out and somehow small holes had ripped through the shirt. It had gone straight from "I can wear this out in public" through "I can wear this to the gym" to "only in my house. Alone. With the blinds closed." *sigh* Poor Led Zepplin shirt.

the numbers... lets start there because that's what matters here right!!! when i went into surgery i weighed 233# and today i am 221. i have been down on myself for these numbers mostly because it is easy to get into a comparison game with other wls folks and this is absolutely silly. i have lost 12# in a month and this is indeed spectacular! if i continued to lose at this pace i would be at my goal weight in six months! however, i know this may not be a realistic goal as my weight loss has been extremely slow over the past two weeks...according to my surgeon a 1-2# weight loss a week is what is expected with the lapband and any more than that is phenomenal. i have not been as diligent in tracking my measurements which will be key for me because let's face it, we all need some way to measure success, and if the scale is not moving it can quickly become...well, depressing. i picked up some new vocab while perusing this site and found that NSV's are also a cause for celebration! this may seem like a no-brainer, but i have never thought of doing this the past 800 billion other times i have tried to lose weight. so here are a few of my NSV's... doing some type of physical activity---> daily! sticking to allotted food items--->daily! logging my food, mood, and exercise-->daily! testing my blood sugars-->daily! trying to be encouraging and supportive to at least one other person on this journey--->daily fitting into a pair of jeans that are one size smaller! needing to wear a belt with all of my other pants! improving my time and distance when walking outside finding ways to celebrate that do not include alcohol and food my pain... my pain is virtually non-existent and i can pretty much do everything i was doing before surgery. i still have some discomfort and pain in the area of my largest incision at times. i am still not able to sleep/lay on my stomach and i still have some swelling in this area...(anyone else have this 4 weeks out)? also, i seem to have developed a slight headache issue...this happens at least once daily and i am not sure of this is due to my sugars dropping too low, a sign that i'm not drinking enough, or that i'm letting too much time go by between meals...i'm keeping an eye on it. a lump... i have had what feels like a lump in my throat for the past 3-4 days...i'm also trying not to read to much into this as i have had this feeling before pre-band and it has been attributed to anxiety...anxiety! what anxiety?! i have been off work for almost a month, completed school a week ago, have been eating better for almost two months and have been exercising daily for the past month...what gives? being on this forum i have come to understand that this is sign of other things, like being stuck, being too tight, reflux, gas, and on and on...i have not had a fill yet and i am able to get down liquids and foods just fine...i'm going to see my primary care physician this friday who is also banded and i will discuss this with her. burping... ok...so i am finding that burping has become...weird! about half of the time when i burp instead of going out they go in and then i spend the rest of the night expelling this gas from various places or burping outwards all that i burped in several hours later...does this make sense? anyone else experience this? burping outwards is grand! support... my biggest supporter in this journey, my husband, was banded yesterday! i am so happy for him and happy to have him take this journey with me! he has decided to name his band "wife #2"!!! i am thankful for this site and other social media that i use and for all that have commented on anything or reached out in any way! i am on fitbit, mfp, and youtube as phatkatblue please add me if you use any of those outlets...the more support and encouragement the better:) i have also found that getting on these sites encouraging others and reading their stories has been good for me as well... till next week in weight loss and beyond...

The last time I went for a fill was back in April of last year. I was doing great with my weight loss then I started gaining weight all of a sudden and I couldnt figure out why. Then a month later I found out that I was pregnant!! My husband and I have been trying for over 5 years to get pregnant and it just never worked out. After 3 miscarriages we decided to not have any more kids. Then I got pregnant. A blessing in disguise so to speak. I did great during the whole pregnancy, only gained 12 lbs. The band really helped but the pregnancy was a rough one. I had alot of issues during the pregnancy but we were blessed with a healthy beautiful baby girl. We named her Fiona Aveleen. Fiona means Fiery bc with me as a mother she is bound to have my attitude and Aveleen bc it means "Wished for Child." I am so happy to have her but I also feel like im starting back at square one. I didnt think that I would need a fill bc I had one before I got pregnant. I was kidding myself. I do need a fill bc if i can eat all the things that im not suppose to then i definately need a fill. So I called my dr to make an appointment and its for 3/16 at 10 am. Im not looking forward to it bc i know that he is going to get on to me about this being a life commitment and that i need to come in ona more consistent basis but my insurance has changed the copay amount for a fill and its just soo much more than i can trully afford. We will see how it goes.

I feel I've neglected the blog activity since I returned to work. So I am at work, taking a break to blog. I can't believe a month and 5 days has gone by. It took just about as long to get to twoterville, and I was starting to panic when it did not happen as fast as I hoped. Patience is a virtue that I believe was extracted during my VSG. So, I thought I would share my key learnings. 1) Listen to my body. How my mind works and my body works are two different things. My mind (stress triggers) say eat, when my body is not hungry at all. If I listen to how I feel as I eat, I learned that I can avoid feeling any pain or discomfort from eating. 2) Slow & steady is a challenge, but it works. I have really struggled to pace myself and take my time eating. When I do, it is a good experience, when I don't I suffer the consequences. 3) Mood swings and emotional uncertainty is OK. I've woke up crying for no reason. I get overwhelmed easily. I find myself crankier that I used to be some days and happier then I ever was other days. Taking my daily vitamins has helped with the erratic moods. 4) Surrounding myself with support (via this forum) and friends has been instrumental. I find that I can share my success and my failures openly and I'm not judged. 5) Damn these incisions! They are taking for ever to heal! I have a few straglers that just won't heal. I learned that my skin is fragile and that there is alot of stuff that touches your stomach every day, the desk, the table, the kids, it's hard to keep it protected. 6) Exercising is not that easy. In fact, I've slacked. I admit it. I was good the first 2 weeks and since then I've not walked for two weeks - just got the key to the gym near my house and every time my husband asks, "did you walk today" I feel like releasing fire ants on his feet and stabbing them with ice picks. (I'd never do that, but the mere fact that he asks, pisses me off.) I find myself struggling the most with this. I even bought an X box Kinect and Zumba Fitness to play on it. Do I use it. NO. I have done one thing. I park as far from my office chair as possible - I go in the opposite side of the building cross the building take the stairs and then cross the length of the building again to get to my desk. That is the only pro-active exercise thing I've done. Tomorrow is a new day. 7) Weighing my self daily is NOT Necessary, manaing how I feel daily, IS. Eventually, I will get it right - I'm still learning and becoming the me I see through VSG.

“At some point in life you have to face your fears, and head on even though you can’t be sure of the outcome. A great deal of people will never reach their dreams and it won’t have anything to do with their ability or skill set. They won’t reach their dreams because they were too afraid to try.” ~Eric Thomas~

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