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First, I should note I'm new to blogging, and new to this forum, so I will learn as I go. My hope is that I can verbalize my journey to the me I see through this forum and that it will be a way of support, healing, recovery, motivation, collaboration and reflection. About me: Married, 2 kids, highest weight 334, surgery date weight 319. VSG performed at the Cleveland Clinic, Weston, Dr. Rosenthal & Dr. Sloan on 2/8/12. For such a personal journey and private health issue - finding this forum has been a God send. I told no one at work, I told none of my family. I only shared the details with the people in my life that would be unconditionally supportive of this life changing decision. My husband and children, and my best friends Gina & Kathy. One person at work sort of knew - but I hope is going to respect my privacy. I even specified on my FMLA paperwork that only my HR Manager would be able to know. So, I pause. Why so much shame and protective privacy around making a life changing decision to improve my health? Because people are judgemental - they don't know what it is like to be in the skin that I'm in and they form opinions and have the nerve to voice them. They can be hurtful, demeaning, shallow. I came across this forum and observed acceptance, understanding, compassion. I lurked. Then I lept. I have not been obese my whole life. Was taunted and teased as a child for being too tall and skinny - lean green string bean. Go figure? My mother, a vain critical woman, forced me into weight watchers as a junior in high school at 137 - thought I was too fat at a size 11. All my friends were 5, 7, 9, clearly I had an issue. So the seed was planted, and so I fed it. I was a healthy athletic young woman till about 21, and the freshman fifteen joined the party, and slowly my weight progressed. As the weight crept in, so did the bigotry, judgment and discrimination. My first experience was at 186, entering a bridal salon and being sized up visually by the counter person and her saying, "We can't help you miss...our dresses just don't go that big.". I was a size 18. My mother in law ended up making my dress. So rather than bore you with the details of my past - I will give you the abridged version. I got married. I had a baby. My husband came out of the closet. No, I did not know. I went into the pantry. I got on the band wagon of "embracing my curves" which, to some degree was a cop out for me, but easier than dealing with the emotional monkey on my back that fed my fat cells. I got divorced. There was a 7 year drought. I met Mark. We married. We had a baby. We are living the happily ever after. I decided in 2011 to put my health first. I explored fixing my pelvic floor disorder - I had been living with since my first born, but when I went to the Dr. in the 90's for it - he made fun of my - "I'm surprised you are not wet all the time, you have so much fat on your stomach." - I was under 200 at the time. But it drove me back to my safe place - the pantry. People can be so rude. Anyway, so in December, I was on hold at the Cleveland Clinic and heard about the Pelvic Floor Disorder Center of Excellence. Long story short, that inquiry led to a consult that said, if we do WLS first, your pelvic floor surgery will be more successful - or perhaps not even be necessary. To my primary care I went, I requested a letter of medical necessity, got it. To my surprise, my insurance paperwork was turned in on a Friday, I was approved on the following Monday, and I was scheduled for surgery on 2/8. Holy frijoles - this was now a reality! The jump is so far from where I am today, to what I want to become, I close my eyes and leap. Surgery was done on 2/8 - I am now 6 days out and each day gets a little better. Less gas, less pain/discomfort, fewer tears, more hope.

Wow it has already been 9 weeks and I still marvel at the changes my body is taking on. I weighted in this morning at 280.6 that is so awesome that puts me down 56.4 lbs. WOW. I have lost 23 inches over all and am feeling so wonderful (other than a stupid cold right now). The doctor told me not to except large weight loss numbers now that I am further out but they keep coming off and I am so thankful for that. I am still off all medication until the 16th when I see the heart doctor. I don't feel like I need them anymore but that will be up to him as to weather I get to stay off them. I feel great even while at the gym. So I am keeping my fingers crossed and praying for good news Thursday. I have only one regret in all of this is that my mom can't be here to see it. I wish I would have had the sleeve done years ago it would have saved me so much grief over the past years. Step by Step Day by Day with Jesus is all I can hope for. I thank Him for so much and for making it possible for me to have this surgery. Oh yeah this is such ego boosting for me, I bought a dress last year for Valentines Day through a catalog. When it got here they had sent me a size 22, no way was I going to fit in that thing being at a size 28. I didn't even send it back I was so upset. I just hung it in the deepest corner of my closet and forgot about it. Today looking for something to wear that didn't fall off, lol, I noticed it hiding there, so I took it out and laid it on the bed. Yeah right, I though, that thing is still way to small for me. I kept staring at it. Oh what the heck I tried it on laughing the whole time but slap me silly it fits and fits good. Will wonders never end, I hope not. Have a Happy Valentines Day and Good losing all.

So How does dating work after WLS? I mean I was told today that I was a bautiful personality,and a voluptuous body.absoutely gorgeous eyes, !!! now when do i tell him I will no longer have a vovoluptuous body?? lol.. of corse I find someone who loves BBW after I have WLS??? just my luck!

I feel selfish being fat. Let me explain. This consumes me. It has consumed my life for a long time. I think about it all the time. Maybe even more so now because I am on this incredible journey with finally an awesome opportunity to lose weight. And that is something I have obsessed for .....for a very long time. Now, I feel like I have to focus even more to ensure I don't fail. I feel so self-consumed. So selfish. I am a stress eater. Well, I used to be. I would eat, no binge like crazy when stressed. I was stressed often. Unfortunately, weight loss surgery did not cut out 85% of my stress. I am watching my mother in law die from stomach and colon cancer. She was forced to be readmitted to the hospital tonight because she refuses to eat. Here I am with an eating issue, and here she is on the opposite end of it, but needing food if she wants to survive. So, first I feel selfish to go through this, while she and my husband and his family are dealing with something so much harder. So it stresses me out. And I want to eat. Tonight I did what any weight loss person could do. I binged....on some chocolate milk. In reality, I only had about 7 or 8 oz, but it was 2% and was, like I said, chocolate. Luckily I did good all day with my carb and calorie intake so I did not go over 800 calories for the day, but the point was I did not have the control over it in this time of intense stress. I feel so sad to see my family go through this, and so selfish to still be focusing on something so...I don't want to say not serious, but in comparison...it seems like it. I feel selfish that I needed this surgery. That I needed the help. That I needed this me time. Right in the middle of all this. I just don't want to put my kids through anything that I can help later in life. It just hurts too bad too see the family like this....I guess I am just justifying my feelings of selfishness by thinking it will prevent any pain in the future. Who knows....

Ok everyone status update: 5'7" HW:265 GWS:250 DoS:238.1 CW:199.6 GW:150 WOW!!!! where do I start... Since December 12, 2011 this has been one amazing journey! I am down approx 39 lbs in 9 weeks, I don't think i could have accomplished that in 6 months prior to the surgery. This is my tool for a better life and a better me, living pain free. I never thought i would make it here but yesterday I finally made it to ONEderland!!!!! And even tho its that TOM, and i throughly expect that number to go back to the 200's i know that it will drop below again once aunt flow goes away! But for right now I will take this little victory!!! AND SHOUT IT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!!!!!!! lol... on another note... Today is also the start of my TOUGH MUDDER training.. i will be kicking my own ass all up and down the block.. and i am hoping that this will help keep the lbs away during aunties visit.. lol But more importantly im doing this to prove to all my haters, doubters, and **** talkers, THAT I DON'T GIVE A RATS BEHIND if they think i CAN'T do it.. I AM NO LONGER LOSING WEIGHT FOR ANYONE ELSE BUT ME!!!!!! he he he... go me! so im trying to decide if i want to start a whole new blog for my training or not.. i guess let me know if you guys are interested in the journey..and if you don't know what TOUGH MUDDER IS.... youtube it for 2012... ITS INTENSE AND NOT FOR THE FAINT OR WEAK! and no you wont see any blood or gore..lol

I looked in the mirror this morning and I could actually see that I've lost some weight in my face. That made me very happy

I am a recovering faker. VSG Ready- I, too, have put on airs in order to keep those at bay who may threaten me in some way. That threat me be emotional, like potential rejection, or mental, like if they find out I am this insecure surely they will stone and flog me. But, I learned something while buying mascara. Want to hear it? Here it goes; Usually I put on my make up, maybe some hair, and then sit in front of the closet for an hour thinking about what to wear and what it will say about me. I don't want to look unprofessional, but I don't want to look out of date, but I don't want to look matronly, but not like a trend follower... and on and on. So one day as I am sitting there going thru my usual, this commercial came on for Falsies Flared Mascara. Now, I don't consider myself a superficial person by any means...but, I do place value on MY OWN outward appearance based on how I feel about ME that day. In particular, I value having a pretty face and nice hair because it distracts ME from the obvious (I won't dignify IT with a name...you know where we are, you know what it is). So, on this day, this commercial came on and I thought "Dang, that stuff gives you 'wings'? I need lash wings!" *sidebar* All of us have SOMETHING we use to distract from SOMETHING ELSE that we don't find desirable about ourselves. Many of us here are natural caregivers, sweet and cheerful people with strong personalities. But, in efforts not to be the "jolly fat girl" or the "Big mean black girl" or the "Mammy, advice giving and enabling black woman" we mask our natural qualities (even if they align with those characters). Sadly, too often we feel so different then we look that we misunderstand or over exaggerate how others see us. Its time for us to see ourselves as we are- Created fearfully and wonderfully by God. So, I go to Walgreen's to buy the stuff that gives you wings and its like 8 or 9 dollars. Being the frugal lady that I am , I had to ponder; "Is this worth 9$?" Then I thought back on all the fast food meals I bought, all the money I spent on clothes that were "slimming" (yea, put on the fat suit then buy clothes that cover it up), and I thought about how messed up I was making my mind. Eat for comfort, lie about who you are and how you feel about it, then hide try to hide it, then be sad and angry about how OTHERS treat you? Psyco big gurl say wha?? To make a long story short, I did get my mascara...but I started putting it on to ENHANCE who I am, not hide me. I do still wear make up and sometimes hair...but because it makes me feel good to put that kind of time in on myself. I am sleeved and losing so I am having an even harder time finding clothes. But, I don't worry out what people think. If I FEEL good, then I'm good, dangit! And you know what else? Sometimes, I AM an angry black women, and sometimes I am in a jolly a$$ mood. So what? I now wake up everyday knowing that I am not perfect and I will say something real stupid today. And I will probably lose my keys, or trip over the corner of a rug...and I'm just fine with that. God didn't make no junk and HE made ME. He loves me unconditionally and knows the number of hairs on my head (and in my weaves)! I honor God by accepting me and accepting that I change daily and it's not always perfection. I hope that all of you feel me when I say- You are HIS and HE ain't make NO JUNK!

Alright, time to come clean! The two days at the hospital were really great, I was released early and I felt so good. I have not been on any pain medication since the day after surgery. The last few days have been very hard for me for some reason. It really blindsided me and I really don't know why because I really want this and did everything within my power to make sure I got it. So, I sat down and did some deep thinking about it and I figured out I think it's a major control issue with me. It's no longer me in control, it's my stomach, my body. When I would diet before surgery I still had control over what I decided to put in, even if that meant cheating on my diet. Obviously I didn't have as much control as I convinced my mind that I did, otherwise, my diets would have worked, but now the control is 100% beyond me. Sure I could try and eat something, but I know the physical aspects would hurt very bad, not just be a cheat on the diet. It really got to me the last few days. I have been hungry, and have not been able to get in hardly any protein. Maybe 20 grams a day, very little calories, and the results have been very hard for me to adjust to. I have been so tired, gotten blurry vision occasionally, and felt so run down and I saw my house falling apart a little so it was getting to me mentally. The water intake has been at about 30oz a day, if I'm lucky! Another major reason I was frustrated. All this piled up on me and I felt so betrayed!! By my own body, and my own mind. I felt like I worked so hard to get this for me and now all I wanted was a freaking egg or 1/2 cup of real soup to eat. But now it's reckoning time! Time for the complaining to stop, the whining, the longing, the wanting, it all needs to end! I have done this, I wanted this, I am healing great and losing pounds every day and there is no going back! My sister has been staying with us because my husband works a lot of hours and I have needed help with my littles ones, and I saw her this morning and realized all over again one of the reasons why I did this. I know all the medical reasons and health reasons, but for now I am going to remind myself of the physical appearance reasons as well. I have so many clothes I have bought over the years that at one time I fit in, or thought I would fit in shortly if I could just diet a little more.Well, obviously that did not go as planned so I have loaned so many out to my sisters over the years who have fit in them just fine. So I looked at my sister this morning wearing one of my favorite shirts that I am still about 55 pounds away from fitting into and It just clicked! Why the hell am I still whining about my intake? About being hungry? About how hard this is or how tired I am?? This is just one more piece of the diet I should be on anyway right now, and I am thankful for it! I am going to follow the plan my surgeon gave me, and lose the weight, and deal with the head and food issues, and get back MY life! MY clothes, MY health, and MY ability to take care of MY kids and MY house! I am anxious to get back to exercise, I have been walking, but I really wish I had a treadmill. I have an elliptical, but I am being careful as I know I need to heal all the way before I start anything harder. I know I will get to a place of loving this sleeve rather then just accepting it. Once I see some more physical results and transition into a little bit healthier phase of fuel for my body I except that love and bond to the sleeve to start, Anyway, I rambled on long enough, but I needed to get this out. I know I have read about others struggling a bit with their sleeve and other issues, so I know it will get better for us all!

VSG scheduled 03/09/12 with Dr Almanza in TJ Flights and hotels are booked Read books, blogs, multiple diet recommendations for pre-op and post-op eating Starting the kitchen cleanse in stealth mode so daughter doesn't notice an abrupt change in pantry items Healthier meals started for family Making a list of vitamins, supplements and OTC meds to have on hand for post-op needs Food funerals over except Valentine's dinner when I will have wine and large meal/dessert for last ime before pre-op diet begins Smart phone app installed for ease in tracking nutrients, activity, and weight - need to start using during pre-op diet so I can get used to using it Need to deep clean house now so I will not feel urge to do so post-op and hurt myself Much more to do but thrilled to be in action mode instead of state of indecision!

My Pre-op went great!!! I met my surgeon, Dr. Reilly and he is wonderful! He made me feel at ease and answered all of my questions! His scale actually had me weighing 6 pounds less than my home scale. I bought a new one after that and surprise that one had me six pounds less also! But I registered with the hospital and they were awesome also! I am fourth in line and have to be at the hospital at 8:30am and she said if all went well I could go home by 3pm. I also met the bariatric coordinator and she was awesome also. She gave me so much information. I have two packets of pre-surgery info to read tonight. Wow it is getting so close and feels real now. I am ready to get the surgery part over so I can start my new way of life.