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Many people think that lap-band or gastric bypass are an easy way out of a life of over eating. I was one of those people. I have struggled with my weight since I can remember being told I was fat (around 6 or 7). I have been on hundreds of diets, lost hundreds of pounds and gained every single one back again. I personally know a few people that have had the lap-band procedure done. They lost a large amount of weight in the beginning but they didn't change the food they were eating and ultimately gained the weight back. My surgeon told me that the lap-band is merely a tool to be used in conjunction with diet and exercise. Not a miracle. Science has yet to create a miracle weight loss pill or device although; if you watch the infomercials they have. When someone is at an unhealthy weight (one that could kill you) sometimes a helping hand is exactly what the doctor ordered. Many things factor into why a person would become obese. It's not like we wake up one day and say " I think I'm going to be so fat that I can barely move, or breathe". Our skinny counterparts are very fond of saying "you just need more will power". Well, I am here to tell you will power has very little to do with it. In my case, and many people I know food is an addiction. Mine started when I was very young. Food made it all better when I was being abused. Food never hurt me or talked bad to me. It always made me feel happy. Unfortunately; food also got me to where I am at know. My doctor said I use food as a stress reliever. No DUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, there are times when I totally resent having to be a grown up, especially about things I want but am not getting. Those are the times when I want to throw myself down on the floor and have a kicking, wailing, punching, sobbing fit worthy of a sugar-crashing three-year-old. And I could do it. Trust me. I could rock the #$&% out of that. RIght now, I'd like to give in, but instead, I'm just going to whine and trust that if you don't want to hear it, you all know where to find your "back" buttons. I think I'm going to have to resign myself to being a "slow loser." Sheesh, even the term makes me want to gnash my teeth and curse creatively. Really, I still cling to hope that I'm wrong about this and that at some point, something will click in my stubborn little (I mean that metaphorically) body and the pounds will start to drop off at the rate of several lbs per week, but I have the sick, sad feeling that I shouldn't hold my breath about that. Offically, I weigh myself once per week, every Wednesday night. That's the weight I record on my ticker and in MFP, and in my brain, that's the weight I attach to myself. I am what the scale says I am on Wednesday nights. However, that doesn't stop me from weighing in every day or two just to check myself. Or to obsess about my weight; however you want to look at it. Before I had my first fill, it was wasy to blame my eensy-weensy incremental losses on bandster hell. To even be happy (to a small extent) at not having gained. After my fill last week, though, I'm running out of excuses. I'm not so restricted that I can't eat every food I've tried (haven't tried white bread) including rice, pasta, and chicken breast. But, while I can eat what I want, I find myself filling up on a cup of food or so and staying full for 4-5 hours after a meal. From what I've read, that should mean I'm at least close to an appropriate fill. Doesn't that mean I should start really losing now? I'd like to think so, but in the last 5 days, the scale has gone up 0.4 lbs and now down 0.6 lbs, leaving me only 0.2 lbs below my last week's weight. 0.2 lbs? Seriously? Is that all I can expect to lose in a week? Less than 1 lb? How can I lose less than 1 lb when I'm averaging 1000 calories a day, not eating junk, eating my protein first, and not filling up on hi-calorie, low-nutrient sliders? If I'm following the rules, I want to see results, damn it!!! I deserve it!!! Yes, yes, Logical Me realizes that any loss is a step in the right direction and that the goal is to lose slowly and steadily while maintaining my health and my sanity. Well, my health seems assured, but I can't vouch for my sanity. I mean, seriously. This is going to drive me bonkers. My surgeon will allow me to return for another fill in 2-1/2 weeks, and at the moment I'm planning on doing that because I don't think I can deal with losing less that 1 lb per week. I think that might kill me. Or cause me to kill someone else, and really, prison jumpsuit orange would totally make me look sallow.

So, I'm almost two months out, down 34 pounds. Yeah! Woohoo. Well rewind, really it's only 32lbs because I was down to 282 the other day and I thought, sweeeeet that's almost down to the "seventies"! So what did I do? Well how else does a fat chick celebrate an accomplishment? Eat, right? I tell you what, this has been a challenging journey thus far and holy cannoli I'm only in two months! I don't know how I was physically able to eat a FOOTLONG Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. I have got to get over this hump in my brain to actually listen to my stomach when I'm full. It's as if I feel sorry for the food left on the plate (I know because bread and sweet onion chicken have feelings, right!). Tonight I found myself getting my husband DQ (at his request) and although I didn't choose my normal large, opting for the mini midnight truffle, I was STILL GETTING DQ! On a positive note, I've picked back up on my exercise and have even gotten my step kids into the Just Dance 3! I know there are going to be ups and downs, and ups and downs both numerically on the scale, as well as emotionally in my head. Just thought I would vent my feelings here tonight, because I just needed to. Kind of like going to confessional, it just feels good. Thanks for listening

Things are good! Although, every so often I get the idea I'm trying to lose weight for the wrong reason ( not health related, more for visual effect). But I like that I'm doing well for myself, I mean c'mon, how can I complain that I'm losing weight? So I'm at work today, and the day receptionist says to me "Tiana you look thinner, that diet is working!" Thanks barb! Then my dad comes do make sure I got to work alright, and he goes, what are you doing, losing weight in your face? Thanks dad! I never see it on me when I lose weight, I only go by the numbers I see on the scale. Blah and those dont move very much. But I'm down to 318 so I must be doing something right. Hoping the scale gives me good news again on friday! My boyfriend broke up with me, for reason I cant verify...whatever, but I'm using that as more motivation to lose weight and look good, he can see what he's missing out on . Anyway, I'm on a roll. I met these things called sweat, and resistance, we're pretty good friends. They know whats good for me! Less than 70 days til the next surgery attempt, I have a feeling they'll deny AGAIN but I'll keep trucking on, I'm doing alright thus far.