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I guess i can start with getting banded right, I guess that is where most start. I was banded on September 2,2011 its a day that you don't forget. I remember feeling scared, nerves, and completely terrified (to say the least). I guess i can also go back to the start of the weight problem right. Well here goes. Believe it or not i wasn't always a big heavy person. I was 165 in high school and it was all muscle but at the time i just thought it was all fat, and being big boned didn't help my way of thinking or my mothers. She saw big boned as an excuse for fat. Even at my skinniest in high school i was 145lbs. Eating at home was a battle, My mom kept a metaphorical lock and key on the fridge and everywhere in the house that there was food and sodas. I was allowed three meals a day and forget about seconds no matter how hungry i was. And sodas where a no no except to my mom and dad. They could have all the sodas they wanted. She didn't really start to come down on me until high school when i started lifting weights and the weight wouldn't stop coming on little did i know it was muscle not fat. She really came down on me hard and so did my dad. I was playing all the sports i could and ran like crazy everyday. She started me on all the diet pills i could handle until i couldn't eat any more. My sophomore year of high school she thought it was best if i drank slim fast for all meals. I was embarrassed to take the can of slim fast to school so in the morning i would drink the nasty drinks and show her that i was taking one for lunch and head out the door. She didn't give me money because that would only mean that i would eat something from the school. So there i was at lunch time and my only choice was to either drink the slim fast and look like an over weight dork or just not eat. So i chose not to eat. At dinner i would drink my slim fast and after everyone was asleep go to the kitchen and sneak a quick snack and hope she wouldn't know that it was gone in the mornings. That was mostly fine during volley ball season because you don't really run to much. And at school there was always someone willing to give me 50 cents for a soda so i didn't really feel very hungry. But basketball was a very different story. I had a game on a Monday night out of town on of the few games my mother had time to come to, I was playing hard and before i knew it i was on my floor in the gym with my coach and everyone around me. I didn't know what had happened i just remember someone was shooting a free throw and i was ready then i woke up on the floor. I was sitting on the bench and my coach asked me what i ate that day looking at my mom i said nothing really. I told her i drank a shake for breakfast and didn't eat lunch. She asked me when the last time i ate was i said i don't remember. Right then she told my mom i could stay for the game but couldn't play until i was eating again. I don't know what else she told my mom that night but i remember my dad telling my mother that it was enough with diets that if i didn't want to stick with them i shouldn't have to if i was going to go and do things like this. I felt like i had let them down i felt the need to deal with it myself. So from that year until my senior year i had eating disorders like not eating or eating till i thought my stomach was about to explode but i didn't eat at home. I would go to my friends house where her mom knew what my mom was doing to me and would fix me all kinds of food. Im not saying what i was doing was right but i didn't know that at the time. When i left for college i found a whole new life where i couldn't be controlled by anyone because i made all my own choices and food was my number one obsession. My boy friend was excited that i was eating and never stopped to let me know that i was gaining weight like crazy. Before i knew it i was about 240lbs the heaviest of my whole life. Other traumatic things had happened but ill save that for another story. I moved back in with my mom and that didnt help only now i could go to a fast food place and eat as much as i could and then come home. by the time that i moved out again i was a big 265 and i found it hard to loose the weight once it started. little did i know i have polytheistic ovarian syndrome and it makes it hard to loose weight. I met the man of my dreams in 2008 we got married in 2009 where i was 275. I wasn't happy about the weight and it would go down and come back i was tired of trying and i didn't care any more i thought well if i cant get past 240 then what is the point. I just didn't care any more. My mom had been on my about weight loss surgery but i didn't think that it was possible and i didn't think that it would work i thought i was a lost cause and i would forever be "The heavy girl". I wouldn't take pictures with my kids or my husband i didn't want to look like a big whale next to small children or a whale next to a man. They are my step kids i don't have any children of my own. I was trying diet pills and all kinds of things but at the end of the day i would just eat and eat and eat. One morning woke up and just hated everything my feet felt like they where going to explode from all the pressure that i was putting on them and my back was killing me. I was at the end of my rope i wanted to be skinny and i wanted my life back. I didn't like they way people would look at me and i didn't like that i felt so ugly. I hated the way that people would look at me when i went out to eat and the way that i felt when i would eat in front of people. I didn't want to go any where or do anything. I hadn't worn a swim suit in six years or more. And my whole wardrobe was basketball shorts, jeans, and XXX L t-shirts. I felt like a cow and i didn't see an end in site. August 2011 my mom came and got me and told me i needed a change and she was willing to help me no matter what the cost. I was offended of course but i wanted to change i wanted to show everyone that i was more then just "The fat girl" i was someone. I agreed to lap band and it all started. I didn't know what to expect i was scared and thought they might tell me i was under weight or to fat to have it done. Or later i would hear them talk about how fat i was. But when i walked in to the office i was greeted real nice like i was a real person (something i didn't expect at all) considering all the times i have walked into a doctors office and had been treated like i looked. I met with the nurses and the doctor and they where so nice and caring. And i decided i had made the right choice. I cried because i was scared every time i met with the doctor to be honest I knew i was going to be cut on and that scared me more then anything. My husband didn't want me to do it because he was just as scared as i was but i did it anyways. The night before the surgery i was so scared i couldn't even sleep. I felt like i was going to summer camp where i didn't know any one. I thought about my doctor telling me that i was going to be beautiful and love the way that i looked and i was going to be happy. It made that day a little easier that and i had lost 20lbs in two weeks that was a boost to. When called to the waiting room i was so scared i couldn't stop crying and i hate crying. They sent many people in there to talk to me to tell me what to expect even a nurse that met me the day before came in to check on me when she didn't even have to. Just to make sure that i was going to be ok. Now i wasn't loud and crazy lol i was just quietly worrying my self to death. they came in and gave me meds to calm me down and man did that i was happy and laughing and making jokes. When i woke up the pain was ok the gas however sucked. i dont remember much of that day or the next to be honest i was moving around and not eating because my tummy wasn't ready for food but i tried. I know that the gas was gone from my stomach and that was much better. Getting rid of the gas from your stomach for me it was like im about to throw up and all that came out with this horrible burp see they don't tell me that you have to learn how to burp again. Any ways I went back to the Dr a week later and lost another ten pounds i was happy and i didn't cry when the doctor said im happy to see your not terrified of me any more i said well your not trying to cut me he just laughed. Since then i have lost a total of 80 something pounds with my ups and downs which i will get to more later, but in the end it is all well worth it. And im so happy that i when through with this. Still six months later.

I remember seeing someone wearing a rubber band around their wrist. I asked them why. They said to remind them of something they needed to do. They said that if they saw it on their wrist they knew there was something they needed to remember. So as crazy as it sounds I'm going to try it! Remind myself what I need to be doing and that's eating better. It might help to put it on the wrist I eat with! lol

This morning I got up and I stood in front of the scale, as I always do....looking down as I stepped onto it, (I believe I stop breathing each time as I wait for the numbers to appear) it said 219!!! I have waited to hit the point where I was in the "teens"!!! I thought there would be a happy dance, but instead I was in awe! I don't think I have come to yet! This is a big step in my journey for my mental part of this. I realize I can do this! What a great feeling! One number less and in overdrive with confidence! Hip Hip Hooray!

Great news! I have some NSV's to share 1. my replacement wedding band no longer fits, but I'm still holding out for the big one, so this will have to do for now 2. My BMI dropped from 42 to 39.5. I'm still Morbidly obese, but hey, at least its coming down! 3. My fasting blood sugar usually runs 100-110. It's been 89! 4. I kinda sorta in a way can see my waist now! Thats always exciting! 5. I have so much more energy!! It's 3 AM and I'm up and ready for the day. Insomnia you say? Maybe, but at least I'm energetic!! I've discovered a strength this week that I didn't know I had. I'm learning patience, perserverance, but most of all I'm learning to step outside of myself. I read Holly's blog (300 pounds gone, check it out, I love her writing) a couple of weeks ago, and she challenged her readers to help themselves by helping others. I may have paraphrased that all wrong, but that is the message I got out of it. Each of us is so caught up in the scale, the NSV's, our pain and suffering, that our focus is internal. I'm working on remembering to pull myself out of my own head and reach out to others. It's been fulfilling to give encouragement without expecting any in return This surgery is not only good for the physical aspect of ourselves, but also the mental and spiritual. Then again, it is what you make it. Have a great week everyone!!

I feel I've neglected the blog activity since I returned to work. So I am at work, taking a break to blog. I can't believe a month and 5 days has gone by. It took just about as long to get to twoterville, and I was starting to panic when it did not happen as fast as I hoped. Patience is a virtue that I believe was extracted during my VSG. So, I thought I would share my key learnings. 1) Listen to my body. How my mind works and my body works are two different things. My mind (stress triggers) say eat, when my body is not hungry at all. If I listen to how I feel as I eat, I learned that I can avoid feeling any pain or discomfort from eating. 2) Slow & steady is a challenge, but it works. I have really struggled to pace myself and take my time eating. When I do, it is a good experience, when I don't I suffer the consequences. 3) Mood swings and emotional uncertainty is OK. I've woke up crying for no reason. I get overwhelmed easily. I find myself crankier that I used to be some days and happier then I ever was other days. Taking my daily vitamins has helped with the erratic moods. 4) Surrounding myself with support (via this forum) and friends has been instrumental. I find that I can share my success and my failures openly and I'm not judged. 5) Damn these incisions! They are taking for ever to heal! I have a few straglers that just won't heal. I learned that my skin is fragile and that there is alot of stuff that touches your stomach every day, the desk, the table, the kids, it's hard to keep it protected. 6) Exercising is not that easy. In fact, I've slacked. I admit it. I was good the first 2 weeks and since then I've not walked for two weeks - just got the key to the gym near my house and every time my husband asks, "did you walk today" I feel like releasing fire ants on his feet and stabbing them with ice picks. (I'd never do that, but the mere fact that he asks, pisses me off.) I find myself struggling the most with this. I even bought an X box Kinect and Zumba Fitness to play on it. Do I use it. NO. I have done one thing. I park as far from my office chair as possible - I go in the opposite side of the building cross the building take the stairs and then cross the length of the building again to get to my desk. That is the only pro-active exercise thing I've done. Tomorrow is a new day. 7) Weighing my self daily is NOT Necessary, manaing how I feel daily, IS. Eventually, I will get it right - I'm still learning and becoming the me I see through VSG.

Just wanted to drop a quick note. I got my unfill last monday and so far so good. it takes me about 4-5 hours before i'm "hungry" and my portions are controlled. needless to say I still am figthing that 1-2 last pounds to get to onederland. however i went shopping yesterday because i needed an outfit in a specific color for a womens conference. well i went into a little cheapy store and asked where the size 12's were since i saw the plus sized section started at size 14. she told me in the junior/misses section. I JUST STOOD THERE FOR WHAT SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNITY. ME GET CLOTHES OUT OF THE JUNIOR.MISSES SECTION. my heart started racing. i know this sounds crazy but i was totally freaked out for a minute. I HAVE NEVER BOUGHT CLOTHES ANYWHERE OTHER THAN THE PLUS SIZE SECTION. so when i bought everything from that side of the store it was soooo weird. i was happy but it was so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that i could. i even bought a tank top in a medium from that side of the store. ok just wanted to share that experience right quick. hope all is well with everyone. s/n from our conference. WHATEVER IT IS...LET IT GO!!! peace and blessings jennifer

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March 12, 2012 "It is our attitude at the beginning of a difficult task which, more than anything else, will affect its successful outcome." ~William James~

Good Morning and Blessed Day Family, Our Spiritual Vitamin for today is: P for PRAYING Mark 11:24 says, Whatsoever "things" you desire, when you pray, if you believe that you receive them, you shall have them. This procedure is a "thing", a wonderful, life saving "thing" that God our Father, has provided through giving the knowledge and technology to man to perform on those who are in the need of some serious help. We must know that His word will not go out full and come back to us empty if we trust and believe. He wants to give His children "good things" that will help our need for an abundance of quality life in the "here and now!" God knows we need good health, even if we are mostly the reason why our health isn't where it should be. He will bless us with good health, so that we can continue to shine for Him in a glorious way in all that we do! The scripture above says we must go to Him in prayer for our need on all "things" and believe that if it is His will, we will receive what we ask. So no matter what "thing" we need, whether it be big or small, please don't hesitate to go to a quiet place, and with a repentive heart, ask your Father and believe without doubt, you will have it blessed upon you. To those of us who are spiritual and striving daily to be more Christlike, pray continually for one another that we may all be successful on our individual journeys. Godspeed to my sleeve family :wub:

Good Morning To All, Our Spiritual Vitamin today is A for: ANXIETY 1 Peter 5:7 says that we are to, "Cast all our anxiety on God because He cares for us." Aniexty: A state of being uneasy, apprehensive, or worried about what may or may not happen. Wow! If you are guilty of this at some time on a daily basis, then raise your "virtual hand!" Anxiety, at its highest point, is like putting your "worry" on steroids! This is not good for your heart, mind, or your spirit. As children of God we need to recognize that worrying is a sin against our heavenly Father because He loves us and only wants the best for His children. Psalms 56:3 says, "when we are afraid, we will put or trust in the Lord." I know often it is easier said than done, but it can be done. We need to humble and quiet down our spirits, and then through our love and respect to God, go to Him in prayer and tell Him about the things that are our concerns, and when we finish, thank Him for listening, leave those "issues" at His feet for good, and push on forward. Those of us who are still waiting to be approved, or are on our pre-op liquids getting ready for our surgery, are finding it hard not to worry. We are anxious if we will even be approved, how the surgery will go, and if there will be any complications. Well, I would like to give this scripture to you all, as well as myself: Romans 8:28 says, "All things work out to the good for those who love God, and are callled according to His purpose!" So let us stop concentrating on "what could happen," and start meditating on "what Gods is making happen!" Say this to yourself everyday, that " I am persuaded as your child Lord, because of your merciful love for me, that you are able and willing to take care of all my concerns, and I tie them up together, giving them to you Lord, and I will not be anxious on those anymore because I know that the one who holds all power, has them in His hands." You will be amazed at how calm you will begin to feel everyday. It really works for me!! I'm being sleeved on March 15, and I'm going with God! FOOD FOR THOUGHT: " LAUGHING TIL' IT HURTS, IS A PAIN WORTH HAVING!" Diamond45