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So I weighed in yesterday and lost 0.9 lbs. This led to the immediate recognition of the fact that at the moment, I have a split personality. I call them Logical Me and Emotional Me. Logical Me tells me that any weight loss is good weight loss. I'm currently in "Bandster Hell," that period of time between my surgery and my first fill when my appetite has returned, but the band is not yet offering me any restriction. Logical Me points out that a lot of people stop losing weight now entirely and many even gain some weight. She also wants me to remember that the slower the weight loss, the better my skin will be able to adjust and the less loose skin I may have when I reach my goal. And finally, Logical Me would like to point out that I've spent at least ten years getting to this weight from my last lowest point, so it's dumb of me to expect that I'll lose it in a couple of months. Emotional me is too busy wailing and gnashing her teeth to tell me anything. Somewhere buried in her incoherent sobs, I am able to make out a few thoughts, though, like how can I not lose more weight when I've been eating no more than 1000 calories per day? Or, OMG am I going to fail this attempt at weight loss just like I have all the other ones after I've spent all this money on having surgery? Maybe the band won't help me. Maybe I'm just destined to be fat my whole life, and I'll just keep gaining weight even if I stop eating all together for the rest of my life. Maybe this was all a wasted effort and I should just go crawl under a rock and forget about ever being healthy and happy with myself. I'd like to slap Emotional Me across the face and tell her to shut her w&!@# mouth. I know those thoughts are ridiculous, but that doesn't mean I can completely erase them from the back of my mind. All I can do is turn up the volume on Logical Me, keep reading the forums, and keep poking along at whatever pace my body deems appropriate. After all, when it comes down to it, I didn't get this surgery just to drop weight; I got it to help me make a huge and permanent lifestyle change that will result in gradual and permanent weight loss. Maybe if I got that tattooed on the back of my hand, it would be easier to remember...

So I've decided, every pound I lose, I put a marble in a jar. Every marble will be worth 10 bucks. When I hit goal, that'll be 2 grand. That's my trip to Alaska

I Can see my toes and actually the whole top of my foot! So exciting. I have also discovered that I have a collar bone! I can wrap my fingers around my wrist and touch the floor! My joints still hurt and I am hoping it gets better with losing more. I am so happy!

I had chinese food for dinner - I don't eat rice so I always just get extra broccoli with my chicken. It was VERY yummy. I'm freezing my leftovers so I can eat it whenever I want I got crab ragoons too - tossed the wonton and ate the stuffing out of it hah.

So, I was suppose to get my first fill last week. I was on the way to the doctor's office when they called to say he was stuck in surgery and posponed until this week. I was bummed. I was getting hungry, had no restriction and didn't feel full after my small meals. I was still doing well I am down 41 pounds as of this morning. I haven't lost any for a few weeks. This morning after having a egg for breakfast I went off to my surgeon's office. Their computers were on the fritz. Nothing was working. I was worried they were going to cancel again. The office was full and it was slow process to get into exam room. It is amazing how much we rely on computers to get through the day. My surgeon was in good spirits despite the craziness in the office. He numbed me upo a bit and put in 3 1/2 cc into my port. No pain at all. I had to drink some water then wait a few minutes. All was good and I got to go. On liquids for 2 days and then he told me to come back next week if fill wasn't restricting enough. So far so good. Suzie

I got up this morning and got dressed for my job interview today. WHAT A MESS! None, and I mean NONE of my clothes fit me - some were too small (granted I was expecting that) but the ones I JUST BOUGHT were too big. And not tuck here or pin there too big - TOO FREAKING BIG. I had to run to Kohls and buy new clothes because I had NOTHING to wear! I put on a pair of pants that, I was going to wear to Mexico for surgery less than 3 weeks ago and they were just too tight - not comfortable at all. Today, they're too big. I mean TOO BIG! Like awkwardly too big! I'm so excited about this! I wonder if i still have the receipt....

I went to my Wellness and NUT class yesterday and I have to say that I was shocked. Once again I go to these mandatory classes and I sit there and think, "Does anybody actually know how to google?" Hell, the moment that the idea of VSG tickled my brain I immediately powered up my trusty laptop for some quality web time. Thats how I found all you lovely men and women on this site! Yet here I was, months later sitting in my W&NUT class and listening to this one gentleman say, "You mean I have to give up my McDonald's Deluxe Breakfasts?". And he wasn't being sarcastic, he was actually dismayed. *sigh* On another note, I also passed my Psych(o) exam yesterday! $345 for 50 minutes that involved a conversation and a test to determine my mental wellbeing. Obviously I went into the wrong line of business as this sure beats my hourly wage! I'm having friends over for dinner on Saturday and my bff told me that her husband isn't really getting why I'm having this surgery. Basically he's worried about me having surgery, as all surgery is dangerous. Also, he thinks that you can lose weight just by trying harder and using will power. Luckily my bff said that she thinks thats bs. I dont think that if you've been thin your entire life that you can understand how hard it is to lose weight and keep it off. So dinner should be interesting. Basically my mantra is, "You can be supportive without actually agreeing" and "Bring on the questions as long as the conversations are respectful". I'm not worried about it as its my choice, my family is behind me, and the effects speak for themselves. Also I know his questions come out of concern for me, and that it's not coming from a mean or judgemental place. Sometimes I forget that those who have never had surgery or health problems view surgery so suspiciously. I'm only 29 but I've had my appendix and tonsils removed, pins put into my foot, two surgeries on my legs to fix a brown recluse bite gone bad, wisdom teeth removed, and breast reduction surgery. Surgery itself does not scare me...and I think you get to a point in your life that you are willing to risk everything in order to gain a healthier and better life. One more class to go on March 7 and then everything can be submitted to the insurance. Woohoo! "If you are going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance." ~ Unknown